The Ambo

Timothy Quigley
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A Catholic survivor of clergy sexual abuse sharing prayer, art, culture, and humor. ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

Episodes

  1. Oct 11

    Sunday Reflection with Timothy & Karolina

    Tune in next Sunday and every Sunday for our live show, now starting at 3pm! Send us your questions! Feedback and direct messages are always welcome. Karolina and I live on alms given in expiation for the sins of the Church. Mail us at:PO Box 554Kalamazoo, MI 49077 PayPal: @TimothyShawnQuigleyVenmo: @timotheodicy If you would like to reach out to me or Karolina, or assist the mission in a bigger way, or just give us your two cents, you can email us at timotheodicy@gmail.com. Peace✌️ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    Sunday Reflection with Timothy & Karolina

  2. Oct 9

    Failure is not an option. It’s a necessity.

    Hello friends, it’s Timothy. I’m back. I’m okay. Karolina and I have been cared for by our good Father, often through the hands and feet of the Body of Christ that include many of you. We were truly blown away by the response that we received last week. It wasn’t a huge amount of money, but it was a huge amount of charity. Some dollar amounts were greater than others, but the grace was abundant from the love we felt in the response. To receive so many small gifts from people we don’t know yet. To receive so many messages of encouragement. To discover that there is a community here, a family here, one quite distinct from the people who used to be our community, who used to be our family. (In fact, since last week’s appeal for help, I don’t think anything came from our former community in Lancaster. We really are transitioning to the next phase of this.) This support was especially a blessing for me because I have been trying to cling to feeling gratitude, and it is a hard thing to do while you’re in the middle of grieving. And I have been grieving. Your charity has allowed me to enter more fully into the mourning that I needed to go through. I have been back in Kalamazoo two weeks, although it feels more like two days. I have been silent. I have been praying. I have been puzzled. I have been depressed. In my body, in my soul. I haven’t felt safe in a long time, learning the hard way how to find safety in trusting in God, and not in my feelings or any of the other things that we all use as shortcuts to assure ourselves that we’re safe. I feel safer today though, safe enough to be so vulnerable as this. My 3-week trip to Lancaster was good, even if it sucked. I connected with a few people. One dear longtime friend let me stay at their house. I spent some time and had pizza with a couple friends who let me use their laundry. One friend even invited me over for dinner with their family. I spent time with my Pop-Pop, who’s also my godfather. The gratitude I feel to those who showed me mercy on my trip to my hometown is immense, and I am burdened only by the thought of how much I feel in their debt. So, thank you. I carry you in my heart. Otherwise, this trip was a failure. No question. I didn’t even know why I was going out there initially, but the call in prayer was clear. Karolina and I both discerned that we were called to temporarily split up on this mission. And it got to be a really good time for us to be in solidarity with each other without having each other. Our phone calls just got progressively longer as the days went on. For her, she had to be alone in a new place, managing the day-to-day on her own, feeding the cats and emptying their litter for 22 days straight. And now I’m back and she never has to do it ever again! For me, this was the first time that I was truly alone in Lancaster since I came to terms with the truth of my history. I didn’t even go out there with a plan, not even the money to get back, so that added to the feeling of being marooned on a hostile island. I was back within and among my community but not a part of it. It felt like I was walking among the ruins of lives past, all the ghosts still walking around. A friend and prominent parishioner at Saint Joe’s died the day before I left for Lancaster. I got to attend her funeral, which was very special. Just a whole collection of emotions spanning my relationship with Saint Joseph’s. Faces I had not seen in many years, alongside new faces, with the priest who married Karolina and me, and the bishop, and the bishop emeritus, the whole requiem felt so comprehensive, and the tears flowed naturally. I had a lot of hope in those first few days of being back there. I saw God at work, but I saw the devil too. I will share more soon. I know I have been saying that for quite a while, but I have been waiting, hopeful and patient, naively so, I admit. I have been waiting and holding back because I have been hoping to reconcile with people, to talk with them about how we tell the story honestly without having to air anyone’s dirty laundry. How do I tell the truth of my journey honestly when the people I love and care about act so s****y? What do I do when I make the effort to speak to them, to meet with them, “please talk to me”, “let’s do counseling”, but they ignore me or reject me? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to say, “Oh well, guess I’m not free to tell my story. They’ve boxed me into a corner where I can’t say anything because that would be the sin of detraction against that priest or that friend, or I’ll be condemned for dishonoring my mother and father.”? Help me help you! Y’all acting like the story ain’t still being written. So that’s what I’ve been wrestling with. You can’t give anyone a good ending. You start with acknowledging the wounds, feeling the pain, mourning the loss, until you come to a place where, in freedom, you can forgive from your heart. This is the place I have arrived at with everyone in my life, alive and dead, even him. So then, upon forgiving, you give others the opportunity to forgive you back, apologize to you, giving both of you the opportunity to reconcile, which is what I would want anyone in my life to extend to me. But if they don’t want it, you can’t force it. Love has to be willing. September, already a month dedicated to Our Lady of Sorrows, really was a time for me to dive in to divine sorrow, into this mystery. I imagine the great sorrow for both Mary and Jesus was that they loved so completely and purely that they out-loved everyone they knew. I imagine that can get pretty lonely. There’s also the sorrow of watching someone you care about choose judgment instead of mercy and knowing that they will reap what they have sown, that the measure they have given is the measure they will receive. This is true whether you choose to be merciful, or choose to be judgmental. That’s what makes me sad. There’s no vindictiveness here; no resentment; no schadenfreude. There’s no room for any of that s**t in the heart of God. I think very little of the world. I would never dare think little of any person. Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how many times I yearned to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you were unwilling! Behold, your house will be abandoned. But I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.” -Luke 13:34-35 Oh Jesus, you’re so dramatic! You know, some people have accused me of being super sensitive? This isn’t news to me. Like, I’m developing acne along my tear line. I’ve been told I’m sensitive for as long as I can remember. I used to hate the descriptor as a boy when I was trying to act tough. You know who else was a sensitive man? Jesus. Have you read, in John 17, how much he gushes over the people his Father gave him? That same heart that could carry a lot of sorrow could also carry a lot of gratitude. He deeply loved the people he knew. He was a very sensitive man. His love was always moving outward, toward others. Total gift of self. Perhaps as a child, a sensitive heart might be tied up with a delicate ego, but I have found it tends to be the opposite among adults. The most insensitive hearts tend to have the most delicate egos. We all know that person in our lives (or on the political stage), the one who projects toughness and gets easily offended at perceived insults. A fixation on Mammon will exacerbate that. Why, I personally have offended a number of good wealthy Christians because I have assured them that it is better to give than to receive. They, in turn, have assured me that they are indeed charitable people, it’s just not to people like me. At their judgment, when Jesus says, “I was hungry and you gave me no food; I was homeless and you gave me no shelter” they’re banking on getting into the kingdom with: “But I need you to understand! I give away thousands of dollars every month! Just not to you.” Child, please. Let’s read 1 Corinthians 13. You’ve all heard it by now, certainly if you’ve ever been to a wedding. If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. -1 Corinthians 13:1-8a Saint Paul continues, talking about putting away childish things, but then you also have Jesus saying we won’t enter the kingdom unless we become like children, like in Matthew 18. How’s that work? Maybe it’s a difference between being childish and being childlike. What is that difference? I don’t know. Might have to sit down and read Matthew 18 to figure it out. One thing it leaves me asking myself is: how tender is my heart? Does it love the way a child loves, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things? Does my heart break for others? When does it grow cold and hard? It is heartbreaking to discover which hearts that your heart breaks for don’t break for you. As for me, I bear all of these hardships willingly. I’m a big believer in the love of long-suffering. I have got a thick skin for taking insults and rejections when it’s just me. What a great penance! Let the insults roll off; offer the other cheek. I don’t know

