The Afterwife Hours

Kerrie Rusch, LCSW
  • 5.0 (1)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Real talk on high-conflict marriages, motherhood, and what it actually takes to find your way out — or forward. For the woman lying awake wondering if it's her, if it's him, or if it's over: hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW — therapist turned coach.

  1. 5d ago

    The Insecure Man

    If you have ever sat in your car in the driveway and asked yourself, how did I get here, this episode is for you. You are good at your job. People trust you. You are reasonable, kind and normal. And then you walk in the door at home and get grilled because you didn't text back within the hour, which in his mind means you must be cheating. In this episode I get into what is actually driving the insecure man. Not the version he showed you on the first date. The one who came out later. Where it starts. A little boy who was loved only when he got it right, and who never knew which parent was walking in the door. He grows up and tries to control you, because he never got to control anything back then. How he talks. Every story is the highlight reel, the tear down or the victim. Listen for which one you hear most. Why he won't take a risk and mocks you for taking one. You go back to school and he calls it a phase. You start a business and he asks who is paying for your hobby. He is always leveling. If you are above him, he chases. If you are below him, he goes cold. Equal doesn't feel safe to him, which is why he is always trying to measure up or compete with you. You will leave with words for things you have felt for years and never been able to say out loud. This is the work I do with women privately, and this episode is the starter set. Because you can love him. You can hope for him, but you can't parent a grown man back to whole. Resources & Guides 🌸 Free - The 30 Documents to Gather Before You File: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Book Call/Other Resources: after-wife-coach.com/start?v=2 📲 Instagram: @theafterwifecoach Research Referenced: Downey, G., and Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Why some partners read a missed text as abandonment and respond with control. Assor, A., Roth, G., and Deci, E. L. (2004). The emotional costs of parents' conditional regard. Journal of Personality. How love that has to be earned shapes a fragile sense of worth in adulthood. Main, M., and Hesse, E. (1990). Research on disorganized attachment in children whose caregivers were both a source of comfort and a source of fear. Grapsas, S., Brummelman, E., Back, M. D., and Denissen, J. J. A. (2020). The "why" and "how" of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit. Perspectives on Psychological Science. Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

    The Insecure Man

  2. Sep 24

    The Neuroscience of a Trauma Bond

    If you have ever known, with complete clarity, that someone was destroying you and still could not stop reaching for him, this episode is for you. I worked with a woman who runs money for a living. Big rooms, big numbers, men twice her age who go quiet when she starts talking. She told me that the night before our session she was on the floor of her bedroom at midnight, crying, reading four words on her phone. Can we talk. I miss you. That was the whole text. And it undid a woman who had not lost an argument in a decade.   In this episode I am getting into two things most women in these marriages have lived through and never had named. What intermittent reinforcement actually looks like in your house. Not in a textbook. Yesterday you were the problem, you were impatient, you were never happy enough. Tonight he misses you. That gap is not him being inconsistent. That gap is the mechanism, and it is the single strongest predictor of how hard this will be to leave. The quiet that shows up about three weeks after you go. She changed the locks, blocked his number, and then felt something she had not felt in two years. A flat, strange calm where the chaos used to be. And she read that calm as a sign they should try again. It was not a sign. It was withdrawal, and this is the part where most women go back. You will leave this episode with the actual mechanism, which almost nobody explains to women in plain words. Why the cycle has four phases and what each one is doing to you. Why the three qualities that built your career, your persistence, your empathy, your tolerance for discomfort, are the exact three he uses to keep you. Why family court usually cannot see any of this. Why couples therapy with this man makes it worse and not better. And the five steps that actually break the bond, including the one nobody schedules for you. This is the work I do with women privately, and this episode is the starter set. Because you were never addicted to drama. You were trained, over years, on a schedule you did not design. Those are different things. Research referenced: Dutton, D. G., and Painter, S. (1981). Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittency. Victimology. Ferster, C. B., and Skinner, B. F. (1957). Schedules of Reinforcement. The original work on why unpredictable rewards produce the most persistent behavior. Van der Kolk, B. A. Research on how chronic stress exposure alters the amygdala, hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. Resources & Guides: 🌸 Free: The 30 Documents to Gather Before You File: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45 minute call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach

    The Neuroscience of a Trauma Bond

  3. Sep 18

    You Didn't Have a Low Sex Drive. Saying No Came with a Price Tag

    If you spent years being told your sex drive was the problem, this episode is for you. She sat across from me and said she hadn't wanted sex in six years, almost like she was confessing. Then I asked her one question. What happened in your house when you said no? She said, he was fine. He just stayed "fine" for about three days. If your stomach dropped reading that, you already know exactly which three days I'm talking about. In this episode I'm getting into two things most women in high conflict marriages have lived through and never had named: What "fine" actually costs. Not a fight. Not a raised voice. Three days of no goodnight, one word answers, your plate left on the table, and bedtime handled entirely alone while he sits forty feet away and doesn't come when the kids call.  Why it didn't come back when he left. Your body doesn't read the divorce decree. It knows what it learned, and what it learned was that yes costs one evening and no costs three days.  You'll leave this episode with the actual mechanism, which nobody explains to women: the order things leave you in and the very different order they come back, why the research says the off switch was always stronger than the on switch, what to do when it wakes up on a random Tuesday and you panic, and one small assignment for this week that has nothing to do with sex and starts moving all of it. This is the work I do with women privately, and this episode is the starter set. Because you didn't have a low sex drive. You had a body doing its job in a house where no was expensive. Those are different things. Research referenced Graham, C. A., Sanders, S. A., Milhausen, R. R., and McBride, K. R. (2004). Turning on and turning off: A focus group study of the factors that affect women's sexual arousal. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Mentioned in the episode The Reclaiming My Body and Desire workbook. Six exercises, nobody reads it but you. Inside The Afterwife Collective. [LINK] 🌸 Free: The 30 Documents to Gather Before You File: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45 minute call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach The Afterwife Hours is hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW, therapist turned coach. For education and support, not a substitute for therapy. Client stories are composites with identifying details changed. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the United States for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

    You Didn't Have a Low Sex Drive. Saying No Came with a Price Tag

  4. Sep 12

    You're Not Living Together. You're Cohabitating With Opposing Counsel

    If you've ever sat in your own driveway with the engine off, rehearsing your answers before you walk through your own front door, this episode is for you. In this episode I'm getting into the phase nobody prepares you for. How you actually live in a house with the man you are divorcing. Why he's suddenly talking about Disney World in front of your three year old. The tactic is triangulation, and it's not aimed at you. It's aimed at the one person in the room who can't be corrected without a cost. You either stay quiet and let your child build a fantasy you'll have to dismantle later, or you kill the family trip in front of a toddler. That's the design. And the reason a three year old absorbs "daddy can't play with you because mommy won't let him" the way he does is developmental, not emotional. At that age he doesn't conclude that dad is being cruel. He concludes that something is wrong and he should find the lever, and the lever is probably him. Why answering him has never once ended it. A client offered her husband a scheduled thirty minutes to discuss the thing that was so urgent at 7:15 every morning. He turned it down. That's the tell. It was never about the topic, it was about access, and you cannot out reason a man who isn't there for the reason. So we stop working on what he wants and start looking at when he can get it. I walk you through the four minute Ambush Audit live in the episode. The hour, the conditions he needs, and the one ingredient you remove this week without his agreement, without a conversation, and without explaining yourself once. You'll also get the hard instruction on what to do when he says it in front of your child, which is not the one you want and not the one your body will vote for. The two sentence repair afterward. What to document and what to leave alone. Why you set the house rules alone instead of proposing them, because anything you ask him to agree to becomes something he can withhold. And the twenty minute rule, which is the difference between a hard night and an exhibit with your name on it. And the line I want you to take with you: the structures you're building are not fences that keep him out. They are floors that keep you standing, and they work whether he honors them or not. 🌸 Free Marriage Clarity Guide, start here: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45 Minute Clarity Call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach Research from this episode: Gottman & Levenson (1992), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · Grych & Fincham (1990), Psychological Bulletin · Cummings, Goeke-Morey & Papp (2003), Child Development The Afterwife Hours is hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW, therapist turned coach. Stories are composites with identifying details changed. For education and support, not a substitute for therapy.

    You're Not Living Together. You're Cohabitating With Opposing Counsel

  5. Aug 30

    Every Explanation You Send Is Oxygen

    It is eleven at night and you are writing the long one. The text that finally explains it. The timeline is in there, the thing he said last Thursday, the reason you were late. You reread it twice because this time you have been fair, and this time he has to see it. He is not going to see it. In a healthy relationship, explaining yourself is how two people who both want the truth get to the truth. That is why you have the instinct, and there is nothing wrong with you for having it. But in a high conflict divorce, explanations are oxygen. Every long message you send is air blown straight into the flames, and every defense keeps you standing in the arena where he does his best work. In this episode I walk through the shift that changes everything, which is that you are not writing to him anymore. You are writing to the record. What you will hear: Why explanations do not resolve conflict in these dynamics, they extend it How your own words become material to be quoted out of context, forwarded, and attached to a filing The difference between the explanation mindset and the documentation mindset, and why the second one is the only one that holds up later The BIFF method from Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute, brief, informative, friendly and firm, broken down line by line with a real before and after The three A's to leave out of every message, and why a reflexive apology gets stored and used Why silence is not capitulating, and the one question that tells you whether a message needs a reply at all 🌸 Free Marriage Clarity Guide — start here: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45-Minute Clarity Call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach *Everything shared here is educational, the stories are composites, and this is not therapy or legal advice.

