112 episodes

Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else.

They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life!

Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way?

In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid.

And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People TruStory FM

    • Business
    • 4.7 • 62 Ratings

Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else.

They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life!

Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way?

In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid.

And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

    Married or Divorced? Examining Women's Happiness in Relationships

    Married or Divorced? Examining Women's Happiness in Relationships

    Are Women Happier Married or Divorced?
    In this thought-provoking episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the complex topic of women's happiness in marriage. They explore recent research and articles that suggest women should get divorced to find happiness, and then offer their own insights and experiences to provide a balanced perspective.
    Examining the ClaimsBill and Megan start by discussing a book that claims 70% of divorces are initiated by women who are tired, fed up, and unhappy in their marriages. However, they point out that there are many reasons women may file for divorce first, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are more unhappy than men. They also note that while women historically have done more housework and childcare, many men today are stepping up as equal partners and caregivers.
    Finding Balance and HappinessThe hosts emphasize that happiness is possible both within marriage and while being single. They stress the importance of being a whole person, making good choices in partners, and developing strong relationship skills. Bill shares statistics showing that the vast majority of married women, especially those with children, report being happy in their marriages. However, they acknowledge that being a single parent is often the most challenging situation.
    Questions we answer in this episode:
    Are women happier being married or divorced?What factors contribute to women's happiness in relationships?How are gender roles and expectations changing in modern marriages?What relationship skills are essential for a happy marriage?Key Takeaways:
    Both men and women can be happy married or singleRelationship skills are crucial for success in marriage and other areas of lifeMarried women, especially those with children, report high levels of happinessSingle parenting is often the most challenging situationIt's important to be a whole person and make good choices in partnersThis episode offers a nuanced look at the complex question of women's happiness in marriage. By examining recent claims, sharing personal experiences, and diving into statistics, Bill and Megan provide valuable insights and perspective. Listeners will come away with a better understanding of the factors that contribute to happiness in relationships and the importance of developing strong relationship skills.
    Links & Other Notes
    POLLTake our anonymous poll here: Marriage and Women Poll BOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life HellGenerations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents―and What They Mean for America's FutureARTICLESWomen are Divorcing and Finally Finding HappinessWho is Happiest? Married Mothers and Fathers, Per the Latest General Social SurveyTo Be Happy, Marriage Matters More Than Career (NY Times article)Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:35) - Women’s Thoughts About Marriage
    (01:18) - Women Should Get Divorced to Find Happiness?
    (10:56) - Finding the Balance
    (15:03) - Statistics
    (18:50) - Relationship Skills
    (24:14) - Last Thoughts
    (25:51) - Poll
    (26:52) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Child Custody

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    • 27 min
    Navigating Concerns of Factitious Disorder: When High Conflict Distorts Perceptions

    Navigating Concerns of Factitious Disorder: When High Conflict Distorts Perceptions

    Navigating Factitious Disorder and Child Custody DisputesIn this informative episode, Bill and Megan explore the complicated intersection of factitious disorder, child custody disputes, and high conflict personalities.
    Bill and Megan start by explaining what factitious disorder is, how it manifests, and its implications in child custody cases. They share insights from their experience in family law and high conflict disputes.
    Key topics covered include:
    The shift in terminology from Munchausen syndrome to factitious disorder and what this change signifiesPrevalence data showing these disorders are rare but have severe impacts when presentHow factitious disorders often involve misperceptions and disagreements about a child's health/medical needsThe role of personality disorders and their distorted perceptions in driving conflictStrategies for navigating these disputes like seeking multiple professional opinions and getting courts involveHow to appropriately communicate concerns to healthcare providers without biasing their perspectiveThe risks of improperly questioning or influencing children directlyQuestions we answer in this episode:
    What is factitious disorder and how is it relevant in child custody cases?What tips can help address concerns about a child's health in a constructive manner?How do personality disorders relate to conflict around children's health?When is it appropriate to involve the legal system in disputes about a child's care?What are the risks of discussing health concerns directly with your child?Key Takeaways:
    Factitious disorders are rare but can severely impact child custody cases when presentSeeking multiple professional opinions can help determine if concerns are validPersonality disorders often involve distorted perceptions driving conflictLegal interventions may be needed to protect children from excessive medical testingNever interrogate or influence children directly about suspected disordersThis practical episode offers guidance for any parents or family members concerned about potential factitious disorders and child health conflicts. Bill and Megan share their expertise to help listeners thoughtfully and safely address these challenging situations.
    Links & Other Notes
    BOOKSDon’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict DivorceCOURSES/VIDEOSErasing Family Documentary with Resistance/Refusal Commentary from Bill EddyResistance, Refusal and the Child’s BrainPROFESSIONAL TRAININGNew Ways for FamiliesFor Counselors- training specifically for counselors to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases, including those with resistance/refusalFor Coaches: training specifically for divorce and co-parenting coaches to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases or in any caseOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:35) - Factitious Order by Proxy
    (01:18) - What Is It?
    (05:52) - How to Intervene?
    (10:33) - Patterns
    (11:52) - Histrionic
    (16:55) - Speaking with Medical Professionals
    (20:58) - Discuss with the Child?
    (23:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Marriage and Women's Thoughts About It

