The Retirement Package for Unpaid Labor No community was ever built on the premise of “Every man for himself,” yet we live in a capitalist society that claims your worth is defined only by what you can afford through monetary means. If you spent your life taking care of the needs of others as a volunteer for unpaid services, are you deserving of the goodness you cannot afford later in life when you need to rely on others to take care of you? Ask the average person, “Who in our society is deserving of travel, of occasionally eating out or having something nice?” and the typical answer might be, “Someone who works hard and earns the right to those privileges.” To this, we should ask ourselves, “Do all people who work hard get paid?” The answer, of course, is, “No.” In fact, it could be argued that those who work the hardest in society are usually the least paid. “If working harder and longer hours were the key to wealth, then every maid and mother would be a millionaire.” Every well-oiled system, from family to government, is greased by the hands of unpaid labor, such as grandmothers cooking in kitchens, aunties babysitting nieces and nephews, and mothers organizing fundraisers or baking goods for the neighborhood schools and churches. Yet, when the opportunity comes for those grandmothers, aunties, and mothers to retire and travel, and they have no money to do so, society responds with the callous uncaring and woefully ignorant reply of, “Too bad you didn’t earn more so you could have saved money like we did, in order to deserve an occasional goodness or retirement necessities,” all of the while saying such words without the humility to acknowledge that they never would have been able to accomplish what they had without the unpaid sacrifices of caregivers, family, and community who helped them make it possible for them to do so. What Does it Mean to “Earn” that which is Deserving? You can’t earn more from a job that doesn’t pay to begin with. People assume if you have no savings, it’s because you didn’t budget your spending well instead of understanding that you have no savings because you had little to no income despite working hard. It’s time for society to compensate caregivers for their unpaid labor in the name of love, because love alone can’t be used to pay the bills. “Norway, Sweden, and Iceland began building policy around this truth decades ago. … When you make the invisible visible, everything gets better.” To “earn” is to obtain some form of currency in exchange for labor. Not all earnings come from money. In fact, when you look at Webster’s definition of the word “earn,” most examples do not include the word “money.” It’s only the “AI Overview” definitions that have proliferated and populated every search engine, which include the word, “money” over and over again, removing our humanity one word meaning at a time. Those who can financially provide for themselves were often indoctrinated in childhood to believe that the best way to care for themselves is to provide for themselves; but “to provide” and “to care” are two different things, and both are needed. A government agency can “provide,” but it takes a human to “care.” If we are too focused on one, we negate the other. Caring takes a level of vulnerability not often found in the mechanics of providing. You Can’t Outsource Love No amount of money to a high paid nanny for your children, or capable nurse for your aging parents will ever compare to the care they receive from someone who loves them. When I was taking care of my energetic nieces and nephews, nurturing their individual sensitivities and needs, memorizing their food preferences, likes and dislikes, cheerleading their every endeavor from sports, to performing, to academics, delighting in their presence and making memories by taking them to the beach, movies, or out to eat, acting as a taxi and chaperon service for their extra curricular activities, being the family archivist who takes home movies and photographs at birthday parties and holiday celebrations, or providing comfort, and a safe place to land in my home in the aftermath of endured trauma, I would have taken a bullet to protect their lives. No hired help their parents could have paid for would do have done the same. When my grandmother required 24/7/365 care, that included constant medication monitoring, adult diapers, projectile vomiting, endless laundry, every-other-day specialist appointments, monthly hospitalizations, and the thick skin of a rhino to endure the cruel signs of dementia, her needs could never have been managed with the same level of care by hired help. No single nurse could have had her medical records, allergies, and history committed to memory like I did or provided the commitment to care that I was willing to give. No nurse could have stayed by her bedside through every painful, frightening, medical emergency she experienced, holding her hand, gently brushing her hair, or massaging her feet to bring her even an ounce of comfort or distraction from the fear and pain, before they would have been called to help a dozen other patients with demanding needs in that same time period. My devotion to her was the soft kindness that helped make all of her discomforts bearable. Those acts of love cannot be outsourced, and it feels awkward to accept payment for caring for someone you love. I never wanted my loved ones to think I was present for them because I expected to be paid, so I refused even the idea. I wasn’t thinking about how a lifetime of caregiving could leave me financially destitute by the time I began my descent into retirement. We have to change the narrative around unpaid labor as merely an act of love and consider the long-range impact. Family members deserve financial compensation for caregiving. Thank you cards or occasional gifts are nice in the moment, but they don’t earn interest in a savings account to provide for us in our old age. At the time, the kind of care I provided was valued beyond measure. There is no price tag for peace of mind when it comes to the protection of our children or vulnerable parents. If caregiving with the tenderness of love were a company position it would come with deposits into a retirement fund with compounded interest, financial bonuses of appreciation, and a hearty pension. Instead, it comes with gratitude in the moment and faded memories with time. Once the kids are grown and the aging, ailing parents pass away, there is no longer a demanding need requiring attention or appreciation for the caregiver. There is nothing in a bank to show for the years given or the sacrifices made. The loyalty given is no longer reciprocated because too often people only reach out when they are in need. When the need passes, they stop reaching out. Caregivers are Essential Workers in Society During the pandemic we discovered who the most important people to our survival were and we called them “essential workers.” They were broken down into five categories: medical, sanitation, food service, teachers, and caregivers (especially to children and elderly). Value is not the same as worth, especially when it comes to survival. We are all born with inherent worth, but our value is how that worth serves others and is seen by others. Another way of looking at it is to consider the worth of water: a survival necessity. In situations where water is plentiful, it’s free; therefore it has worth, but no price, no value. In situations where it’s scarce, and necessary, its worth doesn’t change but its value, its price, can skyrocket. When we think about who and what has the most value, we think about what we need to survive. Caregiving, like water, is essential to communal survival. It’s often done by family and friends, usually women and is mostly unpaid labor. The Currency of Care I did not earn a pension for taking care of my grandmother for seven and a half years; but I learned compassion, patience, advocacy, and what it feels like to show up for someone who showed up for me and the honor to pay it forward. I did not receive an income for raising a child with a complex medical condition, a 24/7 job that produced a loving, kind, wise, and (relatively healthy) wonderful member of humanity, but I had the great privilege to learn what it means to love someone unconditionally and express love through complete devotion. I did not receive a benefit package for providing Thanksgiving dinners to those who had no family; or writing three letters a week to my husband’s cousin through all the years he was in prison for drug use in order to keep his spirits high and suicidal ideation at bay; or for the volunteer work of holding unwanted babies in foster care facilities because the state only employed enough people to feed and change the infants, not provide comfort; or showing up to domestic abuse shelters to empower women to transcend victimhood; or spending Christmas feeding and singing carols with the homeless; or being present for the the priceless moments for the children in my life so that their parents could work outside the home creating wealth; or spend countless nights talking loved ones off the ledge of self-destruction, that turned into midnight hours in parking lots of rehab facilities, in ICUs holding hands with people I loved as they recovered from an overdose, or chemo, or a traffic accident; or making it safe to tell the truth so that someone can share their shame of past mistakes and know the healing power of forgiveness, unconditional love, and what it means to have someone stay even when we bare our human imperfections. I learned the value of loving big, showing up, being consistently present for those in need, and the life-saving difference simple presence can be. I Was a Caregiver While Working Full Time and Managing a Disability In addition to being a caregiver from as
