Unparented

Robert DelFave
  • 5.0 (5)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Biweekly

What happens after you lose a parent and life keeps moving? Unparented follows grief into relationships, parenting, work, milestones, and the questions that surface years later. I’m Robert. My dad died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 26. Through personal stories, research, and guest conversations, we examine what parent loss leaves us carrying, how it changes with us, and what support can still change.

  1. 2d ago

    What “It Is What It Is” Was Hiding

    "I'm so sorry about your parents." "Thanks. It's okay." The response comes quickly, even when nothing about the loss feels okay. Sometimes "it is what it is" expresses acceptance. Sometimes it protects a boundary or saves us from explaining our grief in a place that cannot hold it. It can also help everyone escape an uncomfortable conversation. In this episode of Unparented, I look at what these familiar phrases may be doing beneath the surface. He explores the fear of burdening other people, the difference between acceptance and resignation, and why choosing not to talk is not automatically avoidance. Why grieving people may reassure the person offering sympathy How other people's discomfort can shape what we say about loss The difference between accepting a death and deciding that no support can help afterward Why silence can be a healthy boundary More honest ways to respond without sharing your entire story A private exercise for discovering what may come after "it is what it is" Finish this privately: It is what it is, and... You might write: It is what it is, and I hate that this is my life. It is what it is, and I miss having someone to call. It is what it is, and I do not want to talk about it today. It is what it is, and I wish someone would ask a better question. You do not have to share the answer. The exercise helps you notice whether the phrase feels like acceptance, a needed boundary, or a way of disappearing from the conversation. If this episode brought something into focus and you want help naming where grief is showing up in your life, I offer complimentary Grief Map conversations. You will take a practical look at what you are carrying, where it is affecting you, and what kind of support may help. Learn more or schedule: https://www.robertdelfave.com/coaching Website: https://www.robertdelfave.com Book, The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens: https://www.robertdelfave.com/book Podcast: https://www.robertdelfave.com/podcast Nina R. Jakoby, "Talking About Grief: Conversational Partners Sought by Bereaved People" Vanessa Juth and colleagues, "Social Constraints Are Associated with Negative Psychological and Physical Adjustment in Bereavement" Emily A. Butler and colleagues, "The Social Consequences of Expressive Suppression" Margaret Stroebe and colleagues, "Does Disclosure of Emotions Facilitate Recovery From Bereavement?" George A. Bonanno and colleagues, "Grief Processing and Deliberate Grief Avoidance" This episode offers general education and personal reflection. It is not mental-health diagnosis, treatment, or advice for an individual situation.

  2. Sep 28

    Who remembers your childhood when your parents are gone?

    A photograph you cannot explain. A question from your child. A small detail about your own life that only your mother or father would have known. In this episode of Unparented, Robert DelFave explores what happens when the people who remembered your early life are no longer available to answer your questions. Robert shares a childhood memory of eating McDonald’s breakfast with his father and watching planes at the airport. Years later, he recognized how those mornings may still shape something he enjoys today. Drawing on research into autobiographical memory and the long-term experience of early parental loss, Robert considers why seemingly ordinary questions can carry so much weight. Sometimes we want a missing fact. Sometimes we want a conversation with someone who knew us before we could remember ourselves. The episode also makes room for complicated families, conflicting memories, unsafe relationships, and questions that may never receive satisfying answers. In this episode: How conversations with caregivers help us understand and organize memories from our lives.Why new questions about a parent can emerge years after their death.The difference between wanting information and wanting to be remembered.Why you are not responsible for anticipating every future question before someone dies.How milestones, parenting, and ordinary moments can renew grief.Ways to approach relatives or family friends when you want to ask about the past.Why another person’s memory can be meaningful without becoming the definitive version of what happened.How to acknowledge an unanswered question without turning it into a project you must solve.A question to take with you: What would I ask, and what do I hope the answer would give me? You may be looking for a name, date, or missing piece of family history. You may also be missing the person you wanted to have the conversation with. Both can be true. Connect with Robert Robert DelFave is a grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, QPR-trained Gatekeeper, and author of The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens. His father died when he was fourteen, and his mother died in his mid-twenties. If this episode brought up something you have been carrying and you would like help making sense of it, learn about Robert’s work and the complimentary 45-minute Grief Map Session at robertdelfave.com. Follow Unparented for conversations about losing a parent and how that experience continues shaping adult life. If this episode brought someone to mind, consider sharing it with them. Research mentioned Robyn Fivush: The Development of Autobiographical MemoryChater and colleagues: Reflections on Experiencing Parental Bereavement as a Young PersonEllis, Dowrick, and Lloyd-Williams: The Long-Term Impact of Early Parental DeathA note about support This episode combines Robert’s personal experience, broader themes shared in public conversations about grief, and published research. Individual experiences of memory, family relationships, and parental loss vary. This episode is educational and is not a clinical assessment or mental-health treatment. Robert is not a therapist; grief coaching does not replace care from a qualified licensed mental-health professional. In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide or crisis support. In immediate life-threatening danger, call 911.