  3. Sep 14

    Clericalism: just don't do it!

    Thank you Sarah Carter, Karolina, and many others for tuning into my live video with Paul Fahey! Join me for my next live video in the app. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

  4. Aug 31

    Place your bets

    Brothers and sisters, peace be with you. Thank you for your support and solidarity. It was great to hear from many of you, and I hold all of your intentions in prayer. I’m okay. That Godsplaining video is what’s not okay, and it’s still up. I haven’t heard from anyone affiliated with the Godsplainers, but if you thought I was just venting, nope. I’m serious. Please take the video down. It’s for moments like this I have been preparing for. People like to judge survivors as being in it for the money already, so what I wrestled with in the beginning of responding to this calling to speak up was, “Am I going to monetize my suffering?” Do I take in ad revenue and paid subscriptions for getting naked in front of y’all? Wouldn’t that make me a hoe? This is why I chose a life of voluntary poverty, not to avoid work, but to commit fully to the work. To stay humble, close to the ground. I want to allow the Spirit to guide my preaching, not the algorithm. Or do you prefer the current state of Catholic content? The Unborn Saint Today is the feast of Raymond Nonnatus, “not born”, so called because he was cut out from his dead mother. So he’s patron saint of a lot of things, including childbirth, expectant mothers, and the unborn. He’s also patron of the falsely accused. False accusations suck, don’t they? I told a parishioner shortly after we arrived at our new parish that I was a survivor of clergy sexual abuse, and she shared how much it breaks her heart how that makes it so hard for good ones and leads to priests being falsely accused. It makes sense that we hate accusations. Satan is the Accuser. Christ is the Confessor. We would rather be accusers than confessors, wouldn’t we? But it’d be nice if everyone else could be a confessor instead of an accuser. But there’s a contingent of the Church that I posit gets more false accusations than priests. That’s the survivors. Forty years I endured this generation. I have sat back as I listened to Catholics characterize us as “history”, that the abuse crisis is in the past (although a vocations crisis remains, I wonder if they’re related?) We’ve heard that we are after money, that we don’t love God. The falsely accused are always going to be the ones who are most found on the margins. Those with power scapegoat those without it. The homeless are blamed for homelessness, the mentally ill are less than fully human, the poor probably deserve it. What is a false accusation if not my insistence on clinging to my story over yours? Here’s a favorite one that gets used on the poor: In fact, when we were with you, we instructed you that if anyone was unwilling to work, neither should that one eat. -2 Thessalonians 3:10 That’s right, you poors! Of course, he’s talking about doing the work for the kingdom, not showing up at an hourly wage job (which may be the way that you work for the kingdom). The very next line is: We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business of others. -2 Thessalonians 3:11 Oopsie! Has the culture of Mammon left you in a perpetually transactional state where you have reduced God’s sacred Word to your favorite Bible Reels? Here’s one for you: No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Mammon. -Matthew 6:24 We consume our Scripture like we consume everything else. We are all so thoroughly in the grip of Mammon and we don’t even see it. That’s by design. It blinds you. The remedy is almsgiving in expiation for the sins of the Church. This Mission of Accompaniment When my wife and I began responding to where God was calling us, we committed ourselves to living in voluntary poverty. We, committed to making no profit or holding property of our own, believing quite simply, that charity never fails. That with God, all things are possible. Something I had not even prepared for though: most people I’ve spoken to don’t understand what almsgiving even is. (Don’t worry; I won’t tell anyone if you’re one of those.) Despite committing to living within our means and owning nothing, we remain homeless, going day by day most days. This shouldn’t be that hard if everyone is already giving. But I have seen so many rationalizations for why people can’t give to their neighbor, when we are all of us, already, in the top 1% of privileged, comfortable children of God across the span of human history. Something is off. If Christ is faithful, and we have had the deposit of faith for 2,000 years, how is the situation in the world NOT a failure of the Church? What is the major difference between the early Church and the Church of today? They had nothing to lose, but we have so much s**t. That’s why the vulnerable aren’t looked out for, because it will affect money. It will affect property, prestige, power. Mammon also successfully pits us all against one another, making us believe our divisions are based on something profound, when it’s really just good money for others. Then we all get to point out the disingenuous people on every side as “the other side” without recognizing that we all share a common enemy: the transaction. Worse than that, we live in the Age of the Deal, where the ideal is to give as little as possible to get as much as possible. This is, quite literally, anti-Christ. Christ models what our love should be. Christ offers everything and asks for little. This is the mystery of the Trinity itself. Full generative gift of self. God does not love us transactionally. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us while we were still sinners! But when we give, of our money, of our time, our talents, we give transactionally. We give conditionally. We count the cost. We choose the logic of the dollar over the power of grace. And then we lament that we can’t find grace in the world. This is why I beg for alms. I’m your access point. Many of us don’t even have to encounter the poor, do we? We don’t speak of the poor; we speak of the Diocesan Annual Campaign, which your parish is still behind on. We speak of Catholic Charities, not Catholic charity. We speak of bankruptcies and settlements, not survivors. Not the lost sheep. This is why I’m not talking about “donations to our mission.” It’s more than that. Almsgiving is about what the giver is doing by their action, rather than what the receiver is getting. You receive grace by the mere act of giving, regardless of what happens next. The grace goes even further if you give it to someone you wanna judge. Almsgiving is not investment. It is taking a bet on grace. It doesn’t answer to results. It answers to freedom. We have put our lives on the line as a living sacrifice, a barometer for how well the Church responds to survivors, the sick, and the homeless. We won’t be in this situation forever, this is just the rough start. I have only $5 total. You probably have more money than me. But I have peace. I have joy. I have God. I don’t have fear. How about you? Pope Leo, in Dilexi Te, starting at paragraph 99 he speaks of needing to empower the poor to nurture the Church with a culture that is uniquely their own precisely because of their poverty. I am not this kind of Christian despite being a survivor of abuse; I am this kind of Christian precisely because I am. And there are a lot more of us who need empowered. If you don’t think he’s talking about almsgiving, well… keep reading till you get to paragraph 115. Priests, Prophets, and Kings Do I seem like a fool in your eyes? Praise God, I am! What am I, some kind of a prophet? Damn straight, why ain’t you? Fellow Christian, by your baptism, you share in Christ’s inheritance as priest, prophet, and king. And a king is one who knows how to utilize Mammon instead of being utilized by it. Do you despise Mammon? Money, wealth, power, prestige? Almsgiving will help you with that. In your refusal to play by the rules of this world and instead trust that your heavenly Father will give your daily bread, you’re placing your bet on grace. Grace will answer, and you will start to see your fractured reality more clearly. So. If you believe that it is better to give than to receive, as I do, as I witness, then almsgiving is not an imposition; it’s an invitation. Do you worry about your money burning a hole in my pocket? It burns a hole in my hand! Think I’m freeloading? Freeloading is a word used by people who like money. This is about offloading! Transactional relationships have messed me up, and I can’t abide by them no more. I’m gonna give you my whole heart, and I’m gonna ask you to give me yours, not because I require it, but because God does. Have we forgotten this? Church. I am you. Like it or not, I am a product of the Catholic Church. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of talents I’ve been given to invest, but I will not bow to demonstrate my worthiness in order to be shown the dignity I already have. I will stick to my preaching for now. So sure, we need to give, but who can you trust? Institutions have failed you. The Church has failed you. But I’m the Church, as are you. And today I’m the beggar at your door, reminding you that almsgiving covers a multitude of sins. Almsgiving isn’t just an obligation, it is a privilege, and it’s a right. If you don’t already know, you should know that the poor in the Church never stop giving from their need, often giving with the only dollars they have in their pockets. This won’t be the last time I call for alms. It might be the nicest. Please offer your prayers for me most of all. This is truly exhausting work that requires a lot of time in prayer to offset all the ick. But my wife and I remain very much in need. And if you feel like you can’t help, I dare you to Venmo me just one dollar. That will unlock grace for you and for me, an exercis

