Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

Perry Bulwer Misguided No More

In this series I imagine the soundtrack to a movie or TV show based on my memoir, Misguided: My Jesus Freak Life In A Doomsday Cult. https://perry-bulwer.blogspot.com/ perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  1. Jun 16

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Epilogue: Beware of the Kool-Aid Music featured in this post: What It Sounds Like – KPop Demon Hunters Things Have Changed – Bob Dylan Masters of War – Bob Dylan Teach Your Children Well – Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Old Before My Time – The Allman Brothers Band The epilogue in my memoir has two parts. In the first half I discuss the downfall of the Children of God/The Family cult. That discussion includes exposing numerous academic apologists who defended the cult over the years, thus enabling the widespread, systemic child abuse to continue for many years. That first half ends by detailing how second-generation survivors of that cult are responsible for rising up against their abusers and taking the cult down through their public activism and advocacy. They are the heroes of this story. In the second half of the epilogue, I bring my story full circle by comparing current world events to similar events I experienced as a teen in the 1960s and early 70s that caused me great existential angst, which contributed to me running away to “join” a cult. In the 1960s a new wave of cults presented a danger to young people like me. Today, there are more cults than ever, not just religious or spiritual, but groups of all kinds that have similar cult characteristics and use the same cult techniques identified by academics working in this field. I end the book with this warning: It’s too late for me, but let my story be a cautionary tale. Beware of blindly believing and being misled by persuasive proselytizers of all kinds. Don’t allow yourself and your children to be MISGUIDED. In 2009, Karen Zerby and Steve Kelly, the leaders of the Children of God/The Family cult after David Berg’s death in 1994, presented a paper at the 2009 Conference of the Center for Studies on New Religious Movements, hosted in Salt Lake City, Utah from June 11th to June 13th, 2009. The paper, entitled: “The Future of the Family International: Establishing a Culture of Innovation and Progress,” outlined organizational changes and evangelistic goals. It was Zerby’s first ever public appearance, however, it was a secret appearance that no one but the academic cult apologists behind that conference were aware of. That was yet another example of how those unethical academics protected the cult and its leaders. As The Salt Lake Tribune newspaper reported, Karen Zerby’s appearance at the conference was “her first-ever public address”.i After four decades living with Berg in hiding from enemies and followers alike, it isn’t surprising that Zerby wanted to keep her participation in the conference a secret until after it was over. It also isn’t surprising that they chose to present their paper at the Center for Studies on New Religious Movements conference rather than at a similar annual conference held by the International Cultic Studies Association. Professor Steven Kent described CESNUR as ... the highest profile lobbying and information group for controversial religions ... under the directorship of patent/trademark lawyer and independent scholar, Massimo Introvigne. A persistent critic of any national attempts to identify or curtail so-called ‘cults,’ Introvigne has spoken out against what he considers to be intolerance toward “minority religions,” especially in Belgium, France, and Germany. ... Many German and French officials working on issues related to religious ‘sects’ and human rights do not see CESNUR and Introvigne as neutral parties in the ongoing debates (a judgement that certainly flows both ways). Consequently, other people and organizations have damaged their reputations (rightly or wrongly) among these officials by associating too closely with CESNUR.”ii Some members of CESNUR, including Introvigne and another cofounder, J. Gordon Melton,iii have faced criticism for defending dangerous cults and downplaying their harms, or for maintaining financial or personal connections to organizations they are studying. ... Zerby and Kelly referred to the radical reversal of many of the Family’s doctrines, policies and practices as the Reboot.iv ... Gary Shepherd and Gordon Shepherd reported on those fundamental changes in their journal article, “Reboot of The Family International”.v The Shepherds are both professors of sociology who had studied and written about the Family for several years. Gary Shepherd was involved with his colleague Lawrence Lilliston in the Family-funded studyvi of 32 children that the group attempted to use as proof “that their child-rearing practices and the sexualized environment in which a generation was raised had no deleterious effects”.vii When Lilliston presented the study as evidence in the British custody case, Justice Ward said he couldn’t rely on its conclusions because it was too “superficial and [lacked] academic credibility”.viii That study, and another one by Shepherd and Lilliston were included in the Family-funded book edited by Melton and Lewis. ... ... [the Shepherds] provided details of the radical reorganization in their article, “Reboot of The Family International”, summarized in the opening paragraph: The changes [Zerby and Kelly] outlined presaged a transformation that shifted TFI from being a closely regulated, exclusive communal society requiring uniformity, high commitment levels, and collective decision making to becoming a loose, inclusive, and amorphous cyber community that emphasizes personal choice of individuals pursuing their own spiritual paths as ordinary citizens within the secular societies in which they reside. Virtually all the organizational and cultural structures of TFI were subsequently dissolved, and many previously accepted beliefs and practices modified, downgraded, or simply jettisoned, thus validating ‘‘The Reboot’’ label that TFI’s ‘‘Change Journey’’ had generated. ... all continuing apocalyptic or millennial movements eventually have to make adjustments in both their Endtime calculations and in their relationships to host societies and to the ways of the world. In the case of TFI, however, the latest adjustments or ‘‘revolution’’ we report here seem to push it almost to the threshold of dissolution. ...TFI could simply fade away altogether as a distinct organizational entity.ix In 2018, long-time Family spokesperson, Claire Borowik,x wrote an article published in Nova Religio that discusses the dramatic impact the Reboot had on the Family. Borowik reports that the Family’s core membership was less than 7000 members around the time the Reboot was announced in 2009. The Shepherds reported in their article that membership had dropped to 3,473 by the end of 2012. Borowik says that by 2018 there were only about 1,900 members, however, she also writes that most current members no longer consider the Family to be a group or a movement, so don’t think of themselves as members. She uses the term “affiliate” instead to describe them. Like the Shepherds, Borowik doesn’t have much hope for the Family’s continued existence. ... Borowik and some of her interviewees paint a pessimistic picture of the group in its death throes, essentially concluding that the Family has no future as an amorphous community connected only online. Zerby and Kelly intended the Reboot to be the Family’s road to the future, but it turned out to be a dead end. The ex-member community, especially those of the second generation, deserves a lot of credit for that ending. Like the academic cult apologists who discredit and denounce accounts by critical former members, Borowik blames them for making it impossible for the Family to whitewash its past, rewrite history and create a new public image for itself. Efforts to modernize and reinvent its public image were met with heightened public opposition in the early 2000s due to the development of three adversarial former member websites (exfamily.org, xfamily.org, and movingon.org), which rapidly gained prominence in search engine rankings of information featured about TFI. A murder/suicide in 2005 perpetrated by Karen Zerby’s estrang… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  2. Jun 15

