The Values Sort

A series of indeterminate length exploring the core things that drive us.

Growing up, the path was clear: "Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay." But what happens when the path you were given becomes a betrayal of your very self? Hosted by Nick Walton—husband, dad, and coffee roaster—The Values Sort explores what happens when you have to rebuild your life’s foundation from scratch. After leaving the structure of his childhood church and feeling "lost," Nick found a simple tool: a deck of cards, each printed with a single human value like "Helpfulness" or "Honesty." By sorting them down to five core essentials, he found a new way to navigate the world. In this series, Nick explores the cards that changed his way of thinking, sharing the essays and stories that define them. Whether you are 10 years old or 80, this is an invitation to figure out who you are, five cards at a time. nickfromoregon.substack.com

  1. 3d ago

    #51 Cleanliness

    What the heck with this deck. I just finished the last essay… ummm.. The way I finished it. And now it’s cleanliness. Neat and tidy. The deck wills it, let’s do this. Cleanliness is another card that doesn’t make it to people’s top five often. I think it’s because in a deck with Mature Love, and Family Security, cleanliness feels a little out of place. Neat and Tidy. Is that a core and central human value? Now, fifty-one cards deep, seems like as good a time as any to mention Shalom Schwartz. Dr. Schwartz is a social psychologist and along with what I’m sure is a massive team of researchers and assistants and friends he’s the man behind the Theory of Basic Human Values, from which my Values Deck is derived. This research is no slouch-effort. Dr. Schwartz has been working on the job continuously since the late 1960’s. Now retired, the man just won’t quit. Research has taken place across many countries and cultures over the course of decades, It’s really a pretty impressive body of work. So what the heck is cleanliness doing in there? Well, these values are universal. They’re cross-cultural in their very nature and they reflect people’s responses and research over those cultural lines. Cleanliness is in the deck. So be it. When I think of cleanliness I think of a few things. First, Harold. You will recall the brown shed between the barn and the house. Out my back door there is a path to follow; you pass the firepit, you cross a little bridge over what I would very much like to think of as a stream or a brook or perhaps even a creek, but is, in fact, a ditch. Nevertheless it is a quaint bridge. You pass the apple tree I cut down and also the one I didn’t, and you find yourself in front of Harold. There you encounter my deep shame. The mess within. The problem with Harold is that it’s an island–disconnected from the rest of the farm. My home, (I do not wish to brag), has both electricity and running water. Similarly, my barn is fully electrified and lit! I even have a faucet back there! Harold, in contrast, boasts neither of these things. It’s cold and damp. In the wintertime water drips through some leaky spots in the roof. Really, Harold needs to be thoroughly addressed from top to bottom. Its posts are solid, its rafters true. But the roof could be replaced, and a simple summertime ditching project would bring the power of light. That would still not address the bitter chill of the wet Oregon Autumn and Winter, the cold air laden with moisture working its way to your bones. I don’t want to be in Harold. I don’t want to spend time there. As it is, it is a mess. But by God it’s mine. Where we lived before I had a beautiful and proper shop. It wasn’t the biggest shop you’ve ever seen but it was warm and dry and clean and cleanable. It had a concrete floor; Harold’s is gravel. My old shop had electricity everywhere. I could, and did plug in my woodworking tools anywhere it was convenient and off I’d go. Here, where we’ve lived for a little more than two years, I have yet to regain my woodworking stride. There’s just nowhere to work! My barn is fairly full of barny things like chickens and their necessary accoutremon. My tractor is stored there. I have a welder in the corner and a space for hay storage for the cows. There’s a tack room, (this used to be a barn for horses), but we keep feed and dry storage in there, and anyway, it’s not very big. Not big enough to store tools, let alone woodwork. I must make due with Harold, at least as storage. And it’s a mess. And it is a steady drip of stress and pressure in my life. All winter long I move things around and try to keep them from getting wet. I would like to hope I might take up any number of projects I’ve been carrying around for these adult years of mine. But not if they’re moistened. Then they’re no good for anything but to be cast away and forgotten. So I keep moving things and I keep fighting Harold. I blame Harold and its lack of services. But it’s really my value for cleanliness that is the source of my stress. After all, I’m exaggerating its interior wetness. It’s not really that bad. A lot of the moisture is condensation rather than open drips. And after a couple of winters I know what goes where for safety. I love a place for everything and everything in its place! I’m just not very good at making that a reality in my life. I also think of a broader kind of cleanliness as it pertains to our natural environment. We are so prone to extraction, so prone to taking and using-up that we hardly notice when other people’s trash and refuse and waste becomes our problem. I reflect on my desire for a clean, pure expression of land management and stewardship. I have a few acres here. It is a little pocket in the middle of a million acres of ryegrass and hazelnuts and enough vines to romantically refer to our part of the countryside as wine country. These are monoculture crops and to a large degree monoculture crops require intensive chemical inputs in order to maintain. And I am the owner of, (I mentioned) a stretch of ditch. I wish it was a river, a proper waterway. But it is a ditch. There are no fish. There is the occasional duck, seeking refuge from the nearby hunters hidden in blinds this time of year. I have plans for my land! To improve it, to beautify it. To improve the soil quality like my brother’s doing on his piece of the Earth. I’m so proud of him. I’m so impressed. So inspired. Beyond Harold is the barn, and beyond that are three pastures, about 90 feet wide each and about 500 feet long each, totaling about an acre each. Here’s my plan: I’d like to rip the fences out between the pastures, making it a larger open pasture area of about three acres. I’d like to ring the whole thing with a five-foot-wide hedgerow constructed of species endemic to my area. I’ll plant taller trees and cut them partially down, laying them into the hedgerow and allowing new growth to take off upward from the fallen trunks. I’ll plan Red Osier Dogwoods, (Cornus sericea) and Oregon Grape, (Berberis aquifolium), and Pacific Snowberry, (Symphoricarpos albus), and other species that will grow in tightly together. This hedgerow will be a wind and visual break in the landscape and will stop invasive seeds from blowing into the main pasture. Then, I’d like to carve some shallow swales that follow the gentle topography of the land, allowing for more water to be retained and used by some gentle copses of native trees planted on the high side. I’ll plant a mixture of forage species on the land, oats, crimson clover, vetch and initially, tillage radishes which are huge rooted brassicas that are meant to grow long, heavy taproots deep into the clay soil and then rot, aerating the soil and providing organic matter as the roots decay. I’ll rotationally graze as many as three species on the land. Cows for a few days, then a few days of rest followed by sheep for a few days, then a few days of rest before chickens for a few days, then a good, long rest before cows again. By grazing multiple species I will exponentially increase my soil’s microbiome and the health and fertility of the soil. It will take more hooves for a longer season. I learned this from my brother. Neat. Tidy. Somehow this speaks to cleanliness to me. But as I said, our land is an island in a sea of monoculture. My ditch will continue to run with petrochemical runoff no matter what I do. All I can do is take responsibility for my little bit of earth. I can steward what I have. And not swim in the ditch. I can avoid swimming in the ditch. Finally I think about my own inner cleanliness. This is where inner harmony and self discipline meet up and marinate together and sometimes create friction with my sense of self worth. It is my own sense of inner cleanliness that calls me back to Harold. “Fix the roof” it calls to me. “Perhaps a door that closes properly”, it whispers in my ear as I pass by. Inner cleanliness is another central theme of this whole project–a central theme of my adult life. I am reminded again of the man who married my wife and me, and his childhood farm, and the spring of clean water that fed the whole farm, its animals and people, its gardens and crops. The spring required maintenance and part of that was a thorough yearly cleaning. We must clean our springs, we must maintain our water sources for ourselves and for those we wish to care for. In the end I do have a value for a sense of cleanliness. I want to live clean. I want to be clean of heart and intention. I want to wake up to a clean kitchen–my wife loves it and so do I. And I want to contribute to a greater cleanliness for my children and yours. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    11 min
  2. Jun 1

    #49 Self-discpline

    In some ways this entire project has been about my own self discipline. It has come up time and time again–it’s at least a central focus of the project. I have had to exercise tremendous self discipline in my life. Ever since I was young. Don’t get me wrong–I often fail in my disciplines! Emphasis on the word exercise. I have regularly been called upon, in many forums, to be less. “Half as hard, half as fast” my mother would repeat to me in my youth. And who could blame her? I consistently did things twice as hard and twice as fast as the people around me, and not always with favorable results either for me or for my loved ones. “Your greatest asset is your greatest assache” is something that’s been a constant refrain in my life. Two sides to the coin. It’s a never ending battle to stem the tide of internal negative self-communication. The things I say to myself sometimes.. You’d be shocked. You might even feel defensive of me. How dare myself? Feeling twice as hard, twice as rough, twice as much of a liability to myself and others is a great weight to bear, though, and it can be difficult to flip that script; I have great capacities for kindness and love and care. And I don’t give myself credit for them because… I must restrain myself! I’ve already alluded to the idea that I’m sometimes too much, even in a positive way, in my relationships with people. Too much text! Too many cookies! Too much praise offered without enough perceived merit. I again reflect on what this card means to and for me versus another person. Surely there are as many interpretations of this card as there are respondents sorting through the deck. I cannot be the only one to struggle in life with self restraint. With self discipline. The card also says resistance to temptation. I will eat the whole box of shortbreads. I will stay up past my bedtime and write essays knowing I’ll be tired and grumpy in the morning. I will let the thing that need not be said escape my lips. Words are something I’m tempted by always. It comes from a desire, I think, to be heard and seen. And it comes across, (often) as a desire to dominate or relegate another person into wordlessness. I call names. I level judgments. I put my mouth out for the world to hear and not everyone likes it. I don’t always like it. And vices! I’ve known a few and we’ve discussed some of them here in this series. But it’s been far from an exhaustive list! There is barely a vice on this good Earth that I would not, have not dipped a toe into. And the remedy is very nearly always some practice or method of other-centric thinking. Observing how my behaviors, thoughts and actions affect the people around me. Thinking beyond myself. Maybe that’s my motivation for self-discipline. Is that okay? Is it okay for my motivations to come from a place of community rather than from a pure, deep well of personal integrity; an integrity that cannot be bought or sold? God, I hope so. I would like my motivations to be pure. I would like them to be from me and for me, and benefiting others only inasmuch as they’ve already benefited me. But I confess, I am sometimes motivated to self-discipline by a quiet observance of my behavior’s effect on the ones closest to me. Sometimes I struggle with knowing the right thing to do. Life is not always black and white! Life does not always present its challenges with clarity of reason and cause and effect and consequence. Sometimes we must suss these things out for ourselves and that can be a challenge. And how do I discipline myself toward greater love and communal affection when I don’t know what’s right and good? And what about the times when a lesser of two evils presents itself as the only option? When there is no good outcome for everyone? When someone, by my hand, by my words or decisions, by my vote, will be harmed? How then do we discipline ourselves? It can only be our best. The core discipline must be our intentions I guess. But that leaves room for play in the steering. “I was doing the right thing for my family”. “I was just following orders”. It’s a paradox to wrestle with. I would like to make this concept land with a big story about self discipline in my life. I think we want a movie montage here. We both want to see me getting up early and running hard up a flight of stairs with a rucksack on. We want to see me drinking raw eggs and pumping iron and getting into fighting shape and waking up tomorrow and doing it again. Right? We both want that? I have accomplished things! I did quit smoking. Twice, actually. I have cut back on and even eliminated bad habits that don’t bring life. But those are largely events, and self-discipline is about smaller choices that take place over a longer time. I am here to tell you, as a man who has roasted coffee for a living since 2009: The soundtrack never plays. There is no soundtrack for 4:30 AM on a Tuesday in November. The bed is warm. The floor is cold. The business I run is a giant beast filled with moving pieces that do not care if I am tired. It does not care if I am inspired. It only cares about heat and airflow and time. It cares about espresso and customer service and repetitive motions. If I don’t get up, the coffee doesn’t get roasted. If the coffee doesn’t get roasted, the customers don’t get their drinks. If the customers don’t get their drinks, my family doesn’t eat. So I get up. I put my feet on the cold floor. That is the entire story. And I think that’s all of our stories regarding self discipline. There are moments in our lives, probably, where we are either literally or figuratively getting up at 4:30 and body-slamming life’s challenges to the ground. But more often, more consistently, it’s about consistency, and it’s about recognizing our place in the great web of life. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    7 min
  3. May 25

    #48 Respect for parents & elders

    Another tricky one for me. Let me say at the outset that I love my parents and elders. I crave their approval. Less so now, in my forties, but the craving is still fresh in my memory. Let’s start with another heavily paraphrased bible story! Near the beginning of time there came a great flood that killed every man, woman and child, every beast of the land and every bird of the sky and presumably every saltwater creature of the seas, all except a man and his family and two of every animal in creation residing on a dubiously sized boat. After weeks afloat, landfall was made and the hard work of being fruitful and multiplying began. Noah apparently had brought vines aboard the craft, for after a while he became a farmer and planted a vineyard and promptly became a drunk. Classic. His son, Ham, in all probability pissed off at being named Ham, found his father passed out drunk and naked lying in his tent. He ran to his brothers, Shem and Japheth, and made light of his father’s circumstances. Shem and Japheth did the honorable thing, going into the tent backwards so as not to even SEE their father’s nakedness and covered him with a blankie to sleep it off. I have a friend who is younger than me by about fifteen years or so. I think he respects me, I was kind to him as a little guy and now he’s kind to me today. We were sitting around another fire, (I love a good fire), some years ago. And I made the analogy of walking around a big stadium outer-ring. You know, where the bathrooms and concessions are? You can walk and walk and finally you’re back where you started. I said it was as though I was walking just barely ahead of him around the ring-road. I could see the future—it’s true. I could see further ahead than he could and I had a little more time under my belt. But really, just barely. In the scheme of our lives the differences in my wisdom in comparison with his were really pretty incomprehensible and even then should only be brought to bear for our edification. And besides, he can see further back than I can! I know a little better about what lies ahead. And he knows a little better what is happening now, today. I have examples of this going every which direction in my own life. I certainly have examples of elders demanding their due respect. I also have my friend. My mentor. My coffee guy. Yes, it’s the guy I took $250 off of. He appears again. He is really the first one I can recall showing me the respect of an equal. The theft incident was a great example of this. I had to make it right. I had to make amends. And in truth, he’s had a bit of fun at my expense on the issue over the years. But I can never remember him lording it over me. I never remember him typecasting me. The opposite, actually. I was naked like Noah, black-out drunk on dumb choices. And instead of grinding me into a powdered form, he honored me, he chose to cover my nakedness and filled in my weak spots. He treated me with respect and dignity and very soon we were back on that ring road, he was just ahead of me. Still looking out for me. Respect for parents and elders cannot, in my understanding, come at the expense of respect for the young. And sometimes, oftentimes, it does just that. It didn’t feel great when I was young, and now that I’m aging up a little bit it’s my honor to love and respect those coming up on my heels the best way I know how. When people respect and honor one another intergenerationally it is almost cosmically lovely. It is a kind of beauty to behold. And I have beheld it. When respect is demanded from one direction, any direction, it is ugly and unproductive to say the least. What profit is there in demanding a high place of esteem? What good is the respect of the youth if it is coerced on traditional or religious grounds? By contrast, what good does it do to discount the lives, the work, the sacrifices of those who are a little stretch ahead of us in this great ring-road of life? Now is the time of my life to put my money where my mouth is. Now is the time for these concepts to be made real in my life and in my experience. I am the elder. I have elders. I am an elder. I am middle-aged. I have an eighteen year old child. They are–you will be shocked to hear it–not making all of the same choices I might make for their lives. I will turn out, in the sweet by & by, to have been correct about a great number of my ideas and thoughts. They will come around to some of them and we will look back together and sigh. And I will always have been pure in my intentions toward them. That’s my way as a dad. I will cover their nakedness and fill in their weak spots wherever I can. And I will not demand a power differential that does not need to exist. That’s my promise. Because at the same time, the rubber meeting the road as it is, I must acknowledge that father does not always know best, and there will be a second great many things that we look back on and see that they were right in their assumptions, correct in their thinking. That they were the master of their own fate, captain of their own vessel and they were simply sailing a different direction. Much to my immediate chagrin. I want to harness this. I want to foster this belief in my life. I want to remind myself that the youth are alright. That they’re worthy of honor and respect and that respect is, now perhaps more than ever, a two way street This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    6 min
  4. May 20

    #47 Politeness

    The next four cards all fall under the heading of “Conformity”. Here we go. Let’s get this deed done. You will not be shocked to learn that I can be quite an impolite person. I have that capacity. But in truth, as I sit and reflect on what on Earth to write about this idea, I do think I am quite as polite as I can be. It’s a learned behavior, maybe for all of us, but certainly for me. My mother taught me the value of politeness. When I was young we were but simple country folk. Still, my mother taught us which fork to use in the correct order. She taught us to use our napkins efficiently and sparingly, to keep our elbows off the table. I was apparently the last human being to address my elders by Mr. & Mrs. and I did so until I was a teenager. Sometimes I still do, and it really seems to weird some people now. Not a very polite practice at my age I suppose, actually. When we answered the rotary phone on the wall we’d say “Hello, Walton residence, this is Nick speaking”. What a nerd. I did grow up with a value for politeness, but I think it’s one I easily trump with other values. It didn’t make it very far in my sort because, much like the last card, it can feel, (in today’s society), cloying and inefficient. And that bothers people. It bothers me. It feels like politeness can also be weaponized and used as a blunt object with which to subjugate others. To put oneself on a morally superior footing. “At least I wasn’t rude about it”. If we’re not vigilant and watchful, politeness can cover all manner of sin. Politeness can even cover abuse or in the worst cases crimes. I am thinking of a crime now in my head, covered up for years and hidden under the guise of politeness. I am gratified that this seems less common now than it was when I was younger. Politeness often demands silence. “Don’t make a scene”. Many people today are more willing to make a scene. Perhaps not enough people. I think the complex part of politeness to me is that it seems to often fly in the face of kindness, a value that does not have its own card but is nevertheless among my own personal central values. Politeness uses the correct fork and then quietly slips its sharpened handle between your ribs. Kindness shoves over and scrapes half its food onto your plate–there’s enough to go around. Polite is nice. Kind is kind. In the end I find politeness suspicious at best. It does feel too-often antithetical to kindness and in a binary choice I know where I land. I know I land with kindness and it alarms me to feel like I’m in a world where not everyone shares this hierarchy of values. I will be polite until it is untrue. Until it is unkind or harmful. And then I will let the chips fall. I will try to be polite. But I will not be silent. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    4 min
  5. May 15

