Recovering Out Loud

Anthony Degasperis
  • 4.6 (5)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

Sobriety you can actually use — from someone who lived it twice. I'm Anthony. I got sober in 2015, relapsed after 7.5 years, and rebuilt from zero. Now I'm an addiction counsellor-in-training sharing what actually works in recovery — not theory, real tools. Every episode covers the real struggles of staying sober: emotional sobriety, relapse prevention, identity, people-pleasing, shame, trauma, mental health, and the messy middle nobody talks about. If you're newly sober, years in, or supporting someone you love — this is your space. New episodes every week. Follow so you never miss one.

  1. 18h ago

    Are You Still an Alcoholic or Addict After Years Sober? The Label Question

    Do you have to call yourself an addict to stay sober? Here's what the label means to me. A listener sent me a DM that stuck with me: after years sober, calling herself an addict felt like it was keeping her stuck in a victim mindset. Did the label matter in my healing? Do I still need it? So this episode is about identity and the words we use — addict, alcoholic, in recovery, person with a substance use disorder, or nothing at all. I share the first time I said "I'm an addict" out loud (and why I mostly did it to fit in), why a relapse after years of sobriety ended my negotiation with the word, and why "alcoholic" can be true and still be the least interesting thing about you. In this episode: The difference between saying the label out loud and actually accepting it"I'm an alcoholic" vs. "I'm alcoholic" — a small word shift that helps some peopleChoosing where the label belongs: a recovery room vs. an HR office or a medical chartA name you claim vs. a name that gets thrown at youWhat a national US survey found about people who resolved alcohol and drug problems — and how many never identified as "in recovery"The social identity model of recovery: why the people you belong to matter more than the wordTwo things to try this week: the "and" sentence, and mapping your groupsThis is my lived experience, not professional advice. I'm not here to tell anyone what to call themselves. The label is a tool, not a verdict — own it where it helps you heal, and don't let anyone else pick it for you. Research mentioned: Kelly, Abry, Milligan, Bergman & Hoeppner (2018). On being "in recovery": A national study of prevalence and correlates of adopting or not adopting a recovery identity among individuals resolving drug and alcohol problems. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors.Best et al. (2016). Overcoming alcohol and other drug addiction as a process of social identity transition: The social identity model of recovery (SIMOR). Addiction Research & Theory, 24(2).Buckingham, Frings & Albery (2013). Group membership and social identity in addiction recovery. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 27(4).If this one landed, follow the show and leave a rating — it helps someone who's still struggling find it. Recovery is simple, not easy.

    Are You Still an Alcoholic or Addict After Years Sober? The Label Question

  2. 5d ago

    Forgiving Yourself After Addiction (Shame vs Guilt)

    Shame about your past doesn't keep you sober — research says it predicts relapse instead. If you've struggled with addiction or alcoholism, you've probably done things you're not proud of. Drove drunk. Stole from family. Said things to a partner you can't take back. In active addiction I pawned priceless family jewelry for cocaine and stole from my own sister. The question isn't whether it happened. It's what you do with it now. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about forgiving yourself — and why that's a completely different thing from letting yourself off the hook. In this episode: Guilt vs. shame: "I did a bad thing" vs. "I am bad" — and why only one gives you something to fixA University of British Columbia study of 105 newly sober people: the shame they showed in their body language predicted relapse and how heavy it was, while the shame they reported didn'tThe three ways people respond to their past — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness ("it wasn't that bad"), and genuine self-forgiveness — and why only one worksAmends, living amends, and how 12-step work (steps five and nine) clears the wreckage of the pastWhy self-forgiveness is a process, not a breakthrough dayTry this: Catch a shame sentence ("I'm a terrible father") and rewrite it as a guilt sentence ("I missed his games for two years")The four-line write-up: what I did / who it affected / the value I broke / what I'm doing now that honors that valueA living amends list for the amends you can't make directlyThe sponsor test: if a newcomer told you your exact story, what would you say to them? Say that to yourself.You don't have to forget what you did. Own it, repair what you can, and stop paying a debt you've already started paying back. This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to someone. Research mentioned: Randles & Tracy (2013), Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics — Clinical Psychological Science: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/journals/clinical/2167702612470645/Woodyatt & Wenzel — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness and genuine self-forgiveness (overview): https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/self-forgiveness-what-it-is-why-it-matters-and-how-it-can-be-addressedWenzel, Woodyatt & Hedrick (2012), No genuine self-forgiveness without accepting responsibility — European Journal of Social Psychology, DOI: 10.1002/ejsp.1873June Tangney — guilt vs. shame research, popularized by Brené BrownNeed support in Ontario? ConnexOntario — 1-866-531-2600, or text CONNEX to 247247 (free, 24/7). Thinking about suicide? Call or text 9-8-8 (Canada). Content note: discussion of drunk driving, violence, theft, overdose deaths and grief. Strong language. Follow Recovering Out Loud so you don't miss an episode, and if this one helped, leave a rating — it helps someone else find it. Real stories. 🧡

