The Modern Feminine

Rebekah Donovan

Deep conversations about creativity, love, the self, and what it means to build a life that's undeniably, and beautifully, yours. Come and take a seat at the table Episodes released on the last Tues & Thurs of every month.

Episodes

  1. 6d ago

    Are You Living Someone Else’s Life? | Yapping About Identity Crises, Masking, and Resilience

    Mark started this one having been crying in the shower. Naked, obviously - he was at pains to clarify. We're thinking about resilience, and what it actually means for each of us. We reframe it pretty fast. Resilience isn’t about not getting knocked down — life will knock you down regardless. It’s about how quickly you get back up, and more importantly, how you speak to yourself while you’re still on the floor. Then we get into the stuff underneath that. Mark spent ten years as a doorman — terrified every single time, violently shaking after, never wanting any of it — while being introduced to every room as “Mark’ll sort it.” A role he was handed and just... inhabited. We both had a version of that. I spent my twenties answering to “Charlie’s mum” before I even had time to figure out who Bekah was. And it ends with cheese. I don’t know how to explain that. It ends with cheese. TIMESTAMPS (02:00) What resilience actually means vs what we think it means(05:00) Life is suffering — it’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s how you speak to yourself when you do(08:00) Being treated like a piece of shit for so long that it starts to define you(10:00) Lobbing deck chairs off the Titanic — and why the stuff you’re left with is the hardest(12:00) The Friday evening email — same pattern, same modus operandi, year after year(14:00) Going into a hard conversation for yourself, not for what the other person gives you(18:00) Performative grief (20:00) Full transparency as the only mode (22:00) The universe plopping in a test to check you’ve actually done the work(24:00) Changing the strategy when the strategy isn’t working(27:00) The definition of madness: doing the same thing and expecting a different result(30:00) Ten years as a doorman — violently shaking after, absolutely terrified, every single time(34:00) Moving away to leave the role behind and still being introduced as “Mark’ll sort it”(37:00) The identity you’re handed as a mother and the one you eventually find your way back to(41:00) Bekah holding a six-month-old at graduation while her friends booked flights(43:00) “You stole my twenties from me” — and why that framing just doesn’t sit(45:00) Co-parenting done right — the kids see us hug when we say goodbye(47:00) Bekah’s dad at 19: the offer to reconnect, the diatribe, and “do you know what? I’m good.”(50:00) Nothing about Mark’s story has changed — consistency as the one thing you can control(53:00) Removing yourself from dynamics you’re done with — peace and stability, not anger(55:00) The onion analogy and why Mark is more of a plum(58:00) Who first decided to eat cheese and what were they actually thinking KEY TAKEAWAYS Resilience isn’t about not getting knocked down. Life will knock you down - that’s not failure, that’s life. What matters is how quickly you get back up, and the story you’re telling yourself while you’re still on the floor. We spend years performing versions of ourselves we were handed, not ones we chose. The work isn’t becoming someone new. It’s working out who you actually were before the conditioning got there first. When the approach isn’t working, changing the approach isn’t giving up. Mark had tried everything - being consistent, reaching out, showing up. The only thing he hadn’t tried was stepping back and letting time do what action couldn’t. For a fixer, that’s the hardest move of all. FOLLOW[Bekah | The Modern Feminine: @the.modernfeminine][Mark | Beyond Limits Coaching: @beyondlimits.lifecoach] SUBSCRIBE SO YOU DON’T MISS AN EPISODE

  2. Oct 21

    Is It OK To Complain About Your Life? | Yapping About Raising Teenagers, Navigating Loss & Why Brits Don’t Do Feelings with Mark Long