    #46 Respect for Tradition

    I placed the photo upside-down on purpose. Just to be difficult. I thought it would be funny to start by disrespecting the 45-essay-long tradition of putting a normal photo atop each post by making you crane your neck around. I really ain’t got much. I do not actively respect very many traditions. As I’ve aged, I’ve become less conservative—in that there are fewer and fewer things from the past that I see a substantial value in conserving. It always feels like we end up conserving the wrong bits, anyway. We can’t be trusted to be conservative. (This is not necessarily a political statement. Don’t get weird). When I think of tradition, I think of people trying to shoehorn their loved ones into doing something “the way it’s always been done,” despite the world changing, the sands shifting ‘neath our collective feet. I find the traditionalist’s perspective to be primarily one of a head buried in that sand. What customs are important to me? I’m really wracking my brains. I like that we gather, but I never really care about doing it on Christmas. I’d much rather have sporadic, randomized gatherings. I love receiving gifts! But I don’t need them concentrated together. I’d prefer to be thought of when I’m thought of, and never for you to feel a sense of urgency or obligation. (Seriously though, about those Island Punch Spindrifts... that’s a tradition I can get behind). As I sit and reflect on Respect for Tradition, I see that I’m actually somewhat antagonistic toward the concept. I get barby and short-tempered when I’m forced to participate. To me, traditions often feel like Peer Pressure from the Dead. Or from those who refuse to live into the future. At best, they can be stifling and boring. At worst, they feel toxically rote and obligatory. And as we discussed in the Responsibility essay, obligation is the enemy of care. But then. Then I look at the 5-year-old child in my house. We have a little child living with us now. They came from a place where things were not predictable. For me, a man who has had safety and stability for 40 years, “Tradition” feels like a cage. But for them? Tradition feels like a floor. “We always wash our hands before we eat.” “We always watch a movie on Friday.” “We always say goodnight.” “Bath, Books, Bed.” I am realizing that while I hate the obligations of tradition, I deeply value the rhythms of tradition. Because Rhythm can create Safety. When my friend and I shared a Schnecken (that espresso split for two), we were building a micro-tradition. It wasn’t a law handed down by an elder; it was a recurring kindness we built for ourselves. When I take a photo of every single person who does the Values Sort with me, that is a tradition. It is a ritual of honoring the moment. And I do love that tradition. Perhaps I have been looking at this card wrong. I thought “Respect for Tradition” meant worshiping the past. But maybe it just means respecting the infrastructure that holds us together. If a tradition is a wall that keeps people out, I hate it. I will kick it down. But if a tradition is a trellis that allows a new vine to climb up out of the dirt and find the sun... then I can respect it. I can get behind it. . I am building new trellises now. I am building a trellis for my family. I am building some trellises for my friends. I am respecting the necessity of doing the same good thing, over and over again, until it becomes a part of who we are. So, I will leave the photo upside down. Because that is my tradition now: To question the way things are done, and to only turn them right-side up if they actually serve the people I love. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    5 min
  6. #45 Moderation

