I met Valena Beety earlier this summer during a reading event at the Bureau of General Services—Queer Division, a cultural space and bookstore located at The Center in New York City, when she was promoting her groundbreaking book, Pink Crime: Fighting Against the Criminalization of Motherhood, Pregnancy, and Queer Identity. It’s a fascinating read and many of the cases and case studies will surprise you—especially if you’re not as familiar with some of the landmark legal cases of the past few decades (including the women known as the “San Antonio Four” who were eventually exonerated) that have sought to criminalize us. I was eager to talk to her and uncover how the American legal system weaponizes queer identity, criminalizes alternative families, and fabricates guilt out of who we love. I hope you enjoy the episode and share it with others—we keep all our posts free—and if you are experiencing any situations and need assistance you find the resources available to help in your time of need. Before I recap the talking points we covered, I wanted to address one of the questions that a person raised in the chat during our live conversation. The person asked for help in getting out of a relationship that involved “coercive control.” What is coercive control? "Coercive control is a pattern of intentional, ongoing behavior designed to exert power and dominance over another person in an intimate or family relationship. Coercive controlling behaviors go beyond isolated incidents of physical violence to include a broad range of tactics that systematically restrict a person’s autonomy, independence, and decision making over time. Coercive control can be defined as an intentional pattern of behavior that takes place over time in order for one individual to exert excessive and harmful power over another. “The effect of coercive control is to make a person dependent on their abuser by isolating them from external support, depriving them of independence, and regulating daily life in ways that erode freedom and self-determination. Experts, including domestic abuse researchers, liken the experiences of survivors in coercive control relationships to being entrapped in a world created by the abuser in which the victim’s reality, choices, and rights are systematically undermined.” We were unable to quickly provide resources for this person, but I did do some online research and found that the National Domestic Violence Hotline does offer help in such cases. Their “caring, supportive and well-trained advocates” can provide safety tips and referrals to services and resources in your community. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) That said, if you are looking for support online, the Office on Women’s Health shares this important safety warning: “Anyone with access to your phone or computer can check which websites you visit. It’s not possible to clear your Internet history completely from your computer or phone. It may be safer to use a public computer, such as at a library, or a friend’s phone. ” I wish I could provide more support, but I hope this is a start and you and others are able to find the help you need. I think you’ll enjoy this episode overall—especially how we ended it by calling for more same-gender kissing and more “queer kiss-ins”! Here’s a rundown of some of what we covered during this episode. What is the "No-Crime" Phenomenon? Valena’s research shows that nearly three-quarters of exonerated women (that’s 75% y’all) were wrongfully convicted of crimes that never actually happened. I was curious how homophobia, misogyny and outdated practices act as the "evidence" that helps prosecutors secure these bogus convictions. * This includes old-world “witch trial” logic like the “float test” to modern pseudoscientific diagnoses. The system often couples bad forensics with gender bias to build a narrative of guilt. * Valena also shared how women and queer people are significantly more vulnerable to giving false confessions under police pressure. * Then there’s contemporary anti-LGBTQ+ laws that rely on historical panic surrounding queer people. The legal system currently uses malicious “groomer” narratives to criminalize just existing, for example, as a trans youth or drag performer. Weaponizing Queer Parenting In the book, Valena discusses the criminalization of parenting decisions and motherhood. She herself is married to a woman and is a parent, so she understands this fear first hand. For example, she never takes any innocent “bathtime” photos, and when her mother shared one recently, she deleted it from her phone immediately due to any perceived implications it could pose. In many ways queer parents are judged by outdated, heteronormative standards of what a "good parent" looks like. We also brought up the recent issue of “swatting” that Pete Buttigieg faced, in which an anonymous caller contacted Child Protective Services and claimed to have met Buttigieg at a conference several years ago in Alabama, “where she said I told her that I had committed unspeakable violent crimes, and the caller believed my children were still at risk.” He details it here on his own Substack in a piece titled, “A Terrible Thing Happened to My Family”: “The twenty-four hours until they returned are among the darkest hours of my life. I tried to get my head around the idea that I had been accused of something so serious that I couldn’t be alone around my own children, and had consented to have them interviewed by strangers, without my knowing where the accusation had come from or even what it contained.” Y’all, this happened to a prominent, privileged cis white man. If it can happen to him, how the hell do you think you’d react in a similar situation? Love as a Safety Net In Pink Crime, we see how isolation makes people vulnerable to wrongful convictions, while community and partnerships offer a lifeline. Valena explained how queer couples can intentionally foster “relationship security” so that their partnership acts as a safe harbor against a hostile world. She also advised that the true antidote to these punitive policies is visibility and telling our own stories. In particular, she said the queer community should use storytelling as a form of legal and cultural defense. Advice on Building a Secure Relationship Navigating a world with systemic biases can create a lot of external anxiety for LGBTQ+ couples. I asked Valena—based on her own journey as a queer woman, wife, and mother—what advice she had for queer people looking to build a deeply secure, resilient relationship. And how she keeps outside societal pressures from fracturing that bond. She gave a deeply personal and moving answer: “My advice for myself, and this has been really important to my relationship, is that these outside pressures can be real. They can become real stress in a relationship. ... Even if we’re not experiencing it directly, we’re absorbing it and we’re hearing things. “And that can manifest in pettiness with our partner. It’s so important for me and my partner to always come back to love, to know that at the base of our relationship, we are on the same team. We are on the same team against all of this." "So, we can we can have our fears and our frustrations—and take them out in ways that may not, you know, be be supportive of each other—but at the end of that argument, remember: We love each other. We are on the same team, and our love is so important to making it through all of this.” “I mean, really, like this is just a lesson from decades and from queer elders, right? That there’s going to be the stigma. There’s going to be the attacks. So it’s so crucial to remember that your relationship is rooted in love.” Kissing as a Strategy for Resistance! Finally, we left everyone with a strategy suggested by Valena that I cosign! “One of my favorite strategies of resistance is, if you’re at an event where there’s, for example, the lieutenant governor of Indiana, who is a huge homophobe: My wife and I will just start kissing, and I love it! “I’m in a parade and someone’s going by.? We make sure [we kiss'] because it’s legal. It’s love. It makes people feel awkward. It’s great!” Thanks to everyone who joined us live during this fascinating conversation that provided some essential information and guidance as we all continue to navigate our precarious and confusing times. And thanks to Valena Beety for spending time during the beginning of her busy fall semester teaching to spread the love! To celebrate our 2-year anniversary, we’re offering a special 20% discount to become an annual subscriber. That means you’ll pay $24 for the entire year! Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe
