The Save The Marriage Podcast

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • 4.5 (413)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship. Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship. Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage.

  1. 22h ago

    Having Hope vs. Building Hope

    Most people wait for hope to show up. They treat it like weather — something that either arrives or doesn't, something outside their control. And when it doesn't show up, they take that as a sign. Maybe it's over. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there's just nothing left to work with. But what if hope isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you build? Waiting for hope is passive. Building hope is a choice. In this episode, I go back to work from researcher Charles Snyder, who mapped out what hope actually is — not as a feeling, but as a structure. There are ingredients. A recipe. And like any recipe, you can't skip a piece and expect the result to work. Those ingredients are: a clear goal, a willingness to pursue it, and a plan for how to get there. Three things. And most people who feel hopeless are missing at least one of them. Sometimes all three. Here's what's interesting about that. The ingredient people most often think they're missing is willingness. They assume they're the problem. That they don't care enough, or aren't strong enough, or have run out of something. But willingness isn't usually the real problem. The real problem is usually the third ingredient: the plan, the process, the path. Because here's what I've found over 25 years: when someone can actually see the path forward, willingness tends to follow. Not the other way around. In this episode, I also walk through the three things that are actually within your control  (what I call the 3 A's) and why most people exhaust themselves working on the wrong things entirely. If you've been feeling stuck, like the motivation just isn't there, or like hope has quietly left the building, then this episode is worth your time. It won't tell you what to want. It won't hand you willingness you'd have to manufacture on your own. But it will show you that building hope is something you can actually do. Right now. With what you already have.   RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System -- Your Plan The Connection Compass The Hope System

    22 min

  2. May 27

    When You Fail Therapy (Or Therapy Fails You)

    She did everything right. When her marriage hit a crisis, she and her husband went to therapy. They showed up every week. They stayed with it for months. They did what you're supposed to do. And then the therapist told them she didn't think she could help them. Nothing was working. She didn't see a path forward. They walked out feeling like failures. Like they had somehow flunked marriage therapy. Like the problem was them. Here's what I want you to know: she was wrong about that. And if you've sat in that same chair (or if you've tried the books, the advice, the frameworks, and still feel like nothing is reaching the actual problem) you may be wrong about it too. There's a difference between failing therapy and therapy failing you. And that can change what you do next! This week's episode is about that difference. Why therapy so often doesn't work in a marriage crisis. What's actually being missed. And why the advice that sounds right... and may even be right, can still be completely wrong for the moment you're in. The hiking guide is useless when you need a tourniquet. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System (designed for a marriage crisis) What The Therapist Won't Tell You Factors in Therapy Success or Failure

    16 min

  3. May 20

    When Your Spouse Says Divorce: What To Do In The Next 72 Hours

    If your spouse has said the word divorce — or you're afraid they're about to — the next 72 hours matter more than you might think. Not because you can fix everything that quickly. But because what you do in this window will either create a path forward or make recovery significantly harder. In this episode I talk about what's actually happening in this moment — in your brain, in your body, and in the dynamic between you and your spouse — and why the response that feels most necessary right now is probably the one most likely to backfire. After more than three decades helping people through relationship crisis, including 25 years specifically focused on saving marriages, I've seen two very different paths people take when their spouse says divorce. One creates space for something different to happen. The other widens the gap at exactly the wrong moment. Both come from love. Only one works. In this episode: Why hearing "divorce" triggers a crisis response in your brain — and why that response works against you The difference between your spouse making a decision and telling you where they are emotionally What the pursue-pressure pattern looks like — and the cost of following it Why your first instinct, even when it comes from love, tends to push your spouse further away The one shift that changes everything about how you respond Grab the free guide — what to do and what NOT to do in the next 24-72 hours

    15 min

  4. May 13

    CAN Every Marriage Be Saved??

    People ask me this all the time. And given that my website is called Save The Marriage, most assume they already know my answer. They're wrong. No. Not every marriage can (or should) be saved. I want to be straight about that. There are situations where saving the marriage is not the goal, and pursuing it would be a mistake. If that's where you are, this episode will tell you clearly. But here's what I also believe: far more marriages could be saved than actually are. And the gap between those two things — what's possible and what actually happens — usually comes down to three specific places where people get stuck. Not effort. Not even willingness. Three very specific places. And once you can see where you're stuck, the path forward gets a lot clearer. This episode also takes on the question I hear constantly from people working on their marriage alone: How do I know if it's too far gone? It's an honest question, and it deserves an honest answer — not false reassurance, but not unnecessary surrender either. There's also something in here about regret. Not as a motivational tactic, but as a real consideration. Because regret is what's left when we don't take action we wish we had. And that's hard to undo, no matter what happens next. This is episode 601. That's a milestone worth noting, and maybe worth listening to if you're standing at your own crossroads right now, trying to figure out whether to keep going or let go. The answer to the question isn't the same for everyone. But there's only one way to find out which answer is yours. RELATED RESOURCES:  The ARC of Saving Your Marriage There IS No Try Save The Marriage System

    21 min

  5. May 6

    Is Your Marriage Bankrupt — Or Just Overdrawn?