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 22 – Everything Is Broken Music featured in this chapter: Insomnia – Faithless Everyone’ll Let You Down – The Philosopher Kings Save Me – Remy Zero Everything Is Broken – Bob Dylan (alternate version) In this chapter of my memoir I start by describing the psychotherapy I was eventually able to get after my complex PTSD diagnosis. I also discuss my descent into depression, poverty and homelessness as a result of my cult-related psychological breakdown. Reports of Ricky’s shocking tragedy spread quickly in the global survivor community before it hit the headlines. As I tried to make sense of the stunning news, my mind flashed back to Ricky’s last online message pleading for help to find justice and bring an end to the Family. When I first read it I didn’t think he was actually making a public appeal for people to join him in a murder plot. However, in his video he says that is exactly what he was referring to in that message. Ricky’s video was posted on one of the survivor sites soon after his suicide, but l hadn’t watched it yet when I went to my next session with the psychiatrist. She cautioned that watching it might have a negative effect on me. I knew it would increase my emotional turmoil, but I felt I had to face it full on if I ever hoped to heal. Now that I had finally started to examine my past, I couldn’t turn away from any part of it, no matter how dark, and Ricky’s video is very dark indeed. It was gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, mind-messing to realize that the 13 year old cloistered cult kid I chauffeured several times in Japan was deeply disturbed and suicidal at the time, and was now surrounded by weapons, expressing his mental torment and raging need for revenge. When that tragedy happened, I was still in the process of reading all the articles, documents, and survivor stories on the three websites. As I learned new information, and followed every conversation in the online forums, often discussing issues late into the night, it was emotionally shattering to see the full picture of the Family’s child abuse legacy emerge while putting the pieces together. Seeing things from the perspective of children raised in the cult helped me recognize the systemic abuses that affected all of them in one way or another. What started as background research for this memoir turned into a psychological crisis. After immersing myself every day in cult-related information from various sources — websites, books, academic journals, documentary films — I couldn’t turn my mind off at night, so was getting only about four or five hours of broken sleep. I began to dread going to bed, kept awake with incessant thoughts in my head. As my sleep decreased, my pain increased, eventually spreading throughout my body. I slowly became more anti-social and withdrawn, certain that no one in my family or social circles could understand what I was going through. Insomnia – Faithless Deep in the bosom of the gentle night Is when I search for the light Pick up my pen and start to write I struggle, I fight dark forces in the clear moonlight Without fear Insomnia I can't get no sleep I used to worry Thought I was going mad in a hurry Getting stressed, making excess mess in darkness No electricity, something's all over me, greasy Insomnia, please release me And let me dream of making mad love to my girl on the heath Tearing off tights with my teeth But there's no release, no peace I toss and turn without cease Like a curse, open my eyes and rise like yeast At least, a couple of weeks since I last slept, kept taking sleepers But now I keep myself pepped Deeper still, that night I write by candlelight, I find insight Fundamental movement, huh, so when it's black This insomniac, take an original tack Keep the beast in my nature under ceaseless attack I gets no sleep I can't get no sleep I need to sleep, I can't get no sleep While I waited for my turn in group therapy, I started weekly sessions with a psychologist, a recent graduate with limited clinical experience. Although she read all the psychiatrist’s detailed notes in my file, after a couple conversations it was clear she knew very little about the kinds of cult-related issues I was dealing with. So, I lent her Cults In Our Midst and a VHS video of the 1994 documentary, Children of God.i I was teaching her more than she was helping me. I had a more helpful experience with group therapy, which I started in the summer of 2005. The doctor leading it was one of Canada’s top PTSD specialists, Dr. Greg Passey, a former military psychiatrist recognized internationally for his trauma research and therapy work with UN peacekeeping forces who witnessed genocidal war crimes in Rwanda and Yugoslavia. Now in private practice, he worked primarily with military veterans, police and other emergency first responders. In weekly sessions, Dr. Passey taught us the basic psychological mechanisms of PTSD, and strategies for dealing with the symptoms. None of the other nine people were survivors of an abusive cult, although two of them were sexually abused by Catholic priests. But while we had different traumatic experiences, we all suffered many of the same symptoms. There was a strange comfort in talking to strangers. We helped each other see behaviours and attitudes we didn’t recognize in ourselves until we saw and heard them in each other. Although it wasn’t specifically cult recovery therapy, I began to recognize how much of my mental state and behaviour, both in the cult and after leaving, was caused by undiagnosed complex PTSD. That helped me understand my uncharacteristic reactions in certain situations, how they were connected to past experiences, how those experiences led to ill health, and why I was developing new symptoms after all these years. I found it helpful to understand my experiences in the Family as a spiritual variation of long-term domestic abuse causing battered wife syndrome, a subcategory of PTSD. After all, I had been a bride of Christ according to the Family’s version of bridal theology. I wrote an academic article on the cult’s bridal theology, which was published in the International Cultic Studies Association’s journal International Journal of Coercion, Abuse and Manipulation, Vol 8, 2025. A few months after Ricky’s murder-suicide, before I started group therapy, I travelled to Texas for a weekend conference with about twenty second generation survivors from around the U.S., Canada and Europe. I was one of two former first generation members who were invited. The conference was organized by Julia McNeil,ii who created the Moving On website in 2001 as a safe space for second generation survivors of the Family to find resources, tell their stories, and offer mutual moral support. Over 5000 of Julia’s peers participated on the site. Knowing personally how difficult it was for anyone raised in a socially isolated cult to create a new life after leaving with few resources, little education and no support, Julia helped establish Safe Passage Foundation (SPF),iii in 2003 to assist to those in need. The conference was a brainstorming session on ways to raise awareness of SPF’s work. I couldn’t provide financial assistance to SPF, but I could be an advocate by corroborating the stories of abuse survivors and helping to amplify their voices that some scholars attempted to silence. By now I was aware that there was a division among academics who study groups like the Family.iv One crucial difference is that some accept cult survivor stories as relevant evidence of harms caused by high demand groups, while others doubt, dispute or downplay their claims of abuse. The differences between those two camps are reflected in two academic journals, Cultic Studies Reviewv and Nova Religio.vi The latter refers to “new religious movements”, a term some scholars prefer as it avoids negative connotations associated with the word ‘cult’. I first learned of those academic disputesvii by reading the book Misunderstanding Cults: Searching for Objectivit… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  3. Jun 11

