Editor’s Note: There’s a misconception that Stephen King sets all his books in Maine. The one I’m discussing takes place in Pennsylvania, a good deal closer to my neck of the woods. So I’m claiming it for Dark Side of the Holler, suburban horror or not. For years, folks told me not to waste my time reading Stephen King’s On Writing. Then somebody told me I ought to. I listened to the audiobook and found it pretty compelling. What I appreciated most was the absence of rules, formulas, and checklists that every other a*****e on the internet seems determined to sell aspiring writers. I’d grown up watching movies based on King’s novels, but never managed to get very far into the books themselves. Now that I’m an adult trying to make a living telling stories, I figured it was time to find out what made the old bastard so successful. So I picked up a copy of Christine, and the first thing I thought was, Why’s your killer car book 600 pages, Steve? My first introduction to Christine was John Carpenter’s 1983 film. I watched it with my dad, who always talked about buying an old car and fixing it up together once I was old enough. We never had the chance. The movie is pretty bare bones. Arnie “Cuntface Cuntingham” Cunningham is a comically nerdy dork who gets terrorized by a gang of comically evil greaser hoodlums. Naturally, they’re equipped with the same trademark switchblades that seem to come standard with every Stephen King bully. One afternoon, Arnie falls in love with a rusted-out heap of a Plymouth wearing a FOR SALE sign. He buys the thing against everybody’s better judgment and sets about fixing her up. As his mechanical skills improve, so does his confidence. His acne clears up, he develops a backbone, and before long he’s dating the prettiest girl in school. Unfortunately, his car is a jealous, spiteful bitch. Movie Christine is rotten from the assembly line. She knows what she wants, and she isn’t particularly shy about murdering anybody who gets in her way. Her influence over Arnie reminds me of Peter Parker and that black suit in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3. The more time he spends with her, the bigger an a*****e he becomes. None of the characters are especially complicated, but I didn’t give a damn about that as a kid. I wanted to watch a car drive itself, run down bad guys, and magically repair its own mangled body. And I’ll tell you what, those effects still hold up. Carpenter’s crew used practical effects and reversed footage to make Christine pull herself back together. Watching that crumpled Plymouth straighten her own sheet metal is still more convincing than most of the expensive CGI slop Hollywood s***s out today. Carpenter was brought onto the project before King had even finished the novel. The book and movie both came out in 1983, and considering the circumstances, the adaptation is remarkably faithful. Carpenter didn’t go inventing a bunch of unnecessary b******t. He took what King had written and carved it down into a digestible 110-minute horror picture. After reading the novel, I understand why he had to. Christine is 600 pages because it isn’t really about a killer car. It’s about love. Possessiveness. Obsession. The ugly things people do when they believe somebody or something belongs to them. The car is almost incidental. Hell, Christine barely does anything for the first 300 pages. She might as well be a haunted typewriter, although I doubt that would’ve sold nearly as many copies. I enjoyed the hell out of this book, but I also began to understand some of the complaints people have about King’s writing. King is an unapologetic pantser, and it shows. The novel begins in first person, narrated by Arnie’s best friend, Dennis. Once Dennis is incapacitated and removed from the action, King abandons that perspective altogether and starts telling the story in third person, wandering through one character’s head after another. When Dennis becomes available again, we return to his first-person narration. It’s a peculiar way to construct a novel, particularly when you’re accustomed to hearing that a writer ought to establish a point of view and stick with it. King apparently didn’t give a shit. He also spends an extraordinary amount of time telling us what people think, what happened to them twenty years ago, what their parents were like, and what some miserable bastard had for breakfast before his life went to hell. For every page of action, there seem to be four pages of digression and backstory. And somehow, the whole thing works. I’m entertained. I’m engrossed. I care about these people. That’s something Carpenter couldn’t accomplish in the movie, and it’s probably why so many adaptations of King’s work feel hollow compared to the books. Strip away all those wandering thoughts and miserable histories, and you’ve removed much of what makes the characters worth caring about. What surprised me most, though, was