My Fictional Diary

Me, Anonymously
  • 5.0 (1)
  • FICTION

A woman ends her five year relationship after realizing she's been gaslit and she gets her f*cking life back 💃 myfictionaldiary.substack.com

  1. 07/24/2025

    Chapter 21 - Epilogue

    Saturday, November 13th, 2021 Katy and I went to see Reggie Watts last night at Dynasty Typewriter. She got to meet him in the hall when she went to the bathroom. Sara June opened and she did a bit where she pretended to be the moon. As the moon, she was tired of everyone blaming her for their problems. She had us read cards with all of the nice things you could say about the moon instead, “Let us dance in worship of her!” “See, it’s not that hard!” She exclaimed. I am the moon. After the show, we went to Idle Hour where we felt like mice in a barrel. It was a cool spot – I love going out and seeing so many young people! A guy told me my blazer brought him joy. I watched Katy down a burger. I know I need to eat, my stomach is growling, but I’m not hungry – I have no appetite. We came back to the house and even though Katy had an early flight to catch, we stayed up later than we had in a long time; we didn’t want the night to end. I listened to Katy play along to music videos on the TV with the ukulele she got me for my birthday. Joffrey turned all of the photos of us in our room back around. I think I’ll take them all out. He left an empty suitcase, so I’m guessing he’ll be back – I’ll try to be out of the house. I was ready for him to have left. Our last conversation gave me the closure I needed. I know that seeing him again would only bring more pain. I’m glad he didn’t understand in the end. When he said that we share the blame 50/50, I felt good about my choice to leave him. When he said he hopes I learn to forgive, it was clear to me – we’ve always said there was this imaginary list… Some people are on the list and some people are not. You know who’s on your list. Joffrey is no longer on my list. In all of this, I’ve learned from re-reading my own thoughts and feelings that I have a beautiful mind and soul. At some point, Joffrey stopped seeing that. He doesn’t see that all I’ve done is love him so much that I’ve forgiven him over and over and over again. I deserve someone who shares my heart and mind. There’s literally (and physically) a mountain between us now. The space feels good. I am at peace. I’m going to buy myself flowers today. I know that the excitement for my new life and the grief for my old one will come in waves. These last few weeks have taught me that you’re never alone. There are always people who are ready to carry you through – all you have to do is ask. I’m 138 pounds now. I’ve lost 8 pounds over the course of this breakup. Katy said it took her a year to get her ex’s negative voice out of her head, but she knew those thoughts weren’t hers. I wonder at what point their thoughts became ours. How did we lose our light? I blocked Joffrey across my social media and unfollowed his family to make this all easier. I changed my relationship status to single and un-shared my location. I asked him to let me know when he’s coming over so that I can be out of the house. I swear, this is like a movie that just doesn’t end. We hit all of the plot points, but it just keeps going. Right when you think it’s over… BAM! A new conflict. We’ve got at least another thirty minutes left. We can’t message on Facebook now, so he texted back: Joffrey: I didn’t like how our last conversation went last night. Could we please talk a little more today? I just wanted a good day – a celebration of me! Amy, Elena, and April are coming over for my goth-themed break-up slumber party tonight. I have things to do. They’re so great. April congratulated me on my living situation becoming less tense and is bringing wine. Elena is excited to celebrate me! Me: I really don’t want to. I feel like I got closure. I’d just cry more. I’m afraid you’ll make it harder again. Joffrey: Please. I might not see you for a long time. I just can’t sit with all of this. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I have to be so goddamn empathetic to where I put his feelings above my own? And for what? To only be criticized in return? What could he possibly say now that would make it better for me? This is all for him. It’s still all for him. But I’m curious. Would it be better to be left wondering? Phone a friend. I worked it out with my dad. He always gives the best advice. I need space, and if he loves me and cares about me, he’ll understand that. Maybe he’d have said all the right things, but that wouldn’t help me heal. And I can’t risk him making me question my decision even more. Dad said not to suggest this because it could come off as cold, but it made me feel better to hear that if he really wants to get closure himself, get whatever he’s thinking off his chest, he can write it down. And if he really needs me to hear how he’s feeling, he can send it in a letter. He knows I’ve always wanted a letter – or more practically, he could even go the easier route and shoot me an email. I can’t worry about Joffrey anymore. I choose me. (What a great finale! Character growth! Can this be the end?) Willing it into existence: EPILOGUE: F*****g hell. I texted him back my answer as he walked through the front door. He messaged me as I hid in my room: Joffrey: I completely understand. That’s why I'm living in Wade’s nasty room for a month. Because I care about you so much that I am absolutely 100% willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. That’s all I want to say to you right now. I just need you to know all my feelings for you. He sat waiting for me on the couch downstairs. I headed down and put on my shoes, ready to excuse myself. He came to join me in the entryway. I listened. He didn’t understand why I was angry with him – he’d been giving me space, and he’s doing everything he can. He says he doesn’t know who he is without me – that I am his air. I am his person. That he’s sorry that our relationship wasn’t as good for me as it was for him. That he knows what he needs to do now, and he’s learned a lot. That we have a white love. He wants to see me in a month. I didn’t cry – I’ve heard it before. I asked him what a white love was – said it sounded racist. He smiled. He described to me something I’d shown him before about two different kinds of love. There’s the love you feel in the beginning that gives you butterflies, and that turns into something deeper, more comfortable. It’s not as exciting, but it’s real – they become your partner. He thought our love, our connection, was stronger than anyone’s he knows our age. He thought everyone could see it. I told him how I felt after our last conversation and what I thought about it. I said he may interpret this as a f**k you, but it’s coming from a place of love – I hope he goes to therapy and figures out who he is. I wished him the best. I told him that I’ve written everything down – what happened, how I felt about it. That I didn’t feel like he was in the right headspace to read it yet, but that in a year or two he might have the luxury that most boyfriends, or exes, don’t have – reflection. He didn’t like that timeframe. I shared that I might publish it. I said meeting up in a month might be too soon, but eventually, I would like to keep him in my life. He’s going to pack all day today, and I asked not to see him for a while. I’m writing this from the park with Penny, on my blanket with a view of the mountains. She’s rolling around in the grass. I’m giving the day to myself and filling it with things I love. I thought about this moment so many times – the final goodbye. The end. I grabbed my keys, “See you on the other side.” I turned to go and he said something that I couldn’t make out. I thought about letting it go but turned back. He said he loved me. I wasn’t sure if I should, but I said, “I love you,” back. Goodbye, Joffrey. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    9 min

