Not in My Bucket Podcast

Sarah Bentz
  • 5.0 (10)
  • Self-Improvement

Balance and boundaries are hard to establish in all areas of our life. Sarah Bentz uses Buckets to help make sense of what a good boundary and no boundaries look like. If you are looking for ways to make better sense of your life and how to protect your Bucket by setting limits and boundaries, this Podcast may be what you are looking for.

  1. 2d ago

    Buckets with Friends Part 3

    You can love someone with your whole heart and still not give them access to your soul. In the third episode of the buckets-with-friends series, Sarah gives you four more boundary-setting  steps to add to the three from last time (find where you lost your bucket, own only what belongs to you,  and examine the motives behind conflict). This episode is about putting those ideas into practice: how  to start small, how to let go of what's clouding your bucket, how to say no without a speech, and how to  spot the people who will keep breaking what you're trying to build.  4 MORE BOUNDARY-SETTING STEPS  1.Practice protecting your boundaries. Start small: "Let me check my calendar," or acknowledging  someone's feelings without taking them into your bucket. If you realize afterward that you should  have set a boundary, go back and set it. It's still a win, and writing it down helps it stick.  2.Forgive your bucket violators. Unforgiveness clouds your bucket like an uncleaned fish tank,  making it impossible to see clearly enough to set a boundary. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting,  going back to how things were, or showing up at the family reunion. It means choosing to stop  carrying it.  3.Set clear boundaries to inform. A boundary is you telling someone what you will and won't do.  You don't owe an explanation, and Sarah notes that people who push for a "why" are often the ones  who aren't respecting your no.  4.Avoid unsafe people. Not everyone has earned access to your bucket, including some people you  love.  TRAITS OF UNSAFE PEOPLE  Drawing from Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Sarah walks through a list of  traits to watch for. She also points out that weak boundaries on your own end can make you an unsafe  person to others, such as when you rescue or people-please instead of being honest.  • Think they have it all together, and won't admit weaknesses or faults  • Get defensive instead of staying open to feedback  • Are self-righteous instead of humble  • Only apologize, without changing their behavior  • Avoid their own problems (and expect others to pick up the pieces)  • Demand trust instead of earning it  • Blame others instead of taking responsibility  • Lie instead of telling the truth  • Don't grow, learn, or consider other perspectives  "Love can be unconditional, but access to us relationally cannot be."  — Sarah Bentz  MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR  • The fish tank analogy for what unforgiveness does to your ability to see clearly  • Why "I'm sorry" isn't enough, illustrated by Sarah asking her three-year-old grandson what exactly  he's sorry for  • The "counseling 101" reason Sarah avoids the word "why"  • Why you lock your doors before you leave on vacation, and what that says about earning trust  • The press board vs. cedar analogy for relationships where trust keeps breaking  RESOURCES MENTIONED  • Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. On telling the difference between safe and  unsafe people.  • Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Sarah's earlier recommendation, referenced  again here.  REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE  • What's one small boundary you could practice this week, and can you write it down?  • Is there a bucket violator you've been carrying unforgiveness toward? What would it look like to set it  down?  • Where are you over-explaining when you could simply inform?  • Looking at your target, who is sitting close to the center while showing several of these unsafe  traits?  COMING UP NEXT  One more episode on buckets with friends, focused on safe people. After that, Sarah moves into  buckets with family, just in time for the holidays. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, licensed counselor and owner of the Hope & Growth Center in Keller,  Texas, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.  This episode touches on trust, past relationship patterns, and self-worth. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it  may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  2. Oct 15

