We Love Our Family...But Damn Podcast

Kristen & Roger Mansourian
  • 5.0 (19)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

A podcast about marriage, parenting, money, and the real conversations couples need to have when building a life together. From relationships and conflict to buying a home, navigating finances, and creating a strong family legacy, we talk honestly about what it takes to build a partnership — and a future — that actually lasts. bykristenlee.substack.com

  1. Why Are You On Instagram But Wont Let Your Kid Look At Screens?

    5d ago

    Why Are You On Instagram But Wont Let Your Kid Look At Screens?

    EPISODE SUMMARY: Your kid watches 30 minutes of TV and suddenly you're a bad parent. But here's what nobody's talking about: the control, the shame, the perfectionism... it's not protecting your child. It's killing your marriage. In this episode, Kristen and Roger unpack their journey from being the judgiest parents who swore they'd never let their daughter watch screens—to realizing that their extreme "holistic" values were actually hurting their family. Kristen's first year postpartum was marked by crippling anxiety and control around every choice (screens, sugar, formula, toys)—a perfectionism that escalated into postpartum psychosis. Roger watched his wife become a manager instead of a partner. And their marriage... suffered. They're breaking down: Why the holistic community has taken control to a toxic extreme The difference between healthy boundaries and trauma-driven perfectionism How control kills feminine energy and polarity in your marriage The real reason parents shame each other about screen time (spoiler: it's not about the kids) What they're actually doing with their daughter now (moderation, not martyrdom) Why your kid will find something to blame you for anyway—so you might as well enjoy dinner This is for the mom who's drowning in guilt. The couple whose marriage is suffering because one partner controls everything. The parent ready to let go of the performance and actually enjoy their family. KEY INSIGHTS & TALKING POINTS 1. Control is a Trauma Response, Not Virtue Perfectionism doesn't come from being "a good parent." It comes from inherited beliefs that you have to be perfect to be worthy. For Kristen, this belief spiraled into postpartum psychosis—when fear and control reached their breaking point. The question isn't "how do I be perfect?"—it's "where is this coming from?" 2. Perfectionism in Parenting = Loss of Polarity in Marriage When a mom is in constant control-mode (managing the child, managing the husband, managing everything), she loses her softness, her femininity, her magnetism. She becomes a manager instead of a partner. Roger couldn't be close to her. They couldn't connect. The irony? Letting go creates the space for real intimacy. 3. The Holistic Community Has Created a New Perfectionism "Holistic" used to mean "whole person." Now it means extreme—no seed oils, no formula, no screens, no synthetic anything. But holistic people are stressed, anxious, and teaching their kids that suffering is noble. What happened to balance? 4. You're Teaching Your Kid What Matters (Accidentally) When you restrict screens in extreme ways, you're often teaching: "You need to be perfect to be worthy. Your comfort doesn't matter. Sacrifice > joy." When you model moderation, you're teaching something radically different: "We can enjoy things AND be responsible. Balance exists. You're worthy even when you fail." 5. The Shame Cycle Is Real—And It's Not About the Kid Parents get defensive about screen time because they feel shame. The shame often comes from social media judgment and the pressure to be perceived as the "right kind of parent." But this performance is exhausting. And your kid will judge you anyway (Kristen's honest: her kids complained about things she did 100% right). 6. Moderation With Discernment Beats Extremes The goal isn't "zero screens forever" or "screens all day." It's observing YOUR child, YOUR family, YOUR values, and making decisions from discernment, not fear. Kristen's daughter is visually stimulated and actually learns from watching shows. Other kids run circles and ignore screens. Both are normal. FRAMEWORKS DISCUSSED The Polarity Principle: Control-energy (masculine, managing, fearful) pushes partners away. Trust-energy (feminine, soft, present) creates attraction. You can't be in control-mode AND have a thriving marriage. Something has to give. The Moderation Model: Instead of black/white thinking ("screens are evil" vs. "unlimited screens"), ask: What does discernment look like for MY family? What are my actual values? What am I doing from fear vs. from wisdom? The Generational Transmission: You're not just parenting your kid—you're showing them how to be human. If you're stressed, controlled, and resentful, that's what they inherit. If you're flexible, present, and enjoying your life... that's the real legacy. CALL TO ACTION If this landed, share it with your partner. Or better yet, listen together and actually talk about it. (Yes, this is relationship work disguised as parenting advice.) Want more tools for breaking cycles and building real connection in your marriage? Check out [8 Money Dates] and [Marriage & Money]—both are designed to help couples move from control and resentment to collaboration and intimacy. Subscribe to We Love Our Family... But Damn so you don't miss an episode. We're talking about all the hard stuff—money, parenting, boundaries, polarity, legacy. Everything that matters. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    31 min

  2. Jul 2

    He Was More Attracted to Her After She Had the Baby (Not Less)

    This is a bonus episode with us interviewing our friends Keith & Erin on vacationKeith and Erin met at Delta Sonic (a large car wash/oil change facility) in Buffalo—they knew each other for two years before dating. The story gets deeper when Erin shares that she had her first son at 17, and Keith was notably more attracted to her when she returned from maternity leave, not less. This seemingly simple detail opens a conversation about motherhood, maturity, real attraction, and what it means to choose someone through their transformation. Over 18 years together, they've navigated alcohol addiction, changing their entire friend circle, early parenthood stress, and seasons of disconnect. Keith's alcohol journey is particularly candid—not the "hit rock bottom" narrative, but the fear-based wake-up: a friend telling him "a deadbeat dad doesn't wake up one day as a deadbeat dad; there's a process of getting there." That scared him straight. No DUI, no AA—just a clear look at the future and a choice to change. This episode is about legacy, values, staying on the same team through rough patches, and what 18 years of marriage actually looks like when you're willing to be brutally honest about the hard seasons. Key Insights & Talking Points 1. Motherhood Increases Attraction, Not Decreases It Keith saw Erin transform from a young employee to a mother—she "went from kid to adult." For him, watching her navigate motherhood, step into maturity, and rebuild herself increased his attraction. This reframes everything about what men find attractive in long-term partnerships: not decreased responsibility or life experience, but the strength and growth that comes with it. 2. "You're Not Against Each Other; You're Together" When marriages hit rough patches, couples often slip into opponent mode—blame, defensiveness, separate agendas. Erin emphasizes that the fundamental shift is remembering: this is us against the problem, not you against me. Even when navigating addiction, friend circle changes, and parenting stress, staying on the same team transforms how you move through challenges. 3. The Alcohol Pivot Wasn't Rock Bottom; It Was Future Vision Keith's story challenges the "you have to hit rock bottom" narrative. He quit drinking without a DUI, without AA, without crisis. Instead, a friend's words (about how you become a deadbeat dad slowly) + looking at his future + looking in the mirror = clarity. He asked himself: "What do I want my life to look like, and how am I going to get there if I'm still living with these habits?" That's decision-making based on vision, not crisis. 4. Changing Your Friend Circle Is Changing Your Life When Keith decided to quit drinking, he realized he needed to change his circle. Some friends stayed (he doesn't regret the people, just the path). But the willingness to outgrow your social circle—even when you're "showing up" as a dad and husband—is what allows real transformation. You can't transform into something new if you're still surrounded by the old environment. 5. Rough Patches Last Longer Than a Full House Episode This line is gold: "The rough patches last longer than an episode of Full House." Expectations matter. Couples think conflict resolves in 30 minutes or an episode of a sitcom. Real marriage rough patches are seasons—sometimes years—of navigating misalignment, addiction, parenting stress, disconnection. Knowing this is normal and okay changes how you approach it. 6. Values Are the Roots; Legacy Is Everything Built From Them Erin talks about legacy like an architect: "If those roots are deep, then everything you build and create is an extension of that." Legacy isn't one big decision; it's the cumulative weight of decisions rooted in clear values. For them: values include being in healthy relationship, connection, and breaking cycles (being cycle breakers). 7. You're Not the Same Person Every Few Years—And That's the Point Both Keith and Erin reference how you change. "The person you marry is going to change every few years, as are you." The invitation isn't to fight that change or resent it—it's to grow together through it. The couples who make it are the ones who can say: "I'm choosing you again, even though you're different now." 8. Connection and Intimacy Deepen After Hard Seasons The throughline in their story: they came out the other side of their rough patches more connected, not more distant. The intimacy and depth in their relationship strengthened because they navigated hard things together. This reframes struggle as not something that breaks you, but something that builds you—if you stay on the same team. Key Frameworks & Ideas Attraction & Maturity: Real attraction in long-term relationships is rooted in witnessing growth, resilience, and transformation—not just physical appearance. Team vs. Opponents: The fundamental choice in rough patches is whether you're working together (team) or against each other (opponents). Values-Based Decision Making: Every major life change (quitting drinking, changing friends, shifting parenting approach) is rooted in clear values and vision. Seasons Not Episodes: Reframe rough patches as seasons that last months or years, not sitcom episodes that resolve in 30 minutes. Legacy = Values + Consistency: Legacy is built through consistent alignment with your values, compounded over time. Call-to-ActionThere is no CTA, this was a spur of the moment podcast conversation Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    46 min