    Forgiving Yourself After Addiction (Shame vs Guilt)

  3. Oct 20

    The Skill That Unlocks Every Other Skill in Recovery : Open-Mindedness

    Denial is a closed mind pointed inward — and nothing in recovery changes until it cracks. I was absolutely certain I could handle it. Certain I wasn't "as bad as those people." Certain I could take ADHD medication and still call myself sober. Certain, years into recovery, that I didn't need the things that got me sober anymore. That certainty is how I relapsed after seven and a half years. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about the one thing I had to give up to get sober and stay sober: my own judgment. Open-mindedness isn't one skill on the list — it's the door every other recovery skill comes through. By the end of this episode, you'll know how to catch your mind closing — and what to do in that moment. In this episode: Why denial is a closed mind pointed inward, and recovery as unlearning old ideasThe stages of change (Prochaska & DiClemente) — and how to tell which one you're actually in by watching your feet, not your intentionsHonesty, open-mindedness and willingness: why 12-step literature calls them indispensableBeing open to discomfort: letting cravings in without acting on themWhat the research says about psychological flexibility and substance useWhy rigid, black-and-white thinking is part of the illness, not a character flawMore than one path: 12-step, SMART Recovery, medication, therapy and harm reductionBeing open to feedback, and to a new sober identity ("sober people are boring" is a closed mind protecting the old self)Four tools to try this week: The ten-minute wait — name the urge, notice it, wait ten minutes. Don't fight it, don't feed it.The swap — catch "always" and "never" in your head and change them to "sometimes."Go once as a tourist — try a recovery format you've written off. Go more than once before you decide.Ask "What am I not seeing?" — ask one trusted person, then just say thank you. No defending.Research mentioned: Ii, T., et al. (2019). Psychological flexibility-based interventions versus first-line psychosocial interventions for substance use disorders: Systematic review and meta-analyses of RCTs. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 13, 109–120.Regier, P. S., et al. (2024). Factors associated with cognitive flexibility in people with opioid-use disorder: A pilot study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1505391Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. — Stages of Change (Transtheoretical Model)

    The Skill That Unlocks Every Other Skill in Recovery : Open-Mindedness

  4. Oct 15

    Dealing With Difficult People : Acceptance Isn't Approval

    Difficult people aren't going anywhere. The resentment you carry about them is optional. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about dealing with difficult people in addiction recovery, and why acceptance doesn't mean approval, putting up with mistreatment, or becoming a doormat. We start with a question: who have you argued with most this week who wasn't even in the room? The rehearsed argument in the car or the shower. You win it every time and still feel worse. That's the part I want to look at. In this episode: • Why a disturbance is information about me, not a verdict on them • The resentment I carried for years about people with money, and how I finally saw it was mine • The famous "page 417" acceptance passage from 12-step literature, and how it gets misread as "just put up with it" • Acceptance vs. approval: swapping "the way it's supposed to be" for "the way it is" • Radical acceptance from DBT (Marsha Linehan), and a quick note on the God word for secular listeners • The Serenity Prayer as a sorting tool, not just comfort • Boundaries as acceptance in action: accepting someone doesn't mean handing them a key to your house • What the research says about acceptance-based approaches to substance use • The uncomfortable one: sometimes the difficult person is me Try this after listening: Mine / Not Mine: two columns. Their tone, choices and opinion of you go under Not Mine. Your response goes under Mine."Is" not "should": swap "they shouldn't be like this" for "this is how they are right now."Boundary script: "When you ___, I'm going to ___." It's about your action, not their behaviour, and it can stay internal.Pause when agitated: create space between the feeling and the decision.This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, talk to someone you trust, a recovery community, or a professional. Research mentioned: Lee, E. B., An, W., Levin, M. E., & Twohig, M. P. (2015). An initial meta-analysis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for treating substance use disorders. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 155, 1–7. If this episode helped, follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating. It's the single biggest thing that helps someone else find the show. Recovery: simple, not easy. AA Grapevine – Talking with Dr. Paul Recovery Answers – ACT meta-analysis summary (Lee et al., 2015) Lee et al. (2015), Drug and Alcohol Dependence 155 AA Agnostica – critique of the acceptance passage

    Dealing With Difficult People : Acceptance Isn't Approval

  5. Oct 13

    Perception vs. Perspective: Why Your Brain Lies in Early Recovery

    Perception vs. perspective in addiction recovery: why your gut read isn't the truth — and how to change where you're standing. Someone doesn't text back and your brain has the whole movie written in half a second: they're mad, they're talking about you, it's over. In early sobriety, those stories feel like facts — and a lot of us have relapsed, or come close, over stories exactly like that. In this solo episode, Anthony breaks down the difference between perception (the fast, automatic read — often wrong) and perspective (where you're looking from — slower, and something you can choose). Perception is the picture. Perspective is the camera angle. From lived experience in recovery since 2015, Anthony shares the night in treatment he was certain his wife had crashed her car, the elevator conversation where his addict brain decided a stranger was high, and why his mentor almost always takes his wife's side — and why he's grateful for it. What we cover: Why addiction tilts your attention toward triggers — what researchers call attentional bias — and why the liquor store seems to glow in early sobrietyFeelings aren't facts: how resentments, paranoia and "everyone's judging me" start as a guess that feels trueThe CBT move of catching an automatic thought and testing itA self-talk trick using your own name that research suggests can calm emotional reactions with little extra effortBorrowing someone else's eyes — sponsor, mentor, coach, friendChanging the time angle on problems, cravings and urgesWhy perspective isn't denialFour tools to try this week: Say your own name — "Why is Anthony so angry?" instead of "Why am I so angry?"Ask two questions — What's the actual evidence? What else could this mean?Borrow someone else's eyes — "Here's what happened. How does it look from where you're standing?"Play the tape forward — Will this matter in five days, five months, five years? With a craving, picture the next morning, not the first drink.How willing are you to be wrong about one more thing? Pick one tool, try it, and tell us how it went. This is peer support and lived experience, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a professional, your local crisis line, or someone you trust in recovery. Research mentioned: Field, Munafò & Franken (2009), Psychological Bulletin — attentional bias and craving meta-analysisField, Marhe & Franken (2014), CNS Spectrums — clinical relevance of attentional bias in substance use disordersMagill & Ray (2009), Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs — CBT meta-analysis of 53 trialsMoser, Kross et al. (2017), Scientific Reports — third-person self-talk and emotion regulationNew here? Follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating — it helps people who need these conversations find the show. Recovery is simple, not easy.

    Perception vs. Perspective: Why Your Brain Lies in Early Recovery

  6. Oct 8

    Ego in Addiction Recovery: Why "I've Got This" Led to My Relapse

    "I've got this" was my problem for years: I've got it under control, I'll figure it out on my own. Before my relapse after seven and a half years sober, it was the same voice: I don't need to tell anyone. This won't blow up in my face. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about cutting your ego down to size without cutting yourself down, and about keeping the part of your ego you actually need. We get into: What the ego really is: the part that says "I can handle it," "rules are for other people," and "I'm different," and how it showed up for me at my third treatment centerSurrender vs. compliance: being a member, an attender, or a pretender, and why the only thing an alcoholic has to surrender is their judgmentHumility vs. humiliation: why "tear them down to build them up" backfires, and a study that found shame, not guilt, predicted relapse in early sobrietyRight-sizing: "I'm the worst person in this room" is still ego, just upside down. You're not God, you're not the sheriff of the universe, and you're not garbage either.Why you need some ego to stay sober: the difference between "I've got this" and "I can do this," and building a proof list of hard things you've done sober (David Goggins calls it the cookie jar)How the ego comes back in long-term sobriety. I never relapsed when things got bad. I relapsed when I got cocky.Service as daily right-sizing, and the best high in recoveryThe takeaway: you don't want a big ego or no ego. You want one that's the right size, humble enough to ask for help and strong enough to believe you're worth it. This week: start your proof list. Write down one hard thing you've done sober and DM me what it is on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod Shared from lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a doctor, a treatment provider, or someone in your recovery community. Research mentioned: Harry Tiebout, "Surrender versus Compliance in Therapy" (1953) and "The Ego Factors in Surrender in Alcoholism"Randles & Tracy (2013), "Nonverbal displays of shame predict relapse and declining health in recovering alcoholics," Clinical Psychological ScienceKadden & Litt (2011), "The role of self-efficacy in the treatment of substance use disorders," Addictive BehaviorsResearch on service, humility and relapse in adolescents in residential treatment"Humility and 12-Step Recovery," Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly (2016)

