Julian Publication Podcast

Julian Brown

Welcome to my publication staycurious247.substack.com

  1. 2h ago

    Why I Choose Being Single

    The other night, I wanted to reach out to someone. Normally, I would have. This time, I didn’t. Not because I was angry. Not because I was trying to prove something. I simply thought about what would probably happen. I’ve had enough interactions with this person to have a reasonable idea. What I wanted wasn’t what I was likely to get. The feeling didn’t disappear because I understood that. I still wanted to reach out. I think sometimes our expectations take a little longer to catch up to reality. For a long time, I paid more attention to what a relationship could be. What a conversation could become. What someone might eventually be able to give. Now I’m trying to pay more attention to what actually happens. A lot of what looks like curiosity isn’t necessarily curiosity. Sometimes it’s a bridge. “How was your day?” can really mean, “Ask me about mine.” Someone can bring up something important to you because it creates an opening to talk about something important to them. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that. We all have needs. We all want to be heard. We all want reassurance sometimes. I do too. But I need something else alongside it. I want someone who wants to know me because knowing me is itself interesting to them. I don’t mind someone needing me. I don’t want needing me to become the structure of the relationship. Because once that happens, I start occupying a role I don’t want. I become the person who listens, reassures, understands, steadies, and absorbs. Eventually, I stop feeling like a partner and start feeling like a parent. I’ve learned that I’m not interested in that kind of relationship. That doesn’t mean I need someone who has everything figured out. I certainly don’t. I don’t need perfect emotional regulation. Perfect communication. Perfect reciprocity. I just want someone who can meet me somewhere near the middle. And that’s why being single doesn’t feel particularly tragic to me anymore. Being alone has a lower cost than being in an asymmetric relationship. That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone. I do. I’m open to meeting people. I’m open to being surprised. I’m even open to discovering that some of what I currently believe is wrong. But wanting a relationship doesn’t mean I have to want every version of one. Sometimes I still feel the urge to reach backward. Sometimes the projection arrives before reality does. That’s okay. I can feel it without following it. I’m not choosing against relationships. I’m choosing the kind of relationship I’d actually want to be in. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

  2. 6d ago

    It Works. That’s the Problem.

    Years ago, I built an application that worked perfectly fine. Later, with more experience, I realized it could have benefited from tools I already knew about when I built it. That was the strange part. I already had the tools. I just didn’t recognize when to use them. And there wasn’t much reason to. What I had built worked well enough. Recently, I noticed the same thing somewhere completely different. I was playing pickleball and wasn’t enjoying the game. Before long, I had constructed an explanation for why. Then I noticed myself cutting the other players down in my head. That made me stop. I realized I was reaching conclusions that were abrupt, unverified, and unchallenged. Again, I already had tools for dealing with that. I just hadn’t thought to use them. Both situations exposed the same problem: When something works well enough, there’s less reason to question it. And sometimes that’s perfectly fine. Improvement has a cost. Changing something that already accomplishes its goal isn’t automatically worthwhile. The problem is when local success prevents us from evaluating the larger goal. A process can accomplish its immediate task without serving the larger business. A conversation can resolve today’s disagreement without improving the relationship. A habit can get us through the day without taking us where we ultimately want to go. The pattern is the same: Something can work for what we’re doing right now without working as well for what we’re ultimately trying to accomplish. That’s where triggers become useful. A trigger isn’t a reason to change something. It’s a reason to reconsider it. Sometimes we build those triggers ahead of time through metrics, tests, checkpoints, or feedback. Sometimes experience teaches us what to look for. And sometimes we create our own. That’s what abrupt, unverified, and unchallenged has become for me. When all three appear together, I investigate. It doesn’t mean my conclusion is wrong. It means it’s worth another look. Sometimes that second look reveals a better approach. Sometimes it confirms that what we’re already doing is good enough. Both are useful. The goal isn’t to optimize everything. It’s to recognize when something that works locally deserves to be reconsidered globally. Because sometimes the thing preventing us from finding a better solution isn’t a lack of tools, knowledge, or resources. What we’re already doing simply works well enough that we never think to look. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