  3. Jul 1

    After 10 Years Together, We Still Don't Know Each Other

    We just returned from a week-long family vacation in Mexico—rated an 8 out of 10 overall. But mid-vacation, we got into a significant conflict that revealed something critical: vacation doesn't fix your marriage; it reveals where you've stopped working on it. The fight started over a seemingly small moment—different expectations about how the day would unfold, miscommunication about Kristen's need for space, and Roger feeling abandoned while solo-parenting. It escalated into snappiness, blame, and reactivity. But instead of spiraling, they used tools they've been practicing to pause, take space, and actually repair. This episode is about what that conflict revealed, how they navigated it, and why couples after 10+ years together are still discovering new things about each other—and why that's a gift, not a failure. Key Insights & Talking Points 1. Vacation Reveals, Doesn't Fix Vacation doesn't make your marriage better; it shines a light on where you've stopped doing intentional work. Your guard goes down, your routines disappear, old patterns re-emerge. This is information, not failure. 2. "Different Stories of Reality" — The Game-Changer After 10 years together, Kristen and Roger still had completely different versions of what was happening. Roger's story: "I'm watching our daughter alone while my wife abandons me." Kristen's story: "I'm resting because I'm exhausted; he knows I'm not a water person." Neither story is wrong—they're just misaligned. Couples who can name this pattern stop blaming and start discovering. 3. The Assumption Trap Kristen assumed Roger knew she's not a water person and can't be in a pool for 6 hours straight. Roger assumed they'd plan the day together. Neither communicated. The lesson: after a decade, you're still learning. Don't assume—ask. 4. Pause Before Reacting When Roger found her asleep in the cabana, he got snappy instead of curious. When Kristen heard snappiness, she matched it. But they both paused before it escalated. The pause is where intentionality lives. 5. Space Isn't Avoidance; It's Regulation For Kristen (who wants to talk immediately), learning to give space feels unsafe. For Roger (who gets flooded), space is necessary for his nervous system to come back online. Both are valid. They trusted each other through the discomfort and re-engaged the next day aligned. 6. Containers Keep You Running, Not Coasting They normally do a spiritual practice together nightly (David Geum/Kabbalah work). On vacation, they stopped. That's when coasting began. Containers—structured co-learning practices, rituals, intentional time—are what keep couples running together in the same direction instead of drifting. Examples: 8 Money Dates, spiritual practices, couples therapy, date nights with intention. 7. The Work Never Stops People think milestones (getting married, having kids) will fix the relationship. The truth: there is no endpoint. You work on your marriage intentionally, every day. It's not a chore if you reframe it as being intentional about what you're creating together. 8. Conflict on Vacation = Permission, Not Catastrophe It's summer. Couples are traveling with kids, families, partners. Airports, road trips, heat, dysregulation—it all triggers old patterns. This episode is permission to see conflict as diagnostic (revealing), not catastrophic (relationship-ending). Key Frameworks & Ideas Different Stories of Reality: Long-term couples hold divergent narratives about the same shared experience. Naming this dissolves blame and creates curiosity. Containers vs. Coasting: Structured co-learning practices keep couples aligned and intentional. Without them, you drift. Pause, Space, Trust, Repair: The arc of moving from reactivity to intentionality in conflict. Attachment Styles Matter: Kristen wants immediate repair (protest behavior); Roger needs space to regulate (withdrawn behavior). Neither is wrong. Understanding each other's needs transforms the conflict. Call-to-Action End of episode CTA (read aloud by Roger or Kristen): "If something in this conversation resonated, share it with your partner and talk about it together. This summer, if you and your partner are traveling and conflict shows up, remember: it's not a sign your relationship is broken. It's a sign you need to come back to your intentional practices. And if you want to create a real container for alignment and discovery, check out 8 Money Dates—eight structured conversations to get on the same page emotionally and financially. Because running together is so much more pleasant than coasting. Subscribe and join us in the next episode." Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    25 min
  4. How 8 Dates Doubled Our Income & Our Intimacy

