The RISE to Intimacy Podcast | Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy & Relationships

Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Sexuality
  • Updated Weekly

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

  1. 5d ago

    Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

    You can be talking to your partner about the same relationship and interpret the conversation completely differently. I learned that recently when I told my partner, Dallas, I was feeling disconnected and found out he heard that very differently than I intended it. Neither of us knew there was a misunderstanding until we actually talked about what that word meant to each of us. While I spend my days talking about sex and relationships as a couples therapist, Dallas didn’t grow up talking about feelings and certainly didn’t learn to do it during his time in the Marine Corps. We have very different levels of comfort with some of these conversations, so we’ve had to keep talking through what we each mean and what we need from each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to answer relationship questions about sex and connection from Reddit. We start with aftercare and what partners may need from each other after sex, then get into emotional connection and why deeper conversations can feel so uncomfortable. We also share how these conversations have shown up in our own relationship and what we’ve learned from having them together. 1:13 - Answering Reddit relationship questions with Valerie’s partner, Dallas 3:06 - What aftercare can look like and how to ask your partner what they want after sex 6:06 - How Valerie and Dallas realized they meant very different things by “feeling disconnected” 10:02 - What someone may mean when they need emotional connection before sex 13:26 - Can you get an avoidant partner to have deeper, more honest conversations? 15:45 - How Dallas became more comfortable talking about feelings and vulnerability 18:41 - Why difficult conversations trigger defensiveness and how responding gently can build trust 19:51 - What happened when Dallas shared something deeply vulnerable with Valerie 22:19 - How deeper communication changed the way Dallas experiences their relationship Mentioned In Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection How Erectile Dysfunction Is a Nervous System Response Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

  2. Sep 29

    Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

    You found porn on your partner’s phone, and now you’re wondering if watching porn is cheating or if you’re overreacting. Or maybe you’re the one whose partner found it, and you genuinely don’t understand why something you never considered cheating suddenly feels like betrayal to them. Either way, you can end up arguing about a question neither of you ever actually said out loud. That’s why couples can so easily talk past each other when it comes to porn. One person is focused on the fact that no touching happened and no one else was in the room. The other is focused on sexual arousal happening outside the relationship and the fact that it was kept from them. When you’ve never talked about what porn means in your relationship, that silence can create a gap between what each of you thought you had agreed to. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down three common myths about porn in relationships, including whether it counts as cheating, whether it harms relationships, and whether regular use means addiction. I also explain what the research actually tells us about when porn creates problems and how to have the conversation that may have needed to happen much earlier. 3:19 - Myth #1: watching porn is either always cheating or never cheating 4:33 - The unspoken assumption almost every couple carries about porn 5:26 - Myth #2: watching porn is bad for relationships across the board 6:40 - The pattern that predicts whether porn will harm your relationship 7:26 - Myth #3: watching porn means you have or are developing an addiction 8:55 - The biggest predictor of whether someone believes they're "addicted" to porn 10:23 - Three things that tie all these myths together (and actually do the relationship damage that porn gets blamed for) 11:54 - Four tips on how you can have a real conversation about porn in your relationship with your partner Mentioned In Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

  3. Sep 22

    Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

    You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument. Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other. 2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem 5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner 7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin 9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder 11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection 13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship 15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship 16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy Mentioned In Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

  4. Sep 15

    Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

    You can still love your partner, function well together, and somehow end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you do everything together and have trouble functioning as two separate people. Or maybe you’ve become so independent that you divide the responsibilities, stay out of each other’s way, and rarely talk about what’s actually happening beneath the surface. These relationships can look completely different from the outside, but both can lose the balance between closeness and individuality. One can become so focused on togetherness that the people inside the relationship start losing touch with themselves. The other can become so emotionally separate that both partners know each other’s schedules, but not necessarily each other’s inner worlds. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how differentiation can help us understand why couples start feeling more like roommates than partners. I walk through fusion and emotional cutoff, the signs these patterns may be showing up in your relationship, and how maintaining both individuality and emotional connection can create more room for curiosity, vulnerability, and intimacy. 2:37 - How differentiation helps explain why some couples start feeling more like roommates than partners 4:56 - What fusion looks like when keeping the peace starts costing you a clear sense of self 6:29 - How losing individuality can drain energy, curiosity, and passion from a relationship 8:06 - What emotional cutoff looks like when independence becomes distance 10:45 - Five signs that differentiation may be part of your roommate dynamic 12:52 - Why simply spending more time together or more time apart may not solve the problem 13:19 - How to express your own preferences without creating more disconnection 13:56 - What to do when your partner’s emotions start taking over your own experience 14:54 - Rebuilding individuality without using independence as an escape from the relationship 15:26 - How to let your partner know you again and create more shared growth 16:33 - Why long-term partners need to keep discovering who each other is becoming 17:23 - What balance between closeness and individuality can make possible for intimacy Mentioned In Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