  2. 07/23/2025

    Chapter 20 - How Strong I Am

    Friday, November 12th, 2021 When Joffrey wanted Voldemort to move in with us, I was hesitant. I warned him that if he treated me the way he treated me when we lived with Elliot, I’d be done. That if there were any conflicts, he’d have to recognize my feelings. I told him that. I thought he’d grown. My heart beats out of sync. Katy and I are sitting in a coffee shop, finishing up our work. I started to cry. I tell her I’m so afraid. She asks, “Of what?” Doing this alone. What if I can’t be without him? What if I miss him too much? What if I get too lonely? She told me it’d be a good thing – that I’ll find out how strong I am. When we got home, Joffrey was letting Penny out. I stayed behind to talk with him. He revealed he was leaving tonight. I told him I was finally angry – I was mad at him for blaming me. I’d asked him for what I needed for so long and waiting until the end to fix it wasn’t a good sign. He said he’s learned a lot and he knows what he needs to do now, that he loves me. I told him I love him too. That I hope he figures himself out and finds someone else, but that it doesn’t work out – I really hoped it would be us. He told me he hopes I learn to forgive. I’ve forgiven so much… He said he was sorry he made me feel the way that I did. I asked him to fix it. I told him I didn’t know what the future held, but I needed to do what was right for me now. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    2 min