    Ego in Addiction Recovery: Why "I've Got This" Led to My Relapse

  7. Oct 6

    Sober Isn't the Same as Okay — 10 Hard Truths About Addiction Recovery

    Getting sober doesn't fix your life. It gives you a chance to fix it. Ten harsh truths from 11 years in recovery. Nobody really tells you about the hard parts of addiction recovery — or if they do, you're not ready to hear them. In this solo episode, Anthony shares ten truths he's learned the hard way across 11 years in and out of recovery, including a relapse after seven and a half years of sobriety. None of it is meant to shame anyone. It stings first. Then it sets you free. This is lived experience, not a rule book — and definitely not everybody's experience. In this episode: - Why getting sober turns up the volume on the problems drinking and using were covering - Why not everyone will be happy you're sober — and grieving the old drinking buddies - Amends: clearing your side of the street without expecting a result - Relapse is common, but it isn't the end (and it isn't a license) - Why most people take more than one serious run at recovery - When the pink cloud ends and the boredom shows up - Dry vs. recovered: you can be sober and still miserable - The paradox: nobody can do it for you, and you can't do it alone - Feelings coming back — sitting with them, not in them - Why recovery has no finish line, and why that's a gift Numbers mentioned: - Relapse rates for substance use disorders: 40–60%, comparable to hypertension and asthma — National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), Drugs, Brains, and Behavior. - Serious recovery attempts before resolving a substance problem: median 2, mean ~5 — Kelly et al. (2019), Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research. - ~22 million U.S. adults (9.1%) report having resolved a significant alcohol or drug problem — Kelly et al. (2017), Drug and Alcohol Dependence. If this one landed, follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating — it helps someone else find it. Real stories. Recovering Out Loud is a peer-led podcast sharing lived experience. It is not medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.

    Sober Isn't the Same as Okay — 10 Hard Truths About Addiction Recovery

  8. Oct 1

    The Difference Between Me and a Normal Drinker | Borrowed Wisdom: Bob D.

    What's the real difference between an alcoholic and a normal drinker? Old-timer Bob D. has an answer. In this Borrowed Wisdom episode, Anthony breaks down a speaker talk from Bob D. on the disease of alcoholism — and why, in Bob's words, he didn't become an alcoholic because he drank; he drank the way he did because he's an alcoholic. We get into: The chicken or the egg — does drinking cause alcoholism, or does something come first? Bob believes he was born this way. Anthony isn't sure — and why that question matters less than the solution.The geographic cure — why moving cities never fixes it. Wherever you go, there you are.Two kinds of wiring — a normal drinker feels a buzz and backs off. An alcoholic feels the same buzz and hits the gas. "Losing control" vs. "about to get control."Never "just right" — the phenomenon of craving, chasing the dragon, and the stimulant/benzo cycle of trying to be your own chemist.Feeling normal only when half lit — the invisible wall at the party, and how recovery lets you feel "a part of" without substances.Restless, irritable and discontent — the dog circling the room, and "chronic malcontent": the new car that's the wrong colour three weeks later.Head vs. heart — the difference between admitting you have a problem and getting it in your innermost self. Watch your feet.The downside of getting better — how a good life can seduce you into a false sense of okayness, and how that played into Anthony's own 7.5-year relapse.When the obsession returns — why people who relapse after years often say they'd have bet anything they'd never drink again.This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. 12-step, SMART Recovery, therapy, rehab, sober coaching — find the path that works for you, then do the work. Want the link to Bob D.'s full talk? DM me on Instagram. @recoveringoutloudpod If no one's told you today — we love you. Recovery is simple, not easy.

    The Difference Between Me and a Normal Drinker | Borrowed Wisdom: Bob D.
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About

Sobriety you can actually use — from someone who lived it twice. I'm Anthony. I got sober in 2015, relapsed after 7.5 years, and rebuilt from zero. Now I'm an addiction counsellor-in-training sharing what actually works in recovery — not theory, real tools. Every episode covers the real struggles of staying sober: emotional sobriety, relapse prevention, identity, people-pleasing, shame, trauma, mental health, and the messy middle nobody talks about. If you're newly sober, years in, or supporting someone you love — this is your space. New episodes every week. Follow so you never miss one.

Information

  • Creator
    Anthony Degasperis
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    158
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Anthony Degasperis
  • Show Website
    Recovering Out Loud

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