    Most people who contact me have already decided. They've looked at where things stand — the distance, the silence, the failed attempts — and they've reached a conclusion: it's too late. The damage is too deep. Nothing is going to work. Here's the problem with that conclusion. It's almost certainly wrong. Not because things aren't serious. They may be very serious. But because there's a critical difference between a marriage that is truly bankrupt and one that is simply overdrawn — and from the inside, those two things feel exactly the same. I've been using a metaphor lately when talking about marriage and connection, and it keeps resonating with people: the Connection Account. You and your spouse have been making deposits and withdrawals into this account your entire relationship. When you're connecting, really connecting,  you're building the balance. When life pulls you in other directions, you're spending it down. But here's what most people miss: neglect isn't neutral. Even when nothing is happening, no fights, no drama, just two people living parallel lives, the account is still losing ground. Because there are service fees attached to disconnection. Hurt. Resentment. The slow feeling of being disregarded. Those fees don't wait for you to notice them. They just keep running. So you hit the pause button without meaning to. And the balance keeps dropping. Until one day you look up and realize you're in the red — deeply overdrawn — and you assume that means you're bankrupt. But overdrawn and bankrupt are not the same thing. Bankruptcy isn't a starting condition. In the real world, both financial or relational, it's a conclusion reached after genuine effort has been made and hasn't moved the needle. Most people who self-diagnose as relationally bankrupt haven't actually tried yet. Not with skill. Not with consistency. Not with any real understanding of how connection is rebuilt. They feel bankrupt. And that feeling is real. But feeling bankrupt is not the same as being bankrupt. In this episode, I'm walking through the Connection Account — what it is, how it gets depleted, what the pause button actually does to the balance, and why the fear of bankruptcy may be the very thing keeping you from discovering that you're not. There's only one way to find out where you actually stand. And it starts with making a move. RELATED RESOURCES Dangers of Pause Podcast Episode "Should I Stay or Go" FREE Guide Save The Marriage System

    17 min

  6. Apr 29

    Dials and Switches

    No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch.  Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials --  in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Dangerous Tricks The No-Contact Rule 3C Approach Save The Marriage System

    14 min

  7. Apr 22

    How to Stop Dysregulaton Before it Stops You - EJ and Tarah Kerwin

    You weren't trying to blow it up. You weren't trying to say the thing that sent everything sideways. And yet — there you were, reactive and regretful, wondering how you got there so fast. That's dysregulation. And it is not a character flaw. It's not weakness. It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was wired to do — except it can't tell the difference between a threat in the wild and a look from your spouse across the kitchen. On this episode of the Save the Marriage Podcast, I sat down with EJ and Tara Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation, hosts of the Relationship Renovation Podcast, and a couple who — despite being trained therapists — found themselves in the thick of their own marriage crisis. They know this territory from the inside out. Here's what struck me most in our conversation: dysregulation doesn't always look like losing your temper. Sometimes it looks perfectly calm. Controlled. Logical, even. EJ describes how he would shut down internally — fully convinced he was being reasonable — while Tara's system was spinning. Two very different presentations of the same problem. And neither of them could see it clearly in the moment. That matters for you — even if you're navigating this alone. Because you can't control what your spouse does. But you can get much better at catching yourself before you're too far gone to course-correct. In this episode, we talk about: What it actually feels like in your body before you tip over the edge — and how to recognize the early signals Why a trigger is neutral until you assign meaning to it (and what that means for how you respond) The difference between facts and assumptions — and why that distinction can interrupt a spiral before it starts Why curiosity is the path back to empathy, and how your brain is actively working against you getting there This one is worth a listen. Not because every piece of it maps perfectly to working on a marriage alone — but because understanding your own regulation is the starting point for everything else. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Renovation Save The Marriage System

    46 min

  8. Apr 15

    Addicted to Blame?

    Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System

    17 min
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4.5
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413 Ratings

About

Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship. Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship. Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage.

Information

  • Creator
    Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Years Active
    2013 - 2026
  • Episodes
    200
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2013-2024. All Rights Reserved by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. and Aspire Coaching, Inc.
  • Show Website
    The Save The Marriage Podcast

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