When someone dies by suicide, their life ends in that moment. But the impact of that decision does not. It moves through mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, spouses, friends, classmates, teachers, and entire communities. It changes birthdays, holidays, relationships, memories, and the future everyone thought they were going to have. In this deeply personal solo episode of S.O.S. Stories of Survivors, Serina Dansker opens up about the ripple effect of suicide and the loss of her 16-year-old son, Scott, who died by suicide on April 23, 2021. Beginning at Scott’s funeral, where nearly 800 people stood in the pouring rain to say goodbye, Serina reflects on something Scott could not see in his darkest moment: how deeply his life mattered. She remembers looking at the crowd and thinking over and over: Say something that keeps one kid from following Scott. Those words would eventually become part of the foundation for her book, her advocacy, and S.O.S. Stories of Survivors. Serina takes listeners back to the 1:07 a.m. knock on the door that divided her life into “before” and “after,” and speaks candidly about the complicated reality of suicide grief—the shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, unanswered questions, and endless replaying of conversations and memories. What did I miss? Should I have known? Could I have done something differently? Why didn’t he call me? She also shares one of the hardest lessons she has had to learn: Guilt is not the same thing as responsibility. Love alone cannot always overpower the distorted thinking created by severe emotional pain. Scott was loved deeply. He had family, friends, plans, support, and a future. Yet in one unbearable moment, he could no longer see another way forward. The episode also explores the often-overlooked grief of siblings and spouses. Scott was one of triplets, leaving his siblings, Jake and Lexi, to suddenly imagine a life in which there were no longer three. Serina reflects on trying to grieve her son while still being a mother to her surviving children, and on how two parents can experience the loss of the same child in completely different ways. Through it all, community became part of survival. Friends helped write Scott’s obituary. People brought food, sat beside the family, cried with them, laughed with them, remembered Scott, and simply showed up. And Serina learned that sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer a grieving person isn’t the perfect thing to say. It’s our presence. This episode also challenges us to look beyond the surface of someone’s behavior. Through Scott’s poem The True Me, Serina reflects on how quickly we label someone as difficult, angry, rebellious, dramatic, or withdrawn without asking what might be happening underneath. Sometimes anger is pain. Sometimes withdrawal is overwhelm. Sometimes the person making everyone laugh is hurting the most. Serina also speaks about the future that parents grieve after losing a child—the birthdays that never come, careers never pursued, relationships never formed, and the adult version of a child they will never get to meet. But she makes an important distinction: Scott’s death is part of his story. It is not Scott’s entire story. He was a son, brother, friend, Scout, writer, teenager, and a complicated, funny, imperfect, deeply loved human being. And while grief continues, so does life. Serina explains why she doesn’t believe in “moving on” from Scott. Instead, she chooses to move forward with him. His photographs come with her. His poetry comes with her. His lessons come with her. His love comes with her. And while her pain eventually became purpose, Serina is clear: purpose does not make the loss worth it. She would give back the book, the podcast, the speaking engagements, and every opportunity if the trade were having Scott walk through the front door again. Purpose isn’t compensation for loss. Purpose is what she chose to do because she could not change the loss. During Suicide Prevention Month, this episode is both a message to those struggling and a hand extended to those already living with suicide loss. If you are struggling, please stay. You do not have to solve your entire life today. Tell someone you’re not okay. Ask someone to stay with you. Let another person into your pain and give tomorrow the opportunity to look different. And to those left behind: you are allowed to survive. You are allowed to laugh again, travel, celebrate, love, and build a beautiful life while still desperately wishing the person you lost were here. Grief and gratitude can exist together. Sadness and laughter can exist together. Loss and love can exist together. If you or someone you know is struggling or experiencing a mental health crisis in the United States, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com. S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.