    Who remembers your childhood when your parents are gone?

  3. Sep 21

    I'm functioning. Why do I still feel like I need help?

    You organize the family gathering, check on everyone else, and show up when you're needed. But when someone asks what you need, you aren't sure how to answer. In this episode of Unparented, Robert DelFave explores the gap between managing your responsibilities and feeling supported after losing a parent. Through a hypothetical anniversary gathering, he considers what might be happening beneath “I'm fine” and how asking for help can begin with one specific difficulty. Robert also shares his experience with therapy and explains what grief coaching can involve, where coaching and therapy overlap, and why a provider's qualifications matter more than a simple “past versus future” distinction. In this episode: Why getting through the day doesn't tell the whole story of how you're doing.How family gatherings can become responsibilities you feel unable to step away from.What a practical Grief Day Plan might include.What lived experience can bring to a helping relationship, and what it cannot replace.Questions to ask when choosing a coach or therapist.A question to take with you: “I want help with…” You don't need your whole story organized before you begin that conversation. Connect with Robert Robert DelFave is a grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, QPR-trained Gatekeeper, and author of The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens. His father died when he was fourteen, and his mother died in his mid-twenties. Learn about his work and the complimentary 45-minute Grief Map Session at robertdelfave.com. Follow Unparented for conversations about losing a parent and how that experience continues shaping adult life. If this episode brought someone to mind, consider sharing it with them. Resources mentioned National Institute of Mental Health: PsychotherapiesNational Institute of Mental Health: Caring for Your Mental HealthQPR Institute: About QPRA note about support The anniversary scenario is hypothetical, not a client story. This episode is educational and is not a clinical assessment or mental-health treatment. Robert is not a therapist; grief coaching does not replace care from a qualified licensed mental-health professional. In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide or crisis support. In immediate life-threatening danger, call 911.

    I'm functioning. Why do I still feel like I need help?

  4. Sep 13

    I Have a Family of My Own, but I Still Want My Parents

    Having a spouse, children, and a family of your own does not remove the desire to call your parents. In this solo episode, Robert reflects on losing his father at fourteen and his mother at twenty-six. He talks about missing his parents during his daughters’ milestones, but also during the ordinary moments: driving home after a difficult day, sharing good news, or wanting to ask what he was like as a child. Robert also explores the adult relationship with his parents that he never got to experience. He considers how early parent loss shaped his need to feel chosen, safe, and wanted in other relationships, as well as his fear of being a burden. The episode includes an honest look at parenting after parent loss. After recognizing parts of his father’s discipline in his own reactions, Robert began examining how he speaks when he becomes frustrated. He shares how faith, reflection, and a simple agreement with his wife are helping him interrupt patterns he does not want to pass to his daughters. In this episode: Missing your parents after building a family of your ownGrieving the adult relationship you never had with themWanting access to your parents’ memories of your childhoodParenting without someone to call for adviceRecognizing family patterns without excusing the hurt they causedFinding a safe place for unfinished conversationsLearning to pause before passing an old wound forwardScripture mentioned: James 1:19 Content note: This episode discusses parental death, complicated parent-child relationships, yelling, and childhood spanking. Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writingWebsite: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: hello@robertdelfave.com The Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

