It's Christmastown

Vigorous Marvin

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

  1. 139 - Snow Crashing the Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe

    OCT 9

    139 - Snow Crashing the Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe

    Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (2025)? Because it is there. As is… TEASER: The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swimmers … IVF and climate change … Star Trek: TNG, S1 … Better than the Trail of Tears one… PART TWO  Spot the Angel: Nope … Eat Your Heart Out: Hot cocoa, food pyramid foundation; Hi-C goblets, unnatural wine; root beer float highball; banana/peanut butter croissant … Chris's disrespect and aspirin advice … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Stephen Huszar's ski-guy persona) and the hermetic placelessness of the Hallmark Alpine Biome … Andy Lack (derogatory) … Overdetermined: An effing manchild; Dead Mom; Frisky Dingo … Epic photo of epicry … Anti-fizz…  PART THREE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chris, no growth, no person … The Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe … Great Moments in Moppetry: 2, director Mom, tough script, posterizing Sonya, plumper … Who’s the Real Villain?: Those who ignore avalanche safety, false binary, misplaced blame, idiot skepticism … Rating: 1.5 … Pointlessly mean, obviously Whistler … Stock footage, iced tea and 11º…  PART FOUR The Leftovers: The three most Canadian extras in history … The beautiful, talented Melvin … Melvin taxonomy … IMDB Dive: Stephen Huszar's better than this … Rabid remake … White supremacist sex tourist … Cops making fascists cry … In loving memory of outdoor Rambo III enthusiasts … Unwelcome antique National Parks feelings … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

    1h 12m
  2. SEP 15

    138 - Josie and the Gilrbosses

    We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (2025), but first... TEASER: Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz…      PART TWO   Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daughter WASP; good-behavior modeling movie … Former mutuals with the screenwriter (no-drama edition)… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: It Takes a Village … Eat Your Heart Out: Drunkenness; no Campari in Hallmark; kitchen oaf; 1/2 of one squash, 3 tiny chicken filets, loose paprika dredge, quartered like a math problem; overdoing the crafty; huge orange; shooters with mom … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoless Chicago again, Siena College garnish; the thinking man's Albany; the early funny ones!…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Determined, not overdetermined, execution of required Hallmark beats … Kombucha's Christmastown debut … Kava bar … Crossover: Already a real romcom; Bobby Bacala, retired "accountant" … Luca Brazi syntax …Sheryl Sandberg and David Sacks: matchmakers … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Yuki…   PART FIVE Who’s the Real Villain?: Phone, the broader sort of Lean-In cosmos … Rating: 4 … Wife Chat: The Board … IMDB Dive: Hackett and Galanoy Appreciation Station; grown-up Nickelodeon; phone … The Leftovers: How many gags didn't make the Hallmark cut? … Mail montage … A series of calzones … Momtuition … Self-McKinseying … Rubber Gaskets … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

    1h 12m
  3. MAY 20

    137 - Chocopurse Presents: Collateral (All-22 Footage)

    We’re spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them’s the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first... TEASER: Our respect for the Boboli Corporation. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … “Fries” vs. “Pizza”...      PART TWO   We counted them down! … “Christmas” explains a lot … Can’t remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI’s Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, “Potato Chip,” “Nat-Chos,” … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine’s Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball’d help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark…   PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey’s family … Gauntlet interlude … Who’s the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew’s non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! …   PART SIX The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … “It was me!” and “Fashion Week but Edible!” …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) …  “Are you on Instagram?” … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and “Powerhouse” by the Raymond Scott Quintette.

    1h 25m
  4. FEB 7

    136 - Gergich in the Machine

    It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ... PART THREE  Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ...  PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ...  PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    1h 13m
  5. 135 - An Open-Faced Hallmark Movie

    12/25/2024

    135 - An Open-Faced Hallmark Movie

    We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...      PART TWO   Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ...        PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ...               PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ...  The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    59 min
  6. 11/29/2024

    134 - Giving Millennial Pandering a Hand

    DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but... Is that the blowjob guy? THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer...  PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits...  PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel Theory (Quebecois Freddie, Dasher); it takes a village ... Bloodhound Gang BJ Guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Thicc sushi-place Christmas cookies; boilermakers; dry ice; pint eggnog; canteen; math jokes, round food; food trucks; wasabi rim... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mapping a nameless place; Chicagoland; co-opting city life; Dr. Where/Weir; Shelbyville ... Overdetermined: Quitting on networking; TK TK TK; dissonant, scary sincerity; passing a millennial torch ... Crossover: Any sitcom; a personal Pauley Perrette; Mike and the Mad Dog... PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anti-business bartender; Freddie the Angel-Replicant; our two leads ... Who's the Real Villain?: Our underfunded public schools ... Rating: 4 ... Audience mistrust, atavistic studio notes... PART SIX The Leftovers: GIS for "Boston art teacher" ... Sam Bankman-Fried ... IMDB Dive: Christmas skills; "Jingle Bell" karaoke ... Cool Runnings, tacos, Casablanca ... Russell Hainline, we're your friends ... My sweatpants ... Pandering target ... "Hallmark 2000" ... Merry Christmas! ...  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. DC'S Instagram HERE and Bluesky HERE

    1h 35m
  7. 10/24/2024

    133 - Women Laughing Alone with Christmas (Hockey Edition)

    JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO   Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage       PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash    PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low       PART FIVE Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jamie's Bluesky HERE

    1h 19m
  8. 06/28/2024

    132 - Leftover Choirs Are How We Get Aunts

    Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ...        PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ...               PART FOUR  The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

    1h 6m
4.9
out of 5
257 Ratings

About

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

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