  5. Aug 30

    Take down this Godsplaining video

    I was going to do something of a reaction video to this, but there’s so much wrong with what is said in this video that I don’t want to even feature it for anyone to see. I’m going to get straight to the point: take this video down. You’re going to get somebody killed. Let’s do some exposure therapy. You seem to be confused about who is in the suffering Body of Christ and who isn’t. When abuse happens by Church leaders, when that kind of trauma is experienced in the context of your relationship with God, it is always, necessarily, intrinsically, a profound spiritual abuse that warps your understanding of God and your relationship with Him. You don’t know up from down. You can’t be sure that what you have is even the real thing. My abuse happened while pursuing a vocation to the priesthood, before I had yet received the sacrament of confirmation, at the hands of two different priests, precisely because I was a diligent altar boy. I didn’t know what it meant to be a man yet. I certainly couldn’t even begin to understand what my sexuality meant, especially in the context of priestly celibacy learning from a man I called “Father.” How could that not throw everything out of whack? What can you speak to as far as what that little boy should do so as not to abandon God? I, by the grace of God, am a practicing Catholic right now, with daily Liturgy of the Hours and Mass, praise God! But I didn’t get to this place of healing until I was willing to drop the counterfeit thing. As recently as February, my intrusive thoughts came back. I desired to go to Mass, and I did get there, but I barely made it that day. My sweaty hands shook as I grabbed a back pew where I could keep my hood up and my eyes closed to pray that the nausea wouldn’t prevent me from receiving the Eucharist this time. Do you know what it is to crave Jesus and death at the same time? I was admitted to the hospital later that day, and I was there for a week, no sacraments, no visits, except for my saintly wife. But God never abandoned me. He found me. We found each other again there. I couldn’t find peace in the temple, but I found it among my inmates. I was able to rest in God’s heart by being kept away from the Catholic Church. Christ’s Church, as his bride, is meant to be that privileged way of finding God, the ultimate sign. But when that sign has been broken? Y’all gave me a shortcut. If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself. -2 Timothy 2:13 Survivors of abuse in the Church are not making the Church optional for themselves. Abusers made the Church optional for us. And this ain’t just about us who got abused as kids, this is also about those who were abused as adults, who are still being abused, in the context of the sacraments and spiritual direction. Yeah, priests are flawed human beings. So flawed that they do this little dance where, “Insofar as it exonerates me, I am a member of the flawed, human community of the Church. Insofar as it elevates me, I represent the inviolate Bride of Jesus Christ.” Which one of those roles do you think your brother priests use when they abuse? You’re playing this game with us right here, on a podcast where you took the word mansplaining — a word associated with condescending, over-simplified, overconfident pontificating — and then replaced the word man with God. So comfortable with using God’s name in vain huh? You’re a living satire. People don’t leave the Church en masse because because they saw sin. They often leave because their consciences were stirred by seeing scandal with their own eyes, and there’s a difference. They witnessed a system that protects abusers while silencing survivors and the prophets who call for repentance. They leave a Church that claims to proclaim Christ crucified while trying to hide all his wounds. They leave a Church more focused on self-preservation than on mission, as if the gates of hell might actually prevail. In short, they find a Church that isn’t what it claims to be, just another community of cowards. So please, do the courageous thing here, take up your cross, and take this video down. Because I can think of a few times in my life where, if I came across your video and took your advice, I wouldn’t be sitting here today. Here’s what Jesus has to say: Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come! -Matthew 18:6-7 Or to hear the way that you Godsplained it to us: “Saint Paul talks about this where it's better a millstone were hung around your neck than to have led someone astray or something, you know?” Inspiring. Why is everyone leaving the Church with such spirited and studied preaching coming from the Order of Preachers? At the very least, reverends, Bonaventure, Gregory, if you are going to speak on these issues, on issues of abuse, trauma, and losing your faith, do so with reverence, not with this casual bro-time b******t. You are treading on holy ground, and you need to remove those protective soles you’re clinging to. And after you take this video down, maybe we can have a talk. Brush up on James chapter 3 in the meantime. To everyone else here, please do not just like this and move on. You want to elevate survivors voices? You want to be a part of the healing and repentance the Church and the world needs? Share this video, even if you have no commentary to add. We don’t know whose lives are on the line. Peace and love,~timothy This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