    Buckets with Friends Part 2

    You can't set a boundary with someone else until you know who you are — and most of us  skip that step.  Sarah picks up the buckets-with-friends series by sending you back to your target. Last time you drew it  and placed the people closest to you. This time, redraw it and put people where they actually belong.  But before you can decide where anyone belongs, she says, you have to do the harder work first:  figure out your own values, personality, and needs.  Along the way she shares what changed for her when she read Dare to Lead and explored the  Enneagram, how she protects the environment at her counseling center, and a story about the time she  unknowingly started imitating a friend she admired.  WHAT BELONGS IN YOUR BUCKET (THE THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL)  • Your environment. Where you spend your time and what you allow around you. If you don't drink, a  bar may not be the place to meet people; a library might be.  • What you are and aren't willing to do. Know your values and where you'll compromise (and where  it's a no-go) before you're in the relationship.  • What you have to give. Your schedule, your energy, your season of life. It's okay to say "Let me  check my calendar" instead of a reflexive yes.  • Your responsibility. Owning your part: showing up hungry and exhausted next to the person who  grates on you is on you, and so is wearing a mask instead of being authentic.  WHAT DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR BUCKET  • Someone else's expectations  • Someone else's opinions  • Someone else's responsibility  • Someone else's personality  Sarah explains that we often enter relationships a little empty, subconsciously hoping the other person  will fill in the blanks. It works at first, but it isn't their job, and it leads to absorbing their expectations,  opinions, and even their personality.  "They're just the cherry on the top. You are the substance."  — Sarah Bentz, on relationships of every kind WHERE TO BEGIN: 3 STEPS  1.Identify where you've lost control of your bucket. Go back to your target. With each person near  the center, ask: am I my true self with them, or walking on eggshells? Those you enjoy but can't  relax around can move further out.  2.Own only what belongs to you. In every relationship, even ones that went sour, there's something  to own. It might be as simple as having a hard conversation while jet-lagged and exhausted, then  blaming the other person.  3.Listen to your body. Your body is always signaling whether a situation feels safe. It only betrays  you when you ignore it.  MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR  • Sarah's story about the cable technician who emailed to say how peaceful her new office felt, proof  that you can control your environment even if you can't control who walks in  • The season she went back to school while working full time and consciously chose to give nothing  to new relationships  • How she spent years imitating a respected friend's personality, and the people who loved her  enough to nudge her back to herself  • Why she is skeptical of "ten ways to be a better friend" lists, and what she says to start with instead  RESOURCES MENTIONED  • Dare to Lead by Brené Brown. Includes values inventories; Sarah's group read it together and she  calls it a pivotal moment.  • The Enneagram. The nine-personality model Sarah found most helpful for understanding herself.  She also mentions Myers-Briggs and other assessments, and encourages you to find whichever  works for you.  REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE  • Do you know your values, your personality, and what you need in a typical week?  • Whose personality, opinions, or expectations have you been carrying in your bucket?  • With which people on your target are you not your authentic 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, licensed counselor and owner of the Hope & Growth Center in Keller,  Texas, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.  This episode touches on trust, past relationship patterns, and self-worth. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it  may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  3. Oct 2

