I finally feel on to text. I finally feel ok to talk. I know it may have not been the right thing to not talk for a while but after my catastrophe at the Atlanta airport after my conference and then turning my phone on after spending 15 hours in the atl airport to arrive at midnight to create a presentation to present at 6am, I didn’t have it in be to explain what happened at the airport. For the first time i genuinely did not want to speak to you. I was tired of hearing and reading you jumping to conclusions about me ignoring and avoiding. At the conference absolutely I wasn’t about to talk about this and get stressed before my presentations and we had late required late nights. As stressed as I have been at work I couldn’t take being stressed at all outside of work. I knew October would be challenging and tried to get through it but i have realized many things. I was able to finally get away alone over Christmas. I have had this message saved for a long time now and didn’t know how to say what I had on my mind, on my heart. My time isn’t going to get better, it’s my curse, my sacrifice, and that I’m ok with. I’ve accepted it and i have said this before and I’ll say it again, I can’t sit here feeling guilty about time not given when I don’t have it to give. Sitting here hearing that I’m not prioritizing someone I love when I’m doing the best I can while failing at other tasks to secure our future. You deserve to have someone that has the time you crave. These past couple months I have found peace. I cannot lie, I do miss you, your smell, your touch, your laugh. However I can see now that I would do nothing but hurt you. I should not be in a relationship. I also think we got fooled into thinking living in the same state wasn’t a long distance relationship when it absolutely is. The two weekends I get off after working 80+ hours just isn’t enough time off for me to drive up to DC. I can’t do it, my body won’t let me and I have to take care of myself. I have appreciated all that you have taught me. You are an amazing woman and I’m proud to have had you by my side the past year. Thank you for everything. My path is going to be a hard path but it’s a path that not many ppl will be able to understand. I will take care of the needy across the world. And no one can stop me.
