113 episodes

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

It's Christmastown Vigorous Marvin

    • Comedy
    • 4.9 • 238 Ratings

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

    131 - Live, Donut, Repeat

    131 - Live, Donut, Repeat

    MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but...
    Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah!
    THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade  
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat     
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls
    PART FOUR 
    Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days
    PART FIVE
    The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas!  
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.

    • 1 hr 32 min
    130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen

    130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen

    MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but...
    The lighthouse made me so angry ...
    THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... F**k 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ...  
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driver ... Stakes-killing trauma ... Wicker Man end! ... Too normal for this swerve ... Fear of Flying vs. Love of Booty ... F'n lighthouse! ... 
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: Grandpa McCloud ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plane hot chocolate, and more; lobsters with hats, with feelings; facecakes at Nott Pub ... Import/export ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 83, 94 and 129 ... Overdetermined: Sewing machine (longingly); social-media save; "he ignored weather warnings" ...            
    PART FOUR 
    Crossover: Wicker Man, Trailer Park Boys, Deadliest Catch, Cocoa Dismemberment, Lighthouse Documentary (Herzog) ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa McCloud; Co-Pilot Derek ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Curly Sue audition memories; also, 2 ... 
    PART FIVE
    Rating: 3 ... The Leftovers: Old Singer ... Air-traffic control meet-cute ... Curated experience ... Green candycane ... "This is your dream job?" ... IMDB Dive ... No breath, no nor'easter ... Now you're like me ... Merry Christmas!   
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Trailer Park Boys Theme (I Left My Heart in San Francisco)."
    Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    • 1 hr 10 min
    129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer

    129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer

    We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but...
    You're gonna wanna braise that elf ...
    THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ... 
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ...      
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: Travis or Boss Elizabeth ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Christmas Cacciatore"; braised elf; candy-cane straw cocoa; Hogan's Donuts math theory; peanut butter Christmas mice (tie) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 83, "But Wait, There's Buckley" and Episode 94, "The Ecstasy of Competence" ... Overdetermined: No ... Seventeen minutes of modeling good behavior ... It's not Hall of Fame! ... Mad Dog on JFK ...           
    PART FOUR 
    The Swagony of Defeat: Yes, but it fits? ... The White Collar reverse camera ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Murray the Bus Driver! ... Rating: 3 ... Barbara Niven Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Power Man Jason Bourque ... Jason London ... Scatting ... Sold-out sound FX ... CSI Cyber, turning red, podcast ... Ken Cosgrove's scarlet suit and Amanda's Christmas jockey ... Merry Christmas!   
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The CSI Cyber Podcast Theme" by J.W. Friedman.
    Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    • 1 hr 7 min
    128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods

    128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods

    JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because: 
    It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ...
    THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
    PART ONE 
    Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ... 
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ...  
    PART THREE 
    The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ... 
    PART FOUR 
    Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ...
    PART FIVE   
    Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! 
    All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Ashokan Farewell," by Jay Ungar.
    Jessica's Twitter HERE • BlueSky HERE • Patreon HERE

    • 1 hr 19 min
    127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached

    127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached

    Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but...
    Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ...
    THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
    PART ONE 
    Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ...
    PART TWO  
    Join the Patreon, hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Paul, Julia and real estate; Julia, the Reasonable Bridezilla, and a bespoke dress ... Berating clerks in Jeb Mode ... Dress delivery epilogue ... "Tree amateur," Emily Osment directed and the Earnest Hallmark style ...    
    PART THREE 
    Spot the Angel: Nana and multigenerational haunting ... Get out and see some of the world only for a little bit ... Dad's health issues ... How a Hallmark executive sees the world ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lobster stuffed with tacos; Argentinian Christmas cookies; load-bearing hot cocoa; concluding birthday cake; the Bears lost; empty beer bottles ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes: 1, 27, The Best Fries in the City, 4, 60, 125, the most important gazebo since "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet", 70 ...         
    PART FOUR 
    Overdetermined: Not really; overdetermined false starts; What Would Your Grandma Do? ... Crossover: Somebody Somewhere, with a Hallmark Script; Chicago Wedding Strike Force ... 
    PART FOUR
    The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Not really, not Julia, or Paul, real estate buyer, gazebo erector ... Fitzcarraldo ... Rating: 3 ... IMDB Dive: Emily Osment, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn; Deidrich and In the Dark; Tracy Andreen and Elena Valdez ... One of the Elite Princesses in the World Renowned Royal Court of the Tournament of Roses Parade Presented by Honda ... Gift-wrap punking our female lead ... Minor Emergency with Gordie LaSalle ... Merry Christmas!   
    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and Mozart's "Sequentia Rex Tremendae - Requiem In D Minor, K 626" performed by the Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus, conducted by Sir Georg Solti.
    Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    • 1 hr 12 min
    126 - Journal to the Center of the Turf

    126 - Journal to the Center of the Turf

    RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because: 
    All we see is the goal ...
    THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
    PART ONE 
    Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ... 
    PART TWO  
    Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ...  
    PART THREE 
    Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ...  
    PART FOUR 
    The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ...    
    PART FIVE   
    Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ... 
    PART SIX
    The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! 
    All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Soul Dracula" by Hot Blood.
    Ryan's Twitter HERE • Fullcast HERE

    • 1 hr 31 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
238 Ratings

238 Ratings

@onlinezilch ,

Such a good podcast

Even if you don't like Hallmark movies you will want to watch them and see how crazy an 82 minute movie can be when they only have 65 minutes to film it. Jeb and Dave and friends are so funny and smart and the show is just the best.

JAndrew_C ,

Mounds of dinner rolls for as far as the eyes can see

This is my favorite podcast to hear former Sec. Robert McNamara, shirtless-man/brain pill salesman Alex Jones, Angry DJ Casey Kasem, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, and sports knower Mike Francesa come together to discuss Canadian character actors fall in love with former child actresses while saving hotels and bringing back festivals outside of Vancouver and Ontario, CA.

jblatron ,

Never Seen a Hallmark Movie

I’ve never actually seen a Hallmark movie, but I can say with some certainty this is the top notch analysis of the oeuvre available in podcast form. Twitter’s Jeb Lund and David J Roth break down the fundamentals: tropes, performance reviews, and most importantly the relationship of the films to food. They also appreciate the nuanced performances and finer plot points that only experienced analysts would notice. These are 9 to 5, lunchpail Hallmark guys, not flashy hip-hop Hallmark guys. And I should add this is very funny and the chemistry between Jeb and David, and occasional color commentator Sara Kate makes it a joy to listen to. Highly recommended and worth supporting thru Patreon for bonus content.

Top Podcasts In Comedy

The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart
Comedy Central
Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lemonada Media
The Joe Rogan Experience
Joe Rogan
SmartLess
Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
Theo Von
The Commercial Break
Commercial Break LLC

You Might Also Like

The Distraction: A Defector Podcast
Defector Media
What A Time To Be Alive
What A Time To Be Alive
Blocked Party
Stefan Heck & John Cullen
ALAB Series
All Lawyers Are Bad
Pod Yourself A Gun - A Rewatch Podcast
Frotcast LLC
Guys: With Bryan Quinby
Bryan