On the Feast of All Souls, funeral celebrant and former priest David Linaker reflects on remembering the dead with gratitude, including those whose legacy is complicated. A reflection on grief, loss, estrangement and honouring the people who made us, with a simple candle ritual of remembrance. - Who are the dozen or so people, now dead, who made you who you are? The 2nd of November is the Feast of All Souls, the day the Christian calendar sets aside to remember the dead. Funeral celebrant and former Church of England priest David Linaker no longer holds to the old doctrine of praying for souls, yet he finds in the day an invitation to deliberate gratitude for the lives that have touched ours. In this episode David explores: * why we are a social species, and how deeply our lives depend on other people * the people he remembers at All Souls: the grandmother who raised him, the mother he lost at four, and the mentors who walked beside him for a time * why we see people as we are rather than as they are, and why that calls for humility and generosity towards the dead * finding gratitude where the legacy is complicated, told through his relationship with his father, from whom he was estranged for the last seven years of his life * why no one should be asked to whitewash real hurt or abuse, and why the question of gratitude can be left unanswered for now * why we go on loving the dead in the present tense From the episode: “We don’t see people as they are; we see people as we are.” This week’s practice: a ritual of remembranceAllow about half an hour. * Make a list of the people, now dead, who have most shaped your life: the people who showed you what love is by loving you, who had your back in difficult times, whose example you admired. Try to keep it to around a dozen; there is always next year. * Set out a tea light for each name (real or electric), or a single candle for the whole list. * Name each person in turn and light their tea light. If you are using one candle, light it at the start and read through the list. * Give each name at least a minute. Picture them, let your memory of them fill your mind, and dwell on what you are grateful for in what they left you. Keep tissues nearby. * When you reach the end of the list, close with a word of thanks, such as: “To all of you who have in some way formed who I am, I thank you.” If any name on the list is too painful for gratitude just now, set it aside. It can remain a question without an answer. I’d love to hear how the ritual goes for you. Do get in touch through Instagram or the website below. If someone you are grieving was estranged from you, in life or at the end of it, the free Christmas extract from my book Family Estrangement may be a companion for the season ahead: [LINK] Links * Website: https://www.davidlinaker.com * Instagram: @davidlinaker_author (https://www.instagram.com/davidlinaker_author) * Book: Finding Peace in the Second Half of Life: Love, Loss, Grief and the Search for Meaning: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GTYCZ5XB A rating or review helps others who are grieving to find the podcast, so do leave one if this episode meant something to you. This podcast offers reflection and companionship rather than counselling or professional support. Anyone in distress can call Samaritans, free and at any hour, on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or visit samaritans.org. Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe
