Real Confidence

Alyssa Dver
  • 5.0 (5)
  • Self-Improvement
  • Updated Biweekly

Real confidence isn't situational or temporary. It's a learned skill that anyone can master at any time. Join host Alyssa Dver, CEO of The American Confidence Institute, 7-time author, 2-time TEDx and empowering keynote speaker as she demystifies the science and social secrets that strengthen and protect our most valuable asset. Learn specifically how to productively deal with difficult family, de-energizing friends, bully bosses, plus other confidence villains and kryptonite. Empower yourself and everyone you care about with more, real confidence.

  1. 4d ago

    EP 139: Real Confidence- Stop Telling Us to Be Resilient

    There, I said it. We toss “resilience” around like it’s some kind of emotional superpower: life punches you in the face, you dust yourself off, keep going and congratulations, you’re resilient.  I don’t buy it. Sometimes “being resilient” sounds suspiciously like “suck it up and don’t let this affect you,” and frankly, that’s terrible advice. Because things are going to affect you. A layoff. Losing someone you love. Getting sick. A relationship blowing up. Even the smaller stuff that leaves you lying awake thinking, “Okay, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Your brain is going to react. That’s what brains do. The interesting question is what happens after that first reaction. Do you hide until the scary thing passes or do you actually get your brain involved? And this is where intelligence gets pulled into the conversation, because I think we’ve been defining that wrong, too. I don’t care how many facts you can cram into your head if you can’t figure out what to do when the facts change. Google knows more facts than any of us. AI can spit out an answer before I’ve finished typing the question. So maybe intelligence today has a lot more to do with knowing what to ask, figuring out what matters and being resourceful enough to find your way through something you’ve never dealt with before. Which, by the way, is where confidence takes center stage. Confidence matters when you’re standing in the middle of a situation you didn’t choose and deciding what the hell you’re going to do next. You need enough clarity to figure out what’s actually wrong, enough flexibility to see what might have changed and enough resourcefulness to find a way forward. You don’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt. You have to learn from what happened instead of just wearing it like a badge of honor. And I think that’s a much more useful way to think about resilience. Not “Look at me, nothing gets to me!” Please. I am a human being. Things get to me. The goal is to come through the hard stuff knowing more, seeing more clearly and being better prepared for whatever comes next. That’s a very different kind of strength and it has a hell of a lot more to do with confidence than simply gritting your teeth and getting through it. If you’ve ever been told to “be more resilient” and wanted to scream, but I don’t want to? this one is for you.

    EP 139: Real Confidence- Stop Telling Us to Be Resilient

  2. Aug 2

    Ep 138: Real Confidence- The Confidence to Hold Your Ground

    There are few things more frustrating than feeling unheard. Not disagreed with—I can handle disagreement. I'm talking about when someone has already decided you're wrong before you've even finished your sentence. They interrupt you, dismiss you and they default "no." Before you know it, you’re questioning whether your idea was any good in the first place. I've spent plenty of time wondering if I just needed a better argument against these naysayers. Maybe if I had better data to prove my case, better timing or I’d phrased my position differently they’d actually see what I was trying to say. When I sat down to do this episode with Jackie Roby, she challenged me on that when we stopped talking about how to change someone else's mind and started talking about what happens inside our minds the moment we’re met with resistance.  Why does pushback feel so personal? Why does one dismissive comment make us want to shrink, defend ourselves or stop contributing altogether? And why do so many smart, capable people carry around conversations that should have been over hours ago? One thing Jackie said has been rattling around in my head ever since we recorded this: people don't change when they feel threatened. They change when they feel safe. That applies to the person you're trying to influence—but it also applies to you. If your nervous system is firing on all cylinders because someone challenged your idea, you're probably not showing up as the version of yourself you wanted in the first place. That's where confidence quietly changes the whole conversation. It isn't about winning the argument or having the perfect comeback but about staying grounded enough to finish your thought, ask the next question, hold your boundaries and walk away knowing your voice still mattered, regardless of whether someone else agreed with you. A few moments from this conversation that stayed with me: Why resistance is often about the other person's need for certainty—not the quality of your idea. How to stop taking every disagreement as evidence that you don't belong in the room. The difference between trying to win someone over and creating the conditions where they're actually willing to listen. Why confidence sometimes looks remarkably ordinary: staying calm, staying curious and refusing to disappear. If you've ever replayed a conversation over and over and over or wondered why someone wouldn't even give your idea a chance—I think you'll find yourself somewhere in this episode. I certainly found myself in it. Jackie Roby helps ambitious leaders stop white-knuckling their way through success. As an executive leadership advisor and keynote speaker, she specializes in leadership development, workplace burnout, and creating emotionally healthier workplaces where people don't have to silence themselves to succeed. She chairs the Global Wellness Institute's Inclusive Wellness Initiative, co-authored the best-selling Confident You: The Raw Conversations, and founded The She Suite Connector, a vibrant networking community for women of color and allies.  Learn more about Jackie and her work at inspiredjourneyconsulting.com.

