I’m composing this essay via a voice note on a Thursday morning as I prepare for work and my hour-long commute. Just a few moments ago, I was putting on my makeup and doing all the things to get ready for work, including looking for something to wear. Narrative Inquiry is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. I go into our laundry room, and I see all these clothes on the wash machine. They’ve been washed and dried, and now they’re ready to be folded. And on top of this pile of clothing, I spot a brand new dress that I purchased last weekend. This is a dress that I wore for one of my birthday celebrations, and as I was taking the dress off the other day, I said to my husband, “Babe, please do not dry this dress.” The dress was a simple, cotton, Old Navy garment — nothing too fancy, but I liked it. My husband proudly proclaimed, “I don’t dry dresses.” I just gave him this little look, and I said, “Okay, thanks.” So, you can imagine the annoyance I felt when I spotted this dress, freshly washed and dried today. Letting out a big sigh, I grabbed the dress, proceed to leave the laundry room, walk down the hall, through the media room, and stood in front of a full-length mirror, eyes rolling and temperament fuming. As I hold up the dress to my chess and look at it all wrinkled in the mirror, I can tell, it shrunk. At this moment, every part of me wanted to take a picture of the dress, text this picture to my husband with the words, “Hey Babe, so you don’t dry dresses?” That’s what I really wanted to do. It was on my heart of hearts to interrupt his day at 10 a.m., but I realized something at that moment. It would have been the most inopportune time possible to send him this petty text message. The night before, he had stayed up really late preparing a training that he had to present to new members of his team. It was only his second day working with a new group of educators, and he was focused on establishing a healthy foundation and team dynamics. First-year-married me would have sent that text and convinced myself that he needed to know what he did at that moment! But five-year-eight-month married me had learned a lesson about marriage. It requires managing conflict well. A healthy marriage requires navigating timing to a tee. Discussing our disappointments and disagreements with our spouses is important, but when they are non-urgent or not important for the moment, these minor issues should be brought up at the appropriate time. These are times of low-stress, when both people are relaxed, when guards are down, and there is little room for collateral damage and a domino effect that could impact other people (who have nothing to do with the issue) in the moment. Wives, you know, we can really throw our husbands off with bringing up the right thing at the wrong time? This goes for husbands too. We can mess up our spouses’ entire day by just willy nilly sharing things that can break up their flow, concentration, and productivity during a workday or a time when they must be on point. I was about to pick up my phone and text my husband a petty picture of this dress, when I realized a few things. * I can come off very bossy and demanding. * I can also seem insensitive when stating facts, even when my heart is in the right place. But that’s not who I want to be or what I want my husband to think about me. When my husband is at work, he is super focused and he has to navigate dozens of relationships and behaviors each day. Today, the stakes are extra high. I’m so glad I didn’t send that text. God gave me a better strategy to remind him not to dry my dresses instead. The other dynamic of this whole morning is that today, we had a really great morning. After we prayed separately, he made dinner (ahead of time); I made breakfast. Then we prayed together, and I spoke a blessing over him for his meeting with his new team. I decided not to send a text message. Instead, I laid the dress on the bed and the Holy Spirit gave me a vision of what’s going to happen later on this evening. We’re going to come in the room and get ready for bed. One of us is going to get in the shower first. When we’re getting ready for bed, the dress will be right there. I will casually pick it up, and that will be a time to share with my husband. “Hey, babe, you, you, um, put my dress in the dryer.” I will simply mention it and just kindly and nonchalantly once again ask and suggest, “Do you think you can remember not to put my dresses in the dryer, or should I just wash certain clothes myself?” You see, some behaviors are habits, and sometimes we need to realize that and make the adjustment instead of expecting the other person to do so. My husband washes the clothes almost every day because it’s a pet peeve of his to see clothes piled up. He washes at night, and he’s often super sleepy. And so he’s not even thinking about what he is putting in the the dryer. He is not inspecting every garment because he just is not that detail-oriented even with his own clothes. He puts his work clothes and things he really cares about in the cleaners, and he probably wishes that I’d do the same thing. All that being said, Holy Spirit helped me to basically choose a better time to bring this to his attention, and it’s not right now, during the workday. During our first year of marriage, I constantly had to say what was on my mind. You know, I felt like it was so important for me to say it in that moment. It was so important for me to show my husband what I really needed and wanted. I was selfish in many ways, but now that I’m more mature in my marriage, I just realize that keeping the peace and also building my spouse up instead of tearing him down with pettiness is so much more important than being right or expressing what I want. As I’m thinking about timing and our relationship, it’s making me realize that, in communication period, timing is everything. And even in relationships, you know, when we want to do something, anything, it’s all about the timing. We can share the right word in the wrong time and it will not be received or have the right affect. So this is not just a lesson in marriage, it’s really a lesson in effective communication, respect, and relationship building. If you’re married or in a relationship, I pray that this has been a blessing to you. I pray that, you will also think about the timing of what you speak. I know I will. So, what happened with he and I and the conversation about drying my dress? After my husband came home from work, and we had an awesome evening catching up on the day, we were finally ready for bed. He was in the shower and I picked up the dress and showed him. “Hey babe,” I said. “You remember this dress that you said you wouldn’t put in the dryer?” I smiled, and he smiled… It hit him. He said, “Awww babe, my bad!” It was so light-hearted and so effective. I also decided to put the clothes I care about in a hamper that my husband is not aware of and wash them myself. I’m grateful for the wisdom and growth God has given us in our marriage. PS - I’m sharing this with my husband’s blessing. :-) Thank you for reading/listening. Please consider subscribing to a monthly/yearly plan. Narrative Inquiry subscriptions are tax-deductible and support the important work of KCOglobal.org, a non-profit missions organization with a vision to bring healing and hope to the nations by sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ, providing pathways to freedom, and eradicating oppression through economic empowerment, health services, and education access. God bless you. Narrative Inquiry is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Narrative Inquiry at narrativeinquiry.substack.com/subscribe