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    • 25 min
    Drawing the Line: Setting Boundaries for External Conflicts at Work

    Drawing the Line: Setting Boundaries for External Conflicts at Work

    Keeping the Peace: Managing High Conflict Issues at WorkOn this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan tackle how employers and managers can set healthy boundaries around discussing divisive societal issues at work. They provide guidance on creating a respectful, productive environment when employees have strong, differing opinions.
    Bill and Megan explain that while online conversations may feel more hostile lately, research shows it’s often due to a small group of aggressive, status-driven people. When divisive issues come up at work, reasonable people tend to disengage, allowing bullies to dominate the dialogue. This can deteriorate workplace culture and community.
    To maintain a cohesive team, leaders must set clear guidelines about acceptable communication. Bill suggests focusing on keeping conflicts impersonal and issues-based, not attacking people’s character. Megan adds that while managers have limited power to enforce culture alone, they can coach employees one-on-one on respectful communication.
    HR can recommend coaching to improve behaviors vs. immediately firing staff. Employees feeling bullied should speak up, understand their options, and get assertiveness training if needed. With the right boundaries and empathy, organizations can productively navigate sensitive topics.
    Questions we answer in this episode:
    How can managers discourage divisive talk when company policy is unclear?What coaching strategies can HR use for staff exhibiting bullying behaviors?What should employees do if they feel targeted by a workplace bully?Key Takeaways:
    Research shows online hostility comes from a vocal minority of aggressive people.Leaders must set guidelines to keep conflict impersonal and issues-based.Coaching can help managers, HR, and staff communicate respectfully.Employees feeling bullied should speak up and understand their options.With the right boundaries, companies can stay productive despite disagreements.Setting clear expectations while extending empathy enables workplaces to keep the peace during polarizing times. Tune in to hear Bill and Megan’s insightful guidance on fostering understanding.
    Links & Other Notes
    BOOKSOur New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them ― How to Stop ThemBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleCOACHING & OTHER RESOURCESLive Lab™: 1:1 Coaching for Managing High-Conflict SituationsLive Lab Writing: learn to write BIFF Responses to hostile email or any written communicationLive Lab Verbal: learn to have conversations with high-conflict peopleLive Lab Boundaries: learn to set limits with high-conflict peopleCoaching for EmployeesTRAINING FOR WORKPLACE PROFESSIONALSNew Ways for Work® Coaches Training (for human resources, employee relations, and other coaches)Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:37) - External Issues Brought Into the Workplace
    (02:10) - Are People Becoming More High Conflict Online?
    (05:26) - Online Conflict Attractive to HCPs?
    (08:25) - Who's Doing More Bullying?
    (11:38) - Rules to Avoid Dominating the Conversation
    (14:36) - What Should an Organization Do?
    (21:41) - When Lacking Internal Support
    (22:51) - Setting Guidelines
    (24:17) - HR or Employment Relations
    (26:50) - When the Employee
    (31:07) - Wrap Up

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    • 32 min
    Red Flags in Teen Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 2