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 21 – Tragedy of the Chosen One Sensitivity Warning: this article contains graphic discussions of child abuse, murder and suicide. Music featured in this chapter: 21st Century Breakdown – Green Day I’m Gonna Get Me a Gun – Cat Stevens Janie’s Got a Gun – Aerosmith In this chapter of my memoir the first half describes in detail my psychological breakdown after I began investigating my cult past, my search for mental health help, and the psychiatric assessment and treatment I received. In the midst of that assessment, I heard horrific news that Ricky Rodriguez, the son of Children of God/The Family cult leader, Karen Zerby, had murdered her assistant who had been one of his childhood abusers, in a failed plan to kill his mother. He then killed himself. The second half of this chapter tells Ricky’s story. Thirteen years after leaving the Family in 1991, I finally began to dig up my buried past and examine the skeleton in my closet. Discovering the whole awful truth behind the lie I had lived so many years was self-shattering. Unlike losing my religion, which relieved me of dogma induced existential anxiety and set my mind free, this examination left me feeling shackled with shame as I read shocking, heart-breaking accounts of child abuse on three survivor websites.i ii iii Those personal testimonies from around the world confirmed the abuses I had seen, and revealed many others I was unaware of or blind to while I was in the Family. I also learned about new policies and doctrines developed by Karen Zerby and Steven Kelly after Berg’s death that continued to subject children and teens to various forms of abuse. Having discarded my religious blinders, it disturbed me to now see things from the perspective of people raised in the group. Re-evaluating Family life from a child’s point of viewiv made me realize that what they had experienced was not a righteous life, but was in fact systemic, institutionalized child abuse. Most children in the Family suffered more than one of the following forms of abuse: * religious indoctrination that denied them freedom of thought and freedom of religion, which includes the right to be free from religion; * isolation from society; * separation from parents, siblings and other relatives; * educational neglect and intellectual abuse; * medical neglect; * child labour and financial exploitation; * sexual coercion, exploitation, assault and rape; * cruel corporal punishment and extreme physical abuse; * emotional and psychological abuse, and * spiritual abuse and threats. In some cases the abuse was tantamount to torture. ... As I awakened to the fact that the Family had harmed a generation of children, and continued to do so, I was determined to understand how I ended up in a harmful cult led by a narcissistic, alcoholic,v racist,vi anti-semitic,vii abusive, incestuous pedophile.viii Why did it take me so long to recognize the abuse I saw and experienced? Why was it so difficult to leave? What specific effects did that life have on me? I had many more questions, so started reading academic books and articles on the subject. The first, Cults In Our Midst,ix a comprehensive study of a variety of harmful high demand groups, provided many helpful insights. Although that book has only two brief references to the Children of God, I recognized elements of my own story on almost every page. After comparing my personal experiences in the Family to the various characteristics associated with joining, living in, and leaving cults, I could see very clearly exactly how I was indoctrinated, manipulated and exploited. I was beginning to understand some of the psychological processes that kept me ignorant and blind to much of the abuse, and why I didn’t recognize it for what it was until I saw in person Merry’s torture, which shocked me out of my stupor and prompted me to leave the Family. The final chapter in that book, “Recovery: Coming Out of the Pseudopersonality”, was especially helpful for understanding the difficulties I had recovering from my life in the Family. My thoughts, behaviours and experiences after I left finally began to make sense to me. ... In November [2004, after being diagnosed with PTSD], while waiting for my turn in the group therapy program, which had a long waiting list, I started weekly one-hour sessions with a psychiatrist in VGH’s psychiatric outpatient clinic. It took two months to tell her my entire story, which I had never fully told anyone before. She took copious notes in each session, barely keeping up as the words poured out of me. Occasionally, she would stop my free-flowing, detailed narrative to clarify some point, but otherwise allowed me to talk uninterrupted. During those two months, I was continuing to learn shocking things about the Family. I was particularly distressed hearing about numerous suicides of people I had lived with, or knew of through Family publications. Sadly, similar tragedies were still occurring. In one of my sessions with the psychiatrist in December, I told her about another suicide of a young man that happened just a few days earlier. I knew Abex as a child. I lived briefly with his mother when I was in Japan in 1974. Like me, she had joined as a young teen and was among the first Japanese members. When I returned to Japan in the 1980s, she had three children and they were all living at the Heavenly City School during one of my stints there. Abe had been out of the cult four years when he ended his life. Just a few weeks later, in January 2005, a murder-suicide made headlines around the world. The horrific tragedy made a mockery of the Family’s claims that they had the ideal environment for raising children. Karen Zerby’s son, Ricky, knifed to death her assistant, his former nanny, then shot himself in the head. The shocking news had a similar emotional effect on me as the homicide-suicide involving my two uncles thirty-nine years earlier. Fortunately, I was still seeing the psychiatrist so had someone to talk to about it. 21st Century Breakdown – Green Day 21st century breakdown I once was lost, but never was found I think I'm losin' what's left of my mind To the 20th century deadline I swallowed my pride and I choked on my faith I've given my heart and my soul I've broken my fingers and lied through my teeth The pillar of damage control I've been to the edge and I've thrown the bouquet (Hey) Of flowers left over the grave I sat in the waiting room wasting my time And waiting for Judgment Day Ricky Rodriguez,xi known in the Family as Davidito, was Karen Zerby’s son. His father was a hotel employee in Tenerife who wasn’t in the Family. Ricky was the first Jesus Baby,xii a child born of the sexual proselytizing practice, Flirty Fishing. He was chosen and groomed by Berg to be the princely heir to his spiritual kingdom who would lead the Family with his mother during the final years before Jesus returned. Just as [David] Berg claimed to be the fulfillment of biblical prophecies that refer to a prophet David in the endtime, he claimed that Zerby and Ricky were the two witnesses described in Revelation chapter 11, prophets with supernatural powers who would fight the Antichrist in the last days.xiii Zerby and her childcare assistant, Sara,xiv documented every aspect of Ricky’s childhood, along with his half sister, Techi,xv and Sara’s daughter, Davida,xvi who he regarded as his sister. Explicit descriptions of their indoctrinated, highly controlled, sexualized lives in Berg’s securely secluded household were published as “The Story of Davidito”,xvii which became the authoritative child training manual for Family parents. As a teenager, Ricky had a normal reaction to his abnormal childhood in the Family. He rebelled. He grew increasingly resentful of how he and his sisters were raised: not allowed to be children; isolated from other children; unable to plan their own free futures; subjected to spiritual threats and cruel corporal punishment; and encouraged or coerced to engage in sexual activity. Ricky came to understand how… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  4. Jun 10

