Many boys begin life emotionally open, expressive, and eager for connection, but somewhere along the way, they learn that their feelings aren’t welcome or safe to show. In this episode of Gilmore and Green, licensed marriage and family therapists Dr. Debi Gilmore and Sharilyn Green explore the quiet struggles adolescent boys and young men carry inside. Backed by attachment science and deep clinical experience, Debi and Sharilyn discuss how societal pressures condition young men to replace vulnerability with anger, isolation, and avoidance. Most importantly, they share highly practical, everyday ways that parents, grandparents, teachers, and neighbors can create emotionally safe spaces to help the young men in their lives feel seen, supported, and loved. The Emotional Timeline of Boys Research discussed in this episode reveals a heartbreaking shift in how boys are conditioned to process their feelings: Infancy and Toddlerhood (0-5years) → Born Open, Deeply relational and highly expressive. However baby boys are often physically held less than baby girls. Childhood (5-10years) → They begin to restrict emotions to appear strong, and physical touch to boys becomes corrective rather than comforting, teaching them that touch is often negative. Early Adolescence and Teens (12-16years) → The most emotionally restricted period for men; avoidant patterns emerge making personal relationships difficult. They are often taught (both implicitly and directly) by parents, society, and community that vulnerability threatens their social belonging. Key Takeaways The Myth of Anger: When young men are taught that sadness, fear, and anxiety are unacceptable, anger often becomes the only socially acceptable emotion they are allowed to express. Although they may be expressing anger, they may actually be feeling other emotions that need to be addressed, including depression. The Loss of Deep Friendships: Around ages 13 to 15, boys often abandon deeply loyal, emotionally connected friendships because cultural rules dictate that emotional closeness is no longer safe or "masculine." The Reality of "Skin Hunger": As teenage boys become touch-avoidant due to societal pressures, they suffer from a lack of the biological necessity of touch, missing out on the oxytocin that creates safety and trust. This is a NEED, not a luxury. The Marriage Readiness Gap: Many young men are delaying marriage and relationships because they feel they must meet impossible societal thresholds of success before they are deemed "ready" or worthy of connection. How You Can Support the Young Men in Your Life Learn Their Names: Whether it is a neighbor, a student, or a boy in your faith community, simply using a young man's name signals that he matters and belongs. Ask Better Questions: Instead of lecturing or focusing purely on performance, open conversations over food by asking, "What are you most excited about right now?" or "What is the hardest thing in your life right now?" Normalize All Emotions: Notice and name feelings without rushing to "fix" them. When a young man experiences a failure or a hurt, offer empathy instead of saying, "Man up" or "Shake it off." Protect Their Tenderness: Step in and advocate for boys when they face public emotional shaming. Teach them that true masculinity holds space for both courage and gentle compassion. Model Emotional Openness: Children learn by observation. When fathers and male mentors openly show sadness or discuss their feelings, boys learn that emotional openness is safe. "For many boys, just one caring adult who sees them and believes in them can make a lasting difference, something they'll never forget." — Dr. Debi Gilmore Resources & Research Mentioned Dr. Niobe Way: Psychologist and researcher on the longitudinal study of boys' friendships and their longing for connection. Dr. James Carroll: Researcher on the "marriage readiness factor" and the modern threshold for young men entering partnerships. Ashley Montague: Researcher who coined the term "skin hunger," emphasizing the biological necessity of physical touch. Join the Conversation! Email us topics that you'd like discussed at info@gilmoreandgreen.com Comment below what you liked and other insights you had! Remember to share with your family and friends! Get in contact with us at gilmoreandgreen.com! Here you can find public and professional courses, resources, and posts on the topics we often discuss on our podcast.