  6. Aug 18

    The Guild of Artists, Mediators, and Entertainers

    Brothers and sisters, peace be with you. I have a confession to make: I haven’t been telling you the whole truth. Allow me to set the stage. Lancaster, PA, August 17th, 2016. One decade ago yesterday, I said goodbye to my wife of 8 years. The year prior was my 30th birthday, and she threw a surprise party for me. Life was trending upwards. I had successfully funded my little comedy show about a priest and we would be shooting the second season soon. But in the middle of shooting that first episode, I broke and could go no further. I was overwhelmed with a desire to end my life. By God’s grace alone, I didn’t go through with it; but I fell into a deep depression where I couldn’t find satisfaction in anything anymore. The following year, on my 31st birthday, I came home late, drunk, and told my disappointed wife, “We should just get an annulment.” Convinced I was the reason for all of the misery in her life, I decided to let her go. This decision haunted me right away. I had long thought it would be cool to get Maximilian Kolbe’s tattoo and now I was going to do it for the 75th anniversary of his martyrdom. (I’ve got a thing for numbers and anniversaries). It fell on a Sunday though, and not wanting to be the reason someone had to work on Sunday, I got it the following day, on the solemnity of the Assumption of Mary, something I knew Maximilian would appreciate. 2 days later, my wife was gone, and I found myself grateful that I installed this sacramental on my forearm. I found myself now praying for his intercession as patron of drug addicts, very worried about what might happen to me as I slid into a deep hole of depression while working in the bar scene. By God’s grace, I did not fall into addiction, but I was starved for affection. After losing the only woman I ever knew like that, I got hooked on affection with others. But it led me to a very good, life-giving relationship that lasted till 2018. I still hated myself though, and it ruined the relationship. I was also overwhelmed with Catholic guilt for dating someone without having my marriage being declared null, and I found myself hoping that it wouldn’t be. (I meant what I said in my vows! How could I hope that the Church would judge otherwise?) I continued to work in hospitality and entertainment while trying to walk the straight and narrow. I wanted this to be my martyrdom: the husband who would stay loyal to the wife he would never see again. But the letter from the tribunal arrived; I was not sacramentally married. Thankfully, my heart was prepared. I even made a joke video on Facebook where I opened it like I was unboxing an iPhone. It was time to start anew. I made new friends, I followed my heart, and I met Karolina. On our first date, she joined me in feeding the homeless before we went to the movies. We married in 2021. This time was different, and I knew it would be different. I would give this my all and it would not fail this time. Fast forward 5 years, and I’m lost. After a long winding journey, one where I finally came to terms with my abuse by two priests, I found myself back in the same spot. I was out of things to give and I was out of things to give up. We only made rent in October by rolling up Karolina’s coin collection that had been decades in the making. Now we were halfway through November, behind on rent and with no idea how we would make rent for December. (Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail??) I brought these questions alone in prayer. I had to; Karolina and I were not on the same ground spiritually. She was trying to live honestly and she couldn’t even go to Mass, angry at the Church for what happened to me and thoroughly disillusioned by the Christians in her life who weren’t even trying to love their neighbor as much as they love themselves. But now I was carrying the added shame of leading her away from the Church?? (This is why I shouldn’t have told anyone! Better a millstone were around my neck, right!?) Meanwhile, I was still trying to go to Mass even though my hands would often shake and sweat. I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours every day, but I was beginning to wonder if this was itself a trauma reenactment or compulsion. Where do I turn when all of the signs of the sacraments are loaded with feelings of danger and shame? Like Adam being offered the fruit of the tree, I saw sweet death put before me. It was mine to take. Nobody would be able to stop me this time. Nobody would know until it was too late. Karolina the widow would certainly get more sympathy than Karolina the wife. I was ready to jump again. But instead of making that leap, I chose a leap of faith. I was going to take God at his word, that if I seek first the Kingdom and righteousness, all these other things would be taken care of. We agreed to do the ultimate novena to our Blessed Mother, nine months, spanning from November 14th to August 14th, from the feast of Cabrini to