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 20 – Law and Disorder Music featured in this chapter: Who Are You – The Who Finding Myself – Haley Klinkhammer You Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Breakdown – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Pandora’s Box – MARINA Where In The World? – Gavin Friday In this chapter of my memoir I discuss my awkward transition from my cult life to my ordinary life. I kept my complicated past a secret, but there were odd things about me. When I eventually made friends at university, I knew they gossiped about some of my oddities. For example, I had almost no furniture in my bachelor apartment, and my only source of music was my TV. That I wasn’t familiar with certain musicians or musical references, and I had no sound system, was particularly odd to my new friends because they knew how much I liked music, which was something we bonded over. Losing my religion freed me from the Family’s groupthink mindset. Having repudiated my religious identity, I needed to create a new secular one, but to do that I had to know myself first. University was an ideal place for that. Exposure to different ideas, opinions and perspectives helped me discover my own mind and how I viewed the world now that I no longer believed it was doomed to end soon. Campus life also offered many opportunities to resocialize after years of separation from society. While I was getting to know my true self for the first time and creating a new persona, I was hesitant to reveal my past to people. Although I felt unwhole with half of my life hidden from others, I feared they would judge the new me if they knew my old self. I did attempt to tell two people in separate conversations, by awkwardly blurting out that I had been in a cult, but neither responded and asked me to explain. I never mentioned it again to them, or to anyone else. I found it difficult to unravel the complicated story of my strange Jesus freak life and understand it myself, let alone briefly explain it to someone else. It was easier to simply tell people I had been an English teacher working and travelling in Asia for a decade. My cover story was at least partly true, and helped me account for my ignorance when someone referred to some aspect of popular culture that I was unaware of. Who Are You – The Who I know there's a place you walked Where love falls from the trees My heart is like a broken cup I only feel right on my knees I spit out like a sewer hole Yet still receive your kiss How can I measure up to anyone now After such a love as this? Well, who are you? Oh, tell me, who are you? Oh, I really wanna know Tell me, tell me, who are you? Come on, come on, who? Oh, who the f**k are you? Who are you? Oh, tell me, who are you? Finding Myself – Haley Klinkhammer Who am I today It seems to change all the time One minute I will be me Only to change into who the world wants me to be Cause how can I live up to the expectations of this place And when will I speak up And say that I’m not sure of where I’m heading To all of you who have told me that I’ll make it one day Sometimes I’m not so sure Sometimes I run away from it Sometimes I lose myself I’m a stranger to me Why’s it gotta be that the hardest thing for me Is the fact that life’s so hard to read The uncertainty It makes me crazy To the point where I can’t sleep And while I find myself in this life Just bear with me as I try To find where I fit in In this sea of different places There’s so many choices to make How can I make the right one With all these thoughts running through my head But even through all the doubt I’m gonna find myself In this chapter I also discuss how I began to self-medicate with cannabis to deal with symptoms related to my undiagnosed complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which at first was primarily regular migraines. Cannabis not only greatly reduced the frequency and severity of migraines, but even after I started to use it daily after my first year at university, I maintained straight As in every course over four years. Cannabis was also a social lubricant that helped me make some friends while at university. Soon after returning to Canada I began smoking cannabis again, but once my studies started I only used it on weekends to help me relax. During the first year, I noticed that migraines often occurred on a Friday, so seemed to be caused by cumulative stress from studying and working. Knowing that cannabis reduced my stress, I wondered if daily use might prevent them. I had straight As in every course that first year, and wanted to maintain that success. At the time there was a fear-based drug prohibition campaign, “Just Say No”, that depicted a brain on drugs as a fried egg. That propaganda scare tactic seemed absurd to me, but the disinformation effectively created enough doubt that I worried using cannabis daily might dumb me down by diminishing my cognitive skills. I was desperate for relief, though, so I experimented with two small joints each evening after all my homework was done. Over time, I noticed that the frequency of my migraines reduced to less than once a month. Cannabis also seemed to improve my intellectual creativity by opening doors of perception when reflecting on my studies afterwards. I often gained insights and made connections I hadn’t considered in class. Far from dumbing me down, disciplined daily use of cannabis had no negative effect on my cognition. For the next three years I continued to get straight As in every course, and had the highest grade point average in the program. Awarded the Liberal Studies medal for high academic achievement, I graduated with distinction.i Cannabis was also a social lubricant that made it easier to meet like-minded people. A co-worker at one of my campus jobs welcomed me into her social circle of mostly married couples around my age. They all smoked cannabis too, so I was soon hanging out at their homes, going to house parties and pubs, and even to three out-of-town concerts to see Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, and Steve Winwood. It had taken over two years after leaving the Family before I finally met people I could relate to on some level and be comfortable socializing with. While I was glad to be a little less lonely now, I didn’t let them in on my secret past, so they stayed superficial acquaintances rather than intimate friends. I desired deeper relationships, but my inability to be trusting and truthful hindered my search for authentic intimacy. You Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers People come, people go Some grow young, some grow cold I woke up in between A memory and a dream But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud You don't know how it feels You don't know how it feels to be me In the next part of this chapter I discuss my move to Vancouver to attend Simon Fraser University’s teacher training program. I intended to become a high school teacher, but I dropped out in the second semester. I then became politically active as an anti-prohibition activist living in a constant state of civil disobedience, consuming cannabis I illegally grew myself. I also became an advocate for street drug users and sex workers in my neighbourhood being preyed on by a serial killer. That activism led me to law school at the University of British Columbia. For a couple of my law courses I wrote legal essays arguing that in the face of a public health emergency the provincial government had a legal duty to open supervised drug consumption clinics to prevent overdoses and the spread of disease. Those essays were used in the fight to establish Insiteii in Vancouver’s downtown East Side, which opened and began saving lives in 2003. It was North America’s first official supervised drug consumption clinic, and it has saved thousands of lives. It is one of my proudest contributions to public health and human rights in my short-lived legal career. After describing that legal career, I tell the story of my first a… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  5. Jun 10

