Lights On with Carl Lentz

B-Side
  • 4.8 (783)
  • Society & Culture
  • Updated Weekly

Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

  1. 1d ago

    Forgiveness, Triggers, Relapse, and Alcohol: Your Questions Answered

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com We're home in Virginia Beach and back in the mailbag. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on four of the most common questions couples in recovery keep sending in. Not the surface-level questions. The ones people ask when they trust the answer is going to be honest. The first: is forgiveness the same as reconciliation? The couples who get stuck here almost always confuse the two, and it costs them years. The second: how do you tell the difference between a real danger sign and old trauma firing again? Laura walks through the exact tool she uses to defuse a trigger in real time before it hijacks the whole conversation. The third: what do you do when the fear of relapse becomes its own weight in the marriage, and are ultimatums ever a good idea? Carl gets honest about his own slip-up five months into recovery, why they've thrown out the word "relapse" entirely, and the honesty system that carried them through: a 24-hour rule that eventually became a daily check-in. The fourth: does alcohol help or hurt long-term recovery, and how do you know when it's crossed the line from social to self-medicating? You'll hear Laura get direct about why "resourceful, not right or wrong" is the frame every couple should adopt when they're rebuilding routines. Carl walks through the difference between relief and healing, why environment matters more than morality in a season of repair, and why the couples who make it long-term stop performing for outside judgment and start building for evidence instead. Stay for the tool that will help someone this week (VATS: Verify, Ask, Truth, Support), the reframe worth writing down (reconciliation requires evidence, not just words), and the closer that anchors the whole episode: feelings of safety don't build a marriage. Evidence of safety does. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  2. Aug 24

    The Three Listener Questions Every Betrayed Spouse Needs to Hear

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Carl and Laura are back with a new season, a new studio, a new book, and one of the most tender openings this show has ever had. Before Carl and Laura get into the listener questions, Carl opens up about the sudden loss of his sister Rachel, what he's learned about carrying grief and honor at the same time, and the reminder her life left him with: don't wait to say the things you actually feel. From there, they dive into three listener questions that go straight to the heart of what real repair looks like after betrayal. The first: what is the actual difference between shame and remorse, and how do you know which one is driving your spouse? The second: what does it look like to make real amends 21 years, three affairs, and a mountain of damage later, and are there times when the healthiest amends is the one you don't send? The third: how do you hold onto hope in a marriage that feels stuck, when the person who broke it seems to be sitting on the fence about whether to stay? You'll hear Carl get direct with the men who are still leading their apologies with self-pity, self-flagellation, or the quiet expectation that their spouse should carry their pain for them. Laura speaks to the women trying to raise teenagers through the fallout of a father who has stepped out of the picture, and she walks through what real, unvarnished conversations with kids can actually look like. Together they unpack the difference between words and evidence, why "amends" and "contact" are not the same thing, and why hope has to be built on what's actually happening, not what someone keeps promising. Stay for the reframes that anchor the whole episode: shame keeps the focus on you, remorse keeps the focus on the person you hurt. You don't need contact to make things right. Kids can smell inauthentic more than any of us. And the closer that will land for anyone quietly holding on: reality is not the enemy of hope. It's the soil where the only real hope actually grows. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  3. Aug 17

    The marriage questions people are afraid to ask out loud

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Since Lights On started, we've been asked a lot of questions. Some out loud. Some in private messages. Some in the middle of a conversation with couples we love. In this special episode, Carl and Laura pulled the eleven hardest, most common, most necessary marriage questions into one place. This episode is for the couple sitting at the dinner table not saying what they really want to say. The wife wondering if what she's feeling is normal. The husband asking whether he still has the right to want more. The parents trying to figure out what to say to their kids. The couple healing from betrayal. The couple who was never touched by betrayal but is still fighting the same fight every year. The reader who's just curious how anyone builds a marriage that actually lasts. Carl and Laura get honest about the questions they've been asked over and over again. Should I stay or should I leave? Can trust actually be rebuilt after it's broken? What do you say to the children? What if you know your spouse is still lying? What's the difference between a marriage worth fighting for and a marriage worth grieving? How do you know if you're healing or just surviving? There are no easy answers here. But there are honest ones. And for anyone in the middle of any of these fights, honest is what actually starts to help. Stay for the reframes that have become the backbone of this show: unhealthy people can stay and unhealthy people can leave. The affair was the diagnosis, not the medicine. You cannot save your face and your soul at the same time. You didn't fall out of love, you fell out of focus. And the one that anchors it all: you are not behind. You are right on time. If you're new to Lights On, this episode is the door. If you've been walking with us for a while, this is a reminder of how far you've already come. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  4. Aug 10