how much I recognized myself in Arnie Cunningham. Arnie runs himself ragged working on Christine. He’s exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes, spending every spare minute trying to make something meaningful out of what everybody else considers worthless trash. Meanwhile, the rest of his life keeps demanding his attention. I know that feeling. Writing my first three books, I spent countless nights doing the same thing. Working long after I should’ve gone to bed, thinking about the work when I was supposed to be doing something else, getting irritated whenever life interrupted me. Arnie sometimes can’t remember fixing certain parts of Christine, even though he must have done the work himself. I occasionally find pages of prose in my typewriter that I have no recollection of writing. And I can’t help imagining Stephen King sitting alone in a room, looking like hell, doing his damndest to wrestle another book out of his head. Book Arnie is a lot more interesting than his movie counterpart. He’s intelligent, sarcastic, and funny, with a face full of pimples and a bad habit of getting pushed around. A diamond in the rough, if you’ll forgive the expression. The only person who seems to recognize his worth is Dennis. Dennis is everything Arnie isn’t. He’s a handsome football player with friends, confidence, and no shortage of girls interested in him. Yet he chooses to spend his time with Arnie. The two have been friends for years, attending high school together and working summer road crews to save money for college. They’re an unlikely pair, but Dennis sees something special in Arnie that nobody else seems to appreciate. In much the same way Arnie sees something special in Christine. And that’s where things start getting complicated. Arnie’s mother is an overbearing, controlling woman who cannot stand the thought of her only son growing up and leaving home. He’s entering his senior year, and she knows her days of telling him what to do are numbered. Dennis loves his friend, but he’s grown comfortable being the handsome, popular half of their friendship. He has a hard time accepting the changes happening to Arnie, particularly when those changes begin taking Arnie away from him. Then there’s Leigh, Arnie’s beautiful new girlfriend, who discovers she’s competing with a Plymouth for her boyfriend’s attention. Each of these people loves Arnie, in their own fashion. Each believes they know what’s best for him. And each resents the amount of himself he’s giving to something that doesn’t involve them. They all begin calling him obsessive. But from Arnie’s perspective, this is the first substantial thing he’s ever done for himself. He found something he wanted. He bought it with his own money. He’s learning the skills necessary to restore it, and for the first time in his miserable teenage life, he’s making decisions without asking anybody’s permission. Everybody who supposedly loves him seems determined to put a stop to it. His parents refuse to let him keep Christine at the house, forcing him to rent space at a garage. He takes a job making shady deliveries across state lines to help cover the expense. When Christine is finally roadworthy, he’s forced to move her again, this time to an airport’s long-term parking lot at the end of a bus line. The more they try to control him, the farther away he goes. And the farther away he goes, the more time he spends with Christine. It’s a miserable little paradox. The people terrified of losing Arnie are helping drive him into the arms of the very thing they’re afraid of. Meanwhile, the people who hate Arnie are determined to destroy the one thing he loves. Buddy Repperton and his gang eventually get their chance. They find Christine sitting alone and defenseless and beat the living shit out of her. They smash her windows, tear apart her body, destroy the engine and finish the job by shitting all over her dashboard. I lived in Oakland, California, for a decade. The first time some goddamned shitters break into your car and wreck it, you experience a particular combination of shock, anger, and resentment that’s difficult to explain to somebody who hasn’t had it happen. You feel violated. But Christine isn’t merely Arnie’s transportation. She’s the love of his life. As far as Arnie is concerned, the woman he loves has been brutalized, raped, and left for dead. And every person who ever hated Christine, every person who tried to come between them, becomes an accomplice to the crime. Arnie’s anger is justified. And so is Christine’s. Now, sure, there’s the small matter of Christine being a murderous supernatural parasite that drains the life out of whoever owns her. We probably ought to acknowledge that. But what if Christine isn’t entirely to blame? What if the real problem is that Arnie is the only person willing to love her? Imagine if his family had welcomed Christine home. If his mother had stopped trying