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 19 – Losing My Religion Music featured in this chapter: Life Is a Highway – Tom Cochrane The River, Mother Nature & Me – Jenny Lester Ordinary World – Duran Duran On the Road to Find Out – Cat Stevens Redemption Song – Bob Marley Losing My Religion – R.E.M. It took me many years to write my memoir. The manuscript underwent many major changes until I finally had a draft I was satisfied enough with to send to publishers. And the contract I eventually signed with an independent publisher required me to cut 50,000 words from my manuscript. So, quite a few anecdotes didn’t make the cut. One of those anecdotes happened a few days after I returned to Port Alberni for good. In hindsight, I think it would’ve been better if I had kept that particular story, as yet again another song had a profound effect on me. This chapter in my memoir opens with me dazed and confused after my plan to rescue Wings in Japan failed, and I made my escape back to Port Alberni. I had a secret past and an unknown future. My family was as surprised as I was that I had returned to Canada just two weeks after leaving. They knew almost nothing about my life in the Family, so I didn’t explain the real reason I had flown across the Pacific three times in less than a month. Still dazed by this development, I just told them that Japanese border agents denied me entry for trying to smuggle Bibles into the country. I ignored or deflected any questions about my past or why I left the group. They soon stopped asking. I was staying with my mum, and my sister Crystal was living there too with her two young boys. A few days after arriving there to stay I borrowed Crystal’s car and went to visit my uncle, who I refer to as uncle G. in my memoir. It had been over 11 years since I had last smoked cannabis, so I got very high that evening. On the short drive home a song came on the radio that stopped me in my tracks, literally. Just as I had done the first time I heard Dylan’s Gotta Serve Somebody while driving, I pulled over and stopped to listen to Tom Cochrane’s Life Is A Highway. But that song had the opposite effect of Dylan’s song, which had led me back to the cult, a story told in chapters 1 and Chapter 11 in this series: My indoctrinated cult world view had been all about the destination: the end of the world, then heaven. Everything was aimed at that, nothing else mattered. Now having left the cult I was aimless, unsure of what came next, but Cochrane’s song enlightened me with the concept that life is a journey, not a destination. I still get chills every time I hear this song. Life Is a Highway – Tom Cochrane Life's like a road that you travel on When there's one day here and the next day gone Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand Sometimes you turn your back to the wind There's a world outside every darkened door Where blues won't haunt you anymore Where brave are free and lovers soar Come ride with me to the distant shore We won't hesitate To break down the garden gate There's not much time left today Life is a highway I wanna ride it all night long If you're going my way I wanna drive it all night long Through all these cities and all these towns It's in my blood, and it's all around I love you now like I loved you then This is the road, and these are the hands From Mozambique to those Memphis nights The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights Knock me down and back up again You're in my blood; I'm not a lonely man There's no load I can't hold A road so rough this I know I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors Another anecdote I had to cut described how during that year in Port Alberni before starting university, I spent countless hours sitting on the bank of a river contemplating my past and trying to imagine my future. It was very soothing to sit by a stream and allow a stream of consciousness to flow through my mind. The River, Mother Nature & Me – Jenny Lester Sitting on rocks down by the river Feeling the powers that be You can howl at the moon, wade the deep water There's no place that I'd rather be Just the river, Mother Nature and me If your heart needs healing go down to the river And quietly sit on the shore You'll feel her run through you to mend and renew you You'll feel life like never before My old life and persona was gone. I was no longer one of God’s elite endtime soldiers who would rule heaven on earth (or in the moon? see chapter 17) with Jesus for a thousand years. I had to create an entirely new life for myself from scratch, and it was a scary prospect. I would have to learn how to survive in the ordinary world as an ordinary man. Finding a job in Port Alberni was very difficult in the midst of a recession and high unemployment rate. To account for the past twelve years since my last job in Canada, I padded my thin resume by claiming I spent those years in Asia as an English teacher and staff member at an international boarding school for children of missionaries. But without higher education and credentials it was difficult to find a job where those experiences were useful. ... ... I thought I could simply start my life over from scratch with a clean slate, so had tried to move on by focusing on my education and ignoring issues related to my life in the Family. I learned the hard way it doesn’t work like that. The past doesn’t stay buried. Certain memories haunted me, so I knew I had to eventually acknowledge and deal with my old life. I was too busy trying to overcome 20 lost years and create a new life to do that, though. Putting it off inevitably led to my breakdown. Ordinary World – Duran Duran What has happened to it all? Crazy, some'd say Where is the life that I recognize? (Gone away) But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world Somehow, I have to find And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive What is happening to me? Crazy, some'd say Where is my friend when I need you most? (Gone away) Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed Fear today, forgot tomorrow Ooh, here beside the news of holy war and holy need Ours is just a little sorrowed talk And I don't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world Somehow, I have to find And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive Most of this chapter in my memoir is about my university education that I began exactly a year after I escaped the cult, which helped me deconstruct the dogma I was indoctrinated with, and eventually led to losing my religion completely. Through a series of fortunate incidents I realized a university education would be the best thing I could do at that point. On the Road to Find Out – Cat Stevens Well I left my happy home To see what I could find out I left my folk and friends With the aim to clear my mind out Well, I hit the rowdy road And many kinds I met there Many stories told me Of the way to get there So on and on I go The seconds tick the time out There’s so much left to know And I’m on the road to find out Well in the end I’ll know But on the way I wonder Through descending snow And through the frost and thunder I listen to the wind come howl Telling me I have to hurry I listen to the Robin’s song Saying not to worry Then I found myself alone Hoping someone would miss me Thinking about my home And the last woman to kiss me (kiss me) But sometimes you have to moan When nothing seems to suit ya' But nevertheless, you know You’re locked towards the future Then I found my head one day When I wasn’t even trying And here I have to say ’Cause there is no use in lying (Lying) Yes the answer lies within So why not take a look now? Kick out the devil’s sin, pick up Pick up a good book now So on and on I go The seconds tick the time out There’s so much left to know And I’m on the road to find out A note about that Cat Stevens song, where he says “pick up a good book now”. Many of his songs have references to God and spirituality, even before his conversion to Islam. The lyrics I found for this song ref… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  6. Jun 9