    How to actually change the climate of your home

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com The Summer Shots series continues, and this week's shot is the simplest and hardest one yet. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get into the third shot in the series: a 20-minute walk together, every day, for one week. And underneath it, the bigger conversation almost no couple is having on purpose. Who is actually setting the climate in your marriage? Carl and Laura walk through the greenhouse metaphor: how plants and people alike thrive or wilt based on the environment they're placed in, and why most couples blame each other for things the climate was quietly producing all along. Together they name the five things that shape the atmosphere of every marriage: your words, your emotional presence, your habits, your attention, and your expectations. Change any one of them, and the whole house feels different. You'll hear Carl get honest about how a spouse's climate can quietly cover for who they really are, and why "amending" the plan when life hits still counts as keeping the commitment. Laura walks through why side-by-side beats face-to-face for the hardest conversations in marriage, and why the couples who thrive are the ones building rhythms nobody's watching. Stay for the science behind why walking regulates your nervous system, the "too busy" excuse this challenge quietly exposes, and the bonus shot every married couple should try at least once: praying over each other out loud. If you've been waiting for a perfect moment to change the tone of your home, this is the reminder that it doesn't work like that. Small, consistent decisions do. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  5. Aug 3

    How to encourage your spouse in a way they actually feel

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Last week Carl and Laura kicked off the Summer Shots series with the challenge to cut criticism for a full week. This week, they build on it with the second shot: intentional, specific, planned encouragement. Because taking something out only works if you put something better back in. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why encouragement almost always gets lost the longer you're married, why "useful" isn't the same as "valued," and why so many people confuse being needed with being loved. They walk through a simple two-step plan any couple can try this week: a morning shot of intentional encouragement, and a 5pm identity text that reminds your spouse who they are, not just what they did. You'll hear Laura get honest about the difference between appreciation and admiration, and why every spouse wants to be admired long after the newness fades. Carl speaks to the men still leading with "if she really loved me, she wouldn't need reminders," and why planning connection is not weakness. It's what people who value their marriage actually do. Nobody schedules criticism. But planned encouragement changes atmospheres. Stay for the phone reminder story that will make you laugh out loud, the reframe that will land for someone this week ("you become what you're noticed for"), the difference between digging for gold and digging for dirt, and the seven-day experiment worth actually trying. Home should feel different from the rest of the world. This week we get into how to make it that way on purpose. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  6. Jul 27

    Why criticism is quietly killing your marriage (and what to try instead)

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Most people have never been taught how to apologize. And the ones who have often learned to do it in a way that quietly protects themselves instead of repairing anything. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about what a real apology actually looks like, why it's the single most important skill in a healthy relationship, and how a broken one has kept some of the best marriages stuck in the same fight for decades. Carl and Laura walk through the tension almost every apology creates: needing to defend, needing to explain, needing to remind them of the ways they hurt you too. Any of it is enough to sink the whole thing. Laura opens up about the moments she stayed silent when she shouldn't have, and how that shaped a version of herself she doesn't want to be anymore. Carl gets direct with anyone still leading their apologies with the phrase that undoes every one of them: "I'm sorry, but..." You'll hear the reframe that changes everything: the goal of an apology isn't a resolution, it's a genuine acknowledgment of hurt. You'll hear why over-apologizing is just as toxic as never apologizing, why some of us confuse tension for danger, and why the person who apologizes best in a marriage is usually the person who's healthiest. Stay for the anatomy of a real apology, the two-hour repair story that will make you cry-laugh, and the practical questions any couple can take home tonight to find out what's actually been getting in the way. If you've been fighting the same fight for years, this one was made for you. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  7. Jul 20

