Hello, and welcome back to Wreaking More Joy. I’m Janette Dalgliesh, and in this season, Reclaim, we’re digging into the nuts and bolts, the practical solutions, as we continue exploring how women can rekindle the romance with our purpose, our joy, and our personal power — especially in our working lives. Today I want to tell you about the worst professional decision I ever made. Many years ago, I was invited to join a project. I was in a room with the boss of the project, a very fancy investment guru and my life partner. All men, all looking at me with that particular brand of expectant energy that says “this is obviously a yes.” And I knew in the very pit of my stomach, instantly, clearly, unmistakably, that it was not a yes. My gut said NO. And I know you know what’s coming. I said yes anyway. I didn’t pause, I didn’t ask for time to think. I sat there with a NO shrieking from my belly, and performed the yes that the room required of me because after all: who am I to say no to something everybody else definitely wants? That decision cost me three years of toxic professional relationships, chronic stress, and eventually a lawsuit (we came out the other side okay, but only just). And the whole time, I knew that I had ignored something important in that room: my own gut. And I bet good money you knew how this story was going to end. We’ve all either done it, or witnessed it, over and over again. It was people-pleasing in its most consequential and damaging form. This was the kind that overrides your instincts so thoroughly, and so fast, that when you look back, it can feel like you said yes before you’ve even registered the no option. People-pleasing is not a minor inconvenience. It is not an endearing quirk. It can lead to real, long-term harm to your health, your relationships, your work, and your sense of who you are. And you know what else I’m going to say: people-pleasing is not a character flaw. It is not a personality type. It is not something you were born with - yes, even those of us born under a Libra Sun, the ones who are constantly told in every astrology magazine column that we are indecisive people pleasers. I have a whole ‘nother article on that, so if you’re Libran and you keep hearing that, you’ll want to go read it. People pleasing is learned. Of course it is. And it doesn’t usually start with the big, consequential stuff. It starts with the everyday, mild, socially-lubricating stuff, the “I’ll let you choose the restaurant” kind. That stuff seems relatively harmless (unless they know you’re wildly allergic and they insist on a lobster dinner) but it’s all part of the overarching framework, taken from the People-Pleasing groomers’ basic handbook. Because people-pleasing is not an innate trait; it is grooming us to fit into a system where we exist largely for the convenience and entertainment of others (usually men). Research shows clearly that in many ways, including in early childhood education, little boys are trained to notice their own needs and take action to have them filled, while little girls are taught to notice the needs of those around them, and to help them meet those needs. It’s not always conscious on the part of the adults doing the teaching, but it’s real and measurable and observable. We are praised for being thoughtful, considerate, accommodating, easy to get along with. Boy are praised for being strong, tough, independent, bold, determined. None of this is coming as a surprise, right? But I’m using language which might seem provocative or extreme. But I don’t think it’s extreme to say that we are groomed: groomed to read the room without even realising we’re doing it, to sense when someone is uncomfortable and smooth it over, to anticipate what’s expected and deliver it, without being asked. And the grooming gets reinforced at home, at school, in the workplace, in every system we move through. You’ll see it in every TV sitcom, in every Hollywood movie. You’ll read it in many bestselling novels where romance is at the core. I don’t even really have to explain this to you. You’ve probably even been the little girl who spoke her mind and got called bossy or difficult or cold, or selfish, or just plain “too much”. I know I was, until I learned my lesson and learned to shut up. The rewards of approval, warmth and belonging go to the ones who adapt. And our brilliant human brains, those incredible safety-seeking organs, take note. “Being agreeable is how I stay safe and connected. Accommodating others is how I belong. My needs can wait.” And the brain weasels, those bitey little critters lurking in our heads, carrying all the voices of all the systems of oppression; they become expert at the art of the pre-emptive yes. Before anyone even applies pressure, they’re already scanning the room for what’s expected, and moving your mouth accordingly. That’s what happened to me in that room. My brain