    We started on kids. Mine, his. The naughty friends phase, validation-seeking, Air Cadets. Normal parent stuff. And then Mark’s dog died this weekend - 14 years, running partner, confidant through everything - and we ended up somewhere much deeper. He said something I haven’t stopped thinking about since: “I can’t advocate for assisted dying in humans and not feel that’s okay for my dog.” That’s the kind of honesty this podcast exists for. We also get into why Brits are so spectacularly bad at letting themselves feel anything, what happens when you read back your journal from the worst chapter of your life, and why Matthew McConaughey’s mum might have had it right all along. Welcome back to The Modern Feminine | The Yap Edition. TIMESTAMPS (00:00) We’re already losing to technology and we haven’t started (01:30) The clay Wells Tower — a parenting disaster for the ages (07:00) Why your kid has already run four scenarios before asking for dessert (11:00) The naughty friends phase and why it’s actually fine (17:00) Stop saying “that’s amazing” — what to say instead (22:00) Air Cadets, structure, and kids who end up walking up Snowdon at the weekend (27:00) The self-fulfilling prophecy of kids who never get the opportunity (33:00) Your worst day could be someone else’s best day (34:00) Mark’s dog died — love, loss, and making the hardest call (43:00) Be grateful for the hard times (easier said than done when you’re in them) (45:00) Matthew McConaughey’s mum and the 24-hour rule for feeling shit (49:00) Why Brits are emotionally broken — and the mates who’d have called you gay for talking about it (53:00) Neurodiversity — imagine if we were all exactly the same. God, no. (58:00) Never stop being curious — and why we’re trained out of it (1:03:00) Reading back your journal from the worst chapter and going “what were you doing?” KEY TAKEAWAYS Stop automatically validating your kids. Mark started replacing his default “that’s amazing!” with “how does that make you feel?” — and it changed everything. It gives kids space to actually process their own experience instead of performing for your approval. Small shift. Massive difference. Your worst day could be someone else’s best day. This isn’t toxic positivity — it’s a perspective reset you can hold alongside the hard feeling, not instead of it. Mark shared this at a speaking event and a woman messaged him days later saying it changed how she showed up as a mum. It works because it’s true, not because it bypasses anything. Give yourself a container for the feeling. McConaughey’s mum gave him 24 hours to feel completely shit about a breakup — then that was it. Not white-knuckling past it, not building a house there either. You sit with it. Tomorrow is the day you get up again. But today? You’re allowed. FOLLOW [Bekah | The Modern Feminine: @the.modernfeminine] [Mark | Beyond Limits Coaching: @beyondlimits.lifecoach] SUBSCRIBE SO YOU DON’T MISS AN EPISODE

  3. Oct 14

    Are You Actually Ready For A Relationship? | Yapping About Dating, Relationship Red Flags & Going Sober with Mark Long

    I’ve been wanting to do this kind of episode for a while - just me and someone I actually talk to like this, off the record, with no agenda. Mark Long is a friend and fellow coach - and also, most importantly, one of the most honest people I know. And these are the kinds of conversations we should be having OUT LOUD. (Side note: the audio does get better!!) We unabashedly cover everything: what modern relationships actually require from both people (and why most of us aren’t giving it), how to tell whether you’re doing the work or just saying you are, the Alison Armstrong reframe from The Queen’s Code that genuinely changed how I show up, and exploring the real reason a lot of us drink. It's chaos, and that's just how we like it. Welcome to The Modern Feminine | The Yap Edition. TIMESTAMPS (00:00) We attempted to start recording this 45 minutes ago — time is a construct (01:21) Limitations we’re given by other people — and spending the rest of our lives shaking them off (06:37) When we first met, we were both uncoupled (and now we’re both not — not with each other) (08:31) Dating experience — what it’s actually like out there (13:15) The couples therapist quote: you’ll have multiple long-term relationships — it’s your choice whether it’s with the same person (18:21) Going back to dating after a breakup — and realising each time you show up differently (23:00) Cutting people off the second you could smell a rat — and why that mattered (24:42) The people who aren’t doing the work but expecting other people to do it for them (29:13) The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong — putting down the sword (33:18) Accepting someone doesn’t mean putting up with them (34:21) Who else is going to hold you to that standard? No one. (36:19) Catching yourself being a d*!k — and knowing it’s your problem, not his (43:13) Bed death — the thing nobody talks about but is happening everywhere (43:45) Stopping drinking while dating — and what that signals about the other person (52:07) Why we actually drink: neurodivergence, overstimulation, escape hatches (55:11) Your body telling you whether you’re with the right person (we said what we said) KEY TAKEAWAYS You will have multiple long-term relationships — it’s your choice whether it’s with the same person or not. That’s not a pessimistic take, it’s an active one. The people who stay together for decades aren’t just lucky. They actively choose to let each other change, and let the relationship change with them. Resist that, and it breaks. Accepting someone and holding them to a standard aren’t opposites. One of the most useful things from this conversation: “I accept you as the flawed human you are. And also — I have expectations. I’ll do my best to meet yours if you do your best to meet mine.” That’s not harsh. That’s actually how love works. Why you actually drink is worth knowing. Social anxiety. Overstimulation. Family expectation. An escape hatch from a life you don’t love yet. Unpicking the real reason changes your relationship with it faster than any Dry January ever will. FOLLOW Bekah | The Modern Feminine: @the.modernfeminine Mark | Beyond Limits Coaching: @beyondlimits.lifecoach SUBSCRIBE SO YOU DON'T MISS AN EPISODE