  3. Oct 8

    Focus on the Overlap

    I recently had a conversation with my mom that caught me off guard. She wanted to get a copy of my book into someone’s hands. At first, I assumed we were aiming for the same thing: get the book in front of someone, hope they read it, hope they like it. Then, as we kept talking, I realized something. We weren’t doing it for the same reason. For her, it was about her relationship with that person. A thoughtful gesture. A little maternal pride. The book was just a way of doing something nice for someone she knew. For me, it was about the book itself. Getting it into someone’s hands was part of what I was trying to accomplish. For a second, that difference bothered me. Wait. We’re not on the same page. Then I thought about it a little more. We didn’t need to be. She got something she wanted. I got something I wanted. And somehow, those things happened to overlap. That got me thinking about pickleball. Four people can walk onto a public court having never met, and there’s a good chance none of them are there for the same reason. One person wants exercise. Another wants to win. Someone else is trying to work on their third-shot drop. Someone else is mostly there to socialize. Those goals can be completely different. Yet the game still works. There’s already a shared structure. There’s a court, a net, rules, and a score. There is a basic agreement about what happens next. Nobody has to know why anyone else is there. There just has to be enough overlap to play the point. Relationships are harder because the lines aren’t painted for us. And sometimes we’re not even playing the same sport. A friendship might work one way. A romantic relationship another. A relationship with a parent might be different again. And even within the same relationship, the game can change. What someone needs today might not be what they need tomorrow. What I need can change, too. Sometimes in a matter of hours. So the question isn’t always, “Are we on the same page?” Maybe it’s: “Where do our pages overlap?” Sometimes that overlap is obvious. Sometimes it has to be defined. Sometimes you have to infer it, because neither person has a clean explanation for what they’re actually trying to accomplish. And sometimes there just isn’t enough overlap. That’s useful to know, too. Because maybe I spend too much time trying to get people onto the same page when I don’t actually need the whole page. Maybe I just need to find the part where we can play together. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

  4. Oct 3

    People Are Actually Okay

    For a long time, I carried a quiet assumption: If something could make someone stronger, why wouldn’t they want it? I didn’t think people were broken. I wasn’t trying to swoop in and rescue anyone. But whenever I saw a recurring friction in someone’s day—or an obvious way things could run smoother—my mind immediately jumped to the gap between where they were and where they could be. If a tool, a perspective, or a little discipline could build capacity, offering it felt like an obvious good. Then a small, routine exchange forced me to reconsider. Someone in my life regularly asks me, “How did you sleep?” Usually, I answer, “Good.” It’s a familiar rhythm that runs on habit: they ask, I give the expected response, and we both move on with the day. On this particular morning, I genuinely hadn’t slept well. So I answered casually, but honestly: “Not that well.” Nothing changed on their end. No pause, no follow-up question, no shift in energy. The conversation simply continued as usual. It made me stop and ask myself: What has to be true for this to make sense? My theory was that I was answering the literal question, while for them, the question may have been serving a completely different function. Maybe it was pure habit. Maybe it was an unconscious check on the relationship—a gentle way of confirming connection before starting the morning. I don’t know which it was, and I probably can’t know. What struck me was the realization that two people can participate in the exact same exchange while assigning it entirely different functions. I was focused on the information being exchanged. They may have been focused on the ritual of exchanging it. At first, it felt weird. I was now aware of the difference, and they weren’t. Before that morning, everything had seemed fine because I had no reason to notice a difference. Now, I was carrying the cognitive load of seeing the asymmetry between us. Then I thought about it: As long as the goal of the interaction is being met, who cares? If their goal was simply a friendly touchpoint to start the day, the exchange worked. It did its job. People can operate from completely different interpretations and still have an interaction that works perfectly well for both of them. Except now, I was left holding this new awareness. And I couldn’t help wondering: Was that extra load even worth it? It was so much easier when I didn’t see the difference. That awareness came with a cost—a weird, uncomfortable transition where the old ease was gone, but the new way of navigating hadn’t settled yet. And that was when it finally occurred to me: Do you need to grow if you’re already meeting your goals anyway? Growth isn’t free. Even good change usually requires an uncomfortable transition—a period of shedding an old equilibrium before the new one feels natural. You lose the peace of ignorance. You face the headache of the in-between. Sometimes you end up sore. I’m not going to lie: there are days when I’ve caught myself wishing I could have that ignorance back. The discomfort isn’t permanent, of course. Just like the gym, if you make the jump from lifting 50 pounds to 70 pounds, you’re going to be sore for a while. Eventually, your body adapts. It might take a week, a month, or a year, but the heavier weight becomes the new baseline. The real question isn’t whether you can adapt. The question is: did you need to jump to 70 pounds in the first place? If your goal is to lift 200 pounds and you’re currently at 50, progressive overload makes sense. You accept the soreness because it serves the capacity you’re trying to build. Growth isn’t a villain. But it is goal-dependent. If 50 pounds is all you need to handle your life, jumping to 70 isn’t an automatic upgrade. It’s just soreness for a load you never planned to carry. It was only then that I realized I had been doing the exact same thing when looking at other people’s lives. I was spotting a gap between their current reality and what they could become, and automatically treating that gap as a problem simply because I could see a way to improve it. I was measuring their situation against my measuring stick. This doesn’t mean everyone is objectively thriving, or that no one ever needs to change. People can be inefficient, caught in loops, or just getting by. I don’t have to agree with someone’s choices to recognize that those choices might be entirely adequate for what they are trying to do. In reference to what I might prioritize, their situation might look like something to fix. But in reference to their own baseline, they may be doing just fine. What looks like an unresolved issue from the outside may simply be an equilibrium that works from the inside. That made me rethink when growth actually matters. It matters when someone has reached a boundary. When their current baseline is no longer enough. Their old equilibrium might still function, but their goal has changed. They want something different, and because their goal has shifted, the discomfort of the transition is finally worth paying. Recognizing that people are okay where they are didn’t leave me cynical. It felt like putting down a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying. I don’t have to treat every gap as a deficiency, and I don’t have to volunteer everyone else for a workout they never asked for. People are fine. And that means I can rest easy. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

