Secret Habit Shawn & Helena Bonneteau

One of the key traits of an addict is lying... And it's this trait that drives everyone crazy! In the context of marriage, so often husbands think they're doing something noble by hiding their addiction to porn while their partners can't fathom why they would be so deceitful. This causes such tension in their connection, intimacy and trust and leaves them both feeling disconnected and misunderstood.

The reality is, secrets lead to damaged intimacy. There's a quote we love that says "where secrets are present, intimacy is absent" and we live by it 100%. When a man decides to hide his addiction to porn, or the continued relapses to pornography, he is destroying trust and intimacy every second he keeps it a secret. And it's not only because of his wife but also because secrets are like drinking poison! 

This is why we want to talk in this episode about making right-standing (righteous) decisions rather than good/nice decisions (self-righteous). We're talking about the choice to honor God before you honor man, or the choice to honor emotions and feelings before God. This is HUGE, and plays an incredible role in your recovery, marriage and dignity as a human being.

The main points we will cover in the show are:

1. The difference between right standing and being good

2. What does lying really do to a relationship

3. What we all need and long for as humans

4. Doing a full disclosure ("D-Day") 

5. How to become a person of right standing 

This is an episode we believe will make a huge impact on all areas of life. Regardless if that's helping you with porn addiction, masturbation compulsion, porn-induced erectile dysfunction, betrayal trauma or other sexual struggles, we trust that God works in these places when we truly humble ourselves and surrender to His truth and not our own idea of morality.



Ready to quit porn, follow our 3-step plan:

1. Join our free men's community

2. Sign up for a free course in the community

3. Start 1 on 1 coaching



Please rate & review our show, it helps others hear our content and get the help they're searching for! It only takes 2 minutes :)

One of the biggest struggles I see with my clients no matter where they live or how old they are is creating healthy relationships. I have pinpointed 4 main barriers that stand in the way of someone taking the risks a healthy relationship requires and I want to help you break them down in this episode.

I believe healthy relationships breed the type of connection we long for. I also believe that when we feel connected, we feel safe, secure, loved, cared for and wanted. These are all VITAL to someone being free from sexual addiction and feeling redeemed. Relationships are truly one of the key elements to a successful recovery and life that you must take seriously.

This episode is taken from a live training Shawn Bonneteau did in the Secret Habit Mens Community. These are hosted once per month and for those in the community, you get access to a 20-minute Q and A afterward! Make sure to join the community today!

In this episode, you will learn about:

- The 4 barriers keeping you from healthy relationships

- The practical solutions required to break the barriers

- Biblical examples of healthy relationships

- Applicable and helpful next steps so you can get started today

The goal of this live training is to help you create purposeful relationships that bless your recovery and life. that's it! If you find this to be too simple and there are further traumas and struggles in the way, please reach out for coaching, I would love to chat and see how I can help



Ready to quit porn, follow our 3-step plan:

1. Join our free men's community

2. Sign up for a free courses in the community

3. Start 1 on 1 coaching



Please rate & review our show, it helps others hear our content and get the help they're searching for! It only takes 2 minutes :)

How do I make my wife feel safe again after my porn addiction? This is a question that has been asked by men over the years.  Women are not happy because they are not safe, and they will never feel safe until you make them feel like they can trust you again. The safety element is kind of a building block in building trust, and it’s a foundational element that must be in place before you can really start to rebuild the trust between you.

In this episode, Helena and Shawn Bonneteau are going to help you understand the do's and don't s of how to make your wife feel safe again.  Helena will give you some practical steps that you can take to rebuild trust with your wife and help her to feel safe again while on your journey to overcoming masturbation and porn addiction.

Many men think that they already know what their wives need from them and they think going to meetings, and calling their sponsors makes her feel safe. But it's not that simple. Sobriety isn't the end goal, as you will learn here.

Here you will quickly learn:


When you're in sobriety, you have to keep on doing the things that make your wife feel safe.
Not doing things isn't changing and sobriety from behavior change doesn't equal trust
Sobriety in itself isn't the solution, being more like Christ is... Changing from the inside is.
Recovery's not doing things, it's changing. Changing is an integral part of us
How to define what is safe and what is safe and what restores safety.
Being busy with recovery leads to tiredness, irritability, and grumpiness which translates to being unsafe for your wife
Wife watches who you are more than what you do

What is safe?


Wife seeing husband growing with God, seeking integrity
Having curiosity and asking for clarity and help. (What do you need right now? What would make you feel safe? What would make you feel this is rebuilding trust?)
Expressing a willingness and desire to change/heal
Taking ownership, apologizing, seeking to reconcile

What is unsafe?


Assuming you know what she wants, needs and likes
Breaking boundaries without respecting them
Abdicating leadership and role as man and leader; Being passive-aggressive, avoiding conflict and tension.  
Not fulfilling your God-given role of protector and provider.

This episode is ultimately all about finding out what your wife wants and likes which helps remove the assumptions that bring marriage struggles between couples. Learning each other's boundaries and how to respect each other boundaries is a big part of what helps build trust in a relationship. When you respect each other's boundaries, it shows that you care about them and their feelings. If you're wondering how to rebuild trust with your wife after masturbation and porn addiction (and make her feel safe and happy), then this episode will help get started on the right path.



Ready to quit porn? Follow our simple plan: 

1. Join our free men's community

2. Sign up for some free courses in the community

3. Start 1 on 1 coaching



Ready to heal from Betrayal Trauma?

Grab the "Beneath The Skin" video course for only $49 cdn



PLEASE Comment, like, and share the episode

Our natural fear response is incredibly helpful to us as humans. However, it can also be the very cause of our struggles with things like addiction, conflict, safety, and relationships. Naturally, our body goes into shock when we perceive or experience danger. This is our nervous system reacting and helping us survive. Unfortunately, this natural response can become a prison for us if we don't understand what's going on and how to come back to a place of safety and calm.

In this episode, Shawn and Helena are going to help you understand and overcome the response of your nervous system to fear so you can build stronger relationships and a better sex life. Get ready to hear about:

1. What happens inside of you when you perceive or experience danger 

2. The different types of fear responses - fight, flight, fawn, freeze, shut down, flop

3. How your brain works when you get stuck in fear

4. The problems of staying stuck in the red zone

5. The solution to staying in and getting back to the green zone (safe, calm, and grounded)



This episode is ultimately all about regulating your emotions, and that's a crucial part of healing for anyone who wants to quit porn, overcome sex addiction, heal from betrayal trauma, or simply be healthier in their marriage and relationships. We deeply care about marriages thriving and feel as if this teaching may be one of the most important ones to understand and apply!



Ready to quit porn? Follow our simple plan:

1. Join our free men's community

2. Sign up for some free courses in the community

3. Start 1 on 1 coaching

4. Get free from porn





*The basis of this episode is from things we have learned from people like Adan Young talking about Polyvagal theory, as well as our own counselors along the way.

So many of us do things we wish we did not do. It's one thing to not want to do them, it's another thing to know how to stop! For any of you that know the famous text in Romans 7:15, I'm sure you can relate to Paul's internal battle of doing what he hates, even though he knows what is good. From a psychological standpoint, this sort of inner war happens because of things like childhood trauma, no matter how big or small. When we experience something painful or come to believe something that goes against God's truth while in our formative years, it leads to that part of us getting stuck in "childish" thinking, aka. immaturity. It's as if the child within gets frozen in time and cannot mature, no matter how hard you try!

In this episode, you will hear from Shawn Bonneteau's teaching on inner child healing, as well as internal family systems and the concept of parts work. This recording was from his live training that was live in the Secret Habit Porn Recovery Mens Community. 

Get ready to learn about:

- Healing your inner child through being re parented

- Recognizing and healing the parts of you that carry shame

- Understanding your inner manager, firefighter and exiles

- What is happening inside the brain, mind and body when you get triggered

- Your 3 roles in healing your parts and inner child

- The 9 steps of inner child healing recovery



This approach has been incredibly helpful for porn addiction recovery and healing from other unwanted sexual behaviours. If you're struggling with watching porn, masturbation, sex addiction, or any other form of sexual shame, then I would encourage you to consider this opportunity to heal the deeper roots of your struggles. 

To watch this live training and not just listen, join the Secret Habit Porn Recovery Mens Community

+ Get access to live trainings like this every month! The next one is Feb 25th - RSVP inside the community for free



Ready to get coaching? Check these links out:

1 on 1 Coaching with Shawn (For porn addiction, unwanted sexual behaviours and porn-induced erectile dysfunction)

Group Coaching with Shawn (For men who want to outgrow unwanted sexual behaviours) 

Sexual shame is often at the heart of marriages that are sex-starved, disconnected and hurting. It's incredibly insidious... causing good-meaning people to lie, people please, isolate, and wear destructive masks. Sadly, the pain of past abuse, poor choices, and what are seen as shameful acts cause all of us to question ourselves and wonder if we can truly be loved for who we are and for what we have/had done to us. 

This is where we get to know shame very well. In the most vulnerable places that feel impossible to share with others... Shame says "you are bad" and seeks to attack our identities. And this is why this topic is SO important... God says "You are special" while shame says something very different.

In this episode, Shawn and Helena share from their personal story of how sexual shame kept them in the shackles of bondage for so long. It kept them in hiding, fear and constant lying... But there's good news, they are free today, and with that, want to bring a very real and hopeful message

Get ready to learn about:

1. The difference between shame and guilt

2. How pride and shame go hand and hand

3. What shame is and feels like

4. Shawns' story of PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction)

5. Helenas story of sexual abuse and body shame

6. Four Steps to healing from sexual shame and other identity issues

7. Shawn and Helenas most helpful lesson they learned along the way



Shawn talks about the sexual template in this episode and how it was crucial to his recovery from PIED. To grab a free copy of Shawns course, join the free men's recovery community today



Books referenced:

Unwanted by Jay Stringer (Chapter 11)

You are Special by Max Lucado (Punchinello)