Buy the book here. Podcast transcript: Hello and Welcome to News From The Future, spoken by the eleven labs audio clone of Dr Catherine Ball. In this new short series we will be focussing on Sleep. We all do it, and we all recognise when we have not had enough of it. Dr Cath’s new book The Future of Sleep is out now and available globally in paperback, audiobook, and ebook. We think you’ll get something life changing from it. Today we are talking about something a bit controversial - Sleep Divorce to save your relationship! Enjoy! Sleeping separately, often referred to as a “sleep divorce,” is a growing trend among couples, with recent data showing that 18% of couples now opt for this arrangement. While the term might sound negative, many couples find that separate sleeping spaces improve their sleep quality and even strengthen their relationships. Let’s delve into the reasons behind this trend, its benefits, the stigma surrounding it, and how couples can navigate this decision successfully. Take Hannah, a 36-year-old from Hobart, for example. During her pregnancy, her snoring became so disruptive that her partner moved to the spare bedroom. Even after she gave birth and underwent sinus surgery, which largely resolved her snoring, the couple decided to continue sleeping apart. They found the arrangement so beneficial that it became a permanent part of their lives. Hannah even recommends it to other couples, though she admits she’s faced judgment from others who assume separate sleeping arrangements indicate a troubled relationship. This stigma is something Naomi Doyle, a family dispute resolution practitioner, frequently encounters in her work. Doyle explains that society often equates sleeping apart with relationship problems, but this view is overly simplistic. She notes that, in most cases, the decision to sleep separately stems from practical concerns rather than emotional disconnect. For example, many couples experience poorer sleep quality when sharing a bed due to factors like snoring, restlessness, or differing schedules. These issues can make sleeping together more of a challenge than a comfort. So, why do couples choose to sleep separately? The most common reason is to improve sleep quality. Conditions like sleep apnea, snoring, or being a light sleeper can make sharing a bed difficult. Additionally, some people have different sleep schedules—such as shift workers—making it hard to align their routines. Parents may also opt for separate sleeping arrangements temporarily, especially when one partner is responsible for nighttime baby care. In some cases, couples simply prefer different bedtime rituals or ways of unwinding, and separate spaces allow them to embrace these differences. Health issues and changing attitudes also play a role. Doyle points out that women going through perimenopause, for instance, often experience fluctuating body temperatures and may find it harder to tolerate disruptions during sleep. As people age, they also become less concerned with societal norms around co-sleeping. Doyle says there’s a growing recognition that practicality often trumps the idealized notion that “good couples” must always share a bed. However, there are instances where sleeping separately might signal relationship tension. For example, couples who are arguing or experiencing a loss of intimacy might avoid sharing a bed. Doyle emphasizes the importance of open communication in these cases, as avoidance or lack of discussion can exacerbate feelings of disconnect. If one partner feels hurt or lonely due to separate sleeping arrangements, it’s crucial to address these emotions and find a solution that works for both parties. On the flip side, good sleep is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Couples therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie highlights how poor sleep can lead to irritability, resentment, and even long-term health issues, all of which can strain a relationship. When couples are well-rested, they’re more patient, present, and emotionally available for each other. Doyle adds that many couples report improved relationships after changing their sleeping arrangements, as better sleep reduces conflict and fosters a more positive dynamic. That said, not everyone has the luxury of separate sleeping spaces. Smaller homes or apartments may not allow for this option. In such cases, couples can still make adjustments to prioritize sleep quality, such as investing in a larger bed, using white noise machines, or exploring other sleep aids. Despite the practical benefits, a “pervasive stigma” still surrounds the idea of sleeping apart. Hannah, for instance, has faced judgment from friends who equate separate bedrooms with a lack of intimacy. One friend even questioned how she managed to conceive while sleeping in a different room from her partner. Doyle challenges this assumption, pointing out that cultural norms around co-sleeping vary widely. In some cultures, it’s common for entire families to share a bed, while in others, separate bedrooms were historically a sign of luxury and status. From the 17th to 19th centuries, for example, European upper-class couples often had separate bedrooms, and this was seen as a mark of affluence rather than relational discord. So, are couples happier sleeping separately? The answer depends on communication and mutual understanding. Doyle and McKimmie stress that sleep and intimacy serve different functions. Couples can maintain emotional and sexual connection even if they sleep in separate beds, as long as they make an effort to prioritize intimacy in other ways. For instance, some couples spend time together in the same bed before going to sleep or in the morning, while others set aside specific times for physical intimacy. Rituals of connection, whether cuddling, talking, or engaging in shared activities, are crucial for maintaining closeness. However, not all couples are on the same page when it comes to sleeping arrangements. If one partner feels hurt or lonely, it’s important to address these feelings openly. Doyle suggests that couples who struggle with this issue might benefit from seeking guidance from a third party, such as a couples counselor or sex therapist. These professionals can help navigate disagreements and ensure that sleeping arrangements don’t become a source of ongoing conflict. For couples who choose to sleep separately, there are creative ways to maintain intimacy. McKimmie suggests “sleepovers,” where couples spend a night together in the same bed, or rituals like cuddling before sleep and then retreating to separate spaces. These small gestures can help preserve the emotional and physical connection that’s vital to a healthy relationship. In summary, the decision to sleep separately is deeply personal and varies from couple to couple. For some, it’s a practical solution to improve sleep quality and overall relationship satisfaction. For others, it may require careful communication and compromise to ensure that intimacy and connection are preserved. Whatever the arrangement, the key takeaway is that good sleep is essential for a healthy relationship, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to achieving it. By prioritizing open communication and understanding, couples can find the sleeping arrangement that works best for them, free from societal judgment or stigma. Please share this podcast with anyone you know who sleeps. Thank you for supporting my work. Please follow me on LinkedIn or subscribe to my substack for more News From The Future. And please buy my book: The Future of Sleep. Thank you. Thanks for reading "News From The Future" with Dr Catherine Ball! This post is public so feel free to share it with anyone you know who sleeps. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit drcatherineball.substack.com/subscribe