    The alarm clock every marriage eventually hears

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Most marriages don't fall apart in a single moment. They quietly erode under the weight of what nobody's willing to say out loud. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about the one thing that changed everything for them, and could change everything for any couple willing to try it: radical honesty. Carl and Laura walk through the alarm clock every marriage eventually hears. The one that sounds like distance, resentment, secrets, or that quiet voice saying something isn't right. Most couples hit snooze. And snooze. And snooze. Until the snooze button stops working. This episode is about waking up before you have to. You'll hear Carl get honest about the exhausting tax of living with a mask on, and the relief that came when he finally put it down. Laura speaks directly to the wives quietly gaslighting themselves inside marriages where the alarm has been going off for years. Together they walk through the radical honesty inventory: three questions any couple can take to dinner tonight to start finding out what they've been protecting themselves from, what they're most afraid to hear, and where they've been settling for keeping the peace instead of telling the truth. Stay for the image trap that quietly destroys marriages (especially in ministry and Christian circles), the "active lies" check every couple should run, and the line worth writing down: you cannot save your face and save your soul at the same time. You don't need a catastrophe to become radically honest. You just need one conversation. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:44 - Welcome to Lights On 1:50 - Dropping Your Daughter Off + A Word to Young Dads 3:25 - "Was Infidelity the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You?" 5:22 - Nothing Good About Infidelity 7:50 - Refusing to Be Defined by One Chapter 9:02 - What People Really Mean Is Honesty 10:37 - The Affair Was the Diagnosis, Not the Medicine 13:30 - You Don't Need Infidelity to Get Radically Honest 15:31 - Don't Wait for Catastrophe 17:56 - The Alarm Clock and the Snooze Button 22:20 - The Alarm Wasn't the Gift, Waking Up Was 24:33 - The Unexpected Relief of Dropping the Mask 27:16 - The Active Lies Check 28:40 - The Truth Hurts Before It Helps 31:09 - The Radical Honesty Inventory 33:42 - Answering the Questions 17 Years Later 36:09 - Question 2: What Question Would Scare You Most? 38:53 - Question 3: Peacekeeping vs. Truth-Telling 40:42 - The Image Trap 46:25 - Unsubscribing From the Image Trap 47:24 - You Can't Save Your Face and Your Soul at the Same Time 49:07 - Homework: One Radically Honest Conversation 50:24 - Don't Wait for Rock Bottom See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  8. Jul 13

    How to come back to each other after years of drift

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Last week Carl and Laura opened up the biggest question in marriage recovery: how do you stop being lonely in your marriage? This week, they pick up right where that left off with the follow-up question thousands of couples are quietly asking. How do we actually come back to each other? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle three real listener questions that get to the core of reconnection. How long does it take to come back after years of drift? What is a husband missing when his wife says she wants to reconnect but still feels miles away? And the big one: is it possible to fall back in love with the same person, or is that just wishful thinking? You'll hear why connection has to be consistent, not complicated, and why every couple has to stop copying someone else's rhythm and find their own. Laura gets specific about why understanding is the single biggest step in reconnecting, and how comparing your marriage to what you see online is quietly stealing joy from a marriage that's actually working. Carl walks through the reframe that changes everything for a husband still waiting to see results: separate your desire from your dependency. You can want reconnection deeply and still not build your growth on whether the other person meets you there. Stay for the frame that will land hard for someone this week: be impressed more easily. Small attempts turn into bigger ones when someone believes they can win. Plus the truth about repair attempts (the strongest predictor of long-term marital success), the "if you woke up tomorrow feeling connected, what would be different" question you can take home tonight, and the line that will stick: love is not a feeling. It's a choice. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:38 - Welcome to Lights On 3:42 - Bill Maher on Scheduling Sex 6:32 - How Do You Come Back to Each Other? 8:59 - God Behind Bars 9:36 - Find Your Own Connection Rhythm 13:33 - Principle vs. Preference 17:10 - BetterHelp 18:08 - Q1: How Long Does Reconnection Take? 23:20 - Q2: "My Wife Still Feels Miles Away" 26:09 - Wonder Project 27:11 - Q3: Can You Fall Back in Love? 30:13 - Separate Desire From Dependency 32:24 - Be Easily Impressed by Your Spouse 34:38 - Policy Genius 36:47 - Back Each Other's Small Wins 38:31 - Why Repair Attempts Matter Most 43:34 - The KD Jump Shot Analogy 45:00 - Book Announcement + Ad: Hope Is Alive 45:41 - Life Is Short, Marriage Is Long See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hosts & Guests

4.8
out of 5
783 Ratings

About

Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

Information

  • Creator
    B-Side
  • Years Active
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodes
    111
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2024 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    Lights On with Carl Lentz

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