Mormon to Muse

Kristin Martineau

You didn't lose your faith. You found out something true — and now you're figuring out who you are on the other side. Mormon to Muse is a podcast for women navigating life after the Mormon church — the faith transition grief nobody prepares you for, the identity loss that comes with leaving a high-control religious system, and the slow, honest work of reclaiming yourself. Each week I explore what it means to find yourself again after the Mormon church — through creative practice, life coaching tools, and the kind of honest conversation you can't have at Sunday dinner If you've spent years being everything for everyone else and you're only now starting to wonder who you actually are — you're in exactly the right place. Start with: "You Were Never Just a Calling."

  1. 1d ago

    Making Peace with the Human Void: Why That Empty Feeling Isn't a Problem to Fix

    There's a particular kind of longing that shows up even when my life is good. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is happening. And still — something feels missing. A low hum of restlessness, the sense that I forgot something, that there's supposed to be more. This is the human void, and every healthy person carries it. Even small children. In this episode, I walk through how different traditions have tried to explain that empty place inside us — and what happens when we stop trying to fill it. Buddhism names it dukkha, the dissatisfaction that shadows even good experiences because we know they won't last, and asks us to observe it without resistance. Camus called it the Absurd: the collision between our hunger for meaning and a universe that stays silent. His answer wasn't despair or invented comfort, but absurd freedom — living defiantly, fully, and authentically anyway. Mormonism offered its own framing: the void as homesickness for heavenly parents, a memory of wholeness we can't quite recall. Comforting, in a way — it gives the feeling a direction and a meaning. But that's not how I experienced it. For me, the void registered as something is wrong with me. I'm not repenting enough. I don't have the spirit. I'm probably the only one who feels this way. The emptiness became evidence of personal failure, and the failure became shame. The coaching lens reframes all of it. The void is the lower brain doing its survival job — scanning for threat, reading emotional discomfort as danger, driving us toward the candy aisle, the phone, the drink, the busyness, anything to make the bad feeling stop. But here's the misfire: in modern life, feeling bad is almost never a survival emergency. The feeling itself was never dangerous. What hurts us and the people around us is what we do to escape it. So how do we solve the void? We don't. I make the case that the relief isn't in fixing the emptiness but in understanding it's universal, normal, maybe even purposeful — the engine that pushes us to grow, make, and reach. I close with the practices that help me: naming the void, stopping the search for the thing that will finally fix me, releasing the people I love from the impossible job of filling it, getting comfortable with ambiguity, and paying attention to the ordinary moments when — singing along to a light show in a language that isn't mine, watching my kids light up at a boatful of monkeys, lying in a quiet house with everyone home and safe — everything, right now, is okay. I was taught the missing feeling meant something had gone wrong. It never did. It just meant I was alive. In this episode: What the human void is and why every healthy person has one How Buddhism (dukkha), Camus (the Absurd), and Mormon doctrine each explain the empty place inside us Why the void often registered as shame inside a high-control religious framework The lower brain's survival wiring and why it misreads emotional discomfort as danger Why the feeling itself is never the threat — the escape behaviors are Practical ways to live in response to the void instead of burying it The role of presence and ordinary moments of "everything is okay right now" A note: this episode discusses the universal experience of emptiness and restlessness, which is distinct from clinical depression or other conditions that deserve professional support. If the emptiness you feel is persistent, heavy, or interfering with your life, please reach out to a qualified professional.

    25 min
  2. Jun 21

    The Number One Mistake I See Women Who Leave The Church and How to Fix It

    You know you don't have to do what everyone else wants anymore. So why is it still so hard to figure out what you want? If you left the Mormon church and you're still second-guessing every decision, still scanning for the "right" answer, still feeling like a stranger in your own life — this episode is for you. Here's the thing I see more than anything else in women who leave: you're trying to find yourself using the same map that buried you in the first place. You want to get somewhere new, but you're still navigating with the old tools. In this episode I'm handing you a new map. Not one that tells you where to go — one that helps you get wherever you decide to go. I get into: Why your intuition isn't gone — it's buried — and what that actually means What intuition really is (it's a skill, not a mystical gift, and not the Holy Ghost) How conditioning taught you to outsource your own authority, suppress your feelings, and measure yourself by performance The number one mistake I see: trying to access your intuition through the old frameworks you were handed Why feelings make a terrible tool for measuring objective truth — and what they're actually for How the church taught you that good feeling = true and bad feeling = wrong, and why that broke your relationship with your own knowing Why a bad feeling is information, never a verdict on your character The MUSE map I built from the roadblocks I see most in women rebuilding after the church This isn't about trading one rulebook for another. It's about learning to hear yourself — maybe for the first time — and trusting yourself enough to decide what comes next. Don't miss Intuition Hour: How to Get to Know Yourself. I'm teaching this class live this Thursday June 25th 11:00 am MST. Save your spot HERE. You'll learn exactly how to get in touch with your own intuition so you can live a confident, fun, big life that's authentic to you.

    20 min
  3. May 24

    You Were Never Unworthy: How Unconditional Positive Regard Heals the Damage of Mormon Worthiness Culture

    What if the system that claimed to be making you good was actually the thing standing in the way? In this episode we go deep on one of the most important distinctions for women rebuilding after Mormonism — the difference between unconditional positive regard and worthiness culture. Not as abstract concepts, but as two completely different operating systems for how a human being understands their own value. And what it actually costs to spend your formative years in the wrong one. We talk about the temple recommend, the worthiness interview, the tithing settlement, the conditional eternal family — not to relitigate the church, but to name precisely what those structures did to your nervous system and why the wiring doesn't leave just because the institution does. We also go somewhere most deconstruction content doesn't — into the legitimate fear underneath it all. If the threat of unworthiness was what was keeping me good, who am I without it? That question deserves a real answer. This episode gives one. And we end where it always ends for me — at the canvas. With the dishes in the sink. With the first time I listened to myself instead of the ledger, and what I found out when I did. IN THIS EPISODE What unconditional positive regard actually is — and what it isn't Where the internal editor comes from and why it feels like your own voice The specific structures of Mormon worthiness culture and what they produce in a person Why the wiring outlasts the institution The difference between genuine self-development and self-punishment dressed as self-improvement Why the threat of unworthiness doesn't make people good — it makes them careful What happens to moral development when the external structure falls away The Steinbeck quote that reframes everything What UPR for yourself actually looks like in a real life — including dirty dishes and a paintbrush   RESOURCES MENTIONED The Reclamation Sketchbook — free guided creative resource for women rebuilding after faith transition East of Eden by John Steinbeck — the source of the quote that closes the episode Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person — if you want to go deeper on unconditional positive regard

    39 min
  4. May 17

    You Can Trust Your Feelings Again: Emotional Literacy, Embodiment, and Self-Trust After Faith Transition