  3. 07/23/2025

    Chapter 19 - My Dream Girl

    Thursday, November 11th, 2021 11/11 Make a Wish... Katy and I went to The Cheesecake Factory last night. I bought us sangrias and she read through my journal. It felt nice to have someone feel what I’m going through. Her review was that it was very relatable. Reading it was entertaining, but what I’m feeling is exhausting – the ongoing theme is that he’s immature. I had a sex dream about Joffrey last night. It was hot. I just told him I canceled our couples therapy appointment so that I could get my own new therapist because I didn’t like the one we met with, and if he’d like to continue couples therapy or do his own therapy, he’d have to call to authorize it. But if we do continue couples therapy, I want to do conscious uncoupling. I think that could really help us both. We sat on the couches and were sad, but I was happy he stayed calm and didn’t get angry. He was disappointed – said he told his friends it went really well, but he knew I didn’t like the therapist. He laughed about how much credit she gave him. She took his side just for showing up – I’m the one who set the whole thing! And she kept telling me how he felt and what he actually meant – he remarked she wasn’t accurate. He left feeling extremely validated. The room I was in just got darker and darker as the sun went down and the session went on; that’s how I felt – darker. He still feels like this is just what happens in relationships – couples fight. The therapist just reinforced that we should stay together and learn to work through this or else we’ll have the same problems in our next relationship. And maybe that’s true for Joffrey… But I don’t believe that for me. Maybe I’m just trading one set of problems for another. And now, at the end, Joffrey is seemingly ready to work on his and that means a lot. So much so that it makes me almost want to try. I just still have this voice in my head that’s telling me to be on my own, and I need to start listening to her. Even if I am making a huge mistake, I’m going to be okay. I’ll let the future work itself out. I tried telling Joffrey, again, how I felt. He listened. I told him on top of the problems we’ve had, I need to listen to my voice. I told him that I really hope we can both cherish this time we have alone because we probably won’t get much time to just ourselves in our lives – that I hope it’s valuable for both of us, and we become stronger people for it. At one point in all of this, he moved to the kitchen and said, “That’s what I get – too much faith.” That hurt, but I didn’t try to change his outlook. He said he didn’t mean the mean things he’d said. That it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. He tried to tell me I’d said mean things to him when I hit him with the pillow. I asked him what I’d said. He couldn’t remember because I hadn’t. I recounted what had happened. I reminded him that it wasn’t just when he’s heated – I have to justify my feelings all the time, even when he’s calm and that’s not healthy for me. He asked if I’d talked to my parents and I shared that I’ve called my dad almost every day. He said he’s talked to his mom a little and that she’d be mad – she was so mad at his last ex. I asked if his mom loved her as much as me and he said no. I told him I hope she doesn’t hate me and that I’ll really miss his family. I let him know I planned on going home for Thanksgiving week, and he said that he might go stay in Wade’s room for two months while he figured it out. He asked if he could not pay rent here next month if he’s paying rent there and said he’d take most of his stuff. He asked if leaving some things would bother me and I said, “Some things.” I asked about Connell’s project, and he was still apprehensive about including me. I told him I wanted to still be a part of it since we’re both already involved, and that I hope we can get to a point where we can shoot together one day since we’re a good team – he still wanted to shoot my award-winning script, Tropes, but he seemed to want space, and that’s fine. I wanted us to think about how to handle it since we’ve both grown our channel together and we want to keep growing. I really enjoyed sitting with him, talking through what we were feeling. He was attractive, not dismissing my feelings – wearing his emotions looks good on him. There’s a bell that says, “Ring For Sex,” on our coffee table that I couldn’t stop staring at. It would’ve been so hot if I rang it and we did it, but it wouldn’t have been good for me. Also, I’m realizing now he could’ve rejected me. Maybe he’d have wanted that. Maybe turning me down would make him feel good. I told him I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t say to make the situation easier for him, but the last five years have been really good – that I would really miss him, and that I was lucky to have had him. He didn’t want to end the conversation on a sad note because then he’d be thinking about it all day, so he asked if we could hug or something. I missed being in his arms. It felt so good to be held by him and to lean into his chest. He held onto me, and I had to let him go. Before, Joffrey wanted me to get angry. Now, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him. He acts like this is all my fault – that I don’t have to end it. That I’m giving up and he’s really trying and that’s b******t. I’ve been really trying for years. I’ve been his dream girl and he’s put me through s**t: he’s invalidated my feelings on repeat, ignored my pleas for couples therapy and better communication, the gaslighting, the lack of compassion for me, and unwillingness to go out with me to do the things that I love, being embarrassed of me in public, not using my name because it’s too long. I swear, it’s a requirement now that a guy must be able to handle two syllables! Joffrey wouldn’t even call me by my nickname because I wasn’t that to him. I was, “Hey,” or, “Girl,” or, “Babe.” I miss my name. I didn’t want to have to break up! I wanted to marry him! Do you know why you were so afraid of me breaking up with you? It’s because you knew you were being a s****y boyfriend and you did nothing about it. Instead of confiding in me and being willing to go to therapy to work on yourself, you made me feel like s**t! Did that make you feel better? Still, you don’t understand what you’ve done to me – it’s all been about you. You broke my heart when you lacked compassion for me – you didn’t really love me and you broke my heart while I carried yours. I gave you your heart back because I had to go and mend mine and you blamed me for it. You don’t get to act like I didn’t love you enough to stay! I loved you the most! And I’m always going to love you because that’s who I am. I’ve always been completely open to you. But I am mad, I am so angry because you’ll blame me and move on. To you, we will have been for nothing. But to me, you’ll always be my Joffrey – the one I wanted who made me disappear. Katy and I had our nails painted red, then we went to a cute LA-esque restaurant where we sat on their back patio, illuminated by candles and Christmas lights. When we got home, she tried on all my clothes for her work photo shoot tomorrow. Joffrey told me he’d be moving into Connell’s on Saturday. That’s so soon… I didn’t expect him to be gone so fast. I’m not ready. I wanted to be on my own, but that’s now. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I feel like I can’t hop off this train that’s already in motion – I have to see where it goes. It’s just departing too fast. I almost asked Joffrey if he’d still want to see me, but I couldn’t. Instead, I told him we’re not dying. We’re still us, it’ll just be different. I felt like I shouldn’t call him since I’m ending it, but if he ever needed me, I’d be there. Am I a psycho to think break-up sex would be hot? But I know that would be bad for me. Though if we do work on ourselves and fall back in love, if we can’t live without each other, being together again for the first time… I can’t worry about the future. I can only trust what I feel now. Joffrey teared up and said he was really gonna miss us – me and Penny. I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears. How I wish it could’ve been different. How I hope we’ll both be good. We stood there in the living room, drowning in these feelings of love and loss, for the first time, unable to lean on one another. I wished I could pull him in, but I was thankful to be parting in such sweet sorrow. We both know we really love each other. We share our grief. I will miss Joffrey Barf, who despite all of these flaws, loved me so well. Mrs. Barf felt so right. But I am my own dream girl. And my dream girl knows the life she deserves and trusts her gut, even if it breaks her heart. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    11 min

