Why Men Mask Grief and How to Stop the Sabotage. CONNECT WITH CHARLENE On Instagram @mscharlenebyars (https://www.instagram.com/mscharlenebyars/?hl=en) On YouTube @chosentraining (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAEFkimtIowqoyz1_lnF8Rg) Work with me HERE (https://charlenebyars.com/) CONNECT WITH HAKEEM On Instagram: @BigDreamHakeem (https://www.instagram.com/bigdreamhakeem?igsh=NnVrMDA2dTczaDNv) On SKool: https://bit.ly/4tqr2Cl In This Episode We covered: 0:00 – Opening on what happens when men shut down emotionally, masking through work, substances, anger 0:22 – "You better talk to somebody" — the danger of running from your story 0:59 – Host intro and welcome to Hakeem 1:54 – Bio read for Hakeem (Big Dream Hakeem), founder of Choose Yourself Community 2:23 – Hakeem's backstory begins; athlete, motivator, but choosing others over self 3:20 – Growing up as a biracial only child, finding belonging through sports 4:15 – Father's absence, resentment toward authority, importance of forgiving fathers 5:12 – Brother Matthew's death at age 6; Hakeem pulls the plug at age 16, puts the mask on 6:10 – D1 full ride, running from grief, trouble with authority and coaching 7:08 – Men shutting down — sabotage, destruction, ego, numbing behaviors 8:36 – Transfers to D2, tears ACL first game — "God said sit with it" 9:03 – Quitting basketball and track; patterns of running from pain 10:46 – Birthday fight, first-degree assault felony at age 19 11:45 – Spiraling into the black market, multiple knee surgeries, living at mom's 12:39 – Why do we mask? Accountability vs. blame; faith reframing pain 14:25 – D3, Dallas Cowboys scout visit, breaks ankle — mask gone for good 15:25 – Jail, 8 months; friend's betrayal in interrogation 16:22 – Deep numbing: waking up high, bartending three shifts, up for days 18:11 – Father's warning: "Once you get used to going to that probation office…" 19:10 – Jailhouse lockdown — the Choose Yourself process is born; 4 phases of transition (withdrawals, blame, latching on, accountability) 21:22 – Pushups every 15 minutes in the cell; building community through fitness 22:51 – Presence through discomfort; why exercise silences the "quitting mind" 24:51 – 18 months post-jail: sleep reform, personal development books, liquor sales 27:54 – Choose Yourself brand is born; identifying the 5 pillars 29:39 – The 5 pillars: recognize trigger points, evaluate environment, set foundation, invest in yourself, create and contribute 3 1:57 – Sleep as the "lead domino"; the 6 pillars of foundation 32:26 – Pillar 1: Curfew/kick out time; Pillar 2: Digital sunset 33:58 – Pillar 3: Nighttime routine — melatonin, circadian rhythm, journaling 35:18 – Bed is for sleep and sex only; eliminating scrolling, food, TV in bed 37:48 – What changed first: energy, clarity, skin, gut health, fewer allergies 39:13 – Flexible foundations: mini vs. full; fanning the flame vs. adding gasoline 40:56 – Biggest resistance: skipping the morning routine / snooze button 41:11 – Science of snooze: 90-minute sleep cycles, anterior cingulate cortex 43:00 – Self-commitment in solitude vs. self-neglect; doing it for yourself not others 44:51 – Relationships reveal unhealed parts; doing the work before vs. during 45:38 – Hakeem's pattern: 18-month relationship cycle, fear of abandonment vs. commitment 47:33 – You can't stop your foundation when in a relationship 49:28 – Advice for someone stuck in a relationship that isn't working but feels like love 50:20 – How you treat yourself alone = the standard you set for others 52:58 – Immediate action steps: join the community, eliminate toxins, 30-day challenges 55:31 – Gut health, parasites, cravings as nutrient confusion; importance of fasting 56:24 – Stop caffeine first thing; drink water first; wait 90 minutes 57:25 – Hydration tips: celery, cucumbers, watermelon; Celtic salt + lemon juice 59:40 – Closing; how to find Hakeem — @BigDreamHakeem on IG, ChooseYourselfcommunity.com 1:00:08 – Why choose yourself first; the book Choose Yourself to Be Chosen 1:02:12 – Final message: faith, the divine within, deal maker vs. deal breaker 1:03:50 – Closing thoughts on faith in something greater and speaking to the God in others 1:04:55 – Host outro; podcast sign-off Are you running from your story? It’s time to stop masking the pain and start choosing yourself. In this powerful and incredibly raw episode, we sit down with Hakeem Bourne McFarland, widely known as Big Dream Hakeem, the founder of the "Choose Yourself Community." The 4 Phases of Transition: Hakeem breaks down the inevitable stages of any life change: Withdrawals (Pain), Victim Mode (Blame), Trying to Fit In (Latch), and finally, Accountability. If you are spiraling, masking, or just waiting for life to force your hand, this conversation is the wake-up call you need to reclaim your power and choose yourself with intention.
