Hi, I'm Sheila Kay Chester, and I'm excited to welcome you to the Racing Grace podcast. As a mother of three, I do not know what I am doing. I know firsthand the joys and challenges that come with raising Children in today's world. But I don't know if I'm doing it the right way on this podcast. I sit down with parents and professionals of all walks of life to talk about everything from the latest parenting trends to navigating difficult situations with our kids. We'll cover it all from the highs to the lows and provide you with valuable insights and maybe even some advice that would work for you and your own family. So whether you're a new parent, a seasoned veteran or just someone interested in learning more. Join me on the Raising Grace podcast. Hey, all in this episode, we will hear from Cheryl Barker. Cheryl is a foster and adoptive parent who has dedicated her life to helping Children in need of stability and care from overcoming personal health challenges while taking care of her special needs Children to navigating the complexities of the foster care system. Cheryl has experienced it all along the way. She has learned valuable lessons about giving herself grace while supporting the emotional needs of the Children in her care. Join us as Cheryl shares her inspiring journey and provides insights into the realities of the foster care system. Oh, who is your family that you live with? Who are the people that you consider your family? Oh, ok. Uh I'm a single parent of three adopted kids, three long term kids and I took guardianship of three. And then I also have, uh, former foster kids that be back into my life and need a leg up. And so I'm trying to be there for them too. So right now it's just currently, Shane is 24. Soon to be 25. Tyler just turned 16 in November. He lives here and I have a 17 year old adopted son. He has been in treatment for three years and he graduated from high school January and he's going to start job Corp next month. That's great. Congratulations, mom. You did it. So you, the reason I wanted to interview you is because you have, I remember when you started to foster kids and that wasn't a thing that a lot of people did in our, in our small town so that you were the one that kind of taught me about adoption because I didn't know what that was before. Oh, yes. So how, when did you start adopting and why, or fostering? And why did you start doing that. Ok, I started, uh, well, I first started teaching down on the reservation and 19 89 1 of my students was being abused. So I had called social services and they came and interviewed her and after they were done interviewing the social worker came in and said, ok, we just need to fill out this paperwork and da da da and I'm like, what, what, what are you, what, wait, wait, what, what are you talking about? And she says, well, so, and so said she's gonna come live with you and I'm like, uh, that, that can't happen. Um, she can't come live with me. I, I'm making $800 a month wages and my propane bill is $400 wages. And I still have to call my parents to help me out in between because I'm living in this rickety old trailer house that sucks up the gas bills. And so anyway, she was very, very bummed. So then I got out of the reservation and moved to my hometown and I said, well, I've always wanted to be mother of lots of Children. And if I wasn't an, a parent by 30 I was going to foster. Well, then the end of July, I had one girl for approximately a week from out of town and then August 12th, 1993 I get a phone call. I take a brother and sister and I'm like, sure I can do this and I was working down at Nelson's as a summertime evening cook and the social worker showed up with these two kids and my mouth, I'm sure I kept stepping on it because my mouth just dropped open and I'm like, what did I do this time? So I'm like, ok, ok, so I got these two very, not real clean kids and they gave me these biggest hugs and these very thick, thick glasses. And the first thing Conrad said, are you going to be my new mom? I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa I said you're gonna stay with me for a while. Well, can I call you mom? I said, no, you can't call me mom. You can call me Cheryl. So the next week their attorney came and interviewed them and there she was getting ready to leave and she asked the kids, do you, do you have any questions? And Conrad beeped up and said, yes, can I call her mom now? And the social worker says, well, I don't see why not. I said, well, this is supposed to be a short term thing. And uh she said, well, I don't think it, it matters if, if you're comfortable with it. And I'm like, ok, so that was 30 years ago and he's still calling me mom. I remember Conrad. He was so he was one of your first placements. Yeah, Conrad and Autumn. Ok. I have Shannon for like five days, but that was just kind of a fun thing because our family was from Kansas and they got in some trouble at Custer State Park and she came with clothes and