  4. 07/23/2025

    Chapter 18 - It Feels Good

    Wednesday, November 10th, 2021 I called the Employee Assistance Program to set a separate therapy appointment for myself with someone I could see in person. They said because I arranged the couples therapy, it was under my authorization, and that therapist would have to call in for me to do individual sessions with them, but since I don’t want to go to her, I’d have to unauthorize that therapist in order to get another one. I had to choose between myself and my relationship. I told the girl on the phone I was on the fence about the couples therapist – she encouraged me to trust my instincts and to choose myself. It feels good. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    1 min

  5. 07/22/2025

    Chapter 17 - When He Has Potential

    Tuesday, November 9th, 2021 I’m nervous for our couples therapy appointment today. I’m scared the therapist will tell us it can work, or that this is common – that I just can’t handle being called insane, idiotic, crazy, dramatic, fine… But I know that’s not realistic. I was clear about wanting to break up when filling out the paperwork. I wonder what Joffrey said. I wonder what he will say. We jumped onto the video conference before the therapist. He got a notebook and brought notes to the meeting. I appreciated that. The therapist was confused as to why we were in therapy if I wanted to break up. I wanted him to understand why it was happening and to work on a breakup plan – to have help navigating splitting up while being together. I told her how I felt and how we got here. Joffrey still believed it was only because of our Dune argument – she didn’t address the gaslighting. Joffrey brought up how recently, I’d ignored his insecurity about him not wanting to dance at the wedding. He didn’t like how I’d danced with his friend Jamie. He never told me that. Before the wedding, I explained that I wanted to dance that night and I wanted to dance with him; if he didn’t want to it was okay, but I still wanted to have fun, and dance with other people because I enjoy dancing. When it started, I wanted to help the bride get people on the dance floor. I looked at Joffrey, and he didn’t want to, so I asked Jamie. He said he didn’t bring it up with me because I weaponize his insecurities and bring things up again later. I told him I wished he’d told me he was upset about that. He says I don’t respond well when he has an issue with me – I said it depends on how you communicate it. It felt like the therapist was more focused on me communicating better with him. I voiced that it’s often up to me to communicate – she said it should be 50/50. When I told this to my mom, she remarked that it should be 100/100. It just felt like I needed to do more to communicate better so he’d understand. The therapist asked if I were familiar with “I feel” statements and when I said yes she said maybe I’m not using them right because he shouldn’t be able to argue against those. I told her I often do what he wants and how that’s not reciprocated – she told me that was unhealthy of me. She asked us both to not jump to any conclusions or rush into any big decisions and to not talk about splitting up until our next session with her in a week. She said she sees a lot of potential with us. Does she just not know everything or should I still try to make it work? I don’t know if I want that. She told me to journal differently. She wanted us both to journal in short sentences – statements, and then express how we feel about them. Joffrey admitted that what I said was right, that he got angry, but apologized. His account of what happened made it seem like I didn’t try to communicate with him and instead just ignored him. He knows he needs to learn how to communicate and says that he’s willing to. And I believe him. I just… I don’t know if I have faith that it will get better. And even so, do I want to keep trying? I still feel hurt and the need to be on my own. I’m exhausted from trying. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    4 min

