The last argument was about where the plunger goes. Not the wallpaper. Not the marble. The plunger. Months of decisions, some of them expensive, and the last one standing was whether a rubber cup on a stick gets a home in a room I built like it mattered. It does. Under the sink, behind the skirt. Everything gets a place. Even the thing nobody wants to see. The room is five feet wide and twelve feet long. The smallest room in a two-hundred-year-old house. There was a whole house asking. I picked this one. It was the only one I could hold. The first room I ever made was ten feet by eight, off campus. A relationship that was wrong in ways I could not say out loud yet. Bus rides in the rain. I came home to that room and worked on it because it was the one thing that answered when I did. I cut cheap linoleum tiles with a blade and laid a floor. I repainted the walls three times a year with a little speaker going loud enough to feel like company. The bed got done last, every time. I did not know what I was doing. I knew that if I changed the room, something changed in me, and back then that was the only trade on the table. So when it was time to make something again, I started where I always start. The floor. Bardiglio and Carrara. Grey and white marble laid in a checkerboard on the diamond, because the diagonal makes a small room lie about its size. The people before us had done the room in country farmhouse. Peacock drapes. Candlestick sconces wearing little lampshades. Bronze everything. I took all of it down. The sink stayed. Old hammered brass, shaped by somebody’s actual hands, and I had it restored instead of replaced. The drain part was hard to find, and when it finally turned up the sink was too old to take all of it, so the overflow is shut now. I gave up a working drain for a nod to history. The window stayed too, and it lets in a little of every season it is supposed to keep out. That is how I feel about old houses. This one is older than my last name. The name crossed water to get here. They say it was spelled different once, and nobody wrote down when it changed. The past gets to linger in the recesses. It does not get to run the place. The old things in this room kept their jobs by being forgiven something. Then the walls. Navy so dark it reads black, textured like crocodile, which sounds like a lot and is a lot, and the room is five feet wide, so a lot is the assignment. A mirror across the whole wall to throw the light back. I almost did not do it. For two days I kept asking whether to trade it for a small shaped mirror and more crocodile. The room would have been a hallway. Then the mirror went in with a gap down each side, and I asked the glass man if flush was fair. It was not. Glass needs room to move or it cracks, and old walls are never straight. So Charlie bent a strip of black molding to follow the walls, black so it reads as one more shadow in the crocodile. The house was not going to straighten out for a mirror. Alabaster sconces shaped like eggs, bronze at the base, and I hung them at average eye level, which is not my eye level. I am six three. I lit the room for everyone who is not me. The ceiling bulbs came sealed in the box, labeled warm. The label said one thing. The light said another. The light won. Paint took twenty-seven swatches and then it took mixing. There is a paint store with an old bell on the door and a woman inside who never once rushed me. At some point we stopped choosing colors and started building one. She was afraid of too much white. Then, on the next sample, afraid of too much black. Somewhere in there we added red. I could not tell you why. The eye said closer. The cans came home numbered in marker, and the two that won say This is it on the lid, starred, in my handwriting, over a label that just reads custom. The color in that room does not have a name. It has a formula and a phone number. The sink got a skirt. Genevieve Gorder wants movement in a skirt. Some pattern, some life. She is right for most rooms. I held plain camel anyway. Gathered, hemmed a quarter inch off the floor so it floats without showing you it floats. One evening mid-build I asked, is this too feminine. Nobody answered. Everything stayed. The Roman shade was custom, and it still came out of the box in creases. Oyster, cordless, because a two-year-old lives here and cords are for houses without two-year-olds. I stood at the window with the steamer until the folds broke where folds are supposed to break. The smallest room made the biggest mess. Dust from a five by twelve found the whole first floor, and for weeks my son’s favorite toys sat captive in the living room, the indoor slide too, and he was a year and a half old with opinions about it. So every evening after the guys wrapped, we cleaned. Swept, wiped down, got the dust off everything a small person touches. Then he got his slide back until morning. There