    Jun 17

    How 8 Dates Doubled Our Income & Our Intimacy

    Today's launch day for 8 Money Dates, and Kristen sits down with Roger—the man who lived this experience while she built it—to reveal what happens when couples turn money conversations into emotional breakthroughs. The episode opens with a story: Roger's friend came over to the house and literally offered to pay Kristen to design his dates. That moment crystallized a pattern Kristen had been noticing: men want to please their partners but feel dreadful about the logistics. Women want to feel pursued and seen. And when that need goes unmet, the dynamic shifts—she nags, he withdraws, and they're no longer running together. 8 Money Dates isn't a Pinterest board or a ChatGPT suggestion. It's an 8-date journey with a sequence and method—visionary, emotional, practical, and transformational. Roger went from skeptical ("Can talking about money actually be a date?") to all-in ("This is a no-brainer"). Kristen breaks down why money is the #1 predictor of divorce but also the biggest opportunity for aligned couples to exponentially grow their wealth, their connection, and their legacy. The conversation also covers who this is for (couples tired of surface-level dating, stuck on money conversations, ready to feel pursued and to lead), who it's not for (couples in crisis, needing therapy instead), and why you can't DIY this even if you wanted to. By the end, Roger shares what shifted: clarity, fun, deeper connection, and a level of intimacy that has nothing to do with logistics. KEY INSIGHTS & TALKING POINTS 1. The Pursuit-Avoidance Spiral Women want to feel pursued and seen. Men want to please their partners but don't know how. When women feel unseen, they nag more and become the pursuer. When men feel the weight of "figuring it out," they withdraw. This dynamic repeats until couples feel disconnected. 2. Men Are Literally Built Different (And That's OK) Men are more literal, practical, and solution-oriented. That's not a flaw—it just means they need a structure to tap into their desire to connect. Roger's skepticism turned to enthusiasm the moment he had a blueprint he could follow. 3. Money Is More Than Money Money is the #1 predictor of divorce. But when couples are aligned and running together on financial goals, they don't just fix the money problem—they exponentially grow their wealth, their sense of partnership, and their ability to build a real legacy. 4. The Difference Between Dates & Breakthroughs Surface-level dates keep the spark alive. 8 Money Dates is emotional architecture. The sequence matters. The vulnerability matters. The progression from visionary (emotional) to practical (clarity on numbers, budgets, goals) to transformation (acting together) is what shifts the dynamic. 5. Sexy Comes From Alignment Roger: "After we went through these dates, we just wanted to jump each other." Kristen: "You get on this high because you just connected on something that was always a struggle." Money mastery = intimacy. 6. Real Wealth Is Built in Small Moments Every couple that goes through this is choosing awareness over reaction, alignment over ego, growth over comfort. That's how you shift your family's trajectory. That's real wealth. FRAMEWORKS & IDEAS DISCUSSED The Dreadful Dichotomy Men experience date planning as dreadful because it requires: unique ideas, making each date meaningful, planning before/after activities, and perfectionism. This energy drain makes them want to pay instead of plan. The Pursuit-See-Lead Model For men: This is how you pursue your wife (she gets to feel chosen). For women: This is how you get your husband to initiate and lead (you get to feel seen). Both partners win. Aligned vs. Absent When buying a house or pursuing any big goal, couples either run together (both involved, on same page, moving at same pace) or one partner leads and the other is absent. Aligned couples move faster and build more wealth. The Visionary + Practical Combo First date (visionary): big-picture dreams, no judgment, just possibility. Most recent date (practical): spreadsheets, budgets, debt payoff plans, clarity. The combination = transformation. CALL-TO-ACTION If something in this conversation resonated, don't just think about it—buy 8 Money Dates. Share it with your partner. Be the first one to say, "Hey, I bought something really cool for us to experience and do it together." Plan that first date. Do it. This is how legacy is built: small, conscious moments where you choose awareness over reaction, alignment over ego, and growth over comfort. Every time you respond differently, you shift your entire family's trajectory. Subscribe to We Love Our Family But Damn so you never miss an episode on marriage, money, parenting, and real wealth. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    29 min
  5. Look At Your Bank Statement...That's What You And Your Partner Actually Value