    Buckets with Friends Part 1

    Most of us are still making friends the way we did in first grade — we just don't realize it.    Sarah kicks off a new stretch of episodes focused on boundaries in specific relationships, starting with  friendships. She traces how we pick friends at every age — siblings and family friends when we're little,  whoever sits next to us in elementary school, shared values in middle and high school — and how  college throws that whole system out the window, leaving most people with no real method for deciding  who belongs in their life and how close.  The core message: boundaries in friendship protect both people, keep you in control of your own  decisions, and only work if you actually know who you are first.  7 SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN NEW RELATIONSHIPS    1.Telling all. Sharing your full life story with someone before you know whether they're safe to hold it.  2.Falling in love with a new acquaintance. Not romantic love — a platonic infatuation that skips  past actually getting to know someone.  3.Acting on first sexual impulse. Letting physical intimacy come before the relationship has any  real foundation.  4.Going against personal values to please others. Compromising what you actually believe just to  keep someone around.  5.Not noticing when someone displays inappropriate boundaries. Making excuses for behavior  you'd never accept from yourself.  6.Letting others define your reality. Morphing into who someone else wants you to be so they'll like  you.  7.Spending more time meeting someone else's needs than your own. A pattern that shows up  fast when infatuation is driving the relationship.  "The reality is, you belong in the center circle. And you've got to protect you with  everything you've got."  — Sarah Bentz  THE TARGET EXERCISE    Sarah shares a tool she uses often in her counseling practice: draw a target, like an archery target, with  a small, high-value center circle and larger, lower-value rings around it. List every important person in  your life, then place them on the target based on how close they actually are — not how close you think  they should be.  The pattern she sees almost every time: the center and the ring right around it are packed with names,  there's barely room on the outer rings, and the person doing the exercise usually forgets to put  themselves on the target at all. The center circle belongs to you. Everyone else earns their way closer  over time — new people start on the outer edge, and only move inward as they prove themselves  trustworthy.  • New acquaintances start on the outer rings, not the center, no matter how much you like them  • A close family member isn't automatically entitled to the center circle if the relationship isn't safe  • Daily contact (like a coworker) doesn't equal closeness — frequency and depth are different things  • The closer someone sits to the center, the more expectations come with that placement, so start  slow  REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE    • If you drew your own target right now, is your center circle overcrowded?  • Did you remember to put yourself on the target at all?  • Is there someone close to your center who doesn't actually make you feel safe?  • Which of the 7 unhealthy patterns above sounds like how you've made friends in the past?  Sarah ties this back to the glass bucket from the last episode: when your center circle is full of other  people and there's no room for you, that's the sign you're standing outside your own bucket looking in.  COMING UP NEXT    This is the first of several episodes on friendship boundaries — Sarah continues the topic next time. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com   Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, licensed counselor and owner of the Hope & Growth Center in Keller,  Texas, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.  This episode touches on trust, past relationship patterns, and self-worth. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it  may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  4. Sep 18

    The Glass Bucket: Are You Living on the Outside of Your Own Boundaries?

    There's one more bucket, and it might be the one you're standing outside of right now,  looking in. After walking through the rescue bucket, the overloaded bucket, the collector's bucket, the trauma  bucket, the minnow bucket, and the sand bucket, Sarah introduces the final piece of the series: the  glass bucket. It's a real object on her shelf — a thick, slightly distorted antique glass ice bucket — and it  becomes the metaphor for what it looks like when you're carrying a bucket full of things that were never  yours to begin with.  This episode is less about a new violation and more about a gut check: which bucket do you actually  see when you look inside your own? Sarah walks back through each one to help you find it.  WHICH BUCKET DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK IN?  • The rescue bucket. You're carrying other people's responsibilities instead of your own, and you're  exhausted from it.  • The overloaded bucket. A pile of small yeses that added up to no room left for what actually  matters to you.  • The collector's bucket. Years of other people's opinions, expectations, and cares dumped in  without a lid, and you're barely keeping your head above it.  • The (very serious business) trauma bucket. What you see first when you look in is someone  else's actions toward you that were out of your control.  • The minnow bucket. Secret expectations you've never actually said out loud, so no one else has  had the chance to meet them.  • The sand bucket. The playful, light version Sarah says is the goal — a bucket that's actually yours  to enjoy.  SO WHAT IS THE GLASS BUCKET?  The glass bucket is what happens when you're standing outside your own boundaries, looking in at a  bucket full of stuff that isn't yours — and trying to protect all of it anyway. It's fragile by nature. Sarah  describes wrapping the real glass bucket in a towel before every presentation because it could shatter  if it's mishandled, and says our own boundaries work the same way when we're stretched thin  protecting things that were never ours to carry.  The glass is also slightly distorted — clear enough to see what's inside, but not crystal clear. Some of  what doesn't belong to you is obvious the moment you look. Other pieces take longer to recognize, and  Sarah notes those will keep coming into focus as the series moves into relationships, parenting, and  the workplace.  "As long as we have other people's stuff in our bucket, we cannot protect our  bucket. It's glass."  — Sarah Bentz REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE  • When you look into your own bucket right now, which one do you see first?  • What is the one thing in your bucket that, when you look at it, feels like a neon sign saying it has to  go?  • Whose responsibility have you been carrying, and how will you hand it back?  • What secret expectation have you been holding onto without ever saying it out loud?  Sarah's suggestion if this episode stirred something up: go back and re-listen to the earlier bucket  episodes, and consider bringing what you find to a counselor to work through.  BOOKS SARAH MENTIONS IN THIS EPISODE  Facing Codependence  by Pia Mellody  Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life  by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend  Sarah calls the Cloud and Townsend book part of the beginning of her own journey with boundaries,  having not grown up in a family where they were discussed or respected. Both titles are available in  updated editions with companion workbooks.  🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.   This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  5. Sep 4

