School holidays have just started for Rhiannon and are halfway done for Alisha, and both houses are full of big feelings. Alisha shares a car-park standoff over a seatbelt and a tearful rescue of a dead moth; Rhiannon talks about a daughter who can't decide on shoes, a mum who can't decide on dinner, and a lift being drilled in the building at the exact wrong moment. It's the perfect setup for this week's topic: dysregulation. The hosts go back to basics with proper definitions. Dysregulation isn't a mood, a choice or "bad behaviour" — it's a nervous system that has lost its ability to get back to baseline after stress. They walk through the "window of tolerance," the difference between hyper-arousal (big, loud, fast, even giddy) and hypo-arousal (quiet, foggy, boneless, shut down), and the body and pattern signs that are easy to mistake for plain behaviour, like regression, increased stimming, appetite changes, sleep disruption and all-or-nothing thinking. Then they flip it around to what dysregulation looks like in adults — snapping, racing thoughts, jaw clenching, numbing out with a screen, being unable to decide what's for dinner — and how RSD, masking and sensory overload stack on top for neurodivergent parents. The second half is the practical part: what co-regulation actually is ("lending your regulated nervous system"), a step-by-step sequence for doing it, and what to do when you're the one who's dysregulated and there's no one to co-regulate you. What We Talk About in This Episode Why school holidays can bring more big feelings, not fewer, when a child who masks all day at school is no longer using up that energy Parenting without the authoritarian style you grew up with, and why that style can still creep back in when your tank is empty What dysregulation actually is: a physiological state, not a choice, and not "being bad" The window of tolerance, and why it can be smaller for neurodivergent brains Hyper-arousal in kids: meltdowns, lashing out, bolting, talking faster or non-stop, and giddiness or silliness that won't settle Hypo-arousal in kids: going quiet, zoning out, clumsiness, going limp, monosyllabic answers Body and pattern signs that get mistaken for behaviour: regression (baby talk, clinginess, forgetting how to dress), increased stimming, appetite changes, sleep disruption, and all-or-nothing thinking What dysregulation looks like in adults: snapping, racing thoughts, catastrophising, jaw clenching, shallow breathing, and the quieter version of checking out, scrolling and struggling to make simple decisions How RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria), masking and sensory overload layer on top for neurodivergent parents Why generic advice like "just take a breath" doesn't always work, and what can help instead (pressure, movement, removing sensory input first) What co-regulation actually means, and why self-regulation is the end goal rather than the starting point A step-by-step sequence: regulate yourself first, reduce your own output, connection before correction, and repair after rather than during What to do when you're the dysregulated one: self-soothing anchors and pre-planned "when I'm dysregulated, I will…" scripts Making a calm-moment craft project with your child: a box of cards with regulation ideas for both of you Why self-care that doesn't switch your brain off (like tidying) can quietly leave you running on empty Dysregulation as a skills gap or a capacity gap — "too much input, not enough resource left" — rather than defiance or manipulation Key Takeaways Dysregulation is a nervous system state, not a behaviour problem. You can't reason someone out of it — you have to help them feel safe first. Hyper-arousal isn't always a meltdown. Giddiness, non-stop talking and silliness that won't settle can be early signs that a child is heading toward overload, which gives you a chance to de-escalate earlier. Regression, clinginess, increased stimming, sleep changes and food refusal can all be stress signals, not attention-seeking or defiance. You can't co-regulate someone else from a dysregulated state. Coming back to your own window first — name it, breathe, unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, feet flat on the floor — comes before everything else. Connection before correction, and repair after, not during: save the lecture, consequences and teaching moment for when everyone is back in their window — and not every moment needs to become a teaching moment. Pre-planning helps. A little menu of 60-second, 5-minute and longer regulation options, written down in a calm moment, gives you something to reach for when you can't think. Who This Episode Is For Parents who are tired of hearing "just stay calm" when their own nervous system is already maxed out. Parents of kids who hold it together at school and fall apart at home. Anyone who grew up with authoritarian parenting and is trying to do it differently without a roadmap. And anyone who recognised themselves in the "I can run a business but I can't decide what's for dinner" description. A Message From This Episode You can't regulate your kid until you've found your own footing, and no one taught most of us how. Naming it out loud, taking a beat, and repairing afterwards isn't perfect parenting — it's a skill you're both learning, together. Try it once this week: name your dysregulation out loud before you react, and notice what happens. (This episode is general information and parenting experience shared by two parents, not clinical or medical advice. If you're concerned about your child's development or your own wellbeing, a GP, psychologist or occupational therapist can help.) Follow & Connect Instagram: @motherhoodunmaskedunfiltered Subscribe & Follow New episodes every Thursday. Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen, and follow @motherhoodunmaskedunfiltered on Instagram for clips, carousels and behind-the-scenes chaos.