Kolbe, leading up to the Assumption on August 15th. (That’s why I got an 815 area code. Like I said, I’ve got a thing for numbers.) The very next day, Karolina and I made a breakthrough in our marriage. The day after that, we went to Mass together again. Then He asked me to quit my second job. He wanted his Sundays back, and He revealed more one step at a time. He asked us to start a mission to the margins, and we hardly understood what that even meant. He asked me to quit my other job, leaving me with no income, and to beg for alms. Karolina would follow when she heard the call to quit her job too. We were to shun all transactional relationships while being pruned on the Vine. We were to follow the trail of charity by choosing weakness, vulnerability, and humiliation. Being impressive, or clever, or highly resourceful to curry favor would be cheating, and every time I flirted with that, He quickly brought me back to the way of humiliation. I reached out to everyone who cares about me in my Lancaster community, especially those I would hope would reach out to me if they needed help. It wouldn’t be very charitable of me to assume others are less generous than I, would it? I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, feeling grateful for the conditioning of my heart through the heartbreak, returning every slight against us with a blessing on them. I was to let people believe what they want and live in their assumptions. The people who really cared about me reached out anyway. Most importantly, I was to never lie, but I had to keep the secret, to avoid muddying the waters of mercy. I even left my rap diss tracks raw and unpolished to remain unassuming. (I did try leaving some hints along the way though.) I didn’t want to leave Lancaster, but the only way I was ever going to be able to stay in the town where I was raised, abused, and abandoned was to have it offset with an outpouring of sympathy from my community, my parish, my diocese. But a prophet isn’t welcome in his hometown, right? So we let God lead us all the way to southwest Michigan, where neither of us had even set foot. He led us to a new community, a new diocese. My new ordinary, Bishop Edward Lohse, met with me one-on-one. Karolina and I continue to go to Mass together, and she now prays the Liturgy of the Hours with me every day. The miracles in our lives have been abundant, and the only thing we lack anymore is money. We have been homeless for 5 months. We have slept in our cars, with our cats in the back seat. We still don’t have a home, but now, we’re here. This training season is over. So. To my family, my community, my friends. To those who judged me, rejected me, ostracized me, or ignored me, I got one thing to say to you: thank you. Whether detractor or supporter, every one of you played a crucial role in molding our hearts for this mission. Did you think I was trying to save myself? That’s quite the assumption. Did you think I was trying to be impressive, that I was doing my best to get you on my side? That’s quite the assumption. Did you think because I didn’t want to work for money I didn’t want to work at all? That’s quite the assumption. I’ve had the heart of a priest since I was a boy. All I want to do is serve. But I made some assumptions too. I assumed my Christian brothers and sisters also believed it’s better to give than to receive. I assumed we were all practicing almsgiving and tithing, and that my friends would relish the opportunity to direct that toward their own neighbor. I assumed we all wanted to love our neighbor as ourselves. I assumed we were all trying to be good Samaritans. Looks like we all made a lot of false assumptions, including the assumption that one must already be wealthy and established before being called to do charity work. But like Henri Nouwen in The Wounded Healer, I gotta ask, can we realistically expect someone who has never been through the desert to lead others through it? “We have forgotten that no God can save us except a suffering God, and that no man can lead his people except the man who is crushed by its sins.” Do you still not understand that God associates with the needy? It wasn’t the high and mighty leaders who were summoned to the manger in Bethlehem; it was the lowly, smelly shepherds. Mary herself appears to the poor, to the forgotten, to children. And unless you become like a child, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. So let us be children! Let us relearn what it is to delight in creation and in each other, and to remember that our Father delights in our delight. As our Christian and Catholic cultures continue to oscillate between toxic and boring, let us choose instead to rediscover innocence and playfulness. If we are going to rebuild our fractured society, we must rebuild community and trust. The Guild of Artists, Mediators, and Entertainers is a coalition for all who are committed to being poor in spirit, who want to reclaim our messy humanity. By promoting the arts, reconciliation, and