  4. Oct 7

    How Do You Actually Take Up Space As A Woman? | Yapping About True Confidence with Charlotte Robson

    Charlotte Robson was a stay-at-home mum who one day looked out of the window, watched strangers walk past with somewhere to be, and realised she was slowly disappearing. That frustration became the seed of The Authentic Girls Club — now a global movement of women waking up to who they already are. In this episode, Charlotte shares the breathwork session where she stood up in a room full of people lying down and finally took up space for the first time; the moment her dogs were stolen and the universe asked her who she was going to be about it; why gratitude has been holding so many women back; and the reframe that changed everything — from "who the hell am I to do this?" to "I know exactly who I am to do this." TIMESTAMPS (01:00) Getting into Happy Place Festival - and what that moment meant (07:34) The breathwork session that changed everything — standing up in a room full of people lying down (11:26) Seeing herself on the main stage before it happened (14:41) Who the hell are you to do this? — answering from power, not doubt (16:07) Waking women up to who they already are — what The Authentic Girls Club is actually for (18:23) The SAHM wake-up moment — watching strangers walk past with somewhere to be (20:06) Joining a business community for £47 a month (checked out 15 times) (21:31) The breakout room where she met Cat — her now business partner (24:25) Gratitude is holding so many women back — you can be grateful AND want more (28:11) The 90-second rule for processing emotions (30:06) The box she didn't want to open — losing horses, her mum's diagnosis, going to uni (33:12) "I don't feel like I've been through enough to say what I want to say" — and then the dogs got stolen (34:42) Going viral, being blackmailed, and finding the Gandhi quote at 2am (40:28) The women who come to The Authentic Girls Club — perfectionism, control, being the fixer (41:15) Jay Shetty: whatever you're seeking outside of you, give it to yourself first (48:52) Courage over brave — doing it scared (50:43) "I am so excited to see what I'm capable of" (51:25) Learning to do a French plait — and what it unlocked (55:37) What creativity means to her — and why her voice is her gift (57:30) Starting to sing (and why it makes her want to cry just talking about it) (01:05:40) What she wanted to be before the SAHM dream — psychology, criminology, rehabilitation (01:08:19) The vision: big arenas, a farm full of rescue horses, and a mic KEY TAKEAWAYS Gratitude is holding women back — and it needs to be said louder. Charlotte and her business partner Cat both got stuck in the same story: I should just be grateful. The turning point for Cat was a single quote — "you can be grateful and want more" — and she said that was the only permission slip she needed. The should-be-grateful story is one of the most socially acceptable ways to keep yourself small, and it runs particularly deep in women. Answer "who the hell are you to do this?" from power, not doubt. The question sounds like imposter syndrome. Charlotte has flipped it into a coaching tool — asking it directly to her women and watching something shift in the room. Because when you hear it as a genuine question rather than an attack, you realise you have every piece of evidence you need. You already know who you are. You just stopped letting yourself say it. The box is never as scary as you think. Charlotte's box had her mother's illness, a lost horse, years of choices made when she was lost, and eventually — stolen dogs, going viral, and being blackmailed. She didn't open it straight away. She got better with herself first, and then it opened naturally, with compassion. You don't have to rip the lid off. The better you get in the moment, the gentler the box becomes. FOLLOW Charlotte on Instagram Sign up for the Authentic Girls Club