    Ep 138: Real Confidence- The Confidence to Hold Your Ground

  3. Jul 19

    EP 137: Real Confidence- That’s Not Confidence. That’s Something Else.

    Hey. I need to clear something up, because we keep doing this and I'm going to lovingly call us all out: we're using the word confidence to mean about 47 different things and most of them are wrong. We see someone dominate a conversation and think, "Wow, they're confident." Someone refuses to admit they made a mistake? "They must really believe in themselves." Someone walks into a room like they own the place? "I wish I had that kind of confidence." Nope. Nope. And nope. Here's the problem: when we don't understand what confidence actually is, we start comparing ourselves to the wrong people. We mistake arrogance for confidence. We assume overconfidence means someone's got it figured out. We wait for some magical feeling of certainty to show up before we let ourselves make a decision and all the while  our brains are over here writing a whole dramatic story that may have nothing to do with reality. (Thanks, brain. Super helpful.) This episode is a little confidence myth-busting, because the truth is way more useful than the version we've been sold. I'm going to walk you through what confidence actually runs on: knowing what information you have, knowing what matters to you and being willing to make a decision from there—even without 100 % certainty. And if you've ever wondered why someone who seems "confident" makes you question yourself, or why you can feel completely capable one day and second-guess everything the next, listen in. Because once you understand what confidence actually is, and what it definitely is not, you stop chasing the wrong thing.

    EP 137: Real Confidence- That’s Not Confidence. That’s Something Else.

  4. Jul 5

    EP 136: Real Confidence- Confidence Starts When the Judgment Stops

    Ever meet someone who somehow made you rethink something you've believed for years? That was Lisa Tahir for me. We sat down to talk about confidence - as you do for a podcast about confidence - and somewhere along the way we ended up talking about forgiveness, old wounds, the stories we tell ourselves and why some of us are still carrying around emotional baggage that should've been left curbside a long time ago. Not other people's baggage, by the way. Our own. Personally, I think a lot of us secretly believe that being tough on ourselves is a virtue. We think the criticism keeps us sharp and replaying our mistakes helps us grow. Worse, we think if we give ourselves a little grace that’s really just letting ourselves off the hook and when we do that, we'll somehow stop trying. But what if all that self-judgment is actually the thing standing between us and the confidence we believe “continual improvement” will give to us? There’s a lot to that idea and Lisa talks about it in terms of how we make sense to ourselves in the context of our life experiences. Because how many times have you looked at a habit, reaction, or pattern and thought, "What is wrong with me?" instead of asking, "Where did that come from?" Ouch.  We can’t be confident if we’re always fighting with ourselves.  And maybe that's why I loved this conversation so much. It's not about becoming more confident by doing more, achieving more, fixing more or proving more but what happens when you finally put down some of the things you've been carrying and realize you were never as broken as you thought. Highlights from our conversation: The difference between being honest with ourselves and being hard on ourselves The surprising connection between self-forgiveness and confidence Why we confuse self-awareness with self-judgment (and the toll it takes) How compassion for ourselves can change our relationships with everyone else Lisa Tahir is a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and coach known for blending psychology, energy-based modalities, and mindfulness to help clients build confidence and emotional clarity. She is the author of The Chiron Effect, endorsed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and hosts the podcast All Things Therapy. Learn more about Lisa and her work at nolatherapy.com.