    Red Flags in Teen Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 2

    Navigating the Storm of Teen RelationshipsIn this eye-opening episode of 'It's All Your Fault', hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute dive into the turbulent world of teen dating and relationship violence. Aimed at understanding and influencing the complexities of young people's interactions, this installment sheds light on how personality disorders could affect adolescent relationships, the emergence of digital violence, and strategies for intervention and prevention.
    Understanding Teen Dating ViolenceBill and Megan explore the significance of personality development in adolescents and its potential impact on dating violence. Discussions revolve around impulse control and interpersonal functioning, with a focus on borderline and antisocial personality disorders. The conversation is directed at parents and teens to recognize early signs of high conflict behaviors and the importance of intervention during adolescence. The episode also highlights the effectiveness of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and offers resources for those seeking help.
    Questions we answer in this episode:
    Do personality disorders matter in teen relationships?Can personality traits indicate a proclivity for relationship violence?How do peer attitudes influence teen dating violence?What role does gender inequality play in teen relationships?Why is self-regulation important to address in teens?Key Takeaways:
    Early personality development impacts adolescent dating behaviors.Impulse control and interpersonal dysfunction are key areas in personality disorders.Peer attitudes can have a stronger influence on teens than parental behavior.Gender inequality beliefs are risk factors for teen dating violence.Early intervention can help teens with high conflict behaviors adjust more effectively.Why This Episode is a Must-ListenBill and Megan's discussion is not just insightful—it's critical for understanding the dynamics at play in teen dating violence. This episode provides an essential guide for parents, educators, and teens to recognize and react to high conflict situations. By tuning in, you'll gain the knowledge to identify early warning signs and learn about the resources available to help manage and prevent relationship violence among young people. Don't miss out on this crucial conversation.
    Links & Other Notes
    WEBSITES ON TEEN DATING VIOLENCE AND DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPYBloom365Free Dialectical Behavior Therapy coursesHopeforBPDBOOKSGenerations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents―and What They Mean for America's FutureThe Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of TraumaDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life HellARTICLESNew Research Finds A Connection Between Domestic Violence And These Two Personality DisordersRESEARCHPersonality disorders as predictors of intimate partner violence: A meta-analysisDating ViolenceOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:34) - Relationship Violence Part 2: Teen Relationships
    (00:50) - Personality Disorders in Teens
    (03:47) - Hot Reactive Violence vs. Cold Calculating Violence
    (06:17) - Resources
    (07:16) - TDV: Teen Dating Violence
    (12:19) - More Resources
    (14:36) - Digital Violence
    (23:46) - How to Approach Your Teen
    (25:49) - Setting Up Expetations
    (26:51) - TDV in Gen-Z
    (34:12) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict at Work

    Want to learn more about BIFF and EAR responses? We have a lab that's designed for anyone. Click here to learn more about our Live Lab. Sign up today!

    • 35 min
    Red Flags in Adult Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 1

    Red Flags in Adult Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 1

    Bill and Megan explore the complex issue of relationship violence, focusing on factors that may predict aggressive behaviors and how to identify potentially abusive relationships. In this first part of a two-part discussion, they examine relationship violence through the lens of adult intimate partner relationships. The second part will focus specifically on teen dating violence. Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on.
    Questions we answer in this episode:
    What personality disorders or traits are associated with an increased risk for domestic violence?How can you spot early warning signs of a potentially abusive partner?What is coercive control and how does it relate to domestic violence?What happens in the brain when someone lacks impulse control?How can we avoid “jamming our own radar” in relationships?Key Takeaways:
    Not everyone with a personality disorder will become abusive, but certain disorders like antisocial and borderline PD are risk factors.Pay attention to charm, immediate strong attachment, and “love bombing” as possible red flags when dating.Coercive control refers to non-physical ways an abuser maintains power, like isolation, verbal threats, financial control.Impulse control problems may stem from an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex or traumatic childhood experiences.Going through personal crises or having unrealistic relationship expectations can blind us to warning signs.In part one of this vital two-part discussion, Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on. Tune in to gain knowledge that could help you or someone you care about build healthy, safe relationships.
    Links & Other Notes
    BOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hellavailable in paperback, audio, and e-book anywhere books are sold. Here are a few places you can get it.Get it on High Conflict Institute siteOn Amazon USOn Amazon AustraliaOn Amazon CanadaDATING RADAR SURVEY RESULTSRead results from entire survey here (scroll and click on “Read Dating Radar Survey Results”)HOTLINEUS Domestic Violence HotlineUS Hotline #: 800-799-7233ARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipPersonality Disorders and Intimate Partner ViolenceHIB PubMed article databaseDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?COURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsMediation in Domestic Violence CasesLIVE LABLive Lab: 1:1 coaching sessions to learn to use BIFF Responses, EAR Statements, and to set limitsOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:35) - Relationship Violence Part 1: Adults
    (02:50) - Survey Results
    (08:19) - What Jams Our Radar?
    (14:00) - Impulse Control
    (19:48) - Factors in Violent Tendencies
    (28:55) - Domestic Violence in Family Law
    (33:49) - How Do You Know You’re in a Domestic Violence Relationship?
    (35:45) - Coercive Controlling Violence
    (39:49) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence Part 2: Teens