    Every Explanation You Send Is Oxygen

  6. Aug 24

    Why He Felt Like Home

    If you've ever looked at your marriage and wondered how someone as smart as you ended up here — this episode is for you. In this episode, I'm getting into two things most women in high-conflict marriages have felt but never had named: Why he felt like home — how a woman trained early to shrink meets a man too self-absorbed to demand her vulnerability, why her body reads that as safety, and the perfect painful loop they build together. Why you go back — the study that found it's not the severity of mistreatment that predicts how attached you stay after leaving. It's the inconsistency. The hot-and-cold cycle that made it painful is the same thing that made the bond strong. You'll leave this episode with the question I asked a client this week that stopped her completely — do you know what emotional safety actually looks like, not just what it doesn't? — and the five steps to build it it back, starting with you first. You will also leave this episode know that missing him doesn't mean it was love. Familiar and safe are different things — and knowing the difference changes everything. 🌸 Free Marriage Clarity Guide — start here: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45-Minute Clarity Call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach Research from this episode: Swann et al. (1992), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · Dutton & Painter (1993), Violence and Victims · Lieberman et al. (2007), Psychological Science The Afterwife Hours is hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW — therapist turned coach. Stories are composites with identifying details changed. For education and support; not a substitute for therapy.

    Why He Felt Like Home

  7. Aug 18

    The Allowance: Why Narcissists Weaponize Money

    Years ago I asked a client what her bottom was, the moment she knew her marriage was over. She said, "Oh that's easy. It was when I had to ask my husband for money to buy our children underwear." His response involved a budget proposal. His Vegas weekend, three days earlier, cost five thousand dollars and required no paperwork at all. That's this episode. We're talking financial abuse in marriage, and why it's the one form of control that comes with a costume.  In this episode, I'm breaking down the whole machine: What money actually means to a narcissist — spoiler, plenty of them are broke. It was never about the money. It's about what needing it makes you do. The five-play playbook he runs to keep a smart, capable woman low on cash on purpose: money equals options, the asking is the point, the isolation dressed as teamwork, the public story ("well, somebody around here has to work"), and the moving target, where there's always money for his golf clubs and never money for your haircut. What the show Maid got painfully right — a woman flees at midnight with her daughter, eighteen dollars, and half a tank of gas, then sits in a government office insisting she doesn't qualify as abused because he never hit her. Before they bite, they bark. Our systems are built for the bite. The underwear story, start to finish — including what she left on the counter the day she walked out: an envelope, ten dollars, and a note I'll read you word for word. Petty? Sure. It was also the first purchase she ever made without permission. "Thank goodness you have me" — why the thank you always fails, why it was designed to fail, and how the man creating the drought ends up applauded for the glass of water. The receipts — including the landmark study that found economic abuse in 99 percent of the domestic abuse cases studied. It's not a side dish. It's nearly universal, because it works. Then I hand you the part nobody else gives you: four quiet moves you can make this week without confronting anyone.  These steps won't change him, that was never their job. Their job is that the next time your card declines on groceries while his new truck sits in the driveway, you know exactly what you're looking at. Because you didn't run out of money. You ran out of permission. If your stomach was in knots this whole episode, that's not oversensitivity. It's recognition. And recognition is step one. 🌸 Free Marriage Clarity Guide — start here: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Book A Free 45-Minute Consult with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach The Afterwife Hours is hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW — therapist turned coach. Stories are composites with identifying details changed. For education and support; not a substitute for therapy.

  8. Aug 7

    Your Easiest Kid Is Working the Hardest

    Your child is running a quiet experiment in your house right now. If I'm good enough, maybe they won't fight. If my room is clean enough, maybe this holds together. Fifty years of research says the same thing, and parents keep politely ignoring it: what harms kids most isn't the divorce. It's the conflict they absorb — and the blame they quietly assign themselves, without ever saying it out loud to an adult. In this episode, I'm handing you the tools that interrupt that story before it hardens: The Three C's — you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. The exact scripts, word for word, plus the well-meaning sentences that quietly re-hire your child for the job you just fired them from. The Worry Box — a shoebox that does more clinical work than most parenting books, backed by research on affect labeling, externalization, and worry postponement. The build, the ritual, and the one house rule that can never be broken. The three unpaid positions — the messenger, the little therapist, and the spy. How kids get recruited into each one during divorce, and the one-sentence exit lines that get them out. Plus, for my mamas of littles: the construction paper trick that ends the "how many days until I see Mommy" meltdown, because you can't explain Thursday to a toddler — but you can hand her Thursday. You'll leave this episode knowing which child to watch (hint: it's the easy one), what to say when the hard questions come, and the sentence I'd print on a laminated card if they let me: your child doesn't need you to have all the answers about the divorce. They need to know which questions were never theirs to answer. Because your kids won't remember that you were prepared for this. Nobody was. They'll remember watching you figure out hard things out loud — and that might be the most useful thing they ever see you do. 🌸 Free Marriage Clarity Guide — start here: https://after-wife-coach.com/documents 📅 Free 45-Minute Clarity Call with me: https://after-wife-coach.com/clarity 📲 Instagram: @the_afterwife_coach The Afterwife Hours is hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW — therapist turned coach. For education and support; not a substitute for therapy.

    Your Easiest Kid Is Working the Hardest
See All (17)

About

Real talk on high-conflict marriages, motherhood, and what it actually takes to find your way out — or forward. For the woman lying awake wondering if it's her, if it's him, or if it's over: hosted by Kerrie Rusch, LCSW — therapist turned coach.

Information

  • Creator
    Kerrie Rusch, LCSW
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    17
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026
  • Show Website
    The Afterwife Hours

You Might Also Like