    Bucket Violations, Part 2: 7 More Ways We Break Each Other's Boundaries

    Not every violation looks dramatic. Some look like a tickle you never asked for, or a decision about your own life that someone else made for you. Sarah is back with the second half of her bucket violations series, and this batch gets into territory  that's easy to miss because it hides in plain sight: being told not to cry, being touched without  permission, being cast as your spouse's parent instead of their partner, and having decisions about  your own religion, career, or relationships made for you long after you were old enough to make them  yourself.  Before diving in, Sarah takes a moment to thank the community — the show has now crossed 1,200  followers — and reminds listeners that these episodes aren't about keeping score or calling people out.  They're about noticing what belongs in your bucket, what doesn't, and where healing needs to start.  THE 7 BUCKET VIOLATIONS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE  1.Not being allowed to cry. Tears are the body's natural release — being told to stop only teaches  people to hide them.  2.Being tickled or touched without permission. From forced hugs to strangers touching a  pregnant belly, consent applies to touch of every kind.  3.Being forced into a role as parent to your spouse. When a partner leans on you the way a child  leans on a parent instead of showing up as an equal.  4.Being exposed to constant whining or pouting. Adult silent treatment and sulking used as a  manipulation tactic to get your way.  5.Being forced to stuff your feelings out of fear of violence, ridicule, or shame. Silencing  yourself because expressing an emotion has felt dangerous before.  6.Not being allowed to come and go at will. An adult being controlled — told who they can see,  where they can go, or when they're allowed to leave.  7.Having your life decided for you. Religion, career, marriage, or beliefs chosen on your behalf well  past the age you were capable of choosing yourself.  "Their feelings, their bucket. Your feelings, your bucket. It's your basic right to have  your own."— Sarah Bentz  MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR  • The "fruit snacks" test Sarah ran on her 3-year-old grandson — and what happened when she  acknowledged his disappointment instead of demanding he stop crying  • Why asking permission before a hug, tickle, or touch is about respect, not formality — including the  pregnant-belly example every mom-to-be will recognize  • The line between healthy concern and control when it comes to an adult partner coming and going  • How Sarah navigates the nuance of raising kids with your own beliefs while still letting them choose  their own path as adults  REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE  For each of the seven violations, Sarah suggests asking yourself:  • Have I experienced this — growing up, in a past relationship, or right now?  • Have I ever done this to someone else, even without realizing it?  And if you recognize yourself as the one doing the violating, Sarah's encouragement is the same  throughout: take a step back, own your own behavior, and consider working through it with a counselor  rather than carrying it forward.  A NOTE FROM SARAH  This wraps the full bucket violations series. Sarah's hope isn't for anyone to walk away pointing fingers,  but to start noticing which parts of their own bucket still need healing — and to let their boundaries  protect and empower them going forward. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.   This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  6. Aug 28

