Special Thanks to Pamela Schacht for her striking original artwork @Pamschachtstudio (Description for the visually impaired: Canvas with crimson flowers that have fallen from sunkissed stems.) This may be the most important piece I’ve ever shared. It’s my hope that because the material is so relatable (we’ve all been betrayed or had our trust damaged) that it can help a great deal of people. The post is too long for email but you can click “view entire message” to see it all. This piece has been two years in the making. It’s on the long side so I’ve recorded it for you if you prefer to listen versus read. Please click on the triangle icon to hear this story. I respect your time and appreciate your engagement. Thank you so very much for being here with me. Buckle Up, Buttercup Throwing stones from glass houses leaves us all in shards of broken pieces. The idea of repair in conflict resolution is foreign to many people. They may not even know there’s an option that exists between going back to the way things were or cutting someone off completely. This is a show and tell about what repair, boundaries, and forgiveness look like in a relationship marred by damaged trust, taken from an excerpt of the full-length story entitled, “Pratfall from Grace.” Sage Words is a reader-supported publication. “I’m a paid subscriber because Sage Justice is an Inspiration and I want to support her continued work.” - L. E. Mastilock, author. Pratfall from Grace (excerpt) Sass and Daniel have history; they’ve known each other over half their lives. They even lived and worked with each other for a short time, many years ago. Throughout Daniel’s children’s lives, Sass was present for their sport games, artistic performances, birthday parties, illnesses, and other significant moments. In fact, Daniel and his wife asked Sass and her husband to be the legal guardians of their children, should anything ever happen to them. Sass took that role to heart and would have given her life for any one of those kids. When someone trusts you enough to leave their children in your care, you’d think they’d respect you enough to communicate with you openly, when there’s an issue, and not go behind your back. Open communication takes courage and character- the ability to remain in one’s own integrity even when personally uncomfortable. Sometimes, out of convenience to themselves, people move in disrespectful shadows; which is what Daniel did to Sass. When people get too comfortable in relationships (or too uncomfortable) they can take their loved ones for granted and damage trust. When that happens, they must offer repair. Sass confronted Daniel in search of understanding. The Confrontation Sass: Why didn’t you just come to me directly in good faith? The issue wasn’t that big of a deal. You damaged my trust in you. Why did you feel you had to go behind my back and try to get my husband to hide something from me? Daniel: Because I was scarred by a letter you wrote over 30 years ago. Sass was shocked and didn’t know if Daniel was joking or being serious. Sass: Are you kidding? Daniel: No. Sass: I’m sorry, she said, with a stifled laugh, are you seriously blaming your adult behavior in the present on something I did as a kid in the past? You’ve had over 30 years to talk to me about being “scarred,” and this is the first I’m hearing of it. Daniel: I’m just realizing it now. Sass: You’re just realizing now that you are “Scarred” from a letter you read over half your life ago? “Scarred” is a pretty serious word to use. Should I be worried about you? That sounds like a job for a therapist to help you process it. Daniel: I don’t need to process anything. I’m fine. Sass: Obviously, you are not “fine.” You broke my trust by saying one thing to my face and another behind my back the next day. It’s made me doubt your sincerity and question our entire history. All these years I chose to believe your words over your contradictory actions because you seem so sincere when you say things like, “I love you. I care about you. I miss you guys.” Yet, your actions have not demonstrated that. If you feel comfortable creating a secret text group, is there a secret email group too? Have you been lying all these years, pretending to love and care because it was easier than facing the uncomfortable truth that you don’t? I feel especially betrayed that you would try to get my husband to keep a secret from me. Is that the type of marriage you have, where you think it’s OK to keep secrets from your spouse? What the hell, Daniel? How to Repair “We mend our wounds by entering with a repair kit, not a shield and weapon. Accountability is the first step in repair.” Daniel: I’m sorry. Sass: I appreciate that, and I accept your apology; but I don’t trust you at your word anymore, only your actions. An apology alone doesn’t provide me with any reassurance that this won’t happen again. You