    I Have a Family of My Own, but I Still Want My Parents

  5. Feb 6

    Ten Years of Running

    Ten years. That's how long I stayed away from Rochester, the place where I grew up, where my parents died, where my grandparents finished raising me after everything fell apart. I told myself there was nothing left for me there. But the truth? I was running. This episode is different. It's just me. No guest, no interview. Just me telling you about what happened when I finally went back. I took my wife and daughters to Rochester for the first time. I showed them the house I grew up in, the door I took apart as a kid, the deck where I'd eat the salt off pretzels and throw them in the snow. I took my four-year-old daughter to meet her grandpa at the mausoleum. She walked right up and said, "Hi Grandpa, I love you." And I lost it. Then she asked me where my mom was. Four words from the backseat of a rental car that I had no answer to. "I don't know, sweetheart. Daddy doesn't know where she's buried." I didn't go to my mom's funeral. And sitting in that car, unable to answer my daughter's question, wasn't about guilt. It was about not having a place to bring her. No grave, no mausoleum. Just nothing. But here's what I learned: the parts of yourself you think you left behind are never really gone. They're just waiting for you to come back and find them. And going back to the place you've been avoiding might be exactly how you realize how far you've actually come. This one's raw. This one's real. And if you've ever run from a place that hurt you, I think you'll feel this one.  In this episode:  Why I stayed away from Rochester for 10 yearsThe moment on the plane when it all hit meTaking my daughter to meet her grandpa for the first timeThe question I couldn't answer: "Where's your mom?"Why I didn't go to my mom's funeral and what that means nowHow being there unlocked memories I thought were goneSeeing my sister, aunt, and uncle after all these yearsThe difference between running from grief and growing through itWhat the surfer's mindset taught me about grief and joyWhy I'm not afraid anymoreGoing back to Rochester didn't crush me like I thought it would. It reminded me that grief and life can exist in the same place. That I'm not that scared kid anymore. And that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to run anymore. Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writing Website: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: hello@robertdelfave.com The Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

    Ten Years of Running

  6. Jan 26

    The Dark House Within: Rebuilding Your Identity After It Fractures

    This week, I'm talking with Liam J. Wakefield, a psychotherapist, counseling lecturer, and former British Army soldier who's built his entire practice around a question most of us avoid: what happens when the person you were completely falls apart? Liam lost his mother to abandonment as a child, went to war at 21, and was medically retired from the military after a chronic illness dismantled the identity he'd spent years building. He's faced grief not just from death, but from the loss of self: the fracturing that happens when the architecture of who you are can no longer hold. What makes Liam's work different is that he doesn't see healing as putting yourself back together. He sees it as learning to hold the tension between all the fractured parts: the grieving child, the masked adult, the angry protector, the exhausted survivor. He calls it "the self as continually becoming," and it's completely changed how I think about rebuilding after loss. We talk about the masks we wear to survive, the parts of ourselves we abandon to keep going, and why grief isn't something you get over. It's something you learn to carry differently. Liam also walks me through his "dark house within" practice, a tool he uses to help people visualize and navigate the psychological architecture they've built around their wounds. This conversation is deep, honest, and deeply human. If you've ever felt like you've lost yourself in grief or in just trying to survive, this one will hit. We get into:  the abandoned parts of ourselves we leave behind to survivewhat it means to fracture and why it's not the same as breakingthe masks we wear and which "hands" are holding them uphis journey from rock and roll to the military to psychotherapywhy he believes suffering is an initiation into growththe "dark house within" exercise and how it maps your psychehow children experience grief when their needs aren't metwhy authenticity is impossible and why that's okaythe parliament of parts inside all of usvoice dialogue therapy and giving your inner conflicts a voicewhy time doesn't heal, it just gives perspectivehow to rebuild psychological architecture after it collapseswhat it means to become "more than you ever felt possible"Liam's story is a reminder that you're not broken just because you're in pieces. Sometimes the fractures are where the growth happens. 🌐 Learn more about Liam's work: https://liamjwakefield.com 📸 Follow Liam on Instagram: @liamjwakefield 📰 Read Liam's articles in Hinton Magazine Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writing Website: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: hello@robertdelfave.com The Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