weasels had had decades of practice. They didn’t even need to consult me before blurting out a yes, and then holding me down until it was ‘too late to back out’. The system LOVES it when my brain weasels trick me into complying. After all, a woman who is perpetually monitoring the needs of others and suppressing her own is incredibly easy to exploit. She doesn’t ask for the pay rise, she doesn’t push back on the unreasonable request, she takes on more and more in an effort to keep the peace. And if she wants things to change, she is told she ought to ‘lean in’, to become more aggressive, to become more predatory: to become those things that little boys are groomed for, even when her heart knows that’s not the answer either. The system doesn’t need to do much reinforcing any more, because her own brain weasels are doing the work for free. At this stage it would be easy to see ourselves as victims, but we are survivors and there is good news. You didn’t create these brain weasel shenanigans, the unconscious grooming installed in your skull. But they’re not innate, not inborn. They didn’t arrive with you on the planet - they were acquired in the process of growing up; they were learned. And they can be unlearned. Here’s the good news. Because it was learned, it can be unlearned; it can be brought to conscious awareness and reshaped so you are making choices from a place of autonomy and sovereignty, in your relationship to your working life and beyond. You don’t have to amputate your capacity for attunement. Your ability to read a room, your sensitivity to others, your emotional and relational intelligence are all genuinely extraordinary qualities. They are part of your genius and we’re not here to cut those out. We just need to rebalance the original training and establish the habit of noticing your own signals first, and giving them priority that is at the very least equal to the priority we give the needs of those around us. Those people might be our customers, our colleagues, our clients, our loved ones. We need to re-establish that gift we had in infanthood, the gift of knowing what we want and giving voice to it without fear. That gut NO I felt back in that room was not a failure of instinct. My instinct was working perfectly. What was missing was the habit of giving myself space, time and permission, to let that instinct count for something before I opened my mouth. Making that shift isn’t an overnight thing, but it starts with something really simple that I’m calling the Body Vote. It works like this. I would love for you to try it out. The next time someone asks something of you, whether it’s a request, an invitation, a project, a favour; before you respond, take one single, gentle breath. Just one. And in that breath, drop your attention briefly into your body. Your gut, your chest, your throat. You don’t have to do anything here except simply notice: is there a YES here? Does something in me soften, or lean forward? Or is there a NO? A tightening, a sinking, a subtle bracing? You don’t have to act on it immediately. I’m a great believer in the absence of rush in order to have things move faster (yes, I know it sounds weird but it works - think about the last time your car was stuck in mud and you knew to accelerate very gently to get traction so you could get out). Depending on your relationship with the patterns of people-pleasing, you can start with this most gentle part: simply practising noticing. Get acquainted with the signal that’s been there all along, that you may have been trained to skip right past. Let it get louder every time you notice it. Bask in the realisation that actually, your signals have always been there, and now you’re taking action to boost them. When it feels right (maybe the next day, maybe in a week’s time, maybe that first moment), when you’ve started to build that awareness, add in one powerful phrase “I’ll need to check on that and I’ll get back to you in 24 hours.” Not “I’m not sure”, not an apology, not an excuse, not even “I need to think about it”. I need to check on that and I’ll get back to you in 24 hours. Unless you’re working in the ER, or you do instant-turnaround services of some kind, a 24 hour window is a reasonable timeframe. 24 hours is specific enough that it gives you plenty of time, and it also tells them there is a clear expectation of what’s reasonable. You don’t have to explain who you’ll be checking with, or what you’ll be checking. Could be your calendar, your financial advisor, your toddler. It’s really your own Self you’re checking with, but the person making the ask doesn’t need to know that. You do not owe an explanation. Just “I’ll need to check on that and get back to you”. Calm, clear, reasonable. That phrase gives you time for your body’s vote to get solid before the people-pleasing brain weasels try to cast the deciding ballot. This is not about alwa