    The Guild of Artists, Mediators, and Entertainers

  7. Jun 14

    Poor Me? Poor You!

    "In Christ, therefore, we are called to become poor and to be a refuge for the poor. The Christian community cannot remain indifferent to the many who today stand at the door but remain invisible to those who are shut within their own walls." -Pope Leo XIV, June 13, 2026 --- Please support our mission in the margins! Venmo: @BartenderTimothy PayPal: @TimothyShawnQuigley To talk to me, help in a bigger way, or to just offer your two cents, email me at timotheodicy@gmail.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    Poor Me? Poor You!

  8. Jun 11

    An Introduction to the GAME

    Peace and Love, Karolina and Timothy Email: DeepDishPapa@gmail.com Venmo: @BartenderTimothy PayPal: @TimothyShawnQuigley This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    An Introduction to the GAME

  9. Jun 7

    Welcome to The Ambo!

    This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    Welcome to The Ambo!

  10. Feb 22

    A.R.T.!

    “Woke Up Mortals” This the day I’m gonna wake up some mortals, Them accusations ‘bout as accurate as Bortles, But it don’t disturb my rest, this heart is pure, I love the hate, the definition of a cure. All your talk is bishbait, that’s all I get, You should be fishin’ but you’re caught up in the net, My monstrousness is exposed, so come adore, It used to be “free my spirit!” but I want more, Free everybody within the Body. I jump first, cuz God got me. I watch pretenders makin’ Babel rabble arguments, LARPing Catholic identity, like who are you, Vance? I feel more Thomas so I gotta find my silence. I heard the- I cannot force you to see, don’t matter how I word it. Here’s my vocation if you wanna know how I heard it.   Yes, Father. “Go and make a mess. Take up your cross, be forgivin’ and confess.” Yes, Father. “Keep your feet upon the way. Never let them take your freedom and your play.” … “Keep your head up and laugh like I do, And understand that your Abba loves a glad fool.” … “If it hurts your pride, let that die too. Don’t be waitin’ for Nathan; that man is not you.”   Comin’ with a rap attack, chillin’ with my kitten, sippin’ Cap’n Jack, This gon’ be that new rum. F**k apologetics, let’s all see you get dumb! All that knowledge be a waste if we can’t learn to play, Come and take a walk with me, but first we gotta pray. Bless my group of little men, they’re banking on the system while I’m tryna game it, See me possessed by the Spirit and they can’t tame it. Used to take the counsel free, I’d help my little parish out, IRNI came back onto the scene, I told my father “Ciao!” Call me crazy, I’m Assisi, yeah let’s go, Strip in front of all you squares, I’ll shed the wares and fancy clothes. Saint Joe’s said "keep it hush", I thought I’d brush it off, but no; A modern time chaplain told me where it happened like I wouldn’t know. Watched the Super Bowl of ’99 beside my main abuser, All you schemin’ Legionaries, I don’t know how you don’t lose your Rites, frankly. Plenty of pickles, but they ain’t kosher, Real damn shame this layman mightier without the crosier. This is not hyperbole, I sure don’t want your settlements. Maciel caressed my jowl, I live in prayer and penitence. El? Si! Mal si mar y con poseidon! Con conquistadors since the days of the Dickinsons. What you face? Not what I faced. I’m impetiginous, But no lost cause, I’m from the Lanc, reppin’ Thaddeus, To my First Cause: Monsignor’s dead, and I’m glad he is I pray for him, he prays for me, between Brutus and Cassius. But the Legion’s still rollin’, Unc is in Jerusalem, Saw him hanging out with Dolan, Imma bring the juice to them, Can’t match my RPM, caught you playing hide-and-seek. Piss you off and take a leak, I’m bringing the other cheek.   Yeah, father! Go and make a mess! Take up your cross, be forgiven, and confess! Yeah, father! Keep your feet upon the way! Never let them take your freedom and your play! Yeah, father! Keep your head up and laugh like I do, And understand that your Abba loves a glad fool! Yeah, father! If it hurts your pride, let that die too. Don’t be waitin’ for Nathan; that man is not you.   Met up with my bishop couple months ago in Harrisburg, He ain’t my first Tim Senior, but he’s the first who heard. He said it don’t define, but that don’t sit well with me. Before I lose my truth, I'll loose all the Hell in me. If my memory got erased and took this cross from me, I’d jeopardize my mission and even the crown above me. It’s like they’re mad 'cause I decided not to stay dead, Y'all keep on hedging all your bets, Imma say what I said. Ain’t no Timothy here; this here’s a legionary. It's a lot of positions, but not many are missionary, 2026 is here, time to grab the lectionary, Tell 'em flip to Job and read how his story don’t end in there, he Lost it all, but God got no blame, my poverty’s my insurance claim, Tell the pope his year of hope (would you believe?) took all my shame! Okay, Taylor, come bring your game, the Church’s infiltrator, Universal bride, but you divide, and now my people hate her. Oh and f**k Word on Fire! Like the Legion, see it go down. Bishop Barron moving like Puff Daddy while standing with the First Clown. I had hopes you’d maybe hop off the socials when you got pulled out of LA. You’re better off hanging in Winona, that’s where your sheep are today. Where’d Joey go, by the way? Hey, f**k tryna act like you’re an ally while ignoring FKA! Abuse of power is abuse of power, don’t matter where it may lay! Byzantine, but not Greek to me, Wormtongue Pig Latin all day, Looking cut like Edoras pay? What’s the word, EWTN? It’s looking less eternal these days, Seems like Ray’s busying with auditioning like he heard what Fox News pays. If I talk too fast, we can just pretend I’m Father Mike Schmitz with Ascension Presents, Cuz I really gotta holler, I should put on my collar, maybe I can be your favorite hot priest then! Did you ever look back and mourn and awake divining comedy? Climb down and beat the odds? Rise with melodious grit like hominy, Then make it to be with God? Grab that flow and heat from Dante’s peak? Hell, I went. Woke y’all mortals up cuz there ain’t no heaven if I ain’t heaven-sent. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    A.R.T.!

  11. Feb 1

    Angelus Address, Pope Leo XIV, Sunday February 1, 2026

    This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    Angelus Address, Pope Leo XIV, Sunday February 1, 2026

  12. Jan 25

    Angelus Address, Pope Leo XIV, Sunday January 25, 2026

    This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

    Angelus Address, Pope Leo XIV, Sunday January 25, 2026
  • 12 Episodes

About

A Catholic survivor of clergy sexual abuse sharing prayer, art, culture, and humor. ambrosebeforehoes.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Timothy Quigley
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    12
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Timothy Quigley
  • Show Website
    The Ambo