    Jun 10

    Look At Your Bank Statement...That's What You And Your Partner Actually Value

    EPISODE SUMMARY: It's not the money. It's never been the money. When couples fight about finances, they're really fighting because they don't know what they each actually value—and they're not being honest about what their current choices reveal. This episode walks you through the uncomfortable, honest exercise that transforms couple finances: looking at your real spending patterns and getting clear on what you're embodying (not aspiring to). You'll also learn the Money Dashboard framework—a way to let both partners protect what matters to them without forcing alignment or building resentment. KEY INSIGHTS & TALKING POINTS: Values Are What You're Actually Doing, Not What You Aspire To Values are embodied, not theoretical. They're revealed through your actual behavior, choices, and spending—right now. Aspirations are dreams (becoming a millionaire, being more authentic). Values are the life you're currently living. Most couples don't even know their own values because they've never sat down and gotten honest about them. Your Bank Statement Is Your Values Mirror Pull your last 90 days of transactions. What patterns do you see? That's what you value. You can't argue with a bank statement. It's factual, unemotional data. Exercise: Use ChatGPT or Claude to analyze your spending and ask, "Based on my transactions, what do I actually value?" Most Couples Didn't Know What They Valued (And It Caused Friction) Before Kristen and Roger got clear on values, they "butted heads" constantly. They had competing, unstated values with no framework for understanding why they made different choices. The GPS metaphor: You can't reach a destination if you don't know where you're starting from. The Money Dashboard: Cut Back on What Doesn't Light You Up Imagine your money like a car dashboard with different dials. You each get to control where your money goes. Don't cut back on everything equally (that's deprivation mode and breeds resentment). Cut back on the stuff that doesn't light you up anyway. Protect the spending that lights each of you up. This removes shame and puts couples in agency mode instead of sacrifice mode. Autonomy + Curiosity = The Secret Sauce You don't have to share the same values to respect each other's. Respect over agreement. Roger doesn't value travel the way Kristen does, but he gets curious about her value. That's balance. It's not "you do your thing, I do mine." It's autonomy + companionship + curiosity about what matters to your partner. Values Change—And That's Okay (But You Have to Communicate) What you valued at 25 might not be what you value at 35. Have an annual couples retreat to check in: "What's changed? What do I not value anymore?" Don't let resentment build in silence. Name it when your values shift. Legacy Is Built Intentionally, Not by Coasting Most couples never get clear on values, so they drift, perform, or repeat patterns. When you understand your values, you reach your goals faster because you know where you're actually starting from. Real wealth isn't net worth—it's emotional security, unity at home, and building something your kids can stand on. KEY FRAMEWORKS DISCUSSED: Values vs. Aspirations: The difference between what you're doing right now and what you wish you were doing The Bank Statement Exercise: Pulling 90 days of transactions to identify patterns and reveal your real values The Money Dashboard: A visual metaphor for letting each partner control spending that aligns with their individual values The GPS Metaphor: You need to know where you're at (your values) before you can plan where you're going (your goals) Autonomy + Curiosity + Companionship: The three ingredients for couples with different values CALL TO ACTION: This episode is framework-level work. If you want to go deeper with your partner—really embody these principles and do the work together—check out the Marriage and Money course where Kristen breaks down the frameworks in detail, plus the 8 Money Dates (interactive, somatic couple experiences designed to help you do this work together). Pull up your bank statements, get curious, and have this conversation with your partner. Then share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. Legacy isn't built in one big decision—it's built in small, conscious moments, like this one. Subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    28 min
  6. The Secret My Mom Told Me to Keep From My Husband (And Why I Finally Told Him Everything)

