Have you picked up the idea that sex is a need, especially for men? This idea is false. Sex is not a need. It's a desire. Believing that sex is a need for men in marriage puts a lot of pressure on wives, and it may be one reason that many women don't enjoy sex in their marriage. Speaking as a Catholic moral theologian, Sarah Bartel refutes this claim and counters with the Catholic view on sexual desire in official Church teaching. First, Sarah examines one book in which sex is presented as a man's physical need for release, the popular 2004 Protestant book by Dr, Emerson Eggerichs. In it, the author states that even if a wife doesn't want to have sex, or if she has suffered childhood sexual abuse, she needs to set that aside and have sex with her husband "as unto Christ," looking over her husband's shoulder and spiritually seeing Christ there. Sarah comments on how coercive this is, then presents the Catholic view of chastity, self-mastery, and respectfully subordinating physical sexual desire to the service of emotional, spiritual, and relational values in marriage as found in magisterial Church documents. From Pope Pius XI's Casti Connubi (1930): par. 37: "Moreover, the dignity of both man and wife is maintained and mutual aid is most satisfactorily assured, while through the indissoluble bond, always enduring, the spouses are warned continuously that not for the sake of perishable things nor that they may serve their passions, but that they may procure one for the other high and lasting good have they entered into the nuptial partnership..." From Vatican II's document Gaudium et Spes (1965): par. 49: "This love is an eminently human one since it is directed from one person to another through an affection of the will; it involves the good of the whole person, and therefore can enrich the expressions of body and mind with a unique dignity, ennobling these expressions as special ingredients and signs of the friendship distinctive of marriage. This love God has judged worthy of special gifts, healing, perfecting and exalting gifts of grace and of charity. Such love, merging the human with the divine, leads the spouses to a free and mutual gift of themselves, a gift providing itself by gentle affection and by deed, such love pervades the whole of their lives:(11) indeed by its busy generosity it grows better and grows greater. Therefore it far excels mere erotic inclination, which, selfishly pursued, soon enough fades wretchedly away. This love is uniquely expressed and perfected through the appropriate enterprise of matrimony. The actions within marriage by which the couple are united intimately and chastely are noble and worthy ones. Expressed in a manner which is truly human, these actions promote that mutual self-giving by which spouses enrich each other with a joyful and a ready will." From St. Paul VI's Humanae Vitae (1968): par. 13: "a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order" From the The Pontifical Council for the Family's 1995 document, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: par. 3: "In fact, man is called to love as an incarnate spirit, that is soul and body in the unity of the person. Human love hence embraces the body, and the body also expresses spiritual love. Therefore, sexuality is not something purely biological, rather it concerns the intimate nucleus of the person. ... Lord's Redemption has made the positive practice of chastity into something that is really possible and a motive for joy, both for those who have the vocation to marriage (before, in the time of preparation, and afterwards, in the course of married life) as well as for those who have the gift of a special calling to the consecrated life." From The Catechism of the Catholic Church: no. 2361: "Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death." no. 2337: "Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman. The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift." no. 2339: "Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. the alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end." Women are not the only ones harmed by a believing that sex is a physical need for men; it trains men in an entitled and selfish view, short-stopping their capacity to grow in self-mastery and in attunement, care, reverence, and respect for the wife and her physical and emotional well-being. On that note, a final quote from Humanae Vitae underscores the attitude of care and solicitous concern for his wife's well-being that should temper a man's sexual desire: par. 17: " Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection." The Catholic Church teaches that sex is a desire that can be mastered in view of higher emotional and spiritual goods. Sex should express love in marriage, serving and fitting into the emotional and spiritual relationship of husband and wife, not bulldozing past important human and spiritual values of care, respect, emotional connection, consideration for the other spouse. The Church does not teach that sex is a need for men ... or women. It is meant to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage that is both unitive and procreative, and it is not to be pursued in marriage in a self-serving, physicalist way. It should be at the service of the emotional and spiritual connection of the couple's relationship, subordinated to relational goods. Inconsiderately setting aside a wife's past sexual trauma doesn't respect this. The Church teaches that sex is not to be imposed on a spouse inconsiderately when they don't want it, not coerced. The wife's condition and wishes matter. A husband should lovingly show reverence his wife's physical and emotional equilibrium. Husbands and wives are equal, and both are expected to be capable of integrating their sexual desires into their whole personhood and into the service of their marriage bond in a way that is truly human, that is, it involves the will, the soul, and the heart. 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