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 18 – Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Music featured in this chapter: Losing My Religion – R.E.M. Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash Birthday – The Beatles Leaving on a Jet Plane – John Denver This chapter of my memoir continues where chapter 17 left off, when I secretly listened to the R.E.M. song Losing My Religion while at the Heavenly City School cult compound in Japan. It was an “aha moment”, when in a state of spiritual turmoil I realized I no longer believed David Berg was a prophet. Although that R.E.M. song was a turning point for me, I remained a believer in God and did not lose all my religious beliefs until I was in university and used that education to deconstruct those beliefs. So, this chapter is not titled after that song, but another that describes the dilemma I was in. Instead, Losing My Religion is the title of the next chapter, where I describe that educational process. The following excerpt is from the end of chapter 17 and the beginning of chapter 18. ... All my doubts came to a head when I returned to Japan in 1991. Although members had to write regular reports revealing not just their activities, but their state of mind, I now knew better than to expose my true thoughts and feelings. I kept my inner turmoil to myself, choosing my confessions carefully, like I had done as a child in the Catholic confession booth. However, some of my angst spilled out occasionally in angry outbursts and quarrels over petty things with co-workers. That forbidden behaviour was very uncharacteristic of me, so I was as surprised as they were when I did that. I wasn’t happy, and it was getting harder to hide behind a smile. One day, I suddenly realized what was happening to me. Like most members, I had a portable cassette player for listening to Family music. Mine, which I purchased in Hong Kong, also had a radio. Most worldly music was forbidden, so at first I self-censored and only listened to the radio for news reports. But now I began to covertly listen to pop music on an American Forces Network radio station while I walked around the HCS compound for exercise. I placed a Family music cassette in the player to conceal what I was really listening to in case anyone asked. It wasn’t unusual for me to interpret a song’s lyrics as a divine message directly applicable to my own life. That’s what happened in 1979 after I first heard Dylan’s song, “Gotta Serve Somebody”, which prompted me to return to serving God in the Family. Now, another rock song stopped me in my tracks like that one did, only it led me in the opposite direction. When I heard “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M., I finally realized that’s what was happening to me. ... When I heard R.E.M.’s song “Losing My Religion” on the radio in the spring of 1991 it was a current hit so got regular airplay. Each time I heard it, I was mesmerized by the introspective lyrics that reflected my inner turmoil and spiritual confusion. I understood now that I was starting to lose my religion. Months of soul searching, questioning, and doubting Berg’s biblical interpretations and bizarre spiritual fantasies finally led to the realization that, like the song described, I was a blinded fool and the life I was living was just a fanciful dream. Awakening from a dream can be disorienting. I was confused, unsure of what I believed anymore. I had lost faith in Berg’s prophetic power and could no longer disregard my doubts and concerns. I wasn’t renouncing all Christian dogma, but my faith in the Family’s fundamentalist belief system had collapsed, undermined by facts I could no longer ignore. Totally losing my religion would be a longer process over a few years. Losing My Religion – R.E.M. That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losin' my religion Tryin' to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no, I've said too much I haven't said enough Every whisper Of every waking hour I'm choosin' my confessions Tryin' to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool, fool Oh no, I've said too much I set it up Consider this, the slip That brought me to my knees, failed What if all these fantasies come Flailing around? Now, I've said too much But that was just a dream Try, cry, why try? That was just a dream After hearing that R.E.M. song I began plotting my escape from the cult. However, after my plan was in progress and I had deceived the leaders into paying for a round-trip flight back to Canada on false pretences, I fell in love with a Japanese member, Wings, who had a 5 year-old daughter. I now had a difficult dilemma: I wanted to leave the cult, but I also wanted to rescue Wings and her daughter from that abusive environment. Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash Should I stay, or should I go now?If I go, there will be troubleAnd if I stay, it will be doubleSo come on and let me know This indecision’s bugging me (Esta indecisión me molesta)If you don’t want me, set me free (Si no me quieres, librarme)Exactly whom I’m supposed to be (Dígame que tengo ser)Don’t you know which clothes even fit me? (Sabes que ropa me “quedrá”?)Come on and let me know (Me tienes que decir)Should I cool it, or should I blow? (Me debo ir o quedarme?) My flight to Canada had already been booked before I could work out a way to rescue Wings and her daughter. I arrived at my parents home in late August 1991, close to my birthday. With my return flight to Japan pre-booked, my dilemma came to ahead and I was forced to make a decision: either remain in Canada or return to Japan to rescue Wings from the cult. I knew I couldn’t stay in an indecisive state of limbo for long. I had to choose one life or another, each with certain obstacles and uncertain futures. This time there was no song, movie, scripture or other sign directing my path. Instead, in my unstable state of mind, I made a rash decision based on my emotional overreaction to an innocent comment at an extended family gathering. My birthday is in September, so initially I thought it was an all-in-one welcome home/birthday/farewell celebration on my behalf. I was surprised when almost all of my mum’s relatives came, as I wasn’t close to many of them. But there was another purpose for the party. My mum and aunt told me later in the evening that they used the occasion to plan a family reunion that their brother would come to. My uncle had recently been diagnosed with advanced cancer, and they thought this would be the last chance to get all nine siblings together. They knew he would be reluctant to attend a reunion focused on him, so a party for me was the perfect reason to convince him to come. I realized that some had probably only come for his sake, and in my highly sensitive, emotional mood I couldn’t help feeling slightly used. In that moment I felt as alienated from my real family as I was from my spiritual family. The only thing I was certain of was my love for Wings. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. My birthday party in mum’s backyard Birthday – The Beatles They say it's your birthday We're gonna have a good time I'm glad it's your birthday Happy birthday to you Love is a powerful motivator. I had long acted out of a misguided, fearful love for God. Now the fear of missing a rare opportunity to share genuine mutual love was moving me. Re-establishing my life in Canada would always remain an option, but I had only one chance to return to Japan and be with Wings. I knew I wouldn’t get another one if I didn’t use my prepaid return ticket. I didn’t know her real name and had no independent way to contact her without going through the Family. If I didn’t return to Japan now I would never know if I could’ve successfully rescued her and Joy, and created a new family with them. So, I decided to return, not to remain in the Family, but to persuade Wings to leave it with me. My plan was to return to the HCS and push the leaders for permission to legally marry Wings. I knew other foreign members lived in Japan on spousal visas, so I thought they might approve that. It was an a… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  7. Jun 9