    May 11

    #45 Moderation

    We’ve left my five chosen values behind and these are getting trickier to write. I feel like we’re back at the beginning again writing about “Wealth” or “Social Recognition”. I feel awkward and ham-fisted. Because indeed I am, and anyway, we are very near the beginning again because as I’ve said before these values are arranged in a great wheel; spoiler alert, the last card in the series is #57, A sense of belonging, (feeling that others care about me), which is, if you think about it, strikingly connected to card #1, Social Power, (control over others, dominance). Let the circle be unbroken. Let’s DO THIS. This card is moderation, the photo for which I took on the backdrop of a box of my favorite commercially produced shortbreads, Walkers. I will, left to my own devices, eat this entire box in one sitting. Cup of coffee, nervously read the news, I’ll blow right through them. Some of these cards feel made just for me because I guess I was really made for them. Some of these cards are so difficult for me to get my head around as to be laughable. I laugh at this card. I snort, snicker. I LOL. I am not naturally moderate. I am naturally obsessive. I am positively addictive in ways. I must be mindful of the vices I allow a foothold in my life lest they take me over completely. And sometimes they do. Sometimes they do. I have discussed some of these things here in these essays; To my great disgust I smoked cigarettes. I will drink Spindrift, (Island Punch if you’re feeling gifty), until my blood is carbonated. I am currently obsessed with these essays and I am more than a little nervous about what might come next, once I do reach card #57. Where is #58? What will I do? It’s actually not a small anxiety in my life. I feel them coming to an end and I’m already sad. I am also full throated in my love and my care for people. I am not moderate in my fondnesses. I have, on more than one occasion, utterly overwhelmed someone with the depth of my affections for them. It’s too much! They haven’t felt they’ve earned it! But it’s honest and it’s true. If I decide I like you there’s little you can do to keep me from liking you. On my road to 200+ values exercises I have written, let’s say, 175 absurdly long text messages. I overwhelm people with my words, I overwhelm them with intended-kindnesses that can even, I imagine, seem disingenuous. I love people as I’d like to be loved. Immoderately. Is there time in this life for moderation? I guess I don’t really know if I believe there is; not in relationship to people, to loving them and liking them and vying for them. There’s not enough time to love people as much as I’d like to. Why measure out my love as if there is some hard limit on the amount I have? I have not reached it yet, and I don’t imagine I will. I am also sometimes immoderate in my rage. This, we’ve discussed as well. Try calling my children names! Disrespect my wife, be needlessly unkind to my friends. I’ll have a difficult time moderating my response to you, and it will not be laden with kindness. Is there time in this life for moderation? I guess I still don’t really know, not when it comes to the defense of the weak or the loved or the defenseless. I defend people as I wish I’d been defended at various times in my past; viciously and thoroughly. Immoderately. So. Moderation. Is it worth even pursuing? Well, yes, probably so. Because in my immoderate justice-rage there is very often collateral damage, and anyway, it’s not always righteous in its origins. Sometimes I am caught in a shameful situation and I react badly. I react in a way that feels taken over and I’ll fight with someone for no reason, over nothing, for too long. There is value in the pursuit of moderation. I have admitted to the capacity for dishonesty. It is a terrible feeling to be caught in a lie–a feeling I know. It’s a kind of a self-wounding to wound someone else that way. A double edged sword by which we’re all sliced way open, our insides showing. And to respond immoderately in that place of pain is damaging for those around me. I smoked cigarettes. At one point I drank too much beer. I eat shortbreads like pacman. Nom nom nom. Forget about keeping a bag of gummy worms in the middle console of the car. Those things are gone. Yesterday. These displays of my great lack of moderation catch up with me. Sometimes quickly like the distance and sadness I feel between me and a friend when I’ve been unreasonable. And sometimes they’re longer term. Will I pay the big price for my smoking? Will I develop diabetes as is a hereditary potential for me? Will my relationships with those I’ve perceived as wrong doers ever recover? Can they really be that bad? And what of my family? If I’m not careful I make unilateral decisions about who we do and do not relate to based on my immoderate judgments. How then shall we live? Moderation in all things, friends! Even in moderation. The answer I think, for me, is discipline in my proclivities. Mindfulness of my tendencies. I can grow! I can change! I can become a better version of myself by observing my values and rejecting the things I find to be harmful. I can be justifiably angry and not wound others unnecessarily in my anger. I can be mindful of the collateral damage I cause. I can choose peace instead of violence. I can decide not to always choose the path of extremes. I can choose a moderate, measured response and I can enjoy the benefits and rewards. Like the last essay on humility, perhaps, for me, it’s not really about moderating myself in relation to anyone else, but simply about moderating myself. Full stop. Being willing to hold things in my hand and prioritize my responses to them. I can rage for injustice! I can make room on the bench even if it means using my weight to shove some boorish inconsiderate oaf off the other end. But I must always be aware. Mindful of the boor as well as the weaker one. I can be aware of how my actions and words and responses will affect the whole group in a situation. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    8 min
  7. May 5