    Want to learn more about BIFF and EAR responses? We have a lab that's designed for anyone. Click here to learn more about our Live Lab. Sign up today!

    • 41 min
    Setting Limits Without Going Over the Line

    Setting Limits Without Going Over the Line

    Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle an important but tricky topic in this episode - how to set healthy boundaries with others when tensions run high. Whether it's a contentious divorce, difficult coworker, or suspected lies, Bill and Megan provide realistic examples and actionable advice to constructively handle high-conflict situations. Tune in to learn techniques to establish boundaries while remaining calm and keeping conflicts small. This episode delivers takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
    They provide tips across three common scenarios:
    Co-parenting after divorce: Look to standards or common practices as a starting point. Focus on protecting the children and not discussing certain topics in front of them. You can only control your own behavior - walk away if tensions escalate.Workplace conflicts: Practice using the BIF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) method in emails or conversations. Don't engage in unnecessary battles - end conversations if needed.Suspected lies: Always consider three perspectives - it could be true, false, or somewhere in between. Don't react emotionally or you may become a target of blame. Reality test tactfully if needed.Bill and Megan stress practicing these techniques and finding simple but memorable phrases to use when setting boundaries. Their realistic examples and actionable advice provide takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
    Links & Other Notes
    LIVE LAB: 1:1 coaching to learn skills (setting limits, BIFF Responses, CalmB4Think)ARTICLE: 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries ARTICLE: Need to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give ‘Em Your EARARTICLE: 4 Ways to Set Limits at WorkCOURSE: Conflict Influencer™ Certification Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

    (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
    (00:34) - Kicking Off Season Four
    (01:10) - Setting Limits in High Conflict Situations
    (02:00) - Co-Parenting
    (10:00) - The Work World
    (15:52) - Lying
    (26:26) - Wrapping Up
    (26:57) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence

    Want to learn more about BIFF and EAR responses? We have a lab that's designed for anyone. Click here to learn more about our Live Lab. Sign up today!

    • 28 min

Customer Reviews

4.7 out of 5
62 Ratings

62 Ratings

danger_ryan ,

Helpful

As a person with difficult personalities in my life, this podcast has been very helpful on how to deal with them. Also it helps to know that it’s not your fault and not feel guilty when there are conflicts.

Succeding ,

Thank YOU Bill and Meghan!!!

Wonder why setting boundaries on alienated children could possibly helps them turnaround?

🐴👨🏾🐴🐴👨🏾👨🏾🐴🐴👨🏾🐴 ,

Life changing!

As a daughter of an HCP father (with likely other undiagnosed personality disorders), I never could never quite describe his behaviors to others. As soon as I listened to the first episode, I knew that I finally had a name for his behavior. He has caused and continues to cause much chaos in our family, even at 78 years old. My poor mother should have divorced him years ago but hoped that things would get better. I have tried the BIFF responses and they do seem to be helpful some of the time. Unfortunately these types of people are unable or unwilling to change so managing the behavior is the best that I can do. I truly enjoy the episodes as I feel now like I'm not the only one out there experiencing these issues. Thanks Bill and Megan!

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