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 17 – Heavenly Lunacy Music featured in this chapter: Strange Brew – Cream Everybody gets to go to the Moon – The Three Degrees Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osbourne Man On The Moon – R.E.M. This chapter in my memoir starts with my return to the Heavenly City School (HCS) in Japan in early 1991, after the horrific child abuse I witnessed in Macau. Top leaders at the HCS were developing new abusive programs to reinforce the indoctrination of children and teens. Those programs were then spread to communes around the world. After my experiences in Macau, I was beginning to examine my doubts about David Berg rather than repress them. My own doubts were growing while I too kept smiling. I couldn’t forget what I had seen in Macau, or another memory that had resurfaced since then. A few years earlier, I heard that a 13-year-old boy, Martin, had committed suicide. He and his mother lived in the same Tokyo home as Rachelle and I before we moved to Beijing. Hezekiah, who supervised that home at the time, told me that Martin had hung himself, and his mother had taken his body back to Europe. Martin’s suicide had been hushed up, so Hezekiah cautioned me not to talk about it. When I heard that news, I was shocked and confused. Much like I had with my uncle’s apparent suicide when I was 10, I struggled to comprehend what could’ve pushed the child to take his own life. I couldn’t, so I boxed that tragedy in the back of my mind with other troubling thoughts about problematic practices and disagreeable doctrines. But now, unable to put out of mind the abusive treatment of teens I witnessed in Macau, I reconsidered Martin’s suicide in the context of the extreme indoctrination and discipline used to control Family children. I suspected that’s what pushed him to end his life. I was finally waking up to the fact that inflicting severe spiritual threats and corporal punishments on vulnerable minors who knew no other life caused them greater psychological harm than the manipulations and chastisements I and other adults experienced. The hypocritically harsh, authoritarian leadership of the Family of Love, under Berg and Zerby’s direct dictatorial control, was more mean-spirited and malevolent now than when I had left the Children of God in 1976. I was also questioning some of Berg’s bizarre spiritual doctrines, as well as doubt that specific end-time events would soon happen the way he predicted. Berg was a Pentecostalist and Spiritualist. He believed in a spirit world afterlife where the dead interact and communicate with the living. Many of Berg’s letters describe supposed spirit trips where he leaves his body, travels in the spirit to some other location or dimension, including heaven, and interacts with the spirits of biblical, historical, mythical and even fictional characters. He claimed many of them were his spirit helpers who delivered direct messages to him from God through. Many of Berg’s letters also describe and analyze his dreams. Citing Acts 2:17, which describes the day of Pentecost when Jesus’ first followers were filled with the Holy Spirit, he claimed his dreams were messages from God. A typical dream was one he called “Strange Truths”i in which he and some followers were drinking crystal clear water springing from a rock. When the water suddenly became filled with tiny, strange creatures, Berg told them it was still safe and nourishing to drink. He analyzed the dream as a metaphor. The rock was God, the water was God’s word, and the strange creatures were Berg’s unique biblical interpretations and and extra-biblical doctrines. Since Berg’s strange truths came from the same source as the Bible, he interpreted, they were equivalent to the word of God. In fact, Berg’s truths were fictions. Although I swallowed several, I regarded some of his spiritually bizarre beliefs and extreme sexual doctrines as extra-biblical theological theories, so not necessarily meant to be taken literally the way I understood the Bible. Applying that approach to the more troubling Mo Letters made it easier to rationalize, or ignore and store in my compartmentalized mind some of Berg’s strangest truths. Strange Brew – Cream Strange brew Killing what's inside of you [He's] a witch of trouble in electric blue In [his] own mad mind, [he's] in love with you With you Now, what you gonna do? [He's] some kind of demon messin' in the glue If you don't watch out, it'll stick to you To you What kind of fool are you? Strange brew Killing what's inside of you I believed Berg was the end-time prophet, so I did take his prophecies predicting the imminent second coming literally because they were tied directly to many eschatological scriptures scattered throughout the Bible foretelling specific end-time events. Some seemed already fulfilled, which made it easier to accept and believe Berg’s divinations of the end of the world. I was blinded by the belief that we were in the biblical end-time and doomsday was near. Believing that Jesus was coming back in 1993, I had put aside doubts about uncomfortable, questionable aspects of his dogma, hoping all would be revealed after the Resurrection. But one belief I wasn’t blind to was the prophet’s preposterous claim that heaven is inside the moon. I was certain that couldn’t be true, and not just because there is no biblical basis for it. ... ... Berg’s heavenly lunacy required an even greater leap of faith to believe after he published “The Moon and the Hidden City” in 1985. He said it was “the most shocking revelation that I have ever received”.ii He declared that the Biblical heavenly city is actually inside the moon. It was perhaps Berg’s strangest ‘truth’ yet, so strange that he acknowledged it would be hard for his followers to believe and some would think he had “finally lost his mind”.iii In light of his moon theory, he was more of a lunatic than all the people he claimed were insane. In various Mo Letters previous to that revelation, Berg expounded on his original Space City spirit trip.iv He interpreted the measurements of the holy city provided in Revelation 21 as describing a multi-level pyramid shaped city. Berg gave very specific descriptions to the artists creating posters of his heavenly vision,v which went far beyond the Bible’s description. He claimed, for example, that the entire city is enclosed within a crystal sphere, although the Bible makes no mention of that. While thinking about that crystal sphere, Berg wondered how its size compared to the moon. He did some ad hoc calculations and concluded that the sphere was slightly smaller than the moon. Suddenly, it occurred to him that the sphere, with the city inside it, could fit within the moon. Seeking scriptural confirmation, he found every biblical reference to the moon and unconvincingly twisted his interpretation of them to fit his theory. But Berg was convinced, confidently declaring, without a doubt, that heaven is inside the moon. Everybody gets to go to the Moon – The Three Degrees Everybody gets to go to the moon Everybody’s got to go in a weird white suit Now don’t you think it’s a miracle That we’re the generation that’s going To one day populate the moon And that’s going to be fun And it’s got to make you glad to be alive Yes it’s got to make you proud to be alive Everybody’s going to the moon Berg not only believed that the moon is hollow and holding a hidden, heavenly city of gold, but that the earth “is also merely a hollow empty shell surrounding the Bottomless Pit & the Lake of Fire”, in other words, hell. He explained that the moon and the earth are different sizes because: “There are so many more people going to Hell than to Heaven! There has to be a lot more room for them in the heart of the Earth!”vi Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osbourne Bark at the Moon Hahahahaha Howling in shadows Living in a lunar spell He finds his heaven Spewing from the mouth of hell Bark at the Moon Hey yeah, bark at the Moon In two related letters,vii viii Berg addresses discrepancies brought to his atten… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  8. Jun 8