  5. Sep 10

    Chapter 1: The Misaligned Walk

    Available on: Amazon & Google Play Store She pulled a cold fry from the paper basket, dragged it through a smear of ketchup on the liner, and popped it in her mouth. Across the Formica table, he was leaning on his forearms, watching her. “And then he comes over to my desk,” she said, dropping her voice into a thin, nasal squeak: “‘We really need to optimize the quarterly deliverables before the deck goes to legal.’” He snorted into his coffee mug, catching a spill with a folded paper napkin. The waitress came by, tilting a glass pot with an orange plastic handle. He didn’t say anything; he just nudged her mug forward an inch with the tip of his spoon. The waitress filled it to the brim with decaf and moved on to the counter. She reached for the sugar shaker, poured a steady stream into the coffee, and stirred it until the spoon clicked against the ceramic bottom. “You’re going to be bouncing off the walls at midnight,” he said, shaking his head with a grin. “It’s decaf,” she said, looking up over the rim of the cup. “It’s warm and it tastes like sugar. Mind your business.” He reached across the table, grabbed two fries from her basket, and ate them both in one bite. She kicked his sneaker under the table. When the check landed face-down between the salt and pepper shakers, she reached into her bag and pulled out two crumpled bills. He slid them back toward her elbow, laid a plastic card in the tray, and signed the merchant receipt while she pulled her coat off the vinyl seat. At the register, his hand rested against the small of her back as she held the door open for an older man with an umbrella. Outside, the rain smelled like wet dirt and pavement. Wet gravel crunched under their boots in the dark lot. Two thuds sealed the doors. The dashboard glowed faint blue—10:14 PM. The heater sputtered, blowing a draft of cold air across their hands before the vents warmed up. She flipped down the visor, clicked on the vanity light, and smoothed an eyebrow in the mirror with the pad of her thumb. He shifted into reverse, checked his side mirror, and turned to look over his right shoulder. “My sister texted earlier,” he said, easing his foot off the brake. “She asked if we’re coming up for the whole weekend next month, or just Saturday night.” Her hand stayed on the edge of the visor. The vanity light cast a sharp yellow square across her cheek. The car idled, tires stopped on the gravel. “I don’t know,” she said, her voice dropping flat. “Can we not figure that out right now?” His foot went back down on the brake. The reverse lights shut off. He clicked the shifter back into park. He turned his torso toward the passenger seat, his right forearm resting across the top of the center console. “We don’t have to book anything tonight,” he said. His voice was quiet, slow, deliberate. “I just noticed you went quiet. Did I say something wrong?” She didn’t turn around. She clicked the vanity light off, pushed the visor up until it snapped against the roof, and locked her fingers together over her purse in her lap. “Nothing’s wrong,” she said, looking straight out through the windshield at the rain pooling in the gravel. “I’m just tired. I just want to go home.” “You were laughing three minutes ago.” He leaned forward an inch, his brow furrowing. “If you don’t want to go up to her place, that’s completely fine. Just tell me. Why keep it inside?” Her knuckles clenched tight against the strap of her bag. Her shoulders stayed drawn up toward her ears. “Why does every single thing have to become a project?” she whispered. Her voice had a slight tremor in it. “Can we just drive home? Please?” “I’m not making it a project,” he said, holding his palms up from the console. “I asked one question. You pulled back like I hit you. How am I supposed to know what’s going on if you shut down every time I ask?” She turned her head toward the passenger window, pressing her forehead against the cool glass. The condensation fogged up where her breath hit the pane. “I’m not shutting down,” she said into the glass. “I’m asking for ten minutes of quiet.” “Okay,” he said. He nodded twice, staring at the side of her face. “Okay.” He took his arm off the console, placed both hands at the top of the steering wheel, and pulled the shifter into drive. The gravel popped under the tires as the car rolled out onto the empty two-lane road. The wipers swept back and forth across the glass. Thump-drag, thump-drag. The tires hummed over the wet highway asphalt. Every four seconds, a yellow streetlight passed overhead, casting a quick glare across the dashboard before plunging the cabin back into shadow. They sat twelve inches apart, coats touching against the center armrest, neither of them moving. The digital clock blinked: 10:22 PM. At a red light three miles from their exit, the car came to a smooth stop. He lifted his right hand from the wheel, moved it across the gap, and laid his palm flat on her knee. Her leg remained completely rigid under the denim. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t lean into it either. Her gaze stayed fixed on the red circle glowing against the black sky. The light turned green. He lifted his hand and placed it back on the wheel. The key turned in the brass deadbolt of 4B. She kicked her boots into the plastic tray by the door, took her coat straight down the hallway into the bedroom, and closed the bathroom door behind her. A second later, the pipes in the wall groaned as the cold water ran. He emptied his pockets into the ceramic dish on the entryway table: keys, wallet, a receipt from the diner folded in half. He hung his jacket on the middle peg. In the kitchen, the refrigerator door opened with a soft suction sound. He took down two glasses from the cabinet, poured water from the pitcher, and carried one into the bedroom. He set it on her side of the nightstand next to her phone charger, centering it on the cork coaster. When the bathroom door opened, she came out in an oversized gray T-shirt, barefoot, her face washed clean, the skin around her eyes slightly red. She walked past him without looking up. She didn’t touch the glass of water. She pulled back the corner of the duvet, climbed into bed, and rolled immediately onto her left shoulder, facing the wall. He walked around to his side of the bed. He unbuckled his belt, hung his jeans over the back of the wooden chair in the corner, and set his watch on his nightstand. He reached over and clicked off the bedside lamp. The room went black, except for the blue digital clock on the cable box across from the foot of the bed: 10:48 PM. Under the blanket, two feet of empty sheet separated them. Neither of them shifted. Outside, the tires of a passing car hissed over wet asphalt, the sound fading into the distance until the room was completely quiet again. Read the Behind the Scenes deconstruction This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

