The Perimenopause Husband Podcast

The Perimenopause Husband
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Honesty. Hope. Tools. A husband's honest guide to what perimenopause does to a marriage, and what actually helps. theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

  1. 1d ago

    Perimenopause Exhaustion: The Tired Sleep Doesn't Fix

    She'd say, I'm tired. And I'd hear tired the way I get tired. Big week, bad night, needs a sleep in. So I'd hand her the fix. Get an early night. Except bedtime wasn't rest for her. Awake at two or three, lying there, and she'd get anxious before she even got into bed, because she knew what was coming. When she did sleep, she woke up tired. Never rested tired. Then straight into the same list she'd always run, with less of her to go around. And when she said she was tired, I'd say, yeah, I'm tired too. It was true. But every time, I looked at her tired and put mine right next to it. My tired, sleep fixes. Hers, sleep couldn't fix. That's what this one's about. Her tired, and my tired. In our house this was Overcast. Flat, tired, going through the motions. Not angry, just dimmed. Two of the big hormones in perimenopause are oestrogen and progesterone. Progesterone is the calming one, it helps her settle and sleep. Oestrogen helps keep her mood level and her temperature steady. They rise and fall with no warning, and over time they drop, so the sleep gets lighter and more broken. If it doesn't lift, or anything about it worries either of you, see a doctor or a specialist in this field, and go with her if she wants you there. Two of the tools are in the episode. One for when she says she's tired. One for you, about where your tired goes. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:33 Her Tired 2:28 Swap The Fix For A Question 3:13 My Tired 3:45 Here's Where It's A Two Way Street 5:44 Never Put Your Tired Next To Hers 6:23 Outro The free husband's guide to perimenopause, The Weather Report, is a two page intro to the five perimenopause weather patterns. It is at theperimenopausehusband.com/free-guide Every episode, with the show notes: theperimenopausehusband.com/listen Drop a comment and tell me which one you've said more, get an early night, or me too. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Perimenopause Exhaustion: The Tired Sleep Doesn't Fix

  2. Oct 27

    Ten Things Nobody Told Me About Perimenopause (A Husband's List)

    Ten things. Nobody told me any of them. I learned every one of them in our house, the slow way. Five about what perimenopause is, then five about what it does to a house. First, what it is. It's real, it's not a phase. It can start earlier than you think and run longer than you think. Menopause is one day, perimenopause is the years before it, and that's where the storms are. The hormones. And it turns up whenever it wants, and she has no idea when. Then what it does to a house. She can go through all five weather patterns in one day. A storm at breakfast is not a verdict on the afternoon. Most of it isn't about you. Some of it is. You don't need to be a doctor. And everything rests on the honest conversations. If I'd heard those ten on day one, I'd have saved us a couple of years. Two of the big hormones in perimenopause are oestrogen and progesterone. They rise and fall with no warning, and over time they drop. If anything worries either of you, see a doctor or a specialist in this field, and go with her if she wants you there. Two of the tools are in the episode. One for the first time she tells you something's not right, one for the mornings that start rough. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:43 One To Five, What It Is 2:53 Believe Her The First Time 3:45 Six To Ten, What It Does To A House 5:49 Check The Forecast Again At Lunch 6:18 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's where you start. Every episode, with the show notes: theperimenopausehusband.com/listen Drop a comment and tell me which of the ten you wish you'd heard first. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Ten Things Nobody Told Me About Perimenopause (A Husband's List)

  3. Oct 11

    Seven Perimenopause Signs I Missed in My Wife

    Seven signs turned up in our house, and every one of them I had another explanation for. She was living every one of these while I was busy explaining them away. First the nights. She stopped sleeping, awake at two or three in the morning, night after night. I thought it was stress. Burning up from the inside, a hot flush, or a hot flash in other parts of the world. I thought the house was warm. Her heart racing on the couch at night. I thought it was probably nothing. Three signs, three explanations. Then the days. Walking into a room and forgetting why. Losing a word halfway through a sentence, and me jumping in with it. Short with the people she loves most, and the guilt all over her face straight after. Sad, with nothing attached to it. And the one that got me. "I don't feel like myself any more, and I don't know why." I didn't know what to say back. Every explanation made sense on its own. Put them side by side and it's one thing. I didn't, for a couple of years, because nobody had ever told me they belonged on the same list. Not every sign there is. Just the seven I missed in our house. Two of the big hormones in perimenopause are oestrogen and progesterone. They rise and fall with no warning, and over time they drop. You can Google them. If anything frightens either of you, see a doctor or a specialist in this field, and go with her if she wants you there. Two of the tools are in the episode. One for the morning after a bad night, one for the days the words go. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:41 The Nights 2:11 What Was Actually Happening 3:17 Ask About The Thing, Not The Cause 4:11 The Days 5:14 Seven Signs, Side By Side 6:02 When The Word Goes, Wait 6:45 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's where you start. Every episode, with the show notes: theperimenopausehusband.com/listen Drop a comment and tell me which one you explained away. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Seven Perimenopause Signs I Missed in My Wife

  4. Oct 11

    Perimenopause Help for Husbands: The Night I Went Looking

    My wife gave me the word, perimenopause, after an appointment I hadn't gone to. It was a long while after that before I went looking. Not that night. Not that week. I had the word and I did nothing with it. Then one night I sat down and typed it in. Symptoms. Hormones. Doctors, lists, what's happening inside her, what the stages are. Perfectly good, some of it I read twice, and not one bit of it connected with me. All of it was about her. None of it was for me. Nothing said, right mate, it's Tuesday, she's gone quiet, here's what to do. My part in this. I'd left it that long because I decided it was her thing. She had the doctor. She had the word. My job was to keep the place running and stay out of the way. It sounded like respect at the time. It wasn't. It was me not wanting to go near it. The hormone side of this is real, and it's hers and her doctor's. If it needs one, see a doctor or a specialist in this field. Your side is what happens at home, and nobody had written that down. So I started paying attention. Not the noticing I'd been doing for years, the way you notice it's raining. Paying attention. Her body language. The length of her sentences. Her tone. Who got the best version of her that day. Watch long enough and you'll see it isn't random. It comes in five weather patterns. Storm Warning, Overcast, Fog, Clearing, Sunshine. I got it wrong constantly while I was learning. She had the patience to let me learn, at a time she had less patience to spare than ever. That was her end of it. Mine was accepting it was real and doing the watching. That's respect both ways. One of the tools is in the episode. It costs nothing, and nobody has to know you're doing it. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:46 Nothing Was Written For Me 2:12 My Part In This 3:08 The Turn 3:21 Paying Attention 4:58 Her End Of It 5:45 Watch The Length Of Her Answers 7:09 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's where you start. Every episode, with the show notes: theperimenopausehusband.com/listen Drop a comment and tell me the night you went looking. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Perimenopause Help for Husbands: The Night I Went Looking

  5. Oct 6

    Does My Wife Hate Me? Perimenopause, and Why It Wasn't About Me

    My wife said it to me one night. I don't feel like myself any more. And I don't know why. Nothing had happened. No fight. No bad news. She said it flat, like she was telling me it might rain. It was perimenopause. I didn't know that yet. Here's what I heard. I'm not happy. With you. So I went looking for what I'd done, couldn't find a thing, and decided it must be the marriage. That's a long way to jump off one sentence. I jumped it. She wasn't telling me we were in trouble. She was telling me she was lost. And she told me, not anyone else. That's trust. I read it as a verdict. Second story. One morning I saw five different women say the same thing in different words. I've got no patience any more. One of them put it better than anybody. She hadn't lost her patience. She'd been spending it all day on everyone else, and now there wasn't enough to go round. For a couple of years I'd walk in the door and get a short answer, and I decided her patience had run out for me. It hadn't. It had run out. Full stop. I was just the last bloke in the queue, usually holding a question that could have waited. Two stories, one bloke making it about himself. Both times, it wasn't about me. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:43 I Don't Feel Like Myself 4:49 Where Her Patience Went 8:38 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's where you start. Every episode, with the show notes: https://theperimenopausehusband.com/listen/ Drop a comment and tell me which one you've heard in your house. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Does My Wife Hate Me? Perimenopause, and Why It Wasn't About Me

  6. Sep 23

    Learning To Be Around Her

    Saw a post this week from a woman asking a question. Her calendar doesn't predict what she'll be able to handle any more. Full day on Tuesday, no worries. One appointment on Wednesday and she's done. I know exactly what she means, because for years I was the bloke with the calendar. We ran our house off it. If it was on the calendar, it was happening. Then Saturday would turn up and she'd be sitting on the edge of the bed with the day in front of her like it was a wall. And here's what went through my head. Jeez, she was fine yesterday. I said it out loud maybe a couple of times. Mostly I said it with my face. She wasn't putting it on. Thursday was fine. Saturday wasn't. Both true. Nobody plans a barbecue three weeks out and then gets cranky at the sky when it rains. I did exactly that to my wife. Second story. There's a video going around, hubby learning to be around me during perimenopause, and under it plenty of blokes saying hang on, this is a two way street. They're not wrong, and I come back to that. But first, our house. We weren't a yelling house. She'd be short with me, a sharper edge than the thing deserved, and I'd go quiet. Then days later, over something else entirely, I'd bring it out. You were short with me on Tuesday over nothing. Like I'd been saving it up. Because I had. Here's the bit I saw and did nothing with. Not long after, the guilt was all over her face. She'd already charged herself for it before I'd left the room. Then I'd come back with the bill. So she paid twice. Two stories, one bloke keeping score. Put the ledger down. Most days that's the whole job. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:46 The Calendar Stopped Working 4:36 Learning To Be Around Her 9:58 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's where you start. Drop a comment and tell me which one is your house, the calendar or the receipts. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    Learning To Be Around Her

  7. Sep 4

    The Kid Edition

    There's a format going around at the moment. If Netflix did a documentary on perimenopause. Straight-faced narrator over an ordinary kitchen, like it's wildlife footage. Somebody has started doing the kid edition. Small humans, moving carefully, reading the room before they commit to a question. Made me laugh. Then it stopped being funny, because we've got four of our own, and our kids had been making that documentary for a while. Without a camera. Just working out, before they came down the hallway of a morning, which version of the day it was going to be. They were reading the weather, and they were better at it than I was. Here's my bit. My way of handling it was to manage the kids away from her. Leave your mum alone. She's tired. Not now, buddy. I thought I was protecting her. What I was actually doing was teaching four kids that their mum was a hazard, something you check the conditions on before you approach. And I wasn't telling them one word about what was actually going on, so they filled the gap the way kids do. Second story. Saw a woman post this week that she lost her job over perimenopause. Not a joke video. Her, straight into the camera, dead set serious. The line that got me wasn't the sacking. It was being made to feel less capable was worse than being let go. Because it comes home. She walks in the door still carrying it. And I know exactly what I used to do with that. Who said that. What's his name. You don't need that place. Felt like loyalty. It was one more thing for her to manage. I'd taken the one place she could put it down and turned it into another meeting. Two stories, same thing underneath. Out there she's being measured, by her work, by people who've decided what she is now, sometimes by her own kids without meaning to. You can't stop any of that. You can make sure there's one place she gets to walk in and just be herself. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:26 The Kid Edition 4:44 The Job 7:35 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It's free, and it's the language for exactly this. Drop a comment and tell me which one is your house, the hallway or the front door. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    The Kid Edition

  8. Aug 31

    The Second Puberty

    We've had four kids stomp their way through actual puberty in this house. So when I first started noticing it in my wife, that's the file I put it in. Here we go again, I thought. Give it a year, it'll settle, same as it did with the kids. There's a line going around online at the moment calling it Puberty Two. I get why it lands, because from the outside it does look the same. The moods. The door that closes a bit too firm. The version of her that used to laugh at everything suddenly not laughing at anything. Here's where the joke stops being useful. With the kids I had a rough map. I didn't have any of that for her. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, which was the exact same thing that worked with the teenagers. I waited it out. Wrong move. Waiting out a teenager works because a teenager mostly wants to be left alone. This isn't that. She didn't need me to wait in the other room until it passed. She needed me in the room. Second story. Scrolling the other night, it felt like every second video was the same pitch. Send this to your husband. Show him this one. Here's the manual, translated into language he'll understand. First thought, honestly, a bit defensive. Then I sat with it longer and the defensiveness didn't hold up, because that's basically the job I've been trying to do this whole time too. Difference is where it's coming from. I'm not translating from the outside. I was the bloke who didn't understand a word of it the first time my own wife said it to me at the kitchen bench. Two stories, one trap. Waiting for someone else to explain it, or hand it to you, instead of just walking into the room yourself. Chapters 0:00 Intro 0:23 The Second Puberty 3:08 The Husband Translator 5:07 Outro Grab The Weather Report if you haven't already. It is free, and it is the language for exactly this. Drop a comment and tell me which of the two sounds more like your house. I read every one. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

    The Second Puberty
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Honesty. Hope. Tools. A husband's honest guide to what perimenopause does to a marriage, and what actually helps. theperimenopausehusband.substack.com

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