  6. 07/22/2025

    Chapter 16 - Queens

    Monday, November 8th, 2021 I went into work today. I look cute. I’ve lost weight – I have to keep eating. I went to get a smoothie and some girls had a cute boutique on the street. I just filled out the forms for our first couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I had to mark if I was single or in a relationship and rate my happiness in our relationship on a scale from 1 to 10. It was hard. The girls had a cute necklace for sale on a table with a “Q” on it – they said it stood for Queen. I liked it and wanted to help them out, but they said it was $40 and I started panicking about the $1,200 rent I’d have to start paying on my own. I broke down and one of the girls hugged me and told me I had this. A stranger was so kind to me today. Tara came into the office today as well. She asked me how I was and I admitted that I wasn’t doing too well. I told her I’d be open to chatting, but I needed a minute. She kept checking in on me until I was ready to talk. She said she couldn’t help it – she’s a mom. I met her in a conference room and told her about what was going on. She asked if she could hug me and I said yes. She said it’s so tough, but not worth sacrificing your own self-worth. She told me she went through something with a friend and her mom told her, you’re going to grieve because you’re losing something, but you’re also opening yourself up for so much more and that’s exciting. She repeated that I’m not alone and that I can talk to her anytime – she wanted to make sure I knew that. She encouraged me to reach out to my other boss, Jess, who is a lawyer about our YouTube channel. Jess is a great person. Tara told me to make a plan, maybe with the therapist, for him to leave. I’m so lucky to have all of these amazing women in my life. Making a vow to myself to always prioritize myself – I am my one true love, and value my relationships with other women above all else. There’s a line in season three of YOU, “If there’s ever, even for a fleeting moment, a tiny voice in your head. And that tiny voice is telling you, I deserve better. Listen to her. That’s your partner.” I just made that my lock screen. Not to go back to talking about boys, but I hit it off on Tinder with the guy who writes the commercials for a major fast food joint! He’s funny. I’m funny. He wanted to get a couple of dates in with me before he goes home to see his family this week to work on his own material. I told him my old roommate is coming to stay with me, but we should go out when he’s back in December. That’s good timing. Oh, Tara said that she thought publishing my journal was a really good idea – that it could help other women. She had a friend who was given two years to live, nine years ago. She started a blog where she wrote letters to her young son and talked about what she was going through. It’s becoming a book. Before Tara left she stopped by my desk and told me that I’m extremely talented, on and off screen. That my work is amazing, and to not let anyone tell me otherwise. I told her I looked forward to seeing her more. She said to stay strong, “Girl power!” Joffrey came into the room to change his shirt and grab his charger. He knocked. He’s going to Connell’s tonight. The photo of us from graduation is flipped back up on our shelf. He was pleasant. Said he would take the couples therapy call tomorrow from work and try to be gone as much as possible. He said he’d see me tomorrow at four. Our whiteboard with all of our production plans was wiped clean. I went to play softball for The Best Singer tonight. We did really well! Lost 15 to 24. Usually, we only get a couple of points. It was an exciting game! I made it home! I scored! A few people asked about Joffrey. I didn’t say anything about our breakup. I wanted a break from talking about it. I guess I’m also waiting until after therapy to officially change my relationship status. I got home and started a movie called How To Be Single. While watching, I remembered being in San Francisco for Joffrey’s birthday this year. I was so cold and asked for his jacket, which he’d said he didn’t need, but he told me I was fine. I was shivering and he wouldn’t give me his jacket. Later he said he thought I was joking, but he still wouldn't give it to me. I was upset that he didn't want to take care of me. Why was that even a thing? Eventually, he put his jacket on me, but just to end the argument – I wanted him to care. I took Penny out for the night and started crying again – the painful, moaning kind. I’m losing the person I love. I really, really love him. Even with all of this. I’m really going to miss Joffrey. But I still feel like I have to do this for myself. How did we get here? Why am I doing this? Why can’t he just open up, communicate, and have compassion for me? Why does he have to shoot me down all the time? Why doesn’t he get it? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose myself. Penny is waiting for Joffrey on the bed, staring at the door. I am at the sink, just holding my mouthwash because I can’t stop sobbing for long enough to function. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    6 min