  5. Jul 31

    How Do You Commit To Your Creativity & FINALLY Become An Artist? | Solo Yap

    I sat down to record this and couldn't find my tripod. And instead of that being a minor inconvenience, it became the whole episode — because the moment I started blaming everything external for why I couldn't create, I recognised it for exactly what it was. Resistance. And resistance is always internal. This solo episode picks up where my conversation with Ciáran Hodgers left off and goes somewhere more personal: my own creative journey, an unexpected pregnancy at 22 that put my dreams on pause, 15 years of pivoting and picking things up and putting them down, and the realisation I've arrived at now — that writing has been the one thread I have always come back to. This episode is about what it costs to keep avoiding the thing you know is yours, and what it actually looks like to finally commit & devote yourself to your creativity. KEY TAKEAWAYS (00:00) Creative resistance is always internal, not external(01:27) Why we avoid calling ourselves writers, artists, creatives — and what that costs us(03:45) The belief systems we built without consent — and how hard they are to break down(05:39) Creativity as spiritual practice — devotion, not productivity(06:53) Reconnecting to childhood creativity at 35(09:56) 15 years of pivoting: good at a lot of things, devoted to none of them(15:38) Therapy, burnout, psychedelics, mentorship — the unsexy path to here(16:26) Learning the difference between the shoulds and the needs(16:55) The things I always come back to (17:54) Empowered people are wonderfully dangerous — and we need more of them(18:27) Simplifying as a creative act — dropping the distraction(20:52) It's up to me now to commit KEY TAKEAWAYS The resistance is never about the tripod. The moment Bekah couldn't find her tripod, her brain started telling her she wasn't supposed to be recording, that everything was always chaotic, that she'd never finish anything. That's not a logistics problem — that's the internal belief system doing its job. The external chaos is almost always the internal chaos looking for somewhere to land. You don't have to blow up your life to write the book. The belief system says: if I commit to being a creative, I have to overhaul everything. The reality is you can write around the life you have. And obsession — the kind where you're dreaming about it, thinking about it before you open your laptop — is how you know you're on the right road. That's devotion, not disruption. Empowered people are wonderfully dangerous things. Bekah's through-line: creativity is not a hobby or a nice-to-have. It's the most human thing you can do, and in a world of AI-generated everything, it's more urgent than ever. Committing to it — not performing it, not gesturing towards it, actually devoting yourself to it — is an act of service as much as it is a personal one.

  6. Jul 28

    Should You Be Trying To Sell Your Art? | Yapping About the Creative Process, Taking Breaks & Why The Process Is The Whole Point with Ciáran Hodgers

    How does it feel to put a big creative project down? When I put my book down, I expected everything to go quiet — the way it always had before. Instead, the opposite happened... In this episode with writer, poet and creative mentor Ciáran Hodgers — who has also been mentoring me through this exact season — we unpack why the process was never supposed to lead somewhere. It's the whole damn point. Also: the fear that kills most creative work before it starts, the envy we can all feel when someone finds their creativity easier to access, the GLOW prayer, and the first line of a short story that made me laugh at myself and keep going anyway. LISTEN AS WE DISCUSS (00:03) Assumptions people make about the creative process (07:46) The bigness that has to match the bigness in you (10:52) The fear of receipt — how much creativity is lost to it (17:47) The backrooms director — what happens when creativity is allowed (26:49) "Everything you do is the crossover between stories and people" (42:48) How your relationship with time and creativity changes (44:30) The girl at university and the envy that was really grief (51:29) The seasonality of creativity (54:05) What happens when we put big things down (55:59) The process IS the point, not the road to the project (01:08:42) "Why am I so bothered by this?" — the question worth asking (01:10:10) Why gratitude felt like b******t — and the GLOW prayer (01:13:58) What does your dream creative life look like? (01:19:22) For anyone at the threshold — the first thing to do KEY TAKEAWAYS The process is not the road to the project. When I put the book down I expected my creativity to stop — it didn't, it came back. Because the process was never supposed to lead somewhere. It just needs to be happening. The fear isn't failure — it's not being understood. The backrooms director case study: allowed to exist in his creativity at home, found a corner of the internet that received his weirdness. Remove either and you probably don't get what he made. That's how much is being lost to the fear of not being understood. You don't have to jump. Ciáran's advice for anyone at the threshold: just look for clues. The first line of my short story was embarrassingly bad and I just laughed and kept writing. That's the whole point. THE GUEST Ciáran Hodgers - my gorgeous friend - and multi-award winning Irish spoken word poet. Winner of the Sean Dunne Young Writers Award 2010, the International Pangaea Poetry Slam 2015 and the Word War 3 Slam Champ 2017, he was billed as one of Lingo's 2016 'Powerhouse Poets at the top of their game'.

