84 episodes

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

It's Christmastown Vigorous Marvin

    • Comedy
    • 4.9 • 151 Ratings

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

    102 - Everybody's All Liotta

    102 - Everybody's All Liotta

    We're adding A DASH OF LOVE (2017) and: 
    We're going to pass on the rolls.
    THEME: THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE
    You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel ... Brendan Penny heat check ... Barely a movie ... Wasted Gilpin ... Previously a book? ... Ecce Homo ... Real-movie themes ... Too false, weird and murky ... Cast Rundown ... Ben Wilkinson maxing out the Liotta ... The Expositional Challenge ... Nikki-Paul cassoulet meet-cute ... Deranged food/media depiction ... Leaden, arrhythmic pacing ... Lord Fox's Huron Fleet ... Is she carrying leeks into a YMCA? ... Extremely cold ... The back of a restaurant ... Sal ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO 
    Spot the Angel: No, and no community ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Summer Villa meets Chopt vs. Donovan Narrates The Investor in Botown ... Stan Kroenke ... "Why did you do that, Nikki?" ... Overdetermined: Not determined enough; The Patty Duke Show, A*****e Edition; intergenerational Johnny Sack; crayons make art too; cayenne pepper and relationship material ... Diner culture ... Crossover: Goodfellas, Dellucci's, when Bae texts first; Sweetbitter ...  
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Job talk, Delllucci's cooking talk ...  The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Holly Hanson's meanness, funding, cooking and stealing ... Who's the Real Villain: Restaurant feudalism, funding and food culture ... Rating: 2 ... Brad Penny and the Large Lads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cinnamon candy chili ... The other white meat ... Ingredient jump-scares ... Cadbury egg ... Increasingly upsetting food ... Community rolls ... Cardamom ... Skittlebrau ... Stew with root beer ... Valentine's ravioli and lamb mole ... Rachel Ray vibes ... Chawmp ... KFC ... Lavender Ham ... Split that loin ... Fighting the sensuality ... Joss Whedon's mom ... Two weeks... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR
    The Leftovers: Christie Will Wolf Appreciation Station ... From Silk Stalkings to Eric Mabius ... Identity Theft of a Cheerleader ... Slightly Single in LA ... Worst bro-bonding convo ever ... Reggie Miller and Shaq Appreciation Station ... Angry rehab-checking ... No dribbling for the sound guy ... Burst off the dribble ... Under the hoop ... Netless volleyball ... Silent Hill parent hug ... Monkey smuggling ... Cayenne in my dad ... Dad foodgasm ... Vulvular decor ... "Falling out" ... Endless Instagramming ... More Gilpin ... Atrocious coffee collision ... Mark Prior ... Fancy Food ... Merry Christmas! 
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Baker Street (loop)," by Gerry Rafferty