  7. 07/22/2025

    Chapter 15 - I'm Single

    Wednesday, November 7th, 2021 Penny and I are watching Catherine’s riding lesson. It’s beautiful outside and I am happy. It’s peaceful. I love horses and I love writing while watching my friend. On the way to Catherine’s place I thought more about how I would do anything and everything to make Joffrey happy, but trying to get him to do something for me was a battle, and I was always on the wrong side. The drive into LA through the mountains with the windows rolled down and the heat on, just me and Penny, enjoying the air... Catherine and I went to a tasty seafood spot in Malibu. She confirmed that what was going on wasn’t okay. She opened up about some stuff in her life, and I told her about our Employee Assistance Program. I hope her partner will go to therapy with her. I’m tired of guys not appreciating their amazing girlfriends! If your partner wants to go to therapy with you, you do it because you love them. But usually, we’re not even asking for that – it’s smaller; it’s going to the world's largest inflatable bounce park, going sledding, or having a picnic. If she wants that, make her happy, because you love her and you want to see her smile! Catherine and I went shopping at a place called Hidden Treasures and we tried on clothes. We both really enjoyed spending time with each other. She likes to roll the windows down in the winter with the heat on too! I think we’re both looking for friends. She enjoyed having her feelings validated as well – it’s nice to know you’re not crazy. We went back to her place and played We’re Not Really Strangers in the hot tub. One of the questions I asked her was, “What is something you wish I knew?” She said my worth. That I’m so bubbly and sweet – that I have a positive outlook on life and people. I’m hot and can get any guy I want – I’m amazing. I do know this, but I guess I haven't always believed it. Since childhood, I’ve felt that way – I know I’m great, but there’s always that seed of doubt. We watched a couple of episodes of Dollface, and then I went to leave but started crying. Oh, I blocked Joffrey on Instagram and was afraid of falling into my pain when I got home. She took me to Tender Greens to make sure I ate. She asked if I’d ever been to the Hollywood Sign. I told her about how I tried to take Joffrey to the old Bat Cave when we moved here because he loves Batman. It was supposed to be a 3/4 mile round trip hike, but it was our first hike, and I got lost. We accidentally took the longest trail to the back of the Hollywood sign – seven miles round-trip. We were not prepared. I’d just had Porto's cheese rolls. We were rounding the corner to the sign and I thought, “Wouldn't it be bad if I had to go to the bathroom right now? You think there are restrooms up there?” There weren’t. We got up there, took a quick picture, and then ran to find somewhat of a private space. There were so many tourists and so few places to hide. Joffrey asked if it could wait. Nope! He held my hand as I s**t off the side of the mountain onto the Hollywood Sign, and then we skedaddled. That’s why I think The Hollywood Sign is s****y. I wanted to cry out of embarrassment, but Joffrey made me laugh. When I said that, I started to cry in Tender Greens. Catherine gave me a hug and rubbed my arm, but that makes me motion sick, when someone does motions while I eat, so she held my hand instead. When I think of the good moments, I question everything I’m doing. Catherine commented, “But you trust yourself to make the right decision.” I don’t. I don’t trust myself. I’m being told that I’m fine when I’m not, that it’s not a big deal when I’m upset, that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do. I lost that trust in myself. And that’s when it starts to feel serious when I realize that – that I have been emotionally abused. Now at home, I’m not broken down or crying – Joffrey is downstairs playing video games with Voldemort and I am calm, figuring out my s**t. I’ve been listening to a lot of Lizzie Hilary Duff – “Come Clean,” “So Yesterday,” and “Why Not” to get myself through this breakup. I’ve been so afraid of being alone in LA without anyone here who loves me, but on the drive home something clicked – I chose to move out to LA and I was going to with or without Joffrey. I wanted to live here, and if it were just me moving out here on my own now, I’d be set. I have an amazing townhouse, so many friends, and I make videos! People want to make things with me! They think I’m cool, and I am. I am an amazing friend and I’m a fun person to be around – they’ll want to hang out with me. And if they don’t invite me out – no, they will! Plus, I’m amazing at getting everyone together and throwing parties. People are going to love me now that I’m open to the world. I’m going to be going out with guys for fun, and the guys in my life are going to try to pin me down – they won’t be able to! But I will be open to love again eventually. Some guy will come along who meets my incredibly high standards, who I’ll really, really like and have a crush on. And it’ll be good. I’ll have my friends, and me again, and eventually someone better, much better, like my dad… Felt weird saying that, but with a good, compassionate, true love. I’ll have a family, but I can’t even think about that yet. The entire time I dated Joffrey I never cheated on him – not even in my dreams. I wanted to in my dreams, but even there it never happened; I loved Joffrey too much, even in my sleep. When Amy and Harley told me I should download Tinder, I did the next morning and a lot of guys, hot guys, really wanna take me out. I think if I do actually decide to go out on a date, I’d call them and tell them -- “So you want to go out? Can I tell you what I want and if you’re not interested, you can just say you’re looking for something else, and we can part ways? I want you to take me to do something fun, and pay for the date because I’m trying to save money. And I don’t want you to make a move on me. I just wanna have a good time, and if I like you, I’ll let you know, but otherwise, we’ll just have had a good time.” I think that could actually work. It feels a bit selfish, asking them to pay, but I also want to practice being selfish. Maybe I won’t call, but just expect this – feel it out before going, and no matter what, prioritize me. That night with Amy, Wade, and Harley – they made me realize I’m single. I had a sex dream, finally! I actually did it with Connell. Right after, he left which made me sad. But I was okay. I’m excited to feel like a f*****g rockstar again. I want to have a breakup slumber party for when Joffrey leaves. Make it a celebration. It’ll be themed and maybe we’ll make a short film as the activity. Catherine offered to help me organize. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