  5. Sep 8

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

    Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again. This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past. 2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma 5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place 6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong 10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner 14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response 15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma 18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship Mentioned In When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

  6. Sep 1

    The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

    You’re trying to be clear about what you need in your relationship, so you draw a line and tell yourself you’re setting a boundary. But when your partner responds with defensiveness instead of change, it may be worth asking whether what you communicated was actually a boundary or an ultimatum. A boundary stays focused on your own limits and what you’re willing to do. An ultimatum shifts the focus toward controlling your partner’s behavior or forcing a specific outcome. The concern underneath both can be completely reasonable, but the way you communicate it can determine whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum and show you how the same need can be communicated in very different ways. I also explain how anxious attachment and protest behaviors can push us toward ultimatums, share six questions to help you check yourself before a hard conversation, and talk about when a firm, non-negotiable boundary is actually appropriate. 1:56 – What separates a genuine ask, a healthy boundary, and a full-blown ultimatum 3:31 – An example of a boundary vs. an ultimatum around a partner's work stress 4:39 – How anxious attachment and protest behaviors escalate into ultimatums 5:33 – Six questions that reveal whether you're setting a boundary or issuing an ultimatum 8:46 – Situations where holding a non-negotiable boundary is completely appropriate 11:25 – What to do if you catch yourself about to issue an unnecessary ultimatum  12:14 – What to say if you're the one on the receiving end of an ultimatum Mentioned In The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Your Sex Life Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships

  7. Aug 25

    How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

    If you’re checking how long it's been since you last had sex or bringing up an ex just to see how your partner reacts, you've probably told yourself it's harmless. But what if the behaviors you’re using to feel safer in your relationship are actually creating more distance between you and your partner? Anxious attachment doesn’t always look like obvious clinginess or pursuit. Sometimes it shows up through testing, monitoring, or keeping score, especially when your nervous system is looking for proof that you’re still wanted and the relationship is okay. These protest behaviors are attempts to restore closeness, but over time they can start eroding the connection you’re trying to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why these protest behaviors develop, what they can look like in your sex life, and why they so often create more distance instead of reassurance. I also share three ways to start changing these patterns, so you can ask more directly for what you need instead of waiting to see if your partner passes the test. 1:49 – Why protest behaviors show up, the forms they take, and the neurological paradox they create 4:10 – Tip #1: Notice what’s happening in your body moments before the protest behavior takes over 6:05 – Tip #2: Ask directly for what you want instead of putting your partner through a test to find out  7:27 – Tip #3: Get curious about the real question your jealousy is hiding behind 10:10 – How to respond if you’re on the receiving end of a partner's protest patterns Mentioned In How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life

  8. Aug 18

    Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate

    Couples can spend months or even years working on communication, conflict, and trust without ever talking about what is happening in their sex life. Once sexual concerns come up, their couples therapist may refer them to a sex therapist, almost as if sex is a separate problem that needs to be handed off to someone else. Part of the reason is that many couples therapists were never formally trained to talk about sex. That can leave couples doing important work on their emotional connection while their physical connection remains completely outside the conversation, even though the two are often affecting each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why sex therapy and couples therapy are often treated as two separate specialties and why I do not think that reflects how relationships actually work. I also clear up some common myths about what each type of therapy looks like in a session and why couples should not have to choose between addressing their emotional connection and their sex life. 1:59 – How traditional couples therapy differs from sex therapy 3:07 – The training gap most couples therapists face, and the road to sex therapy qualification that I had to travel 4:54 – Why these therapies shouldn’t be considered completely separate from each other 7:42 – Debunking four common myths about sex therapy and couples therapy 9:14 – The one thing you should take away from this episode Mentioned In Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate
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About

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

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