    • 1 hr 13 min
    101 - Cranpagne Wishes and Moxie Dreams

    101 - Cranpagne Wishes and Moxie Dreams

    We're the next big thing, and we're in the BEVERLY HILLS WEDDING (2021) and: 
    We had to cancel the Beverly Hills wedding.
    THEME: "The Rockford Files," by Mike Post
    PART ONE
    Dave is baking evasive ... THE Beverly Hills wedding ... Dan Smith, BYU ... Edited by Valentine's, 2022 ... Go balls out ... Cast rundown, callbacks and The Hume Cronins ... The Expositional Challenge ... False twist expectation ... Lame excuses! ... Less charming hermeticism ... Covid makes Hallmark make sense ... That's great Malick
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO 
    Re-entering the cup of hot cocoa ... Spot the Angel: Terence Roquefort, but problematized ... Small town vs. Beverly Hills freaks ... "It used to be about the weddings, man" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Van crepes; green seafood puck; dessert colors; redneck voices; the worst champagne in Scotland; what about beer; Polaner All Fruit; gold dusting with a smattering of pearls; stagey class artifice ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's greater Pacific Northwest; Episode 50; Episode 69 ... Hallmark's version of fancypants ... Gray as hell ... The Powder disease ... Is this Pine Mountain? ... Fog of War soundtrack ... Robert McNamara's Overdetermined: You left, you failed a promise to your dreams, you suffocated your sister, this wedding will fail, you're an idiot ... Valentine's wedding candy invitation 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    The Swagony of Defeat: Nice Hyundai; Zack Snyder's Justice League; Godiva (twice) ... Crossover: "Roquefort Origins: Terence in Maine"; Malick in Maine; schnapps with or without ice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Mom/art exhibits/photography ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Homiletic husband Gary; Knox Harrington, the video artist; "otherizing" the gay character beyond Hallmark uncanniness; Terence's Wonka-esque affect ... Who's the Real Villain?: Influencer-driven conspicuous consumption ... Creeping to the glass of the critique 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR
    Rating: 3.0 ... Shut up, Jordan ... "Watchable" ... The Leftovers: Paul Ziller's IMDB (again!), Covered in Bugs/Possessed by Demons ... Worms! ... Just try a sweepstakes ... Hugh's ... It's Spagett! ... Jordan's opinion, not needed ... Out of your element, Jordan ... Haunted Jason Mraz-style Weezer cover ... They used "Hash Pipe!" ... Hallmark showed feet ... Tandem bike ... Abraham Lincoln ... iZombie, Marine sequel, the Craig Zahler universe crossover ... Urban clearance ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cop Killer [8-bit John Maus cover]"

    • 1 hr 5 min
    100 - Rich Problems for Bog People

    100 - Rich Problems for Bog People

    SARA KATE WILKINSON and MAURA QUINT ice over CRANBERRY CHRISTMAS (2020) and: 
    Gabe had to go live on the cranberry farm
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE
    We bought the farm! ... Meet Maura ... Losing your Hallmark virginity ... A manifestation of a sick society ... The Don Jr. Face Spectrum ... Canadian cocaine ... Children shouldn't ice skate 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO 
    Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: The Oprah-esque Pamela Franks, a sister dating again ... 45-minute story ... Estrangement without divorce ... Sexless married reunion ... Mistletoe bed/belt ... Spot the Angel: Pamela/Oprah; everyone in the town; grandma with an Instagram ... Was Dawn Pamela's second choice? ... Pity the rich person's commute ... Hallmark having it both ways ... "Ugh! We doubled our land!" ... Overdetermined: "Just DO the work" 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    Eat Your Heart Out: Frozen hot chocolate in outdoor Maine Christmas festival; cookie butter; homemade marshmallows; boxes of bread; orange and purple Christmas-tree pizzas; red-pepper tinsel; "assume Carl's Jr."; cranberry coffee syrup; the secret ingredient on Chopt; lifestyle tour brainstorming; zero yeast infections; crueler marshmallows ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 64, 70-73, 83, 94 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR
    Crossover: Deranged news producer; Martha Stewart's prison bog work; selling this farm to real Oprah; Stars Hollow vibes; The Tommy Westphal universe of Taylor Doese ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Sisters and hip granny; childish ambition; camera talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Gabe's ability to love ... Who's the Real Villain: Headstrong ladies; time; refusing to communicate ... A couple in years of therapy ... Do these people have cell phones? ... Designed, artisanal engagement ring ... Rating: 2 ... An age-appropriate couple ... Blinds
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE
    The Leftovers: Making a beautiful actress dowdy ... A vengeful Director of Photography ... Schrödinger's cranberry bog ... Competent Covid logistics ... Other networks' movies ... Hunks of Hallmark (again) ... He went upstate to live on the cranberry farm ... "No! The house doesn't miss me at all!" ... Every ornament shattered, box fine ... Homemade ornaments ... Not to be rude about the Hallmark Gold and Crown store, but ... It's good that you feel bad ... Hallmark Roast ... Varieties of Hallmark parents ... IMDB dive ... Linda-Lisa ... The long haul with Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The Liberty Bell March" by John Philip Sousa
    Follow Maura on Twitter: @Behindyourback
    Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW

    • 1 hr 22 min
    099 - Accidentally Racist in Chet's Galaxy

    099 - Accidentally Racist in Chet's Galaxy

    We speak to the dead for A NASHVILLE CHRISTMAS CAROL (2020) and: 
    We are doing this cold open live ... The Francesa Voice ... Four letters, starts with D
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE
    Buster Poindexter ... Show business ... Terry Benedict's podcast ... The Elliot Gould of this podcast ... Podcast crisis hotline ... Defenseless before Hallmark vibes ... Country musician cats, prehabilitated Scrooge 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO 
    Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... "Dragon lady" on the set ... Rich person's fan script or free singer promo? ... Made by a scion of Kix Brooks ... Chet's Galaxy ... More Kasem ... 10-year overlooked phone call ... Dead and chill 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    Spot the Angel: Come on, man ... Kimberly Williams-Paisley, dramatic interping ... Lazy British accents ... Woo Girl Paula Deen ... Eat Your Heart Out: No savories, peppermint brittle, red onions, no Kitchen Aid mixer, bad spatula ... Dennis Miller interlude ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Specter of Chet's Galaxy; Hallmark's Great Silent Majority; Wings of Desire, but outside Nashville
    Break: "Himmel über Berlin," by Jurgen Knieper
    PART FOUR
    Overdetermined: Jarring oafishness of ghost scenes vs. clash of lessons ... Just omit the lesson and omit existing intellectual property ... Crossover: A Hellraiser puzzle box that brings lesson-giving Cenobites vs. hangin' with Jesse Farrar vs. Pussy Relief 2021 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Pass! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Both musicians, potentially dead parents, AI dad ... Christmas really just makes these crazier ... Who's the Real Villain?: The music business/Chet ... Bitching about music video budgets ... Stop saying his name ... Just make it 5 percent more real
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE
    Rating: 2 ... The Leftovers: Ten years is still too long at 30 ... Eric Brooks' You're Going to Miss Me ... "Drop her, creep" ... Belinda Carlisle ... luuuv too hug the head of the studio ... Haunting Covid signifier ... Old Tom Cruise on-set rant anecdote ... Ambivalence about the risk of making this movie ... Visualizing explaining why you're in the hospital ... Bill Kurtis ... Press button, receive plot ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Accidental Racist," by Brad Paisley feat. LL Cool J

    • 1 hr 16 min
    098 - Buckley's Big Naturals (but Not in Excess)

    098 - Buckley's Big Naturals (but Not in Excess)

    We get handsome and competent with THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE (2020) and:
    Treat Williams is not in The Substitute ... It's natural and OK to talk about Treat Williams ... Wrong movie ... Daybrooding ... Sniper 
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE
    Handsome Podcast ... Whaddaya want, it's good ... Podcast business ... The shortcomings of "Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean" ... IT'S FINE!!! DO NOTHING!!! ... Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Cast rundown ... Marvel vs. Vigor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Breaking ground on gay kisses, adoption and parental separation ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Annnnd the interracial pairing ... Tamales and regular wine drinking ... Jeb's post in the Post ... Hallmark movie, real reactions ... Decent uncle ... Finally, an out Jonathan Bennett character ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO
    Spot the Angel: Too normal ... No Rothery ... Eat You Heart Out: Masa scones, tamales, spicy hot chocolate, cocoa and cookies (but not in excess) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A lawyer show that could actually be on Hallmark or in any Hallmark movie; the greater NYC Hallmark blob; the Treat Williamsphall Universe ... Overdetermined: Heavy-handed yet passable; Angie Everheart; early kludgy chemistry; mom and dad's mass quit ... Cincinnati chili again 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    Crossover: It's already a romcom; The Family Stone genre; Treat Williams as a substitute teacher; Dennis Franz as the dad; you're not going to like whose butt it is; The Big Chill, but Santa's dead ... Sipowicz, Mamie Gummer, Anya, Uma, Wrenn Schmidt, Nute Gunray ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Implied real estate ... America's Voice ... Wife as hobby ... Bobsled friendship ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Marvelous Jim ... Partner Chat: Grift Body Spray; if these were Brits, it'd just be a regular romcom; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; quality fluffing; Christmas drought; Salem's Lot; inflatables; court decor; sez you ... Great Moments In Moppetry: 2, for volume ... Ballbusting ... Who's the Real Villain: Non-union reality programming ... CBS's Handsome Justice ... High-low Hallmarky set design ... The Doink Doink ... Rating: 4.5 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    The Leftovers: Who taught dad PowerPoint? ... Anya Ayora, eternal Cruz ... Screenwriter Erin Rodman, rebounding legend ... Non-consensual Instagram advertising ... Employee no-selling recognition ... Mom razzing kids ... Wise younger brother ... Strong himbo vibes ... Snack cringe ... Shutting down the florid declaration ... Enchantment Under the Vaseline flashback ... Lot Cop: Look at the back of the damn tree because of spiders ... Judy Tenuta ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Spider," by They Might Be Giants

    • 1 hr 8 min
    097 - Can Steal Art, Can't Tend Bar

    097 - Can Steal Art, Can't Tend Bar

    BRANDI BROWN joins us for GARAGE SALE MYSTERY: THE ART OF MURDER (2017) and:
    A message about our namechange.
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE
    Let's cancel! ... First, dead family, THEN pandemic ... April 13, 2019 ... Kill your computer ... Grandma troll wants the cusses ... Comic books and Hubert Humphrey 
    Break: "Hubert Humphrey," by The Knuckle Sandwiches
    PART TWO
    The Extra Hot Great podcast universe ... Lori Loughlin ... Hallmark samizdat ... Missing Loughlin ... Superutility Sarah Strange ... Weak mystery ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cast rundown ... Plot Mop-Up ... Giant warehouse, no job ... Sorority PTA ... College is high school; high school is college ... Cropsy ... Chunks of real effort ... Un-inventoried weird art in The Kingdom of Spiders
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    Spot the Angel/Criminal: Red paint Jackoff Pollock ... Work lazy, crime hard ... Do you have a fence? ... Just sell out! ... Angelic mom-volunteering ... Kappa Kappa Kappa ... Mom-Daughter casting ... Jackee, Jasmine Guy, Tatyana Ali ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vibrational food; Keith Raniere's cult vegetables; Kramer-like cop; pizza-order clowning; randomized plausible foods; raw eggplant; Dispensary Mysteries
    Break: "Jammin'," by Bob Marley and The Simpsons 
    PART FOUR
    Extremely s****y audio engineering ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Jen/Dani podcast; food truck universe; junk shop, Good Witch's shop, Anthropologie, a chocolatier ... Canadian accents in Louisiana, Missouri ... Overdetermined: Red paint; zesty hack; overdrawn "evil" stepdaughter ... Crossover: Sarah Strange for anything; NXIVM for food; Safe-like environmental sensitivity; Jen vs. Jessica Fletcher; Hallmark mystery Grand Slam ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dani, the Dad ... Cartoon bear ... You never leave ... Actually, everyone's a replicant ... Hummuside 
    Break: "David Duke Is Running for President," by Skankin Pickle
    PART FIVE
    Who's the Real Villain: Helicopter parenting, underfunding the arts, toxic masculinity, lack of safety net ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: What happened to the garage sale? ... Buying stolen goods ... Twin Peaks/Law & Order ominous tones ... Tina, gut-shot champ ... Director K.T. Donaldson ... Synchronized bedtime ... Congrats on the sex ... Buying classic cars for fun ... Meghan Markle's coming back ... Mortimer B. Croup ... Rich people inventory art ... Carrying Linwood's ass ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station again ... Pete Wells ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
    Bill Corbett's Funhouse
    Follow Brandi on Twitter!

    • 1 hr 20 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
151 Ratings

151 Ratings

T-RexAwesomeSauce ,

Love Hallmark, Love This!

If you shamefully love Hallmark than you will absolutely love this!

bbbbbbbbbb? ,

But for real

This podcast has no business being this good

Efarz ,

My Quarantine Savior

This podcast has single handedly made my quarantine mildly bearable. I feel like I’m laughing about dumb movies with my buddies Dave and Jeb which makes the work from home isolation slightly less terrifying.

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