  6. Aug 28

    Trading Bios

    Quick Summary This deep dive analyzes the personal essay “What Dating Apps Taught Me About My Own Process,”exploring how modern digital platforms systematically trap communication in perpetual evaluation rather than genuine exploration. * The Two-Phase Tension: Early connection naturally breaks into two distinct stages: Phase 1 (The Profile), which is solitary data vetting, and Phase 2 (The Match), where open-ended exploration and organic curiosity are supposed to begin. Friction occurs when the interaction never transitions out of vetting, resulting in a tedious loop of “trading bios”—exchanging static, resume-like facts without ever picking up a narrative thread. * Survival Adaptation, Not Malice: Managing 10 to 15 concurrent chats creates severe choice paralysis and cognitive overload. Treating matches like museum placards to be quickly read and sorted is an efficient survival mechanism for high volume, not a deliberate moral failure or character flaw. * The Real-Time Test & Epiphany: When attempting to force Phase 2 exploration with open-ended questions, the environment actively resists and conversations stall out. The core realization is that the evaluation phase is the intended interaction of the platform—a prolonged vetting dynamic that bleeds past the app into texts, calls, and in-person dates. * Clarity Over Bitterness: Diagnosing this mechanical mismatch allows users to step away from the cycle without cynicism or self-blame. Walking away isn’t an admission of defeat; it is the conscious decision to stop forcing an internal operating system built for deep exploration into an environment engineered strictly for inventory management. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

    Trading Bios
  7. Aug 26

    Deep Dive: The Definition Problem

    Quick Summary This deep dive analyzes the essay “The Definition Problem,” unpacking why online interactions frequently hit sudden dead ends even when both participants possess strong communication skills and genuine mutual interest. * Volume of Effort vs. Direction of Effort: When an articulate match abruptly shifts from long, passionate answers to brief sentences with zero returned questions, our reflex is to label it “low effort”. However, the core issue is directional: one person is pouring energy into explaining their own world (building a solitary tower) rather than investing energy into learning about the other person (building a bridge). * The Mutual Exchange Model vs. The Evaluator Mindset: Conversations stall when participants operate on clashing mental models: * Mutual Exchange: A collaborative, back-and-forth volley where both people ask questions, volunteer information, and uncover compatibility through shared vulnerability. * The Evaluator Mindset: A defensive posture—born from app burnout and cognitive overload—where a user shows up like an observer with a clipboard, analyzing responses, handling of silence, and initiative without offering reciprocal curiosity. * Evaluator Meets Evaluator (The Structural Standstill): When two defensive evaluators match, the interaction instantly flatlines. Both sit back waiting for the other person to run the maze and prove their worth. Because neither extends vulnerable initiative, both walk away assuming the other was uninterested, when they were actually just structurally gridlocked. * Reframing Rejection as a Definition Mismatch: Reframing stalled chats from a moral or personal failure (“they’re lazy” or “I’m boring”) to a structural mismatch (“what kind of interaction do they think we’re having?”) removes the sting of rejection across dating apps, professional networking, and adult friendships. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit staycurious247.substack.com

    Deep Dive: The Definition Problem

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Welcome to my publication staycurious247.substack.com