    EP 136: Real Confidence- Confidence Starts When the Judgment Stops

  5. Jun 21

    EP 135: Real Confidence- Confidence Isn't Control

    The older I get, the more I realize how much energy I spend trying to control things that were never mine to control in the first place. Sometimes it's big things. The economy. My parents' health. Whether someone has the budget to say yes to a project. Sometimes it's ridiculously small things, like whether there will be a parking spot downtown or whether I've packed the exact right outfit for a two-day business trip. (Spoiler alert: I never have.) What fascinates me is how convincing our brains can be. They whisper that if we just gather a little more information, think a little harder, prepare a little better, then we'll finally be able to relax. But somehow the finish line keeps moving. There's always one more variable, one more possibility, one more thing we should have considered. Lately I've been wondering if that's why so many of us are exhausted. Not because life is necessarily harder than it's ever been, but because we're carrying around the impossible job of trying to predict and control outcomes that simply can't be predicted or controlled.  Because even when we have great information, we're still making our best guess. Even scientists, researchers, and financial experts know there's always a margin of error. Things happen. Circumstances change. Life gets a vote. And maybe that's the point. Confidence isn't the reward we get after we've eliminated uncertainty. Confidence is what allows us to move forward while uncertainty is still sitting right there beside us. Not because we're reckless or don’t care, but because we've learned to trust ourselves enough to handle whatever happens next. That realization has changed the way I think about decisions. Not perfectly, of course. I still overpack, I still overthink and I still occasionally convince myself that catastrophe is lurking around the corner. But I'm getting better at remembering that confidence isn't about controlling the future. It's about trusting yourself in it. If uncertainty has been stealing your confidence lately, listen in. This episode might just make your next decision feel a little lighter.

    EP 135: Real Confidence- Confidence Isn't Control

  6. Jun 7

    EP 134: Real Confidence- Fear of Abandonment vs. Real Confidence

    I get a ton of pitches from coaches, therapists, and experts but my guest for this episode stopped me cold: he works with anxious attachment, and he framed it in a way that made me think, this is about confidence too. So I invited him on the podcast. Trevor didn’t come to this work from some abstract theory. His life exploded first: a high-profile role at Tesla disappeared in a massive layoff. At almost the same time, a skiing accident left him with a broken jaw and the relationship he thought would last forever collapsed.  Professional confidence? Rock solid. Personal confidence? Shattered. Everything he thought he knew about himself and his relationships got thrown in the trash. From that wreckage, Trevor uncovered patterns most of us live with quietly—patterns that quietly sabotage confidence and decision-making. Anxious attachment is more than overthinking or fear of rejection. It’s the invisible force that keeps you clinging to situations that don’t serve you, doubting your worth, and letting fear run the show.  And you probably already figured this one out: awareness alone isn’t enough. Confidence doesn’t return by just knowing you have these patterns. It only grows when you actively rewire your emotional responses.When fear stops dictating your choices, confidence stops being fragile; it becomes reliable and actionable. This episode is messy, honest and deeply human, and it’s about more than relationships. It’s about how you show up, how you trust yourself and how you rebuild your confidence when life shoves you into the deep end. Highlights from our conversation: Why anxious attachment quietly sabotages confidence, and how it shows up in everyday life. How patterns from early experiences can echo decades later—and why you don’t have to be stuck in them. The surprising link between fear, attachment, and the choices that define your life. How structured emotional work can transform anxiety into grounded, actionable confidence. Why your next breakup, job setback, or personal meltdown could actually be a pivot toward real confidence. After a skiing accident left Trevor Hanson with a broken jaw, a toxic relationship ended and a corporate career at Tesla unraveled he immersed himself in the science of attachment, trained with some of the world’s leading experts, and earned his master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Today, Trevor helps people break free from anxious attachment, cultivate secure relationships, and build the confidence they deserve. Learn more about Trevor at theartofhealingbytrevor.com.

    EP 134: Real Confidence- Fear of Abandonment vs. Real Confidence

  7. May 24

    EP 133: Real Confidence- Chaos? Meet Confidence.

    So picture this: three broken heating systems, all at once, all different energy sources—propane, solar, oil—and one with a ticking oil tank disaster that could have exploded. Six thousand dollars later, and yeah, I was lucky. Sure, it could’ve been worse, but the frustration, the stress, the sheer ugh of it? That didn’t disappear. Stack ranking our misery can give us a helpful perspective but it doesn’t erase the suck.  And here’s the confidence lesson buried in that suck: life will throw chaos at you, no matter how prepared, no matter how smart, no matter how experienced. Confidence isn’t about avoiding that chaos—it’s about what you do once it hits. That’s what this episode is about. Feeling crappy? Fine. Have your pity party, but set a deadline on it. Then flip the switch. Take action. Make a plan. Call for help. Do the research. Even one small step toward control rewires your brain in that moment from panic to power.  That’s real confidence. Not the “I never mess up” fantasy—but the “I can handle this, and I’m going to take control” reality. So tune in and let’s explore why leaning into the suck actually builds confidence. How taking action, even when everything’s falling apart, tells your brain, “I’ve got this.” How gratitude for avoiding worse doesn’t erase the frustration—but acknowledging the suck and acting anyway? That’s a confidence superpower.  Then, the next time life throws a $6,000 oil tank, or a scary medical report,or just one of those gut-punch moments, you’ve already trained yourself to respond with clarity, calm, and courage.

    EP 133: Real Confidence- Chaos? Meet Confidence.

  8. May 10

    Ep 132: Real Confidence- From Quiet to Confident & Unstoppable

    Hey, fellow confidence Crusaders! I’m so excited to share this episode because I got to reconnect with my longtime friend and ACI-certified confidence coach, Annet van Duinen. We talked about her incredible transformation—and wow, the glow is real.  When we first met, she was quiet, thoughtful, and introverted. Today? She’s fully embraced her true self, radiating confidence in a way that’s both wild and sensitive—her term, wild sensitive. Annette’s journey started with her ACI confidence training, which flipped her perspective on how she sees herself. By exploring her traits as both a highly sensitive person (HSP) and a high sensation seeker (HSS), she discovered a unique superpower: she can process deeply and take bold action.  It’s not just about personality—it’s about harnessing who you truly are to live fully, make courageous choices, and show up authentically. We laughed, we got real, and we shared stories about the tough stuff: leaving a marriage, moving across the globe, and embracing traits society often mislabels as “too much” or “wrong.”  Annette’s story proves that understanding yourself—and giving yourself permission to be both sensitive and adventurous—is one of the most powerful confidence hacks out there. And the best part? She’s now helping others discover their own wild sensitive strengths and unlock the confidence they didn’t even know they had. Key Takeaways: What happens when a highly sensitive person meets their wild side. Why embracing your quirks can unlock unexpected confidence. The hidden strength in traits most people overlook. How embracing yourself changes the way you move through the world. The surprising way adventure and sensitivity can work together. Annet van Duinen has  over ten years of experience in personal and professional coaching, and work that centers on helping people understand their nervous system and learn to work with their sensitivity rather than against it. Feeling a kinship with Annet? You can learn more about her and her work at annetvanduinen.com.

    Ep 132: Real Confidence- From Quiet to Confident & Unstoppable
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Real confidence isn't situational or temporary. It's a learned skill that anyone can master at any time. Join host Alyssa Dver, CEO of The American Confidence Institute, 7-time author, 2-time TEDx and empowering keynote speaker as she demystifies the science and social secrets that strengthen and protect our most valuable asset. Learn specifically how to productively deal with difficult family, de-energizing friends, bully bosses, plus other confidence villains and kryptonite. Empower yourself and everyone you care about with more, real confidence.

Information

  • Creator
    Alyssa Dver
  • Years Active
    2021 - 2026
  • Episodes
    140
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2026 888054
  • Show Website
    Real Confidence