    #44 Humility

    I needed to look up the word effacing. I could use context clues—I got what it meant the first thousand times I thumbed through the deck. It means what I imagined it would: To erase. To make oneself smaller or less conspicuous. I am not humble. I am loud and somewhat boorish, and I can be rude and perfectly monstrous the better you get to know me. I can be outlandish. Just far, far too much sometimes. I would like to be more humble. I would like to be more modest. But I think “self-effacing” gets into complex territory. I am willing to shine less so that others may shine more. It’s part of the job of humanity to lift one another, to float all boats. But if I’m taking up all the space in the harbor... well. I reflect on this very thing we’re doing together—here, now, as you read this. I have told more than one person something to the effect of: “This is for me. I do not need anyone to read my content or validate me in this.” But. I mean. I want people to, right? The truth is—I’ll share it now, 44 essays in—I hope there are people reading these. I do hope people are gathering value from my words. I hope people “like, share, and subscribe.” I’ll go further, friends. I am hoping this turns into something. Which precipitates something else. Which generates interest and energy for something more. I hope I look back at the second half of my life, when I am very old, and see that the day I discovered the Values Deck was the day my life changed. The day something new began. I want to build a website. I want to write a book. I want to use this big mouth and my propensity for communication to benefit the people around me. That’s what I want. Is that humble? Am I humble? There’s the rub. In truth, I don’t just want to help you. I don’t only operate from a place of purity and altruism. I am beset by the needs of the one. And for me, for now, that means validation and comfort. It is to be known and beloved and appreciated. What does this say about me? It is a flowing gradient. There are moments when I can honestly say it is all about the other. When I’m sitting with someone doing their values sort for instance, it’s very nearly always this way. I do feel my best when I’m looking out for others. But there are other days when the gradient shifts, and I am lowly and in need of validation—more than validation sometimes, praise. I lost a good friend once because of this. He had been, for a time, my very closest pal. We worked together and we played together. We invented the Schnecken together. It’s a German word meaning “snails,” but commonly refers to cute little sticky buns. I’ve used the word as a stand-in for any kind of tasty treat since I saw the incomparable Nathan Lane use it in The Birdcage. “When the schnecken beckons,” Lane says, sampling a second treat at the corner bodega. In our context, a Schnecken was a double shot of espresso, split into two 5-ounce rocks glasses and topped with a little water. (And a little cream if ya nasty). The point was a single pull of espresso shared between two people. It was our way of encouraging people to come and spend time together, and my friend and I did just that. But at a certain low point in my life, I cried out to him. I was flailing and thrashing about in need of validation, love, and preferential affection. It was too much for my friend to bear. It was too much for him to shoulder, holding me up in this time of great sorrow. And we drifted. Just like that. I was not modest. I was not self-effacing. I sucked all the air out of the room. My lack of humility—my inability to see things from another person’s point of view—was the death knell for our friendship. The Schnecken is meant to be shared. I drank it all. I reflect on my marriage. It requires near-constant re-calibration to humility for both of us. We would call it “preferring one another in love,” which comes from the Bible (Romans 12, if you’re taking notes). I think the thing I dislike about “self-effacing” is the implication of disappearing. The goal, from my standpoint, is not ultimately to become less, but to make space for others to become more. I reflect on my place of privilege in this current society. I’m large. I’m white. I’m ruddy-cheeked and ruggedly built. I generally get along in this life just fine wherever I go. Nobody hassles me. Nobody stops me and asks for my papers. People usually trust my words. I do not walk around under the weight of strangers’ suspicions. I have so far enjoyed the privileged position of not having to care. And I reflect on my wife the woman. My friend the Black man. My friend the trans man. What of them? Do they also enjoy my place of position? Or are they standing lower on the ground they were given? How can my modesty—perhaps even my self-effacement—make more room for them at the table? I am physically incapable of becoming small. But I am capable of moving over. And I am capable of blocking the door open. I have chosen to care. To try, anyway. It takes a choice—an endless series of choices—to give a s**t about others. To root out any stem or seed of tokenism. To stop trying to earn my high place, and start using it to pull others up. Maybe that is humility for a loud man. Not silence. But amplification of someone else. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    7 min
  8. Apr 30

