Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera

Stacey Herrera - Intimacy & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (3)
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Honest conversations about intimacy, desire, and relationships after 40. Sex in Real Life explores how connection, attraction, bodies, and relationships change in midlife and beyond, without shame or clichés. Instagram: @staceynherrera Subtack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Website: https://staceyherrera.com/

  1. 2D AGO

    How Sex Becomes a Source of Conflict in Longterm Relationships

    Why does sex become such a charged topic in long-term relationships?  Most of the time, you're not really fighting about frequency, desire, or who initiates. You're fighting about unmet emotional needs. Connection. Validation. Autonomy. Safety. Feeling wanted. When those needs aren't being met, sex becomes the battleground. And the conflict doesn't stay in the bedroom. In this episode, Stacey gets into what's really happening beneath the surface - and why asking "what is this really about?" changes everything.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Ready to Transform Your Intimate Conversations? Get the free workbook 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    16 min

  2. FEB 4

    When Longterm Love Loses Its Edge in Midlife Relationships

    This week's episode is for people in long-term relationships who feel like they've lost that loving feeling. Whether you're married, partnered, cohabitating, living apart, long-distance, or right around the corner. That zing that you felt at the beginning feels nonexistent. Why? Because biology is like that. And people change. Who you were at 30 isn't who you are beyond 45. Priorities and values shift—life lifes.  Sometimes you can grow into something new together. Sometimes not.  This isn't a Rx for fixing. Just a real conversation about the reality of this experience.      💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Ready to Transform Your Intimate Conversations? Get the free workbook 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    18 min

  3. JAN 28

    How to Hold Space When Your Partner Is Too Tired for Sex

    This week, we're talking about being better partners when your person doesn't have the bandwidth for sex. What it looks like to hold space without expectations. What it's not. How non-sexual touch builds intimacy and trust. And why both people get to have feelings—disappointment and exhaustion are both valid. When you can say no without being punished, you get to say yes from a place of authenticity.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Ready to Transform Your Intimate Conversations? Get the free workbook 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    22 min

  4. JAN 21

    Is Monotony Killing the Buzz in Your Sex Life?

    Autopilot is not a good thing in relationships. But that doesn't mean that monotony is the enemy. When you're on the routine hamster wheel of same place, same thing, it's hard to tell if you're bored with your partner or the script. But here's the thing, your brain loves automation. Efficiency makes its job easier. Trouble is, desire needs novelty to tap into aliveness. When sex becomes routine, you have a choice. You can make it mean "this relationship is broken." Or you can see it as an invitation. In this episode, Stacey talks about transforming monotony without reinventing the wheel. Most of the time, you don't need a complete overhaul. You just need a micro tweak.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Ready to Transform Your Intimate Conversations? Get the free workbook 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    15 min

  5. JAN 14

    Is Your Sex Life Doomed When You're Recovering from Sickness or Surgery?

    We plan for everything around surgery except sex. Time off work. Stocking the fridge. Help with the kids. Recovery logistics. We handle all of it. But what happens to your sex life during recovery? Nobody talks about that. Not with the doctor. Not with each other.  Sometimes bodies need repairs, especially after 40. The question isn't if… It's when.. And how will you handle it when it does?  In this episode, Stacey talks about navigating sex when you're in recovery mode. This isn't tips for "keeping the spark alive," but the reality of desire with nowhere to put it, and how to work through it together. In this episode: Managing expectations (what's realistic given the circumstances) How resentment builds when you don't talk about it Leading with grace and curiosity How to keep the sexual energy flowing when you can't do it Sex in real life sometimes looks like not having sex at all for a while. It doesn't mean your sex life is over. It means life is lifeing.       💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    22 min

  6. JAN 7

    Will Setting Sexual Intentions Improve Your Sex Life? Maybe So…

    Why isn't setting sexual intentions a thing? You set goals for your career, health, finances, relationships. But your sex life? That's supposed to just... happen naturally? That's b******t. Everything that matters requires intention. That includes your sex life. In this episode, Stacey walks you through how to set sexual intentions that actually mean something —not vague wishes, but real, specific intentions you can act on. In this episode: Why setting sexual intentions is a great idea Questions you should ask yourself Knowing what you control vs. what needs partner buy-in Pitfalls and ways you could f*ck it up Download the worksheet. Willing to share? Pop over to Substack. And share one of your intentions. Because when you say it out loud, even to strangers on the internet, it becomes more real.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    25 min

  7. 12/17/2025

    How Can You Own Your Wanting When You Struggle with Erectile Dysfunction?

    This is the final episode in our 6-part series on erectile dysfunction.  Over the past five weeks, we've talked about the weight, the mechanics, the conversations, what partners experience, and sex beyond erections. But we haven't talked about… wanting. One casualty of ED is desire. You stop letting yourself want. No fantasizing or anticipation. No imagining or longing. You disconnect from this part of yourself because wanting something you don't think you can have feels too painful. But when you disconnect from desire to protect yourself from disappointment, you don't just lose sex. You lose something essential —aliveness. In this episode, Stacey explores how to let yourself want again. In this episode: How shutting down sexual desire bleeds all over your life The difference between arousal and desire Gifting yourself permission to want  Desire in its most valid form is to "own the wanting." You don't need a body that works like it used to. You just need to let yourself feel again.       💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    27 min

  8. 12/10/2025

    Do You Need an Erection to Have Great Sex? (SPOILER: No)

    Most of us learned that sex = penetration. Everything else? Foreplay. Warmup. Extra. But that model is outdated, limiting, and honestly? It's been sidelining everyone's pleasure for way too long. But you should know that a soft penis is a functional penis. Soft penises can give pleasure and receive pleasure. And when you decentralize erections, a world of pleasure opens up. In this episode, Stacey gets explicit about what sex can look like when penetration isn't on the menu—not as a consolation prize, but as genuinely satisfying, delicious sex. In this episode: Why de-centering erections improves pleasure for all Shifting from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented sex Delicious examples of what sex can look like with or without an erection This isn't settling. It's expansion. Next week: Part 6, the last episode in this series. Reclaiming desire and starting anew.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

    22 min
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About

Honest conversations about intimacy, desire, and relationships after 40. Sex in Real Life explores how connection, attraction, bodies, and relationships change in midlife and beyond, without shame or clichés. Instagram: @staceynherrera Subtack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ Website: https://staceyherrera.com/

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