The Delve Podcast

Delve Psych
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The Delve Podcast is dedicated to exploring deeper approaches to mental wellness and the craft of psychotherapy.

  1. 6D AGO

    The Seduction of Ridicule

    ==Media Links==Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants==Ali McGarelAdam W. Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== Ridicule can feel powerful because it moves shame outward: if I can criticize you, I do not have to feel what hurts in me.Some people turn shame inward through self-attack, depression, or perfectionism; others turn it outward through blame, criticism, and contempt.Projection can make the world look crueler than it is: if I constantly judge others, I may assume everyone is judging me too.Self-deprecation can also be seductive because it feels like beating others to the punch.The antidote is not simply “be nicer.” It is becoming more able to sit with shame without fleeing, attacking, or collapsing.Owning what feels embarrassing can reduce its power. Comedy and improvisation become examples of practicing shame-tolerance.Meditation offers a related lesson: noticing distraction is not failure; the second injury is shaming yourself for having wandered.==Breakdown of Segments== Opening and Delve updates: Ali and Adam invite listeners to share the podcast, follow Delve on Instagram, and tolerate a little human imperfection along the way.Therapists as imperfect people: they discuss the fantasy that therapists are all-knowing, and the reality that clinicians often study what they themselves are still trying to understand.Why therapists specialize: the conversation turns to how personal struggle, referral patterns, and repeated clinical exposure shape what therapists become good at.The seduction of ridicule: Ali and Adam explore criticism as a way to evade vulnerability, shame, and self-scrutiny.Self-blame versus other-blame: they distinguish people who reflexively attack themselves from those who reflexively attack others, while tracing both back to shame.Projection and confirmation bias: Adam describes how people who ridicule others may assume others are doing the same to them.Self-deprecation as defense: Ali notes that criticizing yourself first can feel protective, even when it deepens shame.Shame, enemies, and acceptance: they discuss the impossibility of being liked by everyone and the need to tolerate some disapproval.Comedy, improv, and ownership: Ali’s standup example shows how naming embarrassment can transform it from a weapon into something owned.Meditation and the second arrow: the episode closes with distraction, self-shaming, and the choice not to compound pain with ridicule.==AI Recommended References==Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43-52. Freud, A. (1936). The ego and the mechanisms of defense. Hogarth Press. Gilbert, P. (1997). The evolution of social attractiveness and its role in shame, humiliation, guilt and therapy. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 70(2), 113-147. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.

    32 min

  2. MAY 3

    You Are Allowed to Keep Doing What You’re Doing

    ==Media Links==Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants==Ali McGarelAdam W. Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== The 50th episode opens with Ali and Adam reflecting on the podcast itself: the pleasure of dialogue, public thinking, and watching ideas become sharper over time.The central claim: insight does not automatically require change. Understanding why you do something does not mean you must stop doing it.Psychodynamic work can reveal how childhood strategies were adaptive in their original context, even if they now create friction.Change and non-change both carry consequences. The question is not “What is the correct choice?” but “Which consequences are you willing to live with?”Client autonomy matters. Therapists can notice, question, and challenge, but they should not coerce clients into the therapist’s preferred values.A therapist can “fight” for a client’s stated goals, but that is different from imposing goals the client has not chosen.In relationships, repeatedly asking someone to change may eventually require accepting that they have declined. Then the question becomes what you will do with that reality.==Breakdown of Segments== 50th episode reflection: Ali and Adam exchange appreciation, discuss the podcast’s growth, and reflect on dialogue as a way to build clearer ideas.Why insight is not the same as change: Adam distinguishes psychodynamic awareness from behavioral change; Ali names the missing step of choosing whether to act.Childhood adaptation and adult context: emotional guardedness may have once helped someone survive their family system, while later frustrating a romantic partner.The right to remain the same: the hosts explore a person who understands their emotional avoidance but still chooses not to become highly emotionally expressive.Consequences either way: changing can cost something; not changing can cost something; neither path is consequence-free.Autonomy in therapy: a testing anecdote illustrates that clients can stop, refuse, or choose against the clinician’s preference.When challenge is ethical: Adam describes challenging clients when their behavior conflicts with goals they have clearly stated.Fighting for the client’s values: the therapist’s pressure is framed as legitimate only when it serves the client’s own chosen direction.Relationship impasse: the closing quote turns the theme outward: if someone keeps declining your request that they change, your remaining task is deciding what you will do.==AI Recommended References==Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Plenum. Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press. Prochaska, J. O., Norcross, J. C., & DiClemente, C. C. (1994). Changing for good. William Morrow.