    #43 Acceptance of my portion in life

    I visited with a college professor yesterday. He taught that biology class series that changed my life. Yesterday I had the opportunity to tell him so. The class was environmental science, and it was a required class for my course of study, (forestry). I have already told you that I did not finish this course of study–I am not a silvaculturalist today. This biology class was part of the reason I quit. The comparison between the things I was learning in the class with the things I was learning in and about the forestry classes and industry were so stark. And I found myself drawn into a fuller and more beautiful observation of the natural world and away from the extractive practices of my youth and of my course of study. Of the classes I took that year I do not retain very much mensuration, (the branch of mathematics focused on calculating lengths, areas, and volumes of geometric shapes, like tree shapes), I could not easily, if called upon, estimate the board feet in a stand of timber today. But I still happily keep and occasionally refer to my copy of Pojar and Mackinnon’s Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast as well as my Oregon State dichotomous key. I’ve added to the list the Sibley guide to Trees and more recently, (and perhaps more delightfully), Pete Wohlleben’s The Hidden Life of Trees. I entered the program thinking of logging. I left the program thinking of the preservation of our natural world. Not that the two are necessarily mutually exclusive! This is not a political statement. Don’t get weird. My house is made of wood. I went into that class very dubious about its value in my life. I spent a year measuring logs both standing and lying, and counting insects, and learning about the impacts we have on our natural world and learning lessons about hairbrushes broken too easily. I could not have articulated the change it made in me at the time. But in hindsight I see that it was a point of inflection and it changed my perspective. Which did in turn affect my values, which catalyzed beliefs in my life, which had forever impacted my vision and mission. Many of my actual behaviors and thoughts and actions in life have ultimately been affected by this class and I’m grateful. When I visited my professor, (the first time we’d seen one another in more than 20 years), it was as though no time had passed and I remembered why I liked him and his class so. One thing he showed me as we sat and ate gingerbread in his living room near his warm fire, was thirty years of data he’d collected on bird species present on his 28 acre property. It was delightfully nerdy and reminded me of a dataset I’m collecting. I have done this values exercise with over 200 people. And at the end of each one, (with permission), I take a photo. A beautiful photo of the respondent and their choices. I do not publish these photos or share them with the world, but I do look at them myself. I will flick through the album on my phone, land on a person, observe their values, check the date and think about their lives in the days or weeks or months since we sat together. It’s really been a fascinating experience in addition to being a beautiful one. Interestingly, in the times that I’ve done this, only two people have had a matching set of five values. This says nothing, really, as they are unrelated in any meaningful way and both people will have landed on those choices for different reasons. In fact, out of 57 cards, it’s remarkable that I would even have had a full match at all in only 200 samples–a big number for me, but not a particularly huge dataset. It’s also notable that there are several cards that are chosen only very seldomly. Preservation of my public Image. Social recognition. One of my favorite tasty little mysteries, one card has been selected exactly one time. Acceptance of my portion in life. Submitting to life’s circumstances. One time. One person. Sitting crosslegged on her living room floor with me. One time. Now what do you make of that? What does that say about my friend who made this selection, I asked her after the exercise? And what does it say about over 200 other people? I reflect again on my professor. He does not try to count all the birds in Oregon. He accepts his portion. He accepts his 28 acres and has a beautiful, ring-bound volume of collected data as his reward. Do you not yield? Do you not submit? Do you not accept the circumstances of your life? Obviously I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here, because as I have noted these are five cards, five choices in comparison with the compendium of human experience. There are fifty seven cards. There must be 57 million things that we could value as humans. Things with words like Kindness or Generosity, or things that are beyond words like a baby’s warmth or a long love in the same direction. Still, it’s a value that, far from discarding flippantly, I wrestle with. Submission to life’s circumstances. I have bent my knee to life’s circumstances. Is that always the right choice? Can we value it and still fight, still rage against it? The submission? Or is the fight itself a lack of submitting to the slings and arrows of this life? And is approaching submission as a defeat a sort of defeat in itself? For what of positive circumstances? Do we submit to those as well, or do we expect them and take them for granted? Do we deserve all that we have? All that we get? All that happens, how it happens and when? I often think of my college professor and the things I learned in that year. Not just mensuration and dendrology and planned obsolescence. But the things I learned about my own self. It was, as college often is, one of my first experiences outside of my parents’ sphere. I had lived on my own for some years by then. I was accustomed to that Lucky-Charms-and-cheap-beer lifestyle. But everything I was and wasn’t in those fresh, crispy years of early adulthood was still measured against who I was within the context of my home and family. And environmental science was a breath of something new. I often wonder–what if I’d stayed in? I make the comment, I’ve made it here, that there’s probably a place where a guy with a big mouth and a big love for people could have made a home with a forestry degree. I could be something really neat, like a park ranger. And instead I am not. I am a coffee roaster, an occupation I have already admitted I do not have a particular passion for. I must accept this. I must let go. And besides, if I had not followed the life path I did, I may never have developed my dataset, my 200 people, (and counting), I may never have married my partner, I may never have done and seen a million wonderful things. Not everything is perfect in my life. Not everything is always peachy-keen for an entrepreneur. My business struggles in this post COVID era where people make buying decisions very differently on some levels. Not everything is perfect in my family; my own children are growing up and pushing against boundaries I don’t even know that I should have set in the first place. In my recent essays I have discussed my faith. Out of something and into something new. Metamorphosis. But what does it mean for the caterpillar? Is there any sense of loss? Probably not for the caterpillar. But for us? As I continue a life-long transformation it is necessary to accept the circumstances of that transformation. My portion is my portion. My portion is indeterminately good and indefinably difficult. This is true for us all I think. For every choice we make there are a million more we do not. And we can spend our lives, if we’re not careful, regretting those paths. What does it mean to submit now, today to the circumstances of my life? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com

    9 min

About

Growing up, the path was clear: "Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay." But what happens when the path you were given becomes a betrayal of your very self? Hosted by Nick Walton—husband, dad, and coffee roaster—The Values Sort explores what happens when you have to rebuild your life’s foundation from scratch. After leaving the structure of his childhood church and feeling "lost," Nick found a simple tool: a deck of cards, each printed with a single human value like "Helpfulness" or "Honesty." By sorting them down to five core essentials, he found a new way to navigate the world. In this series, Nick explores the cards that changed his way of thinking, sharing the essays and stories that define them. Whether you are 10 years old or 80, this is an invitation to figure out who you are, five cards at a time. nickfromoregon.substack.com