You have said it. Out loud, or quietly, under a photo of the two of them looking at each other like the rest of the room disappeared. "I want the Barack to my Michelle." I know what you mean when you say it. Are you clear about what you mean? Because if you are picturing a resume, a title, a tax bracket, or a man who checks the boxes you have been collecting since your first heartbreak, you are picturing the packaging. And you will keep swiping past the real thing looking for it. This week I take the costume off the fantasy. Underneath it are four things, four plain words, and once you hear them you cannot unhear them. They are not preferences. They are not "high" standards. They are documented human needs, and I brought the research to prove it. We get into why "the good ones are all taken" is a lie built on top of a real statistic. Why most of us were never taught how to tell whether a man can actually give us what we want. And what Michelle Robinson did in a Chicago law office in 1989 that changed everything. He is not a unicorn. You are not too late. Featuring "By Your Side" by Sade in Gurl, What Chu Goin' Through. Research cited Being seen (empirical): the Michelangelo phenomenon. Drigotas, S. M., Rusbult, C. E., Wieselquist, J., & Whitton, S. W. (1999). Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. And Rusbult, C. E., Finkel, E. J., & Kumashiro, M. (2009). The Michelangelo phenomenon. Current Directions in Psychological Science. Being heard (empirical): high-quality listening. Weinstein, N., & Itzchakov, G., and colleagues. Includes Itzchakov, Weinstein, Saluk, & Amar (2023), on feeling listened to reducing loneliness after a rejection disclosure (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin). Being understood, not agreed with (empirical): perceived partner responsiveness, Reis, H. T., & Clark, M. S. (understanding, validation, caring), plus research on high-quality listening sustaining connection during disagreement (Itzchakov and colleagues). Being accepted / appreciated (empirical): Algoe, S. B., find, remind, and bind theory of gratitude and appreciation in relationships (2012), and Algoe, Gable, & Maisel (2010), on everyday gratitude in romantic relationships. bell hooks, All About Love (2000), on love as including recognition, care, and respect. Michelle and Barack meeting: verified via the Obama Foundation, the Obama White House archive, and reporting on Michelle Obama's memoir Becoming (2018). No memoir text reproduced. LinksApply for The Grown & Liberated Love Club: candiceharperlovecoach.com/grown-liberated-love Hack the Dating Apps (27 dollars): candiceharperlovecoach.com/hack-the-dating-apps2 Hashtags #thebaracktoyourmichelle #seenheardunderstoodaccepted #divineequalmatch #grownandliberatedlove #sacredauntie #quantitydownqualityup #readytoreceive #blacklove #blackwomeninlove #strongblackwoman #datingcoach #relationshipcoach #lovecoach #podcast Theme music arranged by: Wes Kilgore