    The Dark House Within: Rebuilding Your Identity After It Fractures

  7. Jan 8

    When We Start Laughing, We Start Healing

    This week, I'm sitting down with Erica Richmond, a writer, grief guide, and founder of Open Sky Stories. Erica lost her ex-husband to suicide when their kids were just seven and ten. Eleven years later, she lost her dad. She's been living in grief for over a decade and has learned that the only way through it is to let it be as messy as it needs to be. What stands out about Erica is how she's held space for her kids to grieve in their own ways. They made a Lego figurine of their dad and called him Lego Dad. Her youngest drew pictures with his dad in a coffin or as a floating head in the sky. And when her ten year old asked if cremation was done with a laser beam or a flamethrower, she just went with it. Because sometimes that's all you can do. We talk about the exhaustion and blur that comes with grief, how she grew to resent being called resilient, and why dark humor became her family's way of surviving. Erica also shares how writing and creating art helped her process what words alone couldn't touch, and how that eventually became Open Sky Stories, a space for others to do the same. This conversation is honest, funny, and full of the kind of realness that only comes from someone who's been in the thick of it. If you've ever felt like you weren't grieving the right way, this one's for you. We get into: what surprised her most about losing her dad at 49how her kids expressed grief through play and artthe question her son asked about cremation that caught her off guardwhy she grew to resent being called resilientthe blur that comes with grief and what it actually feels likehow dark humor became a lifeline for her familythe grief group that helped more than she expectedwhy writing and art give her something talking can'twhat she built with Open Sky Storieswhat healing means when you're never really over itErica's story is a reminder that grief doesn't have to look a certain way. Sometimes it looks like Lego Dad. Sometimes it looks like laughing at a meet and greet for dead grandpa. And that's okay. 🌐 Learn more about Erica's work: https://openskystories.com 📸 Follow Erica on Instagram: @openskystories Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writing Website: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: hello@robertdelfave.com The Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

    When We Start Laughing, We Start Healing

  8. 12/18/2025

    I'm Sick of Grief Taking So Much Away From Me

    This week, I'm sitting down with Sylvia Wolfer, a grief-informed practitioner who has experienced loss on a level that's hard to wrap your head around. She lost her father at seven. Her younger brother at 17. Her older brother at 40. And then her mother a few years later. From a family of six, only Sylvia and one brother remain. What makes this conversation different is how Sylvia has turned all of that loss into something she can actually use. Not just for herself, but for others. After years of being ambushed by grief triggers, she got angry. Not at the loss itself, but at how much grief had taken from her. She felt like she had missed out on time with her older brother because she was still so buried in grief from her younger brother's death. When he died too, something shifted. She decided she was done letting grief run the show. We talk about the neuroscience of grief, what's actually happening in the brain when we lose someone, and why understanding that can be strangely comforting. Sylvia explains the three-dimensional map the brain uses for relationships and why we still reach for the phone to call someone who's gone. She also shares practical tools for managing grief triggers, tending to the body when the heart and mind are overwhelmed, and why she schedules time to grieve on her own terms. This one gets into the science, but it never loses the human side. Sylvia is warm, honest, and somehow still full of love for life after everything she's been through. If you've ever felt like grief has taken too much from you, this conversation might help you start taking some of it back. We get into: what it was like losing her father suddenly at seven years oldthe gift her dad's death gave her, seeing the good in peoplewhy sudden loss is especially hard on the brainthe three-dimensional map and why we still want to call people who are gonehow she realized her nervous system was completely dysregulatedthe window of tolerance and how grief shrinks itwhy she schedules time to grieve instead of letting it ambush hertending to the body when the head and heart are too overwhelmedhow she continues relationships with people who are no longer hereher digital courses, guided meditations, and writing on griefSylvia's story is proof that grief doesn't have to take everything. Sometimes, it can be the thing that finally makes you fight back. 🌐 Learn more about Sylvia's work: https://sylviawolfer.com 📸 Follow Sylvia on Instagram Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writing Website: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: hello@robertdelfave.com The Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

    I'm Sick of Grief Taking So Much Away From Me
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About

What happens after you lose a parent and life keeps moving? Unparented follows grief into relationships, parenting, work, milestones, and the questions that surface years later. I’m Robert. My dad died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 26. Through personal stories, research, and guest conversations, we examine what parent loss leaves us carrying, how it changes with us, and what support can still change.

Information

  • Creator
    Robert DelFave
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    20
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Robert DelFave
  • Show Website
    Unparented