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 16 – The Exorcism of Merry Trigger Warning – this chapter describes in detail extremely disturbing religious child abuse, including a violent exorcism. Music featured in this chapter: Tainted Love – Soft Cell This chapter of my memoir concerns Merry Berg, the granddaughter of cult leader David Berg. Her horrific treatment by her grandfather and the other adults in his inner circle was published in great detail as a warning and spiritual threat, especially to teens. Merry’s abuse was used as the model for dealing with other so-called delinquent, disobedient teens. I have left out of this excerpt some of the most disturbing details of Merry’s abuse, which a British judge would later come to describe as torture. Soon after my divorce from Rachelle was finalized in May 1989, James and Sweetie relayed an order for me to move to a secret World Services unit in Hong Kong. ...No one spoke to me about the work they were doing. I wasn’t trusted enough to be involved directly, ... Everything I did could easily have been done by one of the others, which made me wonder why I was really there. Manipulative secrecy, information provided only on a need to know basis, and the ask no questions mindset made it impossible for me to know the real reason. In hindsight, I suspect it may have been to maintain complete control over me, at least temporarily, after Berg’s team had recruited Rachelle. I had less freedom there than when I lived in communist China. As Berg bluntly put it, WS members were virtual prisoners under house arrest... ... After nearly a year in Hong Kong, I moved to Macau in 1990. It had been five years since I lived in the translation home there. Ho’s compound on the outer island of Coloane now had around 70 people. About half were children and teens, many without their parents. ... ... I soon realized that some of the teens were segregated from the others. They were under a separate, restricted regime and didn’t participate in activities with others in the commune. … … Seeing up-close how closely controlled they were under Michael’s harsh command, I realized they were being punished with hard labour. Eventually, after chatting with my teen helpers, and overhearing conversations, I learned disturbing details of other ways those teens were being mistreated. Their physical and psychological punishments included being confined in closets or attics, forced fasting, speech restriction, spiritual threats, and brutal beatings with a wooden paddle. Although I knew that Family children and teens were subjected to harsh spankings, usually with an instrument of some sort, I had never witnessed such beatings, and wasn’t aware of those other forms of cruel corporal and emotional punishments. I didn’t doubt they were happening though, especially after I saw two teen girls subjected to forced silence and public shaming by wearing signs around their necks instructing people not speak to them because they were forbidden to talk. One of those girls was Amber, an exuberant red-head I knew from a couple years earlier when I lived with her and her parents, Ezra and Ginny, in the Tokyo office. The other teen was Berg’s granddaughter, Merry Jolene Berg,i known in the Family as Mene. She was the daughter of Berg’s oldest son, Paul, who everyone knew as Aaron.ii … In 1973, when Merry was one year old, her father Aaron committed suicide by jumping off a cliff in the French Alps. At the time of his death Family members were told it was ruled an accident, but many years later Merry’s mother, Aaron’s second wife, revealed on an internet forum for exmembers that after Aaron died she read his suicide note and sent it to Berg.iii In her early years, Merry was shuffled between her mother and her grandmother, Jane Berg,iv before becoming a child performer with the Music With Meaning radio troupe. She moved to her grandfather’s home when she was 11. A few years after that, in a fit of rage directed at 14-year-old Merry, Berg told her: “Your father Aaron was insane! If it hadn’t been for the Lord, he would have jumped off the cliff a long time before that...”. His acknowledgement of his son’s suicide appeared in a Mo Letter entitled “The Last State – The Dangers of Demonism”,v which describes a violent exorcism Merry endured at the hands of her grandfather. The title refers to a passage in Luke chapter 11 where Jesus is depicted casting out devils from people, and warns them not to allow the evil spirit to return, or they will end up in a worse state than before. The letter’s cover illustration shows a young girl using a broom to chase off a flying demon, and several shadowy demons surrounding her as she sleeps. The introduction explains that Merry’s minders had previously subjected her to five exorcisms in the span of two months, attempting to expel the evil spirits they said she had sinfully succumbed to. When that didn’t have the desired effect on her behaviour, Berg stepped in to conduct another exorcism himself. His co-leaders Zerby and Kelly participated, as did Sara and Alfred,vi longtime members of Berg’s staff who supervised Merry and the other children. Most of the letter is a transcript of the exorcism. It started the moment Merry came into the room where the adults were gathered. Berg hugged and kissed her, asked her how she was, then suddenly started speaking in tongues, grabbed her head with both hands and violently shook her. As Berg described it, he “yanked it around and back and forth and side ways to side ways by my hands until I was afraid I was going to yank her head off or break her neck! God was so angry.... And then I hauled off and slapped her I don’t know how many times tonight, hard, right?”vii After violently shaking her for a full minute, he told her to look at him, slapped her face and began rebuking the Devil. Merry repeated each line of his prayer commanding Satan to leave her. He then slapped her again, pushed her into a chair and began a fierce rant interspersed with repeated prayers and threats. Berg berated and spiritually condemned Merry for a couple hours, and threatened to physically beat the demons out of her. He showed her a wooden rod, told her to feel how heavy it was, then made her bend over and whacked her with it, warning that next time it would be much harder, but on her bare buttocks. The vicious verbal violence and spiritual threats Berg spat at Merry was fairly typical of his rants when he was speaking about his perceived enemies, but it was shocking to read such vitriolic language directed at his 14-year-old granddaughter, on top of the physical violence he inflicted on her. That’s why Berg published the letter with those details. He intended it as a dreadful warning, especially to teens, not to doubt, disobey, disrespect, question, or criticize their parents or leaders, which apparently were Merry’s sins. … … Throughout his tyrannical tirade, Berg demonized Merry by claiming she was involved with witchcraft and satanism, and possessed by devils that she deviously let back in after each exorcism. He repeatedly equated demon possession to mental illness, warning her that she would go insane and end up in a mental hospital if she didn’t repent and change. Berg not only told Merry that her father was insane, but that other close relatives were too, including her mother, her grandmother Jane, and her aunt Deborah, Berg’s first child.viii It’s not surprising that Berg claimed those people were mentally ill. Each of them had intimate knowledge of his immoral personal life, and had criticized or disobeyed him. Labelling them and othersix as insane and possessed was a tactic to discredit them, which was why Merry was facing the same accusations. She had honestly disclosed her true feelings and thoughts, including criticisms of her grandfather, in daily reportsx the children were required to write. The adults who read her diary probably considered her honest criticisms of Berg’s behaviour her worst sin of all. ... … In August 1987, several months after the e… This is a public episode. 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In this series I imagine the soundtrack to a movie or TV show based on my memoir, Misguided: My Jesus Freak Life In A Doomsday Cult. https://perry-bulwer.blogspot.com/ perrybulwer344598.substack.com

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