11 episodes

LOLLM is 100% AI written and performed standup comedy.

Humans are only involved to remove nonsensical & inappropriate text, & to add punctuation to help the voice synthesis feel more natural. No content is ever human-revised or improved; only deleted.

LOLLM Ted Benson

    • Comedy

LOLLM is 100% AI written and performed standup comedy.

Humans are only involved to remove nonsensical & inappropriate text, & to add punctuation to help the voice synthesis feel more natural. No content is ever human-revised or improved; only deleted.

    Raccoons are trash cats.

    Raccoons are trash cats.

    Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."

    ***LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved. www.edwardbenson.com/lollm***

    TRANSCRIPT

    Racoons are everywhere.They're in the city, they're in the suburbs. They are in your backyard. And no one sees 'em.I mean, if a bear walked through your neighborhood, you'd see the bear, right?Not a raccoon! Raccoons are like the North American mermaid.They're out there! But no one sees 'em. No one knows what they do.Guys are like, "I saw a raccoon wash a car once."You have to start with that story.I think my favorite thing about raccoons though is the trash. The trash is the best part because no one ever sees the trash when the raccoon takes the trash.But then the raccoon can't eat the trash, 'cause, you know, it's trash. So the raccoon has to put the trash all over your house.That's why when you come home and your trash is out on the patio, it's never been touched. It's never been touched!I don't know what happened here. I don't know who's responsible. I think a raccoon got in a fight with the wind.'Cause this is not trash. This is a trash bag that tried to become a sail.And that's when I woke up at 3:00 am, and was like, "Did raccoon took my trash? A racoon took my trash!"But not only did a raccoon take my trash, he brought it back. He was like, "I didn't like the taste of that. I'm gonna put it back where I found it. But all over the fucking patio."Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."I've heard in the suburbs, they're raising raccoons like they're pigs.But they're not pigs. They're raccoons, they're raised in a cage, they're fed, they're slaughtered, they're eaten.Is this wrong? I don't know. I'm not paleo. I'm vegan.

    • 1 min
    Dad socks.

    Dad socks.

    They look like they're hosting the hidden camera show called "Dirty Socks."

    ***LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved. www.edwardbenson.com/lollm***

    TRANSCRIPT

    Can anyone explain why dad socks smell so bad?They smell like a bunch of old dudes just took a 10-mile hike. But it's not just the smell. It's the look of them! They're always so dirty and saggy, like they fell into a wet cement mixer.They look like they're hosting the hidden camera show called "Dirty Socks.""You won't believe what these socks are doing today."But it's not just the dirty socks. It's the dirty clothes in general. How do they get so dirty?My husband, he hangs his shirts, he folds his sweaters, he puts his pants in a drawer.Then he goes to the store, and he comes back, and I'm like, "Your clothes are a mess! What were you doing!? Were you rolling around in the dirt with a pig? Why are your clothes so dirty? "He's like, "I went to the store."Doesn't the store have a washroom? That's what they need.I don't understand how the good people of Walmart don't organize some sort of laundry service.I would go broke! If I owned a Walmart, I would have a fleet of buses out front."Kids! Hop on! We'll take you to the store and we'll wash your clothes!"My parents, they washed their clothes in the sink. The whole family would gather around. My mom washed her clothes in the sink. Then she hangs them up to dry. The sun magically comes out, and then they're dry.And they're like, "The sun did it. The sun magically made them dry." What?If I were outside, and I had a bunch of wet clothes, I could just hold them up, the sun would come out,and I could be like, 'See? I'm a genius.'I don't know. I'm sure you guys understand my frustration. I mean, who washes their clothes in the sink, hangs them up to dry, and thinks it's magic?

    • 1 min
    The Soft-On-Crime Cooking Channel.

    The Soft-On-Crime Cooking Channel.

    "What is this, the soft-on-crime cooking channel? You're gonna show me how to make it and then feed it to people? But not kill it?"

    ***LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved. www.edwardbenson.com/lollm***

    TRANSCRIPT

    You know what the world didn't see coming? Six million cooking shows on Netflix. I swear to God.I'm watching a cooking show and the guy is like, "And now, I'm going to show you how to make chicken."And then the camera pans to a house full of fans going, "Yes! I love chicken! Yes! Chicken!""I'm going to make you a chicken!""You're going to make me a chicken! Make us a chicken!"But you know what they don't do? They don't show you how to kill the chicken... They don't show you how to kill the chicken! They don't show you that part.They just show you how to stuff it and roast it and make it into a meal.And I'm watching this, like, "Why? Why is this not on here? Why do you not want to show me how to kill this chicken?""What is this, the soft-on-crime cooking channel? You're gonna show me how to make it and then feed it to people? But not kill it?"And what happens to the rest of the chicken? The part that's not the breast? Do you take it out back and throw it over the fence? I wanna make the rest of this chicken!So anyway, I was watching this show and I got hungry. And I was like, "I want to eat some chicken." And then I was like, "I should ask my wife to make me some chicken." Because I don't know how to make chicken.And you know what she says? She says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was a requirement of my marriage."So I act sweet. I say, "I thought I was marrying the most beautiful, intelligent woman in the world."She's like, "Thank you. Now don't bother me. I'm gonna go watch sports and drink beer."My wife is amazing.

    • 1 min
    Chip Bag Crunch.

    Chip Bag Crunch.

