From a psychological perspective, there are specific personality types that use tactics such as humiliation and shame. This explains why people gossip maliciously behind our backs about intimate things, like the way we eat. It is mainly done to shift the power dynamic between two people. Relational aggression is a type of covert bullying, which is what I experienced. This is where people use social exclusion, malicious gossip, and secret alliances to damage a person's social status or self-esteem. Instead of confronting me directly, my ex-best friend and this guy used behind-the-scenes manipulation to bond with each other by tearing me down. This leads to covert devaluation. This happens when someone treats you well to your face but systematically degrades your worth behind your back, which is what he did to me. It is a psychological defense mechanism where the abuser minimizes my value so they can feel superior, allowing him to host me and act nice while secretly holding contempt. Then there is public humiliation and shaming. Even though I found out about it privately, the intent of their communication was to create a shared space where my private vulnerabilities were put on display for others to mock. It is a tool used to try and strip away my dignity and make me feel small so that they can feel more powerful. What personality types do this kind of stuff? People who use humiliation, shaming, and covert devaluation to tear down others usually fall into specific personality profiles: Covert Narcissists: Unlike overt narcissists who are loudly arrogant, covert narcissists hide their massive insecurity behind passive-aggressive "nice guy" or "nice girl" masks. They have a need for validation but are too cowardly for direct conflict. They use devaluation and gossip to secretly lower my status so they feel like the highest-value person in the room. They fake empathy to my face but feel entitled to betray me in secret. Machiavellian Personality Type: This describes individuals who are highly strategic, cold, and transactional in their relationships. They view people as chess pieces or assets. They will happily smile, host you, and accept gifts from me while calculating how to use or manipulate me behind closed doors to align themselves with other people. The Dark Triad: This is a combination of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, driven by low empathy and high insecurity. People with these traits completely lack emotional empathy. Tearing someone down; especially someone high-value, independent, and secure like myself, gives them a cheap psychological high. They use shaming and humiliation as a weapon to chip away at your confidence because my light and independence actively threaten their fragile egos. If you are listening to or reading this, I hope you take something from it. Maybe there is someone out there who has experienced the same thing I recently went through and can provide feedback, encouragement, or reassurance. But even if not, I am not searching for validation. I simply hope you learn from my story. Thanks. Get full access to iHeartBebe at iheartbebe.substack.com/subscribe