can’t just say, “I’m sorry.” You need to offer repair. Daniel: What do you mean by repair? Sass: Repair is not the performative gesture of saying, “I’m sorry.” Repair is a change in behavior to fix what’s been broken, because “History unacknowledged is repeated.” Repair is what taking accountability for your behavior looks like. For example, if you hit someone’s car (intentionally or unintentionally), you’d take accountability by admitting what you did and paying for the repairs. When you hurt someone emotionally through lies, betrayal, or other harm (intentionally or unintentionally), you do the same. Repair is taking ownership for your own unresolved issues, judgements, and resentments that were used to justify disrespectful and hurtful behaviors. In this case, it might look like you saying, “I’m sorry I blamed my present disrespectful behavior toward you on something that happened over 30 years ago. If I had it to do over again, I would have worked through my past issues so that they were not coloring my present choices. I would have come to you directly instead of going behind your back. I would not have welcomed you to your face and then shut you out when you weren’t looking. I definitely would not have asked your husband to keep a secret from you.” If an apology gets to the point that it needs repair, you might want to send some apology flowers as well, just sayin’. Broken trust is a fault line where no one feels safe living. Even if the people involved no longer want to live there, the “you broke it, you fix it” rule still applies. Your inability to simply pick up the phone and talk to me directly and everything that followed after that has lead to trust so damaged that it’s broken apart an entire unit of people- no one in my household trusts you anymore. Without repair, this only gets worse. The longer you wait the more irreparable the damage becomes. Repair is not the act of mending a relationship that’s ended; it’s the act of mending the behavior that ended the relationship to avoid it from happening again with that person or another. What we fail to fix with the people we are at odds with now, we will likely repeat with the people we love the most in the future, like our children, in-laws, grandchildren, or partners. That’s because wherever we go, there we are, blaming others for our behavior instead of taking responsibility for our actions. As long as someone feels justified in blaming external circumstances for their behavior, they will continue to do so. Repair is the necessary action between an apology and the final stage of conflict resolution: choosing to reconcile a new “normal” or choosing to walk away. Repair creates moist ground where new seeds of healing can take place organically or a dry place to build a stone garden. Daniel: “I feel repair is not possible.” Full Stop! Sass was shocked and deeply saddened. In refusing to offer repair, Daniel was in effect putting the nail in the coffin of a 35-year-old relationship, not just with Sass, but with her husband and child as well. They all spent the next two years grieving a loss that didn’t have to be and learning how to navigate a new normal. Sass could have asked why Daniel felt that repair was not possible, but to her, that would have been an act of disrespect to them both. She would have been disrespecting herself, because a “why?” at this point would feel like a plead, and no one should have to beg someone else for basic human decency. It would have been disrespectful to Daniel because, as every woman understands, “no” is a complete sentence. If someone is not willing to offer repair, it’s best to allow them to have the last word, because that’s all they will have after you walk away. When People Can’t be Accountable Daniel saw “repair” as synonymous with going back to the past. He had never been introduced to the concept of repair because up until now, few had held him accountable for his actions. Daniel had been taught in his childhood that to admit to being wrong (as in, “made a mistake”) was equal to being wrong (as in “being a bad person”), and as someone who identified as being a “stand-up guy” he struggled to find the language to take ownership for his behavior without blaming outside sources for his choices. As a result, he did not know how to take accountability. At some point, Daniel said to a third party, “Why does Sass want to repair things if she hates me so much?” To which the third party said, Sass never mentioned the word “hate.” As an outsider, do you see what’s happening here? This is a common reaction when someone is called to take accountability for their behavior: One person speaks about how hurt they were by someone else’s behavior and all the other person hears is that they are hated. This is why we have wars in the world, because too few people truly know how to actively listen, hear, mirror and communicate