  7. Jun 11

    How Do You Communicate Better With Your Partner? | Yapping About Getting the Relationship You Truly Want

    This is my solo part 2 of the conversation with Giles Denning. I talk through bids for connection (Gottman), the lean-in vs lean-out dynamic, and the Alison Armstrong reframe from The Queen's Code that I honestly just can't stop thinking about - flipping from "what's wrong with them?" to "what don't I understand about them yet?" I also get personal about my disorganised attachment history, what it means to raise two boys in this cultural moment, and why the us-vs-them narrative online is actively making all of this harder. This is a practical, honest, and occasionally sweary part 2 on taking responsibility for your 50%. 🎧 Listen as I share...(01:25) The us-vs-them narrative and why it's the problem, not the solution(02:16) What happens when women shut down men's spaces(02:41) The patriarchy hurts men too - and why we need to be able to say it(03:39) Both men and women want peace - we just reach for it differently(05:31) Bids for connection - what Gottman actually found and why it matters(09:53) The snowball effect: what happens when you start responding to bids(10:36) "Why don't you?" vs "I'm curious" - the phrasing that changes everything(11:39) Leaning out: the huffing-and-puffing bed scenario(12:30) My disorganised attachment history - oscillating between anxious and avoidant(13:49) Leaning in as a daily choice, not a personality trait(14:47) Renegotiating the relationship contract - without a map, without examples(15:20) Why we project instead of communicate - and what's underneath that(16:00) Raising two boys and what's personally at stake in this(17:29) Alison Armstrong and The Queen's Code - go read it(18:39) Blame → curiosity: the one shift that changes everything underneath KEY TAKEAWAYS "What don't I understand about them yet?" Alison Armstrong's reframe is the most useful tool in this episode. "What's wrong with them?" externalises the problem, removes your agency, and puts all the weight on the other person. "What don't I understand yet?" hands the power back to you. It's not a soft question — it's a curiosity shift that changes the entire direction of a conversation before it's even started. Bids for connection aren't grand gestures. Gottman's research shows a bid can be as small as saying come look at this bird. You don't need to respond perfectly - you just need to start noticing. And if you start responding, the snowball effect is real: your bids begin to get met too. You don't even have to say anything first. Just look. Leaning out feels like protection. It isn't. Going to bed without saying anything, back turned, huffing quietly - that's not keeping the peace, it's withholding. It denies your own need and can trigger something in your partner that has nothing to do with tonight. Leaning in - "I'm tired, I'm going to bed, I love you" - is the more vulnerable choice. It's also the one that actually works. "Why don't you?" vs "I wonder." The phrasing of your question determines the energy of the conversation before your partner has said a word. "Why don't you?" carries blame, pressure, and assumption. "I wonder" or "I'm curious" opens a door. Same need. Completely different outcome. We're renegotiating the contract without a map. Both men and women are trying to figure out what modern relationships look like - and neither side has a template for it. The anger and projection online is fear dressed up as certainty. Taking responsibility for your 50% isn't conceding anything. It's the only thing that actually changes the dynamic FOLLOW @the.modernfeminine on Instagram @themodernfeminine on YouTube