    Bucket Violations, Part 1: 7 Ways We Break Each Other's Boundaries

    You've probably done at least one of these without meaning to — and you've definitely had at least one done to you. In the last episode, Sarah talked about setting limits and how boundaries help define who we are. This  week she goes a layer deeper into the emotional side of that work: the specific, everyday ways our  emotional "buckets" get violated, often by people who love us and don't realize what they're doing.  Some of these will feel like your childhood. Some might feel like your marriage, your parenting, or your  last hard conversation.    Sarah walks through the first seven of fifteen total bucket violations, using stories from her own family,  her own marriage, and her counseling background to show how each one shows up and how to start  catching yourself before you pass it on.    THE 7 BUCKET VIOLATIONS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE  1."You shouldn't feel that way." Dismissing or shaming someone's feelings instead of simply acknowledging them.  2.Having your feelings ignored. Being brushed off, talked over, or shut down when you finally work up the courage to share how you feel.  3.Being threatened with abandonment. Using the fear of being left, kicked out, or divorced as leverage in an argument.  4.Being called names. Labels that get thrown into someone's bucket and quietly become part of their identity.  5.Having affection withheld. Using silence or coldness as punishment, which teaches love has to be earned.  6.Being exposed to uncontrolled rage or violence. Witnessing outbursts that rewire your sense of  safety, even when you're not the target.  7.Being told you're responsible for someone else's feelings. "You made me angry" versus  owning your own emotional reactions.    "Your feelings, your bucket. Their behavior, their bucket. Own your feelings first."  — Sarah Bentz    MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR  • Why a counselor never hands a crying client a tissue — and what that teaches about sitting with someone's emotions instead of stopping them  • Sarah's "Goombas" story: how she caught herself about to reach for name-calling as a parent and swapped in something harmless instead  • The difference between an "I statement" and a "you statement," and why swapping one for the other changes an entire conversation  • Why security and affection are basic human needs, not things anyone should have to earn back    REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE  As you listen, Sarah suggests sitting with two questions for each of the seven violations:  • Have I experienced this — in childhood, in a past relationship, or right now?  • Have I ever done this to someone else, even without meaning to?  Her suggestion: keep a literal or mental "bucket" labeled with the name of the person whose feelings,  behavior, or issues you've been carrying that were never yours to hold — and start putting things back where they belong.    COMING UP NEXT  Part 2 continues with eight more bucket violations. Subscribe so it lands in your feed as soon as it's out.  🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!  Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself"  t-shirt   👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here  Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets.   This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  7. Aug 14

    Defining Your Bucket

    In this episode, Sarah Bentz takes a deep dive into the practical mechanics of limit setting. Building on the previous conversation about the Minnow Bucket—and why secret expectations always backfire—Sarah shifts the focus toward personal identity: setting limits isn't just about saying "no," it is about clearly defining who you are and teaching others how to respect your individual space. Sarah unpacks the core mechanics of personal limits, explaining how our time, energy, and emotional bandwidth differ from everyone around us. She walks through the three universal truths of boundaries and breaks down the five common pitfalls that cause people to falter when trying to enforce their needs. Key Takeaways & Discussion Highlights Defining Your Unique DNA: Why every single bucket is specially designed for its owner—from marathon runners to quiet morning dwellers. The Core Elements of Limit Setting: Deciding for yourself how you wish to spend your time, devote your energy (your daily "spoons"), and protect your privacy independent of outside demands.   The Three Universal Truths of Limits: Limits are Individual: Yours will never look identical to someone else's. Limits are Fluid and Contextual: Why answering a client call at 1:00 AM differs from answering a child's emergency call. Limits are Grounded in Feelings: You cannot set or keep a boundary without doing the internal dive first. The "Boundary Muscle" Analogy: Why setting a limit often hurts at first—just like working out unused muscles after a long break. The 5 Boundary Pitfalls to Avoid Reinforcing What Bothers You: Accidentally rewarding people for imposing on you because you're trying to be polite. Attempting to "Out-Reason" Others: Giving endless reasons that invite people to negotiate or debate your boundaries. Relying on Excuses Instead of Honesty: Buying Tupperware or agreeing to plans simply because you couldn't manufacture a "good enough" excuse. Responding by Reacting: Waiting until an intrusion happens again to explode, rather than initiating a clear limit proactively. Engaging in a Rescue Operation: Setting limits out of a desire to control or fix someone else's bucket rather than protecting your own. Memorable Quotes "When we set limits, we're teaching somebody else how we want to be treated. We're saying, 'This is our bucket. This is how our bucket functions.'"  "When we use muscle in setting a limit, it hurts us because we're used to saying yes... But no pain, no gain. The more you use it, the less it hurts."  "Excuses allow us to avoid expressing our honest feelings... Honesty should always be the best policy."   Resources & Links Mentioned The Spoon Theory & Energy Management: Evaluating your daily bandwidth before taking on new tasks. Explore Counseling Services: Connect with trauma-informed resources and limit-setting workshops at the Hope & Growth Center. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature  "Stop shoulding on yourself"   t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com   Connect & Subscribe If you caught a "nugget" of truth from today's episode, take a quick moment to like, subscribe, and share this episode with a friend or family member! Let your boundaries protect and empower you until next time. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

