There’s a kind of quiet pressure in the air right now, like something is asking us to take our life, our voice, our presence a little more seriously, to notice where we’ve been waiting, where we’ve been holding back, where we’ve been hoping something outside of us would shift first, and instead, to meet yourself there first, to move, to choose, to lead yourself, even if it feels unfamiliar. It feels a bit like this Sun meeting Saturn in Aries energy, is not here to rush us, but to remind you that life responds when you do. I didn’t notice the absence all at once, it crept in quietly, like a room that used to be warm but now feels just slightly too cold, like conversations that looked right on the surface but don’t quite land in my body, like I was reading words but not feeling anyone behind them. I was sitting there, half-curled into myself, phone in hand, thumb still moving more out of habit than intention, and there was this moment where I paused mid-scroll, not because something captivated me, but because nothing did, because everything felt… flat, polished, optimised within an inch of its life, and I remember thinking, when did it start to feel like this? When did it start to feel like we’d sanded down all the edges that make something human, human, and in that moment it wasn’t anger that rose up, it was grief, soft but undeniable, the kind that sits in my chest and makes me exhale a little heavier than usual. It’s strange, noticing the absence of something I didn’t even realise I was relying on, like realness, like texture, like the subtle, imperfect aliveness of someone actually being there, and instead, this creeping sense that maybe I’m not even in conversation with a person anymore, maybe it’s a system, a script, something designed to respond just well enough to keep me engaged, to sell me something. And I caught myself second-guessing things that used to feel so simple, like a DM, a comment, a reply, wondering is this real? Is there even actually someone on the other side of this? And that thought alone felt disorienting, like the ground beneath connection had shifted without anyone announcing it. And that questioning pulled back the covers, on what’s been there for a while, the ache, steady, persistent, like a low hum running through everything, the ache for something that feels alive again, for people in their full creative expression, messy and honest and a little bit unhinged in the best way, the kind of expression that doesn’t ask for permission or approval, the kind that leaves a trace, a feeling, a memory in your body, an echo long after you’ve encountered it. I think that’s why the lyrics from Paris Paloma’s new song Miyazaki landed the way they did, like they found a part of me that was already open, already tender, already listening, “I leave a stream of greenery in every path I walk…” and I could feel it, not just understand it, feel it, like a remembering, like oh, that’s what it’s meant to be, we’re not here to just pass through untouched, unnoticed, efficient and palatable, we’re here to leave something living behind us, something that grows, something that breathes, something that changes the colour of the air for the people who come after us. And still, even in that remembering, there was that familiar loop, the one I think so many of us find ourselves in without even realising, the quiet repetition of I wish there was more of this, I wish people showed up like that, I wish things felt different, and it’s such a human place to land, to look outward and notice what’s missing, to name the lack, to feel the gap between what is and what could be, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, I actually think it’s a sign of our sensitivity, our awareness, our capacity to feel into what’s possible. For there was a moment that stopped me in my tracks, a murmur beneath the noise, a quiet voice that didn’t interrupt but simply waited to be heard, and it said, okay… but are you willing to be it?, and I felt that same quiet pressure move through my body before I fully understood it, a kind of grounding, a subtle pull back into myself, like being gently but firmly guided home, asking for something more honest, more self-led, like life isn’t asking you to wait anymore, it’s asking you to meet yourself in it, to initiate something real, even if your voice shakes a little as it comes out. okay… but are you willing to be it? not someday, not when it makes sense… now Because it’s one thing to crave something, to long for it, to feel the absence of it in the world around you, and it’s another thing entirely to realise that you’re being invited to become a part of the supply, to embody the very thing you keep searching for, not in some perfect, polished, aesthetic way, but in the messy, inconvenient, deeply human way that actually creates change. Because craving is often just recognition, before responsibility. And if I’m honest, there was resistance there, of course there was, because it’s easier to stay in the wishing, easier to point at the state of the world, the noise, the exhaustion, the disconnection, and say well, this is just how it is right now, easier to let that be the reason you hold back, the reason you soften your edges, the reason you don’t fully show yourself, because if the world feels like it’s lacking, then you don’t have to take responsibility for what you’re contributing to it. But the truth this conjunction of the Sun and Saturn in Aries settled in my bones whether I liked it or not, was that I was being asked to lead myself here, to stop waiting for the environment to change before I allowed myself to show up differently within it, to take responsibility not in a heavy way, but in a grounded, self-honouring one. So it’s looked like small things, tangible things, initiating a conversation around compensation where I would have once stayed quiet and hoped to be recognised, choosing to see myself first and letting the world recalibrate around that, holding a boundary around my energy where I had previously overextended, noticing where I was participating in dynamics that didn’t honour me and quietly, firmly stepping out of them, letting my voice move when it wanted to move, writing, sharing, speaking in the moment rather than filtering it through the lens of does this fit, does this make sense, will this perform. And something’s shifting, not externally in some immediate, obvious way, but internally, in the way my energy feels in my own body, there’s a sense of circulation where there had been stagnation, a feeling of being invigorated, called forward like I’ve stepped back into my own current instead of standing on the edge of it watching it pass me by. Because when you stop waiting for the world to give you something, and you start offering it instead, you move out of lack and into participation, into contribution, into creation, and that changes the entire texture of your experience, not because everything around you suddenly transforms, but because you are no longer relating to it from the same place. And maybe that’s the quiet invitation in all of this, not to fix the world, not to force anything into being, but to notice what you’re craving, to really feel it, to let it matter, and then to ask yourself, where could I be this? where could I live this? where could I offer this, even in the smallest way? Because if you’ve been craving more depth, more truth, more real, embodied connection that actually lands in your chest and lingers there, it might not be something that’s missing entirely, it might be something that’s waiting, waiting for you to choose it, to live it, to become it in your own life, in your own relationships, in the way you create, in the way you speak, in the way you show up when no one is watching and when everyone is. It might not be missing, it might be waiting. And you don’t have to do it perfectly, you don’t have to do it all at once, you just have to be willing to go first, to leave your own stream of greenery in the paths you walk, to trust that even the smallest acts of realness, of creativity, of presence, ripple out further than you can see, and maybe, just maybe, that’s how things begin to feel alive again. And if something in you is reading this and quietly nodding,like yes… this is what I’ve been feeling, you don’t have to hold it on your own. There’s a space I hold called the Soul Seeker Society,where we come back to this,to realness, to depth, to the parts of you that don’t want to be optimised or performed, just lived. A place where you get to practice being the thing you’re craving,in real time, in your life, in your body, in your voice. And I would love love love to meet you in there. With all my love (and then some) Courtney xx Photos by Haylee Guiver This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit seekingwilder.substack.com