    8 min

  8. 07/22/2025

    Chapter 14 - I Am His Rock

    Saturday, November 6th, 2021 I didn’t pack a bag because I thought I’d be back home – that there wouldn’t be anyone. Amy told me to come over. I brought my tiny backpack so I could have my journal. I was worried they’d think it was dumb – they didn’t. When I arrived, Amy just gave me the best hug and it felt so nice to be held. Wade and Harley were there too. Wade’s always been a great friend since college – really nice dude. And I’m excited to get to know Harley better. They offered me everything and I asked if we could just talk. We sat at the table and they listened. It felt like a divorce – it was hard breaking up and still living together. I told them everything and they assured me I wasn’t insane and that the way he’s communicated isn’t okay. That I should have someone who loves that I clap at the end of movies because I think it’s funny. Amy also just got out of a year-long relationship a few months ago – her ex overdosed on Xanax. Harley had experience getting out of a three-year relationship where they’d lived together. She recommended unfollowing him and to just start swiping immediately to know people are interested. It was nice to get permission. I was uncertain about it. She wanted to be my wing woman. We took a Lyft to a bar and I broke down again when I realized we’d never finished The Walking Dead video game – we’d been saving it. Harley held my hand the whole way. I told them I was scared of being alone and needed people to ask me out to do things. Wade is going to follow up today about going to Six Flags tomorrow. They said they love me. At the bar, everyone was so young and friendly. I felt like I was discovering female friendship again. The women were all so kind. One, a stranger, bought me a drink and told me I was beautiful. She gave me a pep talk. She tried to steal me from Wade at one point, and they both held onto me like tug-of-war. She got very drunk and was touching me a little too much, but I felt special. She opened up and also had a lot going on. Everyone’s just doing their best. Amy let me stay the night, shower, borrow pajamas, and sleep with her in her bed. I’m lucky to be her friend. When Joffrey and I lived together in New York, we saw Coco. I’ve lost so many family members, so when the movie ended I was a mess. I needed to stay sitting – it was hard to walk out of the theater. Joffrey got upset at me. I think crying is a beautiful thing and if you need to be open with your emotions in public, it’s okay to take a minute and let the world see you. No one should make you feel bad for that. People want to help. A few years ago, we went to his friend's house which I’d never been to. There were a lot of people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to have to sleep on the floor in my clothes – no toothbrush, but Joffrey wouldn’t take me home. Someone spilled a drink on me. I left and hid in a safe space in the hall to have a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was at the time. Some girls gave Joffrey a hard time for not coming to find me – he didn’t like that and blamed me. Portia let me take her bed. He made me feel bad about that and was mad the next day. He started to take credit for my jokes – like in the escape room when I was like, “Surely someone will tell us if we’re not supposed to stick a fork in the outlet…” He retold that story over and over again as if he’d said it. I eventually asked him if he knew it was me. There was something else too, but I can’t remember. I didn’t call him out on it for a while because when Rita complimented how great he did at making a video for Cappie, I chimed in, “I produced it too!” He was upset that I’d said that. “Why would you say that? I don’t do that when people are complimenting you.” But I just wanted her to see us as a team. When we’re in the car together, I don’t get to listen to Broadway or country music, but I listen to his rock. I am his rock. He doesn’t try to get along with my family. Recently, I asked him to be there with me while I called my mom to video chat. We haven’t talked in a while, and I was nervous about it. He wouldn’t. I’ve always done everything he’s asked of me. Why wouldn’t I? I loved him. Loved. I love his whole family and all of his friends, but I’ve never seen him try to get close with my brother and Kate. He doesn’t really like helping me – me, so grossed out by bugs, makes me pick up the fly – tells me I need to learn things. Gets mad when I volunteer his help to others when I know he could easily do something to really help someone and it would be fun to do together. I get where he’s coming from, and I stopped doing that. He didn’t want to take the Merry-Kiss-Mas photo with me – he so often refuses to do simple things that’d make me really happy. I’ve been sitting in my car for maybe an hour now, not wanting to go inside. Joffrey must’ve been checking my location because he came out to talk. I was crying. He said that I’ve always been and still am his dream girl, but he knows he hasn’t been my dream boy. He said he worked really hard on