  8. Jul 31

    The Minnow Bucket-Why Clear is Kind & Secret Expectations Fail

    We hit a massive milestone on the show this week—over 900 followers! I can't thank you enough for trusting us, sharing these episodes with your friends and family, and spreading the word about why setting healthy limits actually works. In this episode, Sarah introduces one of the most clever metaphors in her entire collection: The Minnow Bucket. Drawing from an antiquing adventure with her husband, Sarah breaks down what happens when we try to operate with "missing pieces" or rely on secret, unvoiced expectations in our relationships. Channeling wisdom from Brené Brown and child development expert Gary Landreth, this conversation is a masterclass in why clear communication isn't just helpful—it's the highest form of kindness. Key Takeaways & Discussion Highlights The $15 Antique Mystery: Sarah shares the backstory of finding a cute, vintage galvanized bucket—only to realize later it was an incomplete minnow bucket missing its outer shell. The Secret Mechanics of a Minnow Bucket: How the inner strainer bucket is designed to lift minnows out of the water so you aren't wildly chasing slimy bait. The Danger of "Secret Expectations": Why holding unvoiced deadlines or rules in your head guarantees frustration for both you and the people around you. "Clear is Kind": Leaning into Brené Brown's famous quote from Dare to Lead to reframe boundaries not as "mean" or aggressive, but as deeply compassionate. The Dishonesty of Vague Phrases: Why saying "Oh, anytime is fine, no rush!" when you secretly need an answer by Thursday night is actually dishonest. The "When You Choose..." Framework: Adapting play therapist Gary Landreth's "Cookie Theory" to give kids—and adults—clear choices paired directly with predictable consequences. Follow-Through Over Fluff: Why your words mean absolutely nothing if you don't back them up with consistent, repeatable action. Memorable Quotes "Clear is kind. What's not kind is to not be clear... Making it always the same response to the same behavior is kind." — Sarah Bentz "When we say 'it doesn't matter' when it really does, that's being dishonest. Let's be honest. Let's be clear. Let's be kind." — Sarah Bentz "Your words mean nothing without action. And it can't be one day you do one action and the next day you do a different action. It's always the same action." — Sarah Bentz   Resources & Links Mentioned Readings Referenced: Dare to Lead by Brené Brown Therapy Concepts: Gary Landreth's Play Therapy & Choice Language Framework Explore the Practice: Learn more about counseling services, workshops, and boundary resources at the Hope & Growth Center. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop holding secret expectations and start stating your limits clearly! Check out our official podcast store for hats, mugs, travel tumblers, and the fan-favorite ""Stop shoulding on yourself" " t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com   Connect & Subscribe If this episode helped you spot a hidden or vague expectation in your life, please take a second to like, subscribe, and leave us a review! Share this link with someone who needs a gentle reminder that being clear is the kindest thing they can do today. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

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Balance and boundaries are hard to establish in all areas of our life. Sarah Bentz uses Buckets to help make sense of what a good boundary and no boundaries look like. If you are looking for ways to make better sense of your life and how to protect your Bucket by setting limits and boundaries, this Podcast may be what you are looking for.

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