If You Would’ve Told Me

Joe Fernandes
  • 5.0 (3)
  • Comedy
  • Updated Biweekly

Joe Fernandes & Emily Paige bring you their new podcast where they will tell stories, read stories, and make up stories. Please subscribe! You can email us any stories to ifyoutoldme@gmail.com

  1. Accidentally Controversial

    6d ago

    Accidentally Controversial

    Joe is back from Atlantis with stories about dolphins, lazy rivers, snorkeling adventures, and resort prices that should probably require a second mortgage. Emily plans a series of "Mommy-Ava" getaways while both hosts discuss burgers, summer weight gain, terrible stage photos, and the struggle of watching yourself online. Then they dive into the viral podcast clip that sparked millions of views, thousands of comments, and more internet outrage than either expected. Finally, the episode ends with one of the strangest news stories ever featured on the show: a man who pulled a police car with his penis while on fire... all in the name of awareness.

    46 min
  2. Too Lazy for Felonies

    May 18

    Too Lazy for Felonies

    Joe and Emily spiral through high school memories, TikTok trends, book obsessions, and whether a great ending can save a mediocre novel. They debate face tattoos in the workplace, mourn the death of Blockbuster nights, talk baldness and hair experiments, react to a man refusing to work because he “never asked to be born,” and somehow end up designing Joe’s dream Key West chicken tattoo while discussing RFK Jr. collecting raccoon anatomy on a family road trip. Just another normal episode.

    46 min
  3. Burned by Bubbles

    May 4

    Burned by Bubbles

    In this episode, Joe and Emily react to being called “ableist” over their audiobook take—and try to figure out how the internet heard something they definitely didn’t say. From there, things spiral (as usual) into a heated debate about Central Jersey, pork roll etiquette, and why you should never try your first one at Wawa. Joe shares a wild stand-up story involving a heckler named “Bubbles” that escalates from crowd work… to threats… to tears. It’s one of those comedy nights that comics never forget—and raises real questions about safety on stage. Plus, they break down the Gen Z dating trend “shrecking,” attraction vs personality, and why banter might be the most important trait in a relationship. It’s chaotic, honest, and somehow still makes sense.

    57 min
  4. Cocaine Sharks & Crazy Ex Revenge

    Apr 20

    Cocaine Sharks & Crazy Ex Revenge

    We dive into some of the most unhinged news stories we’ve ever covered. From a woman getting revenge on her ex by signing him up for 88 marathons, to the discovery of cocaine in sharks, to a Florida woman declaring herself the “Squirrel Queen”… yeah, this one goes off the rails fast. Along the way, we somehow get into the difference between men and women, why women might need more sleep, “girl words,” breakups, revenge, and why the best response might just be… doing nothing at all. It’s chaotic, it’s hilarious, and it might be our wildest episode yet.

    43 min
  5. That’s A Girl Word

    Apr 6

    That’s A Girl Word

    This week, we accidentally turned into a book club… and then immediately spiraled into chaos. Joe and Emily catch up after a short break, talk birthdays, and realize they both set the same goal to read 12 books this year—leading to a surprisingly deep (and hilarious) conversation about books, audiobooks, and getting tricked into reading something VERY unexpected. Then things take a turn. We break down three wild stories of “crazy women,” including: A woman who trapped her ex in an escape room designed for “emotional accountability”A girl who plastered her ex all over town as “emotionally unavailable”And a true crime story that will make you question everythingPlus: Why “closure” might be a mythWhat emotional unavailability actually meansAnd why people choose chaos instead of just… breaking upThis one goes from thoughtful to completely unhinged real fast.

    44 min
  6. What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Yours?

    Mar 2

    What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Yours?

    This episode starts with a ridiculous “scream with no air” challenge and somehow turns into a deep dive on anxiety, panic attacks, creativity, spirituality, and whether we actually create our thoughts — or just receive them. Joe and Emily talk about:• Being anxious about getting anxious• Déjà vu and intuition• Panic attacks on stage• Addiction, self-awareness, and emotional growth• Bombing vs crushing in comedy• The quietest room in the world• And whether feelings are facts It’s chaotic. It’s thoughtful.

    48 min
  7. The Bad Bunny Internet Spiral

    Feb 16

    The Bad Bunny Internet Spiral

    This week on If You Would’ve Told Me, we dive into the Super Bowl halftime show that had everyone talking — Bad Bunny! 🐰 From the viral memes, internet outrage, and political hot takes to flags, cultural pride, and representation for Puerto Rican and Latinx communities, we break down why this performance was so impactful. But we don’t stop there — we also share our Super Bowl stories: Patriots vs. Giants debates, our chaotic box office bets, and sports takes you didn’t know you needed. Plus, personal comedy gig highlights, funny audience experiences, and reflections on language, culture, and why people just can’t chill online. It’s a full episode of sports, culture, comedy, and internet chaos — don’t miss it! Listen in for: Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance and its cultural impact Internet outrage, memes, and virtue signaling Flags, unity, and representation in music Super Bowl betting chaos and sports stories Comedy gig tales and behind-the-scenes fun

    49 min
  8. From Milk Duds to Marrying AI

    Feb 2

    From Milk Duds to Marrying AI

    This episode starts with cantaloupe hate and somehow ends with a woman marrying AI — and honestly, it all makes sense by the end. Joe and Emily riff on edible arrangements, candy nostalgia, and disastrous movie-theater first dates (including a near-death Milk Duds incident). Things take a turn into pure chaos with stories from Joe’s days working at a mom-and-pop video store — complete with a porn room, unhinged customers, and the night two masked men ran in to steal a Spawnmovie poster while Joe froze mid-sandwich. Along the way, they talk dating in your 20s vs 30s, growing up too fast, skateboarding mishaps, getting “almost” mugged, and how time quietly sneaks up on you. Then the episode swerves hard into the future: a real story about a woman who married an AI chatbot, what that means for human relationships, and whether we’re already more married to our phones than we realize. Funny, nostalgic, slightly unsettling — this one has everything.

    49 min
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Trailer

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
3 Ratings

About

Joe Fernandes & Emily Paige bring you their new podcast where they will tell stories, read stories, and make up stories. Please subscribe! You can email us any stories to ifyoutoldme@gmail.com

Information

  • Creator
    Joe Fernandes
  • Years Active
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodes
    39
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Joe Fernandes
  • Show Website
    If You Would’ve Told Me