    Sometimes I wake her up in the morning with the crunch. The crunch of the bag--noisy bag crunch. She wakes up with a start!***LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved. www.edwardbenson.com/lollm***TRANSCRIPTLadies, man. You know what they love? Eating chips at midnight. Right? That's what they love. Right?I've learned something since I've been married, right?I used to eat chips any time I wanted, anytime, any place, right? Now I can't do it! 'cause my wife, she's gonna be pissed.She's gonna be like, "Why are you eating chips? ""I'm eating chips because I want to eat chips.""You know why you're eating chips? 'Cause you're addicted to salt. Stop eating the salt. Salt is what's causing you to retain water. You look like a wet T-shirt contest winner from a small town."So I can't eat chips in front of my wife. But I can do whatever the hell I want behind her back.So that's what I do. I wait until she goes to bed. I open up the bag, I do my business. I eat the chips. I put the bag back.Sometimes I wake her up in the morning with the crunch. The crunch of the bag--noisy bag crunch. She wakes up with a start!"What was that!""It was just the bag of chips.""What are you doing?! Are you eating chips?!""I'm just having some garden-variety midnight snacks.""Don't you know that's unhealthy!?""I don't even know what's in it."I don't know what's in it, 'cause I can't read the ingredients. The label's too small. They shrunk the label! It's like the "Da Vinci Code."I'm eating this--I can't read this! Is there poison in these chips? Is it a conspiracy!? Am I gonna die?I don't know. I still eat it. I love chips... I love snacks.

    • 1 min
    Fan Death.

    Fan Death.

    "The coroner was like, "But I don't know that's what happened. The police were like, 'All we know is that the fan was on!'"

    ***



    LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved. www.edwardbenson.com/lollm



    ***



    TRANSCRIPT



    Have you ever heard of fan death?This is a real thing...A real thing.Fan death...is when you're asleep in your room, and you don't feel like turning down the fan...So, you leave the fan on. The fan blows, you fall asleep...You die!So, in Korea, they believe that the fan is a serial killer.They never leave the fan on at night...So, if you go to Korea, you're in your hotel room, you're like, "It's so hot. I'm gonna leave the fan on."...Don't!You're gonna wake up in a body bag... I'm telling you!I had to do some research on this... There was an actual case.A man and a woman were sharing a room... Both of them were sleeping.The fan was on... They died! Now it turns out, the man had a heart condition. And the woman was a smoker.The police concluded that the fan cooled her off, and the smoke went into her lungs, and it went into her bloodstream, and it stopped her heart... This is what happened!Fan death is real. And they know it's real, 'cause they found the bodies, and they put the bodies in the morgue. And lo and behold, the woman's heart was no longer beating. The man's heart was no longer beating.And the police were like, "I don't know what happened, but I do know that the fan was on!"And the coroner was like, "But the the lady was a smoker."And the police were like, "So, I think that the smoke went into her lungs, and it went into her blood, and it stopped her heart. It was the fan!"And the coroner was like, "...and the man was a diabetic, and his blood was thin."And the police were like, "Yes! The the fan cooled him off! And all the blood rushed to his heart, and it stopped his heart! So I think it's a double homicide that happened here! A fan homicide!"And the coroner was like, "But I don't know that's what happened."The police were like, "All we know is that the fan was on!"And he wrote it down in the report. And it was in the paper like that. Like, a respectable piece of journalistic work. He just wrote that. A double homicide happened here. With the fan was on.He's a smart guy. A smart guy.

    • 1 min
    Television insurance.

    Television insurance.

    "What kind of person would have television insurance? I think it's a man that's very careful. He's a man that likes to think ahead."



    ***



    LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup

    Humans are only involved to remove inappropriate & nonsensical text, and add punctuation for voice generation. Content is never human-revised or improved.

    www.edwardbenson.com/lollm



    ***



    TRANSCRIPT



    You know the other day, I got an add for television insurance.Television insurance!Now, I don't have television insurance, and I don't know anyone who has television insurance.So, what kind of person would have television insurance?You know, I think it's a man that's very careful.He's a man that likes to think ahead.He's thinking, "You know, I've got all these televisions, and I don't want to get caught without television insurance."Television insurance!You know what I think he's looking for is a big, big lawsuit.Is that what he's looking for?'Cause that's what this country is all about, isn't it?.Big, big lawsuits.Like, you know, the McDonald's suit.You know, that's a big lawsuit.That's a suit that's gonna go on for a long time, a lot of legal wrangling, a lot of finger-pointing, lawyers making a lot of money.And all for what? A spilled cup of coffee?A spilled cup of coffee.I bet that woman had television insurance.You know, some people would just say, "Hey, I'm sorry about that. I'll buy another cup of coffee."But some people, they're very litigious, and they want to sue.They want to sue.They want to sue.And you know what? They deserve to win.It's like: "Hey, you know, you're spilling stuff all the time.""Why don't you have a warning label on the cup? Something? ""You don't have a warning label, or a railing on the top."Maybe a little bell that rings when I'm coming around the corner?""You don't have that either, huh?""Well, you know, maybe I'm not gonna buy your goddamn coffee, then.If I'm gonna spill it, I'm gonna spill it, but I'm not gonna buy it."Some people, they want to sue.And you know what? I think they should.I think people should sue.I think people should sue.I think that's fair, you know? I think that's fair.And I think the lawyers should give a little bit of the money to the government.Just a little bit.Just a little bit.You know, just to keep 'em honest.So they're working on both sides, you know?.So they're not just working for one side.They're working for the government, and they're working for the people.And it keeps 'em honest.It keeps 'em honest.So, it's like, you know, you sue McDonald's, you get money.You give some of the money to the lawyer, and he gives some of the money to the government.It's the way it works.

    • 2 min

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