    Jun 3

    The Secret My Mom Told Me to Keep From My Husband (And Why I Finally Told Him Everything)

    We're going there — Roger and I both committed financial infidelity against each other, at the same time, without fully realizing it. In this episode, we get real about the sports gambling Roger hid, the stock account my mom told me to keep secret, and why most financial secrets aren't about money at all — they're about fear, control, and inherited patterns. We also break down the His, Hers, Ours method we use to manage money as a couple — so you can have full transparency AND full autonomy at the same time.Episode Summary Money secrets don't always look like betrayal. Sometimes they look like a husband quietly managing all the household finances. Sometimes they look like a daughter keeping a stock account her mother set up — because her mother grew up in a time when women had no financial safety net of their own. In this episode, Kristen and Roger get completely transparent about their own history with financial infidelity — the sports gambling Roger hid for years, the stock account Kristen kept secret even after they got engaged, and the slow erosion of trust that happens when partners are financially invisible to each other. But this isn't just a confession episode. It's a roadmap. They break down the exact system they use — the His, Hers, Ours method — that lets couples maintain individual autonomy while building a fully transparent, financially unified partnership. And they share the real reason most couples hide money in the first place: it's never really about the money. Key Insights & Talking Points 1. Financial infidelity is broader than you think. It's not just secret accounts or hidden debt. Hiding the extent of spending, keeping a partner completely in the dark about household finances, or omitting accounts "that just sit there" — all of it counts. If your partner doesn't know about it, it's financial infidelity. 2. Most financial secrets are really fear in disguise. Roger hid his finances because keeping control made him feel safe — rooted in growing up watching his parents struggle with debt and bankruptcy. Kristen hid her stock account because her mother taught her to — a form of survival wisdom passed down from a generation when women couldn't financially protect themselves. Two completely different wounds. Same behavior. 3. The generational handoff of financial fear is real. Millions of women were taught to keep a "safety net" account hidden from their husbands. It wasn't manipulation — it was survival strategy in an era when women had no financial independence. But what protected your grandmother can quietly wall off your partnership today. 4. The His, Hers, Ours method: autonomy and transparency. You don't have to merge everything to have a healthy financial partnership — and you don't have to stay fully separate to maintain autonomy. The His, Hers, Ours system gives each partner a no-questions personal account, a shared household account for joint expenses, and a shared savings account for goals. The rule: full visibility into all three, even if you don't jointly control all three. 5. Financial transparency makes you a better spender. When Kristen opened everything up, something surprising happened — she became more conscious with her personal spending. Knowing you're on a team working toward a shared goal changes how you treat money. Accountability isn't restriction — it's integrity. 6. The closet of secrets is built one small thing at a time. Financial infidelity rarely starts with a huge betrayal. It starts with not feeling safe to share one small thing. Then another. Then your partner blows up about something minor and now you really don't share. That's how the wall gets built — slowly, quietly, one omission at a time. Frameworks Discussed The His, Hers, Ours Method: Ours Account — shared household expenses: mortgage/rent, groceries, utilities, family costs, joint savings goals His Account — personal spending, no explanation required Hers Account — personal spending, no explanation required The Non-Negotiable: full visibility into all three accounts, even the individual ones The $2,000 Rule: any single purchase over $2,000 requires a conversation first Contribution percentages are unique to each couple — 50/50 or proportional depending on income dynamics The Money Date: Regular scheduled conversations about finances designed to be low-pressure and even fun — the antidote to money conversations that always turn into arguments. Call to Action If this episode cracked something open for you and your partner, share it with them and talk about it together. That conversation you've been avoiding? This is your invitation. And if you're ready to go deeper, Kristen's Marriage and Money course walks you through every money dynamic covered in this episode — plus the exact frameworks for every couple situation. And Eight Money Dates is the fun, low-stakes way to start having these conversations without it turning into a fight. Links in the bio. Subscribe or follow so you never miss an episode. New episodes drop weekly — and we always go here. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    31 min
  7. What Most Couples Call "Being a Team" Is Actually Slowly Killing Their Relationship