so a little bit of trauma, but it was very short term. 55 days, nothing prepared me for what I was getting into. But how, how can you prepare as a foster parent? You have to keep an open mind. I have a one of my counselors said, the biggest thing is Cheryl. If you can think of your heart like a vase and it gets shattered and somebody puts it back together with a glue that it's just all that much bigger so you can receive them again. And you just have to think of, I'm gonna cry. Sorry for today. I'm going to give them everything I possibly can to maybe make another brick in their foundation of life and then you wake up the next day and you're gifted another day. So you try to do everything you possibly can fit in that day that maybe will make their life a little bit better. And you just hope and pray. And a lot of times I, you know, being from the adoption world, the question that a lot of adoptive families have and a lot of families have is how do you take these kids in, fall in love with them and give them back to their family? And I have some ideas on how you can do that, but I've never done it before. So you tell me, how do you do that? The man upstairs, when I get the phone calls, I would always pray and I've turned down some because I just felt like it was not a good match even though I hadn't met the kid. So when, when God would say, yeah, this is one that I'm like, I know he has a plan and I don't know what the plan is, but we're gonna go for it and it, it you can't really plan for the separation. It, it shatters your heart and it breaks it. But I go back to that mental image my counselor gave me as your heart's just a little bit bigger so you could do it again. So and there's, there's lots and lots and lots of blessings and in fostering these kids, it's not a a give give give. It's definitely give take, they give back to you. What are some of the lessons that you have learned from Children in traumatic situations which is all Children that come to you have are coming from traumatic situations, right? My first lesson I used to joke with, with Conrad. I used to pray for patience and God delivered me Conrad. Oh yeah, I've prayed for patience before Cheryl. Not recommended. No, no, no. And Conrad and I can still laugh about it today. This child helped me learn patience. This child was so laid back. I swear to God. He walked horizontally. Sometimes I'm like, Conrad, you gotta move. The buzzards are circling overhead, let them know you're still alive. And he would say mom, you prayed for patience and you got me and he has a sense of humor. Yes, he does. He does. So, uh patience and the other thing I learned from kids is you have to love unconditionally and sometimes the housework isn't that important. You know. So you have a, a pile of dirty laundry that is waiting there screaming at you to get done. But the child needs you to just sit in their lap and rock them and cry with them. You have to take those moments and love unconditionally and let the housework sit. Yeah. No matter what, even though it goes against everything in your living being. Right. And you've gotta create memories, positive memories, positive memories for them to go home with. Yes. Right. And um some of our craziest memories, I'd say, hey, who's up for making a crazy memory? You know, and they'd get all excited and it'd be below zero and we're, we're dressed in multiple layers and we're sitting out watching a, a solar eclipse or something. And that 30 below zero, you know, so make positive memories, make sure, make sure you're there for them if you can be um emotionally, not just physically. Right. Right. I've had kids. Well, one just lived with me for the last year. He, he went into treatment, but I hadn't had him since he was four years old, but I kind of kept in touch with the adopted family and kind of kept in touch with him. And he got a hold of me a couple of years ago and said I'm not doing well. I, I wanna change. Can, can I come? And I'm like, there's some rules and he agreed to the rules and I said, well, let's do it, you know. So they, they still remember that security even though it's 20 years later. Wow, that's really huge. That a child, I mean, those childhood memories, it's what I've found. I look back at my childhood and it is as a mother, I know my kids are gonna have this nostalgia like I have growing up. But as a mother, I'm like, this is just regular life. This isn't. But when you're a child, the way you see things is in a dreamlike state and if it's negative, it is much bigger than what, worse than what it is. And if it's positive, it's much better than what it is. It's just this dreamlike state of childhood that you look back on and to have that space of positiveness where you are, what you're giving them those really crazy fun memories. That's something that is gonna turn into this hopefully big bubble of positiveness that'll explode all those negatives away. I hope so. I hope I had uh three out of the family of four have c