his therapy form, and that if there’s any chance for us, he’ll do better. I told him I was really going to miss him. He said he thought if it ended that we’d be so unhappy for a while. That it wouldn’t be this sudden. He was surprised it was us, “So many of our couple friends are worse.” I told him it was really hard with him here, and I needed him to find a place. That it would be easier if I could take the bed and he could take the couch or try to be gone as much as possible. I asked him to let Katy and I sleep in the bed when she comes. He agreed. I told him it would be easier if we could create that space and not be cold to each other when we do see each other – to know we really love each other but need to move on. He said he knows what it’s like to need change in your life, and he’s so glad the pandemic hit and he didn’t move home and break up with me. I told him that I had to figure out something to do tonight and that I’d said everything to him that I needed him to hear. That I needed him to stop telling me how I feel, because it’s not the same – I’m not just complacent, looking for change, and by saying so he’s not helping, he’s hurting. That I can’t make him understand, and that therapy will help him understand why it’s ending. I told him I was scared he’d be angry at me again later since I didn’t go along with what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t. The rehearsal for the short film I was cast in went really well. They said they were so glad I joined Backstage and they found me. They thought I was very talented. I liked them. I found out Kate gave Stefan the ring back. They just moved in together. My dad didn’t believe him – the odds of his two kids going through a major breakup at the same time! I told Stefan we should plan a trip. He said he’d have time off in January and asked if I had my passport. I’d love to see the world with my brother. He’s so cool and I think sibling bonding time would be good for us. Too bad he’s in Texas. I told my property managers (we’re good friends). Gavin called and immediately asked what happened. I gave him the brief version. Gavin told me he and Dinesh have their fights and communication is a big thing. He thought we were so happy and encouraged me to make it work. I thought that was inappropriate, but I understood why he said it. I told him it was good and needed to happen. He offered me their place. That was kind. I was in my car for almost three hours. I haven’t eaten all day. I’m finally inside making a pizza. Joffrey said he would sleep in Voldemort’s room tonight, so I don’t have to worry about him. That he’ll be gone all day tomorrow and will go to Connell’s on Monday. When I came in he asked if I wanted the upstairs or downstairs. I liked that he was considerate of my feelings. He said if I wanted to talk, if it would bring me clarity, that he’d be open to it and he wouldn’t be mad. I so badly want to lean on him and have everything be okay. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t think it will be. Samantha came to pick me up and took me to see Eternals. I told her how scared I was that I’d have no one to lean on, but people had been there for me. She told me I needed to learn to be okay by myself and to get comfortable with being alone. This rubbed me a little wrong. But I wanted to recognize that her opinion may have more to do with her than me and separate it from becoming my truth – I needed to explore how I felt about that. Only I know how bad I was hurting today. She didn’t see me, barely capable of moving my body to cook a pizza. She didn’t hear my cries that sounded more like moans. I did the right thing by reaching out for a friend. She told me I needed to get better at asking people out. I have been. She acts like she knows everything, and maybe she does – there’s truth in what she’s saying, but I wish she would have listened and empathized more rather than telling me another thing I need to fix about myself. I know! I’m going to therapy. I want to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, not just people who take care of me. I’ve been hesitant to call Samantha because I can’t deal with the trauma of her rejection from when our friendship ended on top of my break up. I’m trying to let that go. But she just stopped being my friend. She said we were soulmates and then avoided me with no explanation. I had nightmares she hated me. When I told her it’s confusing how Joffrey has been apologetic, then angry on repeat and now he wants me back again, she said that’s what manipulative people do. When I told her he thought I was just looking for change in my life like he was she said, “Of course – because it’s all about him!” I am excited to get myself back,

    13 min
See All (23)

About

A woman ends her five year relationship after realizing she's been gaslit and she gets her f*cking life back 💃 myfictionaldiary.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Me, Anonymously
  • Years Active
    2K
  • Episodes
    23
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © My Fictional Diary
  • Show Website
    My Fictional Diary