    May 27

    What Most Couples Call "Being a Team" Is Actually Slowly Killing Their Relationship

    In this raw and surprisingly vulnerable episode, Kristen and Roger walk through something that just happened in their real lives: Kristen decided to back out of a wedding they had both RSVP’d to — and the ripple effects touched everything from friendship dynamics, to codependency patterns, to the legacy they’re building for their daughter Maya. What makes this episode different isn’t just the story — it’s the way they handled it. Rather than one partner guilting the other into going or staying home, they created a third option: honoring each other’s autonomy completely. Roger had the choice to attend the wedding. Kristen decided to stayed home with their daughter. No resentment, no covert contracts, no drama. That is, until the couple got unfriended — in real life — for it. This episode is a masterclass in what emotionally healthy relationships actually look like in practice, especially when they don’t look “normal” to everyone around you. * Saying “no” to an obligation is not breaking your word — it’s honoring yourself. Kristen unpacks how she used to self-sacrifice and then silently resent the person she “did it for.” Changing that pattern didn’t just protect her — it actually protected her relationships. * Codependency doesn’t look like what you think. It’s not just about toxic relationships. It’s the quiet habit of suppressing your own emotions, fixing your partner’s problems so YOU feel safe, and sacrificing yourself so often that resentment becomes the wallpaper of your marriage. * Covert contracts are the silent killers of relationships. Roger explains the concept from the book No More Mr. Nice Guy: when you do something you didn’t truly want to do, you unconsciously create a score sheet — and someone’s going to blow up when the tally doesn’t balance. * “Same team” doesn’t mean “same everything.” One of the most powerful reframes in this episode. The old version of same team: same friends, same decisions, same opinions. Their new version: respecting each other’s autonomy and staying connected anyway. * Every choice teaches your kids something. Kristen reflects on how staying in situations that dishonor her would model self-abandonment to their daughter. She describes feeling like she owes it to her entire mother line to break that cycle. * Grief is part of growth. When the friendship ended, they didn’t harden up or pretend it didn’t hurt. They sat in it. Inspired by the book The Coffee Bean by Damon West, Roger chose to let the hard thing transform him — not harden him, not soften him, but change him. Codependency — defined as self-sacrifice, focus on others’ needs, suppression of one’s own emotions, and attempting to fix/control others’ problems. Common in long-term marriages, often subconscious. Covert Contracts — (from No More Mr. Nice Guy) the invisible agreements you create in your own head when you say yes to things you don’t mean. You keep score. The other person never agreed to the contract. Eventually it blows. The Coffee Bean Framework — from The Coffee Bean by Damon West. When hard things happen, you can react like an egg (harden), a carrot (go limp and wallow), or a coffee bean (let the heat transform you into something new). Friendship Time — the idea that closeness in friendship isn’t just about chemistry or shared values — it’s built through accumulated one-on-one time. Group hangs dilute it. Without enough time, even promising friendships stay shallow. If this episode hit home — share it with your partner and talk about it together. When’s the last time one of you said yes to something just to keep the peace? What would it look like to honor each other’s “no”? Subscribe or follow We Love Our Family But Damn so you never miss an episode. Leave us a review if this kind of honest, real-life conversation is what you’ve been looking for. And reach out — we love hearing from couples who are doing the work. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

    32 min
  8. Why 'Just Trust Me' Doesn't Work in Marriage — And the CLEAR Method That Does