is a brass heron on the wall now. A hook for a hand towel. The heron is old too, found on eBay, off the wall of somebody else’s old house. And a great blue visits us most mornings at dawn and gets his breakfast from the creek, so the hook is his. I measured it twelve and a half inches off the mirror edge, hook point at fifty-two, checked it twice against the sconce before I let the drill touch old plaster. Then the towel went on backorder until August. So the heron hung there empty for weeks, holding a job it could not do yet, and I looked at it every day anyway. There is a towel on it now, a stand-in, and it is wrong. It is supposed to sit a half inch off the marble and it dusts it instead. But my son is two, and he needs somewhere to dry his hands after the potty, and after running in the grass along the creek where the real one eats. The wrong towel hangs on the right hook. The baseboard heater was built in place, the metal cut and shaped around the mechanism by the heater man’s own hands, and the metal only comes white. White in a navy room. The answer was paint, except the wall is not paint, it is textured crocodile, so this meant matching a color to a material. We scanned a scrap and tinted an enamel that can take the heat, satin so it would not shine. It does not match the wall. Nothing could. The goal was for it to recede. It reads as shadow now. Placement night was its own campaign. The cognac leather trash can got rotated so its cleaner face greets the door. The brass tissue holder moved in one-inch increments until the wall pushed back and that was that. Somewhere in the middle of it I typed a note to myself, Can I’ve tissue holder closer to wall. I took notes every day, in and out of that room, and read them back every time I regrouped. I am leaving the typo. And when everything was placed I stepped back and saw a thing nobody planned. Brass sitting low. Wood in the middle. Sculpture up top. The room had layered itself while I was busy arguing inches. In the college room the bed got done last, every time. Here it was the art. It went up at 10:22 at night. A Cristina Martinez print in a custom frame, and I centered it on the toilet, not the wall, because the frame answers the object below it, and because the composition has to work twice. Once straight on. Once in the mirror. The print is signed, the edges torn rough where the paper was made, and a mat would have covered them. I wrote myself a note, I don’t want to cover the edges. So it floats on a board with the whole edge showing, and the board took four rounds. Antique White looked yellow. Cloud looked too grey. Fog never had a chance. Smooth White won by being the plainest thing left after every interesting option failed the eye. Same verdict as the camel. And it is a print. It is holding the wall until the real painting comes available. I framed it like forever anyway. I did not buy any of this fast. The samples sat in the room for weeks and I watched them under every light the day had before I ordered a thing. Then I ordered all of it in one sitting. Deciding was the work. Buying was the receipt. The room is done, except it is not. A marble hand pump is still on a truck somewhere between a warehouse and my door. And there is the branch. Manzanita, standing in a small vase under the sconce, measured so it would hold three inches of air below the egg, and on the last cut I chipped it. You cannot see the chip from the door. I see it every time. I may buy another branch and try the cut again. I may leave it. I have not decided and I am in no hurry to. Some evenings I stand in there with nothing to do. The room goes dark but still glows. It settles me. The wallpaper still smells new. The door is old and creaks a little. The WD-40 holds for a while. The creak comes back. But here is the thing I keep standing in the doorway with. The room is right. The floor still lies about its size, the way I asked it to. Every argument in here got settled, down to the plunger. And something is missing. I have gone through it object by object looking for the gap and there is no gap. I do not know what it is. It does not have a name yet. It is also why I have not had the room photographed, not properly. A proper photograph goes on the record, and the record says finished. I am not ready to say that. Every one of the phone pictures has me in the mirror anyway. Maybe it comes with the towel. Here is the part I would say to someone still in it. When the whole thing is more than you can hold, stop trying to hold the whole thing. Pick your five by twelve. One product. One page of the deck. Whatever your hands actually fit around. Then finish it all the way down, past the pretty decisions into where the plunger goes. Finishing something small teaches your hands what done feels like. Your hands keep that. Still in the middle. Get full access to In the Middle at readinthemiddle.com/subscribe