    34 min

  3. APR 26

    The Backwardness of Behavioral Change

    ==Media Links==website: delvepsych.cominstagram: @delvepsychchicagoyoutube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants==Ali McGarelAdam W. Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== Most behavior-change advice assumes awareness: put the phone away, choose your words carefully, notice activation, use the right script.The problem is that people often need help precisely when awareness has already vanished.Autopilot is not moral failure; it is a normal feature of human attention.The useful question is not, "How do I prevent this perfectly?" but, "Once I notice, how quickly can I respond?"Behavioral change often works backward: start at the moment you become aware, then gradually shorten the lag.The "notice and respond" pathway can move from months, to minutes, to seconds.Repair still counts, even if it comes late. Going back teaches people: "I may get lost, but I will return."In relationships, if something matters to your partner, it matters to the relationship.Caring does not mean capitulating. It means getting curious before explaining, defending, or dismissing.==Breakdown of Segments== Opening and Delve updates: word-of-mouth support, services, Substack, and Katherine's post on clients wanting therapy that goes beyond validation.Directive therapy vs telling people what to do: exploring ideas, perspective, and the difference between being challenged and being instructed.The lay model of behavior change: why advice like "put your phone away" or "use better communication skills" quietly depends on awareness already being present.Human attention is fickle: airline safety, crisis information, distraction, and why attention cannot simply be commanded on demand.Relationship safe words and the "pancake" problem: if someone is aware enough to use the safe word, they may already be aware enough to slow down.Autopilot and phone scrolling: the familiar moment of waking up several videos deep and wondering how you got there.Minute zero vs minute four: why people may be more capable of change after awareness returns than at the very beginning of the behavior.Responsibility after noticing: once awareness arrives, the task is to act toward goals, needs, and values.Emotional preconditions: boredom before scrolling, anxiety before fighting, and learning to tolerate the feeling that precedes the habit.Set state and hard rules: preparing the mind before high-risk situations, while recognizing that activation can still overwhelm intention.The notice-and-respond pathway: stop trying to be perfect at prevention; get faster at repair.Shaving off the end: reduce a two-hour fight to four minutes, then two minutes, then twelve seconds, then one.The go-back approach: even a six-month latency can become a meaningful repair if the person returns and takes responsibility.Relationship needs and curiosity: when a partner brings up a need, the first move should be interest, not rebuttal.Stop explaining, start listening: defending the status quo can make partners feel alone together.==AI Recommended References (APA)==Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493-503. Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009. Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2007). A new look at habits and the habit-goal interface. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843-863.

    37 min

  4. APR 19

    Chemistry, Spark, and the Trouble with Romanticism

    ==Media Links==Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants==Hosts: Ali McGarelAdam Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== This episode pushes back on the idea that chemistry is a trustworthy oracle.What feels like spark may actually be anxiety, uncertainty, intermittent reassurance, attachment dynamics, attraction, alcohol, or plain old nervous activation.The better dating question is not "Did I feel fireworks?" but "Can this person support the life I mean to live, and can I support theirs?"Romanticism trains people to expect instant certainty, but durable love may be steadier, less cinematic, and more deliberately built.Curiosity, friendship, humor, respect, and openness to one another's worlds may matter more than a dramatic first-date jolt. ==Breakdown of Segments== Opening provocation: Adam bluntly argues that many people sabotage themselves by treating "no spark" as decisive.Romanticism under review: movies, media, and dating culture sell the fantasy that immediate intensity reveals destiny.The perception detour: the conversation uses visual examples to argue that the mind often delivers compelling but imperfect interpretations.Anxiety as chemistry: they explore how uncertainty, hot-and-cold behavior, and nervous activation can masquerade as romantic depth.Compatibility over fireworks: goals, values, needs, and mutual support become the sturdier rubric.The deal-breaker problem: a short list of true non-negotiables may help; a sprawling checklist may simply keep people single.Stable is not boring by default: they distinguish between lacking a theatrical spark and genuinely disliking someone's company.Friendship-first love: a story about a marriage that began without obvious chemistry becomes a counterexample to soulmate logic.Shared life as co-creation: relationships are framed less as finding the finished right person and more as building the right thing together. ==AI Recommended References== Schachter, S., & Singer, J. E. (1962). Cognitive, social, and physiological determinants of emotional state. Psychological Review, 69(5), 379-399. Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4), 510-517. Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

    58 min

  5. APR 12

    Free Will, Agency, and the Choices We Still Have

    ==Media Links==Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants==Ali McGarelAdam W. Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== The episode tackles free will not as a purely abstract puzzle, but as a practical question for therapy: do we have choices, and what follows if we do?Adam sketches the old deterministic "clockwork universe" problem, then argues that both modern physics and lived human experience complicate any simple claim that everything is fully predetermined.Ali brings the discussion back to the therapy room: even when life is constrained by systems, history, power, or suffering, there is still often some meaningful zone of response.The conversation distinguishes between having unlimited options and having agency within limits. Freedom is not omnipotence.Viktor Frankl becomes a key example: even under horrific external constraint, a person may still retain some interior capacity to choose stance, meaning, and response.The clinical takeaway is stark: therapists more or less have to work as though agency matters. Without that premise, growth, responsibility, and intentional change become nearly unintelligible. ==Breakdown of Segments== Opening setup: Ali and Adam frame free will as one of those unavoidable questions sitting underneath psychotherapy itself.Physics detour: determinism, the "clockwork universe," and a brief turn to quantum uncertainty as a challenge to strict predictability.Psychology level: whatever the metaphysics, human beings seem to experience themselves as choosing, deliberating, and acting.Religion and predestination: the episode makes room for faith traditions while still emphasizing the experiencing self as an active participant.Systems and constraints: Ali raises the crucial corrective that social conditions, power, and circumstance sharply delimit available choices.Frankl and the camps: they use Man's Search for Meaning to illustrate the claim that inner stance can remain a site of agency even amid profound external coercion.Therapy implications: external locus of control, helplessness, and passivity are contrasted with the difficult but vital question, "What can I do here?"Closing challenge: stop waiting for the magical fix, stop flirting with powerlessness, and use whatever agency seems genuinely available. ==AI Recommended References== Carroll, S. (2019). Something deeply hidden: Quantum worlds and the emergence of spacetime. Dutton. Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning. Beacon Press. Frankfurt, H. G. (1969). Alternate possibilities and moral responsibility. The Journal of Philosophy, 66(23), 829-839. https://doi.org/10.2307/2023833 Rotter, J. B. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs: General and Applied, 80(1), 1-28.

    27 min

  6. APR 5

    Emotional Dumping, Healthy Support and Knowing When to Reach Out

    ==Media Links== website: delvepsych.cominstagram: @delvepsychchicagoyoutube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants== Ali McGarelAdam Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== This episode tackles a very modern anxiety: when does opening up to friends become too much? Ali and Adam argue that the line is not simply "talking about hard things" versus "keeping them to yourself." The real questions are about consent, capacity, frequency, and fit. They also push back on the idea that all distress should be outsourced either to friends or only to therapists; people need a wider repertoire. Journaling, music, meditation, private processing, therapy, and friendship all have their place. Just as important, the receiver has agency too: good support includes boundaries, honest feedback, and the right to say yes, no, or not right now. ==Breakdown of Segments== Opening Delve updates and the central question: what is the difference between healthy venting and emotional dumping? A challenge to the over-medicalized idea that only therapists should hold emotional pain, with a reminder that human beings have always relied on communal care. Adam's practical heuristic: try to soothe internally first, then externalize privately through writing, voice notes, or art, then consider therapy, and then bring it to friends if needed. Ali's core guideline: ask first. "Do you have the capacity for this right now?" turns support into consent rather than assumption. A useful distinction between different goals: validation, problem solving, emotional processing, distraction, suppression, artistic expression, meditation, narrative-making, and simple companionship are not the same thing. A reminder that your friends' personalities matter too. Some people validate well, some problem-solve fast, and some need clearer instructions about what kind of support you want. A strong defense of boundaries on the receiving side: it does not make you a bad friend to realize a four-hour call was too much and say so afterward. A generous closing reflection that suffering can become part of growth, caretaking, and even modeling for others how to live with emotion more skillfully. Quote-board coda: "You are a reaction to your parents," followed by a discussion of how even absent or harmful caregivers still shape the context from which we begin. ==AI Recommended References (APA)== Burleson, B. R. (2003). The experience and effects of emotional support: What the study of cultural and gender differences can tell us about close relationships, emotion, and interpersonal communication. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 1-23. Linehan, M. M. (2025). DBT skills training manual (Rev. ed.). Guilford Press. Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening up by writing it down: How expressive writing improves health and eases emotional pain (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