  8. Jun 9

    What Do Women Get Wrong About Men's Emotions? | Yapping with Giles Denning

    Giles Denning has spent years in rooms that most people never see - rooms full of men who are trying to understand... - why the patterns they're living aren't working - why relationships keep breaking down - and what it would actually take to become a different kind of man. In this episode, we have the conversation that the internet's loudest voices are making harder to have - about what women fundamentally misunderstand about men, what men don't yet know about themselves, and what it actually takes to choose the inner work. Giles introduces the idea of calling men up rather than calling them out, unpacks the rites of passage that Western society forgot to give men, and explains why his mission to reach a million men isn't therapy. It's something different entirely. This is the bridge episode - for the woman who wants to understand the men in her life better, and for the man who knows something needs to change but hasn't found the door yet. 🎧 Listen as we discuss… (01:30) What do women fundamentally get wrong about men? (05:17) Men are carrying a lot of shame - and most women have no idea (07:00) Why "it's okay to cry" isn't what men need to hear (08:33) What men's work actually looks like (09:30) Calling men up, not out - why shame doesn't work (11:24) The missing rites of passage: why Western men never made the boy-to-man journey (12:43) Men aren't broken - they're confused (14:06) Coaching as a mirror: how Giles spots the victim mentality pattern (40:36) Bids for connection & how to spot them (41:30) Leaning in vs. leaning out and who's responsible for what (43:31) Productive numbing - why obsessive routine is still avoidance (45:35) The mission: one million men (51:00) Why external success doesn't mean your relationships work KEY TAKEAWAYS Men aren't broken - they're lacking a map: most men who are checking out or behaving badly aren't irredeemable. They're operating without the rites of passage that should have guided them from boy to man. Western society stopped facilitating that journey - and the results are playing out in relationships everywhere. Call them up, not out: there's a key difference between shaming a man for his behaviour and raising his standard. One closes him down. The other opens him up. When a man says "my girlfriend's a bitch" - the useful response isn't "I hear you." It's "what's your 50% of this?" "It's okay to cry" isn't what men need to hear: what men actually want is to be seen, appreciated, and told they're doing well. The gap between what women think men need emotionally, and what men actually need, is sitting at the heart of most relationship breakdowns. Productive numbing is still numbing: ice baths at 5am. Tracking every metric. Twelve ultra marathons a year. High-performing men building optimised routines as a way of escaping their emotional lives. Routine is good. Obsessive productivity as avoidance is a different thing entirely. Thriving men create thriving homes: the mission isn't self-improvement for its own sake. It's the ripple. A man who can process things in real time, who has people he can be honest with, who owns his 50% - he's not passing his unresolved wounds on to his children. THE GUEST Giles Denning - men's coach, founder of Habitual and Berkshire Men's Club, & creator of PerformX Live REFERENCES

  9. Mar 5

    How Do You Rebuild After a Breakup? | The 18 Months That Changed Everything

    In this first Modern Feminine episode, I’m laying the foundations out loud. I talk about the last 18 months as the most transformative period of my life - not because it was easy, but because I consented to the transformation. I share what it looked like to let things burn, to process things properly (including going straight into therapy and doing EMDR), to rebuild my life around people and community, and to learn what “inner safety” actually means.  This is the starting point: a space that can hold paradox - practical + spiritual, trad wife + girlboss - without needing life to be black and white. Because it isn’t.  In this episode, I talk about: 00:00 Building The Modern Feminine in public 01:48 The 18 months that changed my life 03:33 Consenting to transformation 04:57 The breakup that started everything 07:11 “Let the m**********r burn” 08:14 Why healing isn’t a 3-step process 10:09 Even when the choices are terrible, you still have a choice 11:30 Realising I’d actually done the work 14:02 Living as a paradox (science, spirituality, ambition) 16:13 The search for rules about femininity 17:03 Building real inner safety 18:47 Why I went straight back into therapy (EMDR) 21:01 Losing my home and starting again 23:09 Learning to trust my gut 24:14 Rebuilding community 26:13 Dating again from a different place 27:28 Why I’m creating this community 29:13 A message for anyone looking for hope If you take one thing from this episode Keep going. There is hope. Even when your choices feel awful, choose - and listen to your body while you do it. If this landed for you, come and build this with me.  Leave a comment with what you want The Modern Feminine to become, or what you’re navigating right now - I read and respond to every single one.  And if you know someone who needs hope, send this episode to them!

About

Deep conversations about creativity, love, the self, and what it means to build a life that's undeniably, and beautifully, yours. Come and take a seat at the table Episodes released on the last Tues & Thurs of every month.