    Download the 7 Day Reclamation Sketchbook There is a feeling you know very well. You felt it in sacrament meeting, reading scripture, bearing your testimony. It was warm. It was certain. It felt like coming home to something true. And you were told — explicitly, repeatedly, from the time you were small — that feeling was proof. That it was the Holy Ghost confirming the church was true. Then you found out the church wasn't true. And the crisis wasn't just about your beliefs. It was about your feelings. Because if that feeling — the one you had trusted your entire life — if that feeling was wrong, how do you trust anything you feel ever again? That is the question this episode is built to answer. And the answer is not what you expect. That feeling wasn't wrong. It was misread. Those are two very different things — and the difference between them is going to change how you understand every feeling you've had and every feeling you're going to have. This episode is the full primer: what feelings actually are, what that confirming feeling was really telling you, what the church specifically did to your emotional life, what it means to be embodied and why Mormon women were conditioned to leave their bodies, and how to actually process a feeling all the way through. Not manage it. Not perform it. Actually feel it. This is the thing nobody taught you. It starts here. In this episode: What that warm confirming feeling was actually telling you — and why it was real even if the claims it was recruited to confirm were not Why the church's confirmation framework depended on feelings as proof — and what that required of your emotional sophistication What feelings actually are: the biology, the body, and why the 90-second emotional wave matters The difference between a feeling, a thought, and a story — and what it costs you to collapse them Feelings as a compass, not a camera: what your feelings can and cannot tell you, and the one question that helps you read them accurately The specific mechanisms Mormonism used to distort your relationship with your feelings — prescribed emotions, spiritual bypassing, performed certainty, and the internal gatekeeper that keeps running long after you leave The particular emotional burden placed on Mormon women — and how being responsible for everyone else's emotional climate meant abandoning your own What embodiment actually means, why Mormon women were specifically conditioned to leave their bodies, and what it costs you when you try to process feelings without one The difference between experiencing a feeling and actually moving through it — and the tell that reveals whether you've been feeling or just managing A five-step process for processing a feeling from the body up Why emotional literacy is the foundation of self-trust, and why creative practice is one of the most direct paths there. References: Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight — the 90-second emotional wave Jill Bolte Taylor TED Talk: "My Stroke of Insight" The CTFAR self-coaching model (Brooke Castillo

    30 min
  5. May 10

    The Sinfulness of Selfhood: Why Differentiation Feels Dangerous After Mormonism

    Episode 51: The Sinfulness of Selfhood: Why Differentiation Feels Dangerous After Mormonism There is a word the church uses for a woman who trusts her own mind over the institution. The word is proud. There is a word for a woman who grows in a direction the people around her didn't agree to. The word is deceived. There is a word for a woman who becomes too much of a self — who wants too specifically, thinks too independently, needs too little from the structure. The word is lost. This episode is about what they were actually describing. And why the guilt you feel about becoming yourself has a source — and that source is not the truth about who you are. In this episode: Why differentiation is normal, healthy human development — and why Mormonism theologized against it The Correlation Program: how the church standardized not just doctrine but selfhood, and what it cost women specifically What differentiation actually is — and why it is not rebellion, selfishness, or rejection of the people you love The internal work that has to happen before the relational work can: finding your own voice underneath everything you were told to be Why the people who love you sometimes can't tolerate your growth — and the two distinct things that are happening when they pull away The pressure/yield/disinvest model from Jennifer Finlayson-Fife and how it maps onto your closest relationships Why Karl and I — both out of the church, both committed to each other — still had to learn to hold space for each other's growth The over-correction trap: how early differentiation can become its own kind of fusion The loneliness that comes with genuine individuation — and why it means something is forming, not breaking Why becoming yourself is the most loving thing you can do for the people around you Resources mentioned: Murray Bowen — differentiation of self theory Jennifer Finlayson-Fife — pressure/yield/disinvest model Combating Cult Mind Control — Steven Hassan   Are you just beginning to ask who you actually are underneath everything you were told to be? The Reclamation Sketchbook is a free 7-day guided art journal designed to help you start hearing yourself again — no art experience needed, no right way to do it. Just you, a page, and the first small steps back to yourself. → Get the free Reclamation Sketchbook

    27 min
5
out of 5
10 Ratings

About

You didn't lose your faith. You found out something true — and now you're figuring out who you are on the other side. Mormon to Muse is a podcast for women navigating life after the Mormon church — the faith transition grief nobody prepares you for, the identity loss that comes with leaving a high-control religious system, and the slow, honest work of reclaiming yourself. Each week I explore what it means to find yourself again after the Mormon church — through creative practice, life coaching tools, and the kind of honest conversation you can't have at Sunday dinner If you've spent years being everything for everyone else and you're only now starting to wonder who you actually are — you're in exactly the right place. Start with: "You Were Never Just a Calling."