    May 20

    Why 'Just Trust Me' Doesn't Work in Marriage — And the CLEAR Method That Does

    If you've ever sat across from your partner during a money conversation and felt completely alone, this episode is for you. Kristen and Roger open up about one of the most common and most misunderstood conflicts in modern marriage: what happens when one partner is ready to invest and the other is terrified to. Using their own origin stories — Roger, the son of immigrant parents who grew up watching wealth from the outside and swore he'd take every risk necessary to get there; and Kristen, raised in a conservative middle-class home where debt was a four-letter word and safety meant living within your means — they trace the collision that happened when two completely different money lineages met in one marriage. They break down why these fights escalate so fast (hint: it's not about the investment), introduce Roger's practical CLEAR framework for talking about money without starting a war, and deliver a hot take that goes against almost everything you've heard from relationship experts: you don't have to be 100% aligned to have a thriving, passionate, harmonious relationship. In fact, for Kristen and Roger, learning to respect their differences is what actually deepened their love.Key Insights & Talking Points 1. The investment fight is a nervous system fight. When Roger would pitch an investment and Kristen would hesitate, he heard "I don't trust you." What she was actually communicating was "I don't feel safe." These are two very different conversations — and until you understand which one you're actually having, you'll never resolve it. 2. Your money mindset is inherited, not chosen. Roger grew up with immigrant parents in a rented house, watching his private school peers' families own homes and businesses. Kristen grew up middle class, raised by a father who paid every credit card in full and treated debt like a moral failing. Neither of them consciously chose their financial beliefs — they inherited them. And when those inherited systems collide in a marriage, someone's nervous system is going to go off. 3. "Just trust me" is not a strategy. Roger's early approach to investing conversations was one sentence and an expectation of immediate agreement. When Kristen pushed back — which was completely rational — he'd get defensive and interpret her questions as a vote of no-confidence. What he wasn't doing: giving her any context, explaining the investment, or addressing the risk. You cannot ask your partner to trust a decision you haven't let them understand. 4. The CLEAR Method — Roger's 5-step framework for money conversations that actually work: C — Connect to family goals: Don't lead with numbers. Lead with shared dreams. "This could pay for our kid's tuition" lands differently than "Bitcoin's up 40%." L — Lead with the risks: If you only pitch the upside, their nervous system fills in the downside. Give them best case, worst case, and most likely case. E — Explain it clearly: If you can't explain the investment so simply that a 5-year-old could follow it, you don't understand it well enough yet — and you probably shouldn't be investing in it. A — Ask what would make them feel safer: "What would help you feel better about this?" is a completely different energy than "Just trust me." R — Respect the no: If they're not ready, don't steamroll. Offer a smaller step. "Can we invest $500 and revisit in a month?" Small moves build big trust. 5. Disagreement creates polarity — and polarity creates attraction. One of the most counterintuitive things Kristen and Roger share is this: the more they stopped trying to force agreement, the better their relationship got. Not just functionally — physically, emotionally, all of it. Respecting each other as separate people with separate minds turned out to be the thing that made them more drawn to each other, not less. 6. Covert contracts are relationship poison. Roger introduces a concept from No More Mr. Nice Guy that explains so much friction in modern marriages: the covert contract. It's when you agree to something you don't actually want, silently expect something in return, never communicate that expectation, and then blow up when your partner doesn't fulfill a deal they didn't know they'd made. Sound familiar? The fix: say the thing out loud before you agree to anything.Frameworks Discussed The CLEAR Method (Roger): C–Connect to family goals / L–Lead with risks / E–Explain simply / A–Ask what makes them feel safe / R–Respect the no Covert Contracts from No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover Money Lineage: The idea that financial fears and behaviors aren't personal failures — they're inherited patterns from your family system The NBA Analogy for Autonomy: The NBA has shared values but every team — and every player — has their own identity. A marriage can operate the same way.Call to Action If this episode hit close to home, don't let it stay in your earbuds. Share it with your partner. Start the conversation. And if you're ready for the full roadmap — a structured, intimate way to talk about money together without it turning into a fight — Kristen's Money and Marriage course includes a full session dedicated to investment conversations, risk tolerance, and how to make money dates feel like connection instead of conflict. Follow the show so you never miss an episode, and if something resonated, leave a review — it helps more couples find us. Get full access to We Love Our Family...But Damn at bykristenlee.substack.com/subscribe

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A podcast about marriage, parenting, money, and the real conversations couples need to have when building a life together. From relationships and conflict to buying a home, navigating finances, and creating a strong family legacy, we talk honestly about what it takes to build a partnership — and a future — that actually lasts. bykristenlee.substack.com

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