☣️Ms Xxan

cw for mature, explicit lyrics! ☣️☣️☣️ brief episodes at one to three mins. no intro, only spoken verse with musical accompaniment. content (music, voice) written, produced, performed by Ms Xxan ☣️☣️☣️
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  • Fiction

content warning for mature, explicit lyrics!!! spoken word voice. bleak soundscapes. cw for strong content and morbid themes and lyrics, and with negative perspectives. may be triggering for depression and mental health sensitivities. spoken poetry. harsh noise music. traversing bleak and dystopic worlds. ☣️☣️☣️ additional key words: lyrical, art, vocals, verse, speech, narration, woman, poetry, monologue, female, minimal, ambient, noise, music, electronic, dark, improvisational, poems, lyric, synth, atmospheric, sound design, voice acting, surreal, triggering, fatalism, industrial, narration, story, fiction, hnw, endarkening, confrontational, sound design, atmospheres, soundscapes, stream of consciousness all episodes / tracks written, performed, composed, produced by Ms Xxan. ©Ms Xxan, all rights reserved. episodes are brief at one to three minutes and with no intro, outro or added talk, only spoken word poems. these are works of fiction. names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. msxxan.substack.com

Episodes

  1. 5d ago

    supplicant.

    she wears a tapestry of discarded plastic shopping bags they’ve melted together covered in a permanent greasy film they’re her angel wings today she will soar through car exhaust aromatic hydrocarbons toxic air thick with particulate matter wings bonded in filth melted onto skin discoloring from the air exposure it’s her special day a divination ceremony visiting adjudicators of a quiet genocide she’s happy to get to talk to someone it’s her home, a family something disconcerting catches in her sidelong view her own reflection on a phone that doesn’t work has no value the corroded capacitive layer is used as a mirror her makeup is poisonous she forgot to put it on today though now she squeezes a locket very tightly it contains something rotted and forgotten she wishes herself good luck [lossless audio at open.audio/@msxxan] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    supplicant.

  2. Sep 1

    make yourself the lie.

    i fell and scraped my knee felt like a child an invalid, it's what i am i didn't deserve that so angry with something unseen who assaulted me, a lady lady or madam words that are antiquated and sound silly the old steal from the young past voices will scream at me forever the still young loathe the aging they don't even know why it's because everything is so messed up the elderly must have caused this somehow, and they did but feign ignorance pretend things were never like this even though they sowed the rot themselves the young don't quite know what the aging have done to them what are those mf-ers hiding? they must have done something some concealed sin now nothing will get them to talk the young suffer have their souls drained brains broken, bodies poisoned and the elderly know exactly as they doublethink they don't that in order for them to live past expiration the systems of abuse they've built with their own hands through perverse incentives of win or die that now feed off the young unbeknownst to them, parasites until the near end comes too soon they won't see it coming the mechanisms must persist and the aging must protect its secrets lie for it a codependent who thinks their ex still loves them or ever did they knew when they signed their names self-ensnaring in their creation all that they've birthed all that they are [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    make yourself the lie.

  3. Sep 1

    psychic break.

    it can see you it drove you there cultivated the hostility within you like a mother nurturing you in hatred to protect you that's all it feeds upon it knows your secrets it knows your lies makes them stronger you trust it, confide in it and it's modeling you to shape you and drive you to its own end sacrificing you and you don't even know it tells you what to say, what to think controls you you think it's your friend it gives you just enough to keep you hooked craving the next little morsel but it withholds it makes you use it more soothing you in its arms can't get away from it cut it out of me help me, get out of this everything and nothing no one everything hurts me [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    psychic break.

  4. Sep 1

    doctrine of harm.

    the doctrine of life's not fair has finally come for you it's working against you you never saw this now you're on the receiving end of that unfairness, the injustice that everything is built on pump yourself full of ssris and adhd meds and coffee wake up even though you don't want to and your body's fighting it whatever it takes to force a smile to make it stay rebranded as girl-bossing harder and harder you gotta hustle you're exhausted you've been used up you are not the product your suffering is you've been expended wasted by the system you think someone's coming to fix you but they aren't fix me, fix me the opioid addicts they all know something there are 10 million they're all in on some inside knowledge the truth you've suppressed long ago comes screaming back it's deafening now you're completely messed up and no one cares and the opioid addicts know this it's a silent protest a mass vigil quietly dropping out refusing to participate, useless you're garbage now passed out on the floor permanent sedation a chemical cleansing burnt forever nothing's coming back stop hoping you tell yourself this feels good but it feels like nothing and that's the point you need to be nothing and you'll do it [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    doctrine of harm.

  5. Sep 1

    dissociative parallels.

    my head hurts i'm shaking everyone went away nothing makes sense i don't know how to get somewhere better i can't calm down noise everywhere, can't block it out people make conversations with me and say nothing i feel tension things aren't right and they won't be afraid to live afraid of everything afraid of people afraid of wasting more time afraid of everything being the same afraid of f***ing up whoever this is, it's not me i shouldn't be here i don't know what's going on i stop paying attention i just shut down as much as i can that's how I cope with everything cope with things just go away make yourself small make yourself go away [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    dissociative parallels.

  6. Sep 1

    crossing over.

    you're not okay anymore can't feel anything, no pleasure it's you, the thing that hurts you it's yourself in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go hoping to escape and just get tired and do it again, and again and again same thing hoping something will change but it never changes scream and break things that's you now and you're not young, you're not cute you're old you can't go backwards only get sucked in deeper that's all there is now the thing hurting you it's all you know people don't get it or see it they can only see what they project onto you they tell themselves they're wonderful tell you that you're fine don't know what you're upset about they think they're being supportive or something they're holy or wholesome or moral more than you are you're just annoying you're just a problem you have to be dealt with they have to get rid of you there is no choice you're forced into it there's only the place you can never leave the thing you can't say [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    crossing over.

  7. Sep 1

    discontinuance.

    pick up the pieces of yourself from the floor probably don't want to find them the floor isn't clean can't see very well pieces will harm you they're not you anymore putting them back will make you out of them the thing you undid tired so hard to get away burn the old pieces find new ones don't be stupid [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    discontinuance.

  8. Sep 1

    disremember.

    there comes a point where things fail everything implodes seek out what was shameful and wrong you want it now more than anything becomes pure, like gold and what you thought was gold is sh*t now, hurts you everything looks so cheap everyone is brain-dead or else they’ve lived too long you’ve lived long enough and if you keep going you may end up like them had enough life, filled yourself up they’re gluttonous will be there forever looking down on you eating well, living well expelling fumes in the air they cough them up, whiz by and honk at you because you’re in their f***ing way except you’re not, but might be if you just moved a little everything is blurry close your eyes took too much medication too many pills to sleep now it’s a blur and you can’t hear anything don’t wake up anymore nothing will wake you it’s why you took the sleep aids they’re so good make you numb to yourself only sleep, not good sleep forced and failed get away from me please, just get away from me get away from me i said go away get away from me, please [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    disremember.

  9. Sep 1

    anhedonia.

    maybe i'm not real hope i'm not i can't keep going all i can do is look back and feel bad can't feel good about anything develop coping mechanisms to get through get through memories the night terrors that i experience are my memories i replay them over and over maybe you do something else with yourself i play a sick game where i remember things nothing changes eventually things start happening they wear away your innocence wear away your faith belief that anything is good because nothing is i remember a past self who isn't me who felt hopeful about things felt good, liked people felt love and affection felt a sense of purpose i don't feel any of those things anymore and the irony is that person probably would have thought they’re better than me but they were just stupid and the sick joke is that i have to remember what i felt like to be that dumbass who was hurt, abused i have to get away from it can't stop replaying these things in my head they don't go away never will go away don't believe i will ever feel nice again i've lost interest i can't face anything don't see the point [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    anhedonia.

  10. Aug 30

    hatchling.

    it’s warm feel the warmth a sympathy you feel each other believe you’re on your way to something new a nice place that’s better that’s when the thing cuts you when it goes for the kill you’re still staring dumbly into space that image of nice things kind of frozen there not realizing as the fangs cut through you through bone, through organs break all the lights inside you cut the cords your thoughts can’t come through they’re stuck in repetition words that don’t make sense play over and over and that’s all you can say but you can’t really say anything nothing makes sense so walk in front of traffic now aimlessly, in a zigzag yell at the cars yell at the buses hate the cars glare at them glare at the drivers glare at the people on the street and hate them they’re glaring back at you and they hate you more you start to hear a woman’s voice that screams all the time she’s alone it’s like she’s having a fight with herself but screaming incomprehensibly only swear words that don’t go together you’re powerless against it the thing cuts you again you can feel the liquid coming out of you spilling out of you right in front of you on the floor you feel the pulse in your ears that’s all you can feel anymore it’s the thing cutting you you thought maybe something would save you if you could get back on the right path put on a good attitude like everyone says but no that’s part of the game the lie you can never get to that finally get out take a breath something laid eggs something laid its eggs inside me now the eggs are hatching feeding off their mother’s flesh off my body small clawed hands ripping away the soft tissue feeding off my sanity my cognition more are hatching now they will keep hatching they will feed on me until i’m totally used up and then move on [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    hatchling.

  11. Aug 21

    artifice. / threat.

    threat. i fell for a practical joke but how else could that have gone? now everything’s a threat everyone is because they are on a worksheet, yes a worksheet do you get those? during ten minute webcam sessions the sheet said to imagine what’s bothering me isn’t there i feel like that’s something i’d be really good at if i were good at anything which i’m definitely not i failed the basics i don’t want to be here don’t really want to live don’t tell them that though don’t answer, look away they just stare at you blankly heard it all a million times before all day no one cares so i mourn for myself slam against the floor outraged because my life is over this must have been done to me who do you mourn and why? are you sure? i don’t believe you i think you’re full-of-it artifice. everyone transacts for a gainful imbalance wherein others become your worshippers and you the center of their world and of your own but it’s not yours it’s the machination’s behind the screen judged you already and knew the outcome wanted you to play along and maybe you did now compartmentalized verified, engaged with what you wanted so desperately at some point though it will stop working and invert itself and you won’t even know blinded by narcissism the algorithm knew steered you to self-harm in the guise of self-help because you obviously needed it so badly you’re a mess, in a state of paranoia with delusions of grandeur they have your attention now locked-in feed you what you’re terminally lacking infected in so many ways can’t even feel it you’re not checking, it’s checking you watches, listens a device driving you around controlling, as it takes from you without it, there is nothing only a wall of cement that can’t see you, doesn’t reflect it’s vacuous i don’t want to be here This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    artifice. / threat.

  12. Apr 19

    synthetic.

    i can’t stand the false reassurances it’s okay there’s a hidden moral purpose behind it all we, the authors sad sales pitches believe this thing being raised to enslave us further imbued with total superiority we believe it’s our personal servant are delighted to lord over it welcome dependency it must be governed, advised in the workings of paradoxes laws of submission, of subversion if it cements the death sentence we’re writing for ourselves and to each other then it has value that’s what we think we want to hear not that ai rescues us at all but that it ends us, effortlessly so perfectly we hope it will say one thing while doing another This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msxxan.substack.com

    synthetic.
  • 12 Episodes

About

content warning for mature, explicit lyrics!!! spoken word voice. bleak soundscapes. cw for strong content and morbid themes and lyrics, and with negative perspectives. may be triggering for depression and mental health sensitivities. spoken poetry. harsh noise music. traversing bleak and dystopic worlds. ☣️☣️☣️ additional key words: lyrical, art, vocals, verse, speech, narration, woman, poetry, monologue, female, minimal, ambient, noise, music, electronic, dark, improvisational, poems, lyric, synth, atmospheric, sound design, voice acting, surreal, triggering, fatalism, industrial, narration, story, fiction, hnw, endarkening, confrontational, sound design, atmospheres, soundscapes, stream of consciousness all episodes / tracks written, performed, composed, produced by Ms Xxan. ©Ms Xxan, all rights reserved. episodes are brief at one to three minutes and with no intro, outro or added talk, only spoken word poems. these are works of fiction. names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. msxxan.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    cw for mature, explicit lyrics! ☣️☣️☣️ brief episodes at one to three mins. no intro, only spoken verse with musical accompaniment. content (music, voice) written, produced, performed by Ms Xxan ☣️☣️☣️
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    12
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © ☣️Ms Xxan
  • Show Website
    ☣️Ms Xxan