    29 min

  7. MAR 22

    Strong, Successful, and Still Lonely

    ==Media Links== website: delvepsych.cominstagram: @delvepsychchicagoyoutube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants== Ali McGarelAdam Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== This episode takes the "male loneliness epidemic" seriously without pretending that concern for men cancels concern for women or trans people. Ali and Adam explore how many men are taught to build their value through status, toughness, money, and partnership, while getting very little training in vulnerability, emotionally rich friendship, or asking for help. The result is a brittle kind of masculinity: perform strength, suppress fear, rely too heavily on a romantic partner, and then feel stranded when real connection is needed. The closing quote-board riff shifts to envy, arguing that envy is not someone else's fault to solve; it is yours to understand, metabolize, and manage. ==Breakdown of Segments== Opening banter, Delve updates, and a setup of the central question: is the male loneliness epidemic real, and if so, what is actually driving it? A careful framing that says talking about male struggle does not require ignoring the very real structural inequities faced by women and trans people. A discussion of why men may be struggling in newer ways: educational decline, changing social roles, economic pressure, and confusion about purpose once older gender arrangements no longer organize identity. A turn toward friendship and intimacy: men may be lonelier not only because they have fewer close bonds, but because many were never taught how to build emotionally expressive friendships in the first place. A sharp critique of the "be strong" script, including how male vulnerability can feel socially perilous in dating, work, leadership, and everyday male peer culture. A funny but pointed section on how men often socialize side-by-side rather than face-to-face, plus the role of homophobia and masculine policing in limiting closeness. A practical intervention: do not let your romantic partner become your only person. Call your friends. Rebuild your wider relational world before a crisis forces the issue. A closing mini-segment on envy: envy can reveal a genuine longing, but it becomes corrosive when it is dumped onto others or turned into a demand that they apologize for having what you want. ==AI Recommended References (APA)== Plank, L. (2019). For the love of men: A new vision for mindful masculinity. St. Martin's Griffin. Reeves, R. V. (2022). Of boys and men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it. Brookings Institution Press. Way, N. (2013). Deep secrets: Boys' friendships and the crisis of connection. Harvard University Press.

    38 min

  8. MAR 15

    Let's Normalize Spiraling a Bit

    website: delvepsych.cominstagram: @delvepsychchicagoyoutube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ ==Participants== Ali McGarelAdam Fominaya ==Overview of Big Ideas== Therapy is not about becoming unbothered, robotic, or perfectly stoic. This episode argues that spiraling, panic, grief, and anger do not automatically mean failure; progress is messy, and shame usually makes it worse. Adam and Ali also separate emotions from behavior: you may not get to choose what you feel, but you do have some agency in how you relate to it and what you do next. ==Breakdown of Segments== Opening Delve updates, a plug for sharing the podcast, and a quick nod to therapy services and Substack. Why people treat one panic attack, relapse, or bad fight as proof that all progress is gone, and why that framing is badly distorted. A critique of the fantasy of "mastering" mental health, plus a discussion of how emotional suppression has often been gendered and socially enforced. A useful distinction between emotion and behavior: panic, sadness, and anger may arrive on their own, but you still have choices about expression, context, and consequences. Examples from sobriety, couples therapy, job interviews, and improv to show that setbacks are not the same thing as total collapse. What healthy spiraling might look like: crying, cocooning, grieving, and feeling fully without turning pain into collateral damage for everyone nearby. A closing reflection on a stoic-style quote about doing the hard thing in pursuit of the good, not merely the easy, pleasurable, or status-laden thing. ==AI Recommended References== Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association. Sorabji, R. (2000). Emotion and peace of mind: From Stoic agitation to Christian temptation. Oxford University Press.

    32 min
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The Delve Podcast is dedicated to exploring deeper approaches to mental wellness and the craft of psychotherapy.

Information

  • Creator
    Delve Psych
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    51
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Delve Psych
  • Show Website
    The Delve Podcast