96 episodes

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

It's Christmastown Vigorous Marvin

    • Comedy
    • 4.9 • 181 Ratings

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

    114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro

    114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro

    We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the:
    The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" … 
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    "Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO  
    Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ...    
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE 
    The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ...
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR 
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ...      
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE
    The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster s******d ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "A Punchup at a Wedding," by Radiohead.
    Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

    • 1 hr 12 min
    113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness

    113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness

    The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask:
    Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"?
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie? 
    Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ...    
    Break: "Beantown," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric)
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ...         
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR 
    The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler;     
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ...  
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART SIX
    The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains

    • 1 hr 35 min
    112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors

    112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors

    Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn: 
    Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ...
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ... 
    Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope 
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ...
    Break: "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by Eumir Deodato
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR 
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE
    The Leftovers:  Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi.
    Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback
    Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's wonderful book here.

    • 1 hr 21 min
    111 - Irish Loaf Mode on the Mulch Oaf

    111 - Irish Loaf Mode on the Mulch Oaf

    ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn: 
    This is our job, and we're doing our job ...
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes, Travel Channel vibes ... Clare Neiderpruem, bard of the natural world ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood 
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... Niall Buggy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Australians, distillery business plan, forced diffidence ... Soulful-mopey male lead vs. Good sulky ... Niall Buggy ... Clip: A great deal of adulthood ... Avoiding poor choices, but not seeking great ones ... Spot the Angel: Adalia the Inkeeper ... St. Kevin, you are such a disease ...         
    Break: "Sayonara," by The Pogues
    PART THREE 
    Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly decently normal food ... Glum Irish desserts ... Violently incompetent carrot slicing ... Kathleen Turner overdrive ... Zero whiskey face ... Fruity whiskey ... BREAD ALERT, Loaf Mode ... Scree pizza ... Remaindered Tesco pizza ... Coffee'd and carbed out the yang ... NYC eating normalcy ... Sushi of Gary ... Egyptian food truck, second encore! ... Artifacts and shawarma ... Extremely instant-ass stew ... Those have flavors, sir ...  
    Break: "Screamager," by Therapy? 
    PART FOUR 
    The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Love on Iceland/Love on Ireland; just one letter, just one string; Hallmark should make more travel movies; Minting Balkan princes at industrial rates; The Tom Cruise Mummy "Dark" Universe; The Sickbed of Fitzpatrick ... Finnegan's Wake Crossover ... Overdetermined: The Claddagh ring blending of two worlds (not vasculitis); proposal "fakeout"; Grant, the Mulch Oaf; a Grinchy idea to join the matchmaking festival ... The hazed-by-locals business stratagem ... Local Hero vibes ... Writing to checklist, not to motivations ... You don't need explanations for inevitable moments ... Brennan is a bread dick ... Utensil negging ... Crossover: Midsommar ... Rethinking The Wicker Man ... No bees in the Hallmark universe ... Lacey Chabert's The Quiet Man ... The Matchmaker ... No idea how matchmaking works ...
    Break: "The Wild Cats of Kilkenny," by The Pogues 
    PART FIVE
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A well-tempered yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Professional elopers; time-wasting Hallmark boss ... Who's the Real Villain?: Sister Crispin; the progress of time; capital homogeneity (O'brien's Pub and Beef's); superpredator meet-cute ... Title/Sequel: Forgetting the title; Love of the Irish; 2Lucky; As Luck Would Have Us ... Fast ... Marriage Troubles! ... Rating: 3.5 ... Travel to another Vancouver ...
    Break: "Big Sad Eyes," by The Immediate
    PART SIX
    The Leftovers: A new opportunity: Ireland! ... Eternal hold music ... Problematic UK preservationism ... The world's oldest Bennigan's ... Cute sunnies ... Real pit BBQ ... The human Chamber of Commerce ... Why are strangers being nice? ... Mrs. Nick Swisher ... An exhausting character on the Giambi A's ... Hashtag hashtag hashtag ... The real Howth Castle ... Mormon influencer on a week's athletic vacation ... Otherwise nice clothes! ... The top 30 orthodontists in Ireland ... IMDB Dive: Christina Conradt and a very busy year in one teen's life ... Bildungsroman, epistolary ... Timorous partner role reversal ... Geriatric volunteer, Irish goldbrickers ... Chief Miles O'Brien's mind palace ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Sister Chri

    • 1 hr 27 min
    110 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part II: The Turkey Bowl

    110 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part II: The Turkey Bowl

    WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching:
    The Barry Switzer Showcase ...
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually loving Oklahoma ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO
    Cast rundown ... Ryan Hansen, who Will knows from Party Down ... The Expositional Challenge ... Earned attaboy ... Plot Mop-Up ... The Badger Hole ... Intrafamily political strife ... Ride Along 1 and 2 ... Harland Williams ... "Moist" ... Spot the Angel: Judge Tibbins or Mitchell's self-sacrifice ... Reverse Good Will Hunting speech ... The Cedar Rapids/winsome Sundance fare ... Eat Your Heart Out: Reinforcing the political divide; congealed sloppy joe's; hot-dog casserole ... Cigarettes and football ... Matt Jones Appreciation Station ... Mitchell ...  
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE
    Overdetermined: Sports movies flipping from total loserdom to total dominance in the big game; 12-6 high-five big-game analysis; the Blind Melon joy montage; the football game broke the town; "high school again" speech followed by Hallmark Quit ... You tried nothing, and nothing happened ... A life reanimated for a jealousy trope ... Crossover: Is that Barry Switzer?; can Barry Switzer commit to a dark Alzheimer's role?; the Barry Switzer filmography; Gen X return to Road Rules ... A lot of stretching ...
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FOUR
    The Hallmark Bechdel Test: There is no women's "moment"; biological clock; marital aid tips ... A better movie's Ashley Sinclair ... An extremely reasonable bad girlfriend ... More Hangover hangover ... Bad events without bad people ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Brandy "the class slut"; demented Barry Switzer ... Who's the Real Villain?: Forgetting where you came from and/or brand identity ... A perfect community that can implode from losing one football game ... Title/Sequel: A mostly Thanksgivingless Thanksgiving; a good touch tying it to the game; a turkeyless Turkey Bowl; these people are turkeys; you gotta do The Leftovers ... 
    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART FIVE 
    Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Filmed in Oklahoma ... Copyright compliant UPS ... Stolen Supreme Court justice cab ... Reasonable senator, a Good Son-style doofus ... Who leaks this story? ... House of Cards narration ... Exhausting-ass Beau Willimon ... Nickelback on 2 ... Money for Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind ... Copyright compliant "Fields of Gold" and "Blister in the Sun" ... It's common law, and I bought my own ring, and I'm done with this conversation ... Thank you for the turkey bowl ... The secret Dave-Will feud ... Links! ... Merry Christmas!
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "My My My My Mitchell" by Hoyt Axton.
    Read Will's newsletter here.

    • 1 hr 7 min
    109 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part I: Fever Dream with Will Leitch

    109 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part I: Fever Dream with Will Leitch

    TEASER: Thanksgiving, 2031: A Reckoning
    Everyone's not murdered, and nothing is magnetic ...
    THEME: "Dead Man's Party," by Oingo Boingo
    PART ONE: All Our Troubles Are Gone
    Welcome back to Will Leitch ... No plugs ... Vaccinated child blood ... Mask affinity ... Can there be a pandemic off-ramp? ... Torn pandemic bicep ... You just have a bad body now ... Without shared struggle, there is no shared victory ... We can't personally police anybody ... A segregated society ... Disproportionate political minority-opinion representation ... But vaccination won! ... Residual Covid resentment ... Unvaccinated, disconnected cousin ... Most people are disengaged and normal for it ... 
    Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART TWO: Scoreboard!
    Normalcy's inertia over Covid ... Bret Stephens, noted herb ... Trump and the Power of Positive Thinking ... Placebo effect ... Road Runner mentality vs. Coyote mentality ... Everyone's just tryin', man ... Fighting the monoculture vs. creating the multiculture ... Eight people talking in Slack ... Labor Day, the film ... Thanksgiving pandemic antagonism ... Sibling to blame ... A more severable externalized slight ... Polio ... Nobody's magnetic or sterile! ... Family division feeding grievance politics ... 
    Original music by Chris Collingwood
    PART THREE: Hot Vaxgiving
    What are we doing for Thanksgiving? ... Died before every Thanksgiving ... We are here, and it is enough ... Bringing back all the old favorites ... The dead optimism of June ... False hope for a V-E Day ... Next years pandemic conversation percentage ... Growing stunted by the pandemic ... I'm not your boyfriend ...
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.
    Read Will's newsletter here.

    • 50 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
181 Ratings

181 Ratings

StickLane ,

Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test

If this podcast doesn't put a smile on your face, you're a replicant.

mattdrwen ,

Battleship Potemkin Village

Love this show. Let it fill your homes, cars, and EarPods with gentle ribbing as you bake dinner rolls and drive back home to fall in love with your high school boyfriend. There are two types of live fiction TV that Americans watch: CBS shows called like “FBI: Tampa” and Hallmark. No one understands the second like my two beautiful sons, Jeb! and Dave, and their more accomplished guests.

T-RexAwesomeSauce ,

Love Hallmark, Love This!

If you shamefully love Hallmark than you will absolutely love this!

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