https://secretspirits.com/2025/11/24/the-topic-of-trust/ The Topic of Trust November 24, 2025 Keeping to our topic of TRUST, today we will review the two prongs of trust. The trust you lost in your relationship with a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism. (Seems obvious, right?) And more importantly, the trust you lost within yourself. Application of Clinical Definitions In order to fully understand the topic of trust, let’s review two definitions to apply as our baseline. The definition of TRUE (the root word of TRUTH). Oxford Languages defines TRUE as: “In accordance with fact or reality.” Our second definition, the definition of the word TRUST. Oxford Languages defines TRUST as: “Firm belief in the reliability, TRUTH, ability or strength of someone or something.” Reviewing the definition of the word TRUST, where it hinges so poetically on the definition of the word TRUE, you can see the importance of deeply understanding the intended meaning of BOTH words. TRUE or TRUTH and TRUST. A symbiotic relationship. Where there is one, the other is undoubtedly present. Learning to Trust YOURSELF Again Was there a time where your own mind, your own heart held that symbiotic relationship between what you KNEW to be TRUE or fact, and the conclusions you naturally drew? Of course, there was a time when the TRUTH REINFORCED the TRUST you had in yourself. In order to rebuild what has been lost, lets first review HOW it was lost. The Impact of Lies and Manipulations In my experience, in a relationship with a good person who is suffering from addiction and alcoholism. It was never his intention to cause me distress or harm when he made the choice to engage in his disease. To viciously protect his disease at my expense. [That said, it was never his intention NOT to hurt me, but more on that topic in a future article]. Every lie, every manipulation, ever so slowly, over an extended period of time, broke my ability to trust myself. When I finally learned the truth. That he had been engaging in secret spirits, drinking in secret, taking more of his prescription of pharmaceuticals than directed by his psychiatrist. It took me SO LONG to process my reality. That I had been lied to repeatedly, even when I had directly asked him about his sobriety. That was so difficult for me to understand. It took me a long time to fully feel the impact and comprehend the TRUTH. The reality of my husband’s progression in his disease. I felt like I was walking through the thickest of fogs on a dark evening. I could catch a glimpse of one piece of the picture. Perhaps the outline of the figure, but not more. The only way I could find the TRUTH again, the fact or reality, was by dissecting my experience with the truth. What do I mean by that? By reviewing each time, I found secret spirits. Or each time I suspected he was employing some manipulation tactic in an attempt to protect his disease. Let’s Review: What type of spirit did I find? Was it alcohol? Was is a pharmaceutical? When I confronted him about it, what was his response? Did he blatantly LIE? For example; “I didn’t buy that. The shop gave that to me for free to try to get me to buy more.” “That’s OLD, that’s from “before [a previous, minor relapse]”.” Did he try to gaslight me? Did he make ME feel like I was in the WRONG? “Why are YOU invading my privacy and searching my things?” “You KNOW I don’t drink that brand/type of alcohol, that’s not mine.” *Please note, this list is NEVER to be used as a weapon against your partner. That would be in direct opposition of our CODE OF ETHICS and conduct. This is simply a tool for YOU to find your footing, we will call upon this list in the coming section. This exercise, reviewing each recalled encounter, methodically, gave way to the fog that had overtaken my vision. I was able to slowly gain sight of the TRUE picture of our life. A picture of severe distress in my partner, who had begun his spiral into his disease. A picture of a codependent wife, who had unwittingly ENABLED my partner’s disease. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. As someone who loves a GOOD PERSON suffering from an incurable, PROGRESSIVE disease, my initial response, actions, and choices were born of the BEST of INTENTIONS. That said, THIS community of peers knows better that there is a BETTER path, a BETTER choice to be made. Rebuilding Self Trust Let’s now, talk about rebuilding the TRUST you had in yourself. Let’s go back to your list of encounters when you suspected your partner was employing a manipulation tactic to protect their disease. As you review each encounter (it could be 1 encounter, it could be many), take a moment to: Close your eyes – recall the moment in time as if you were in that moment precisely. What are your observations? As the unwitting wives, one of our methods of survival that we have adopted (either consciously or otherwise) is a keen, detailed observation of our partners. Are you reviewing his eyes? His pupils? Are they “pinned”? Are his eye lids relaxed, perhaps a little droopy? Do his eyes look sharp or glazed over? His overall appearance? Does he look alert? Healthy? Does he look disheveled? Does he appear to be in a RUSH to get out of this conversation? What about his emotional state? Is he calm? Relaxed? Open to the conversation? Does he become agitated? Frustrated? Does he immediately launch into the lie or manipulation? Now that you’ve reviewed the encounter in your mind. WHAT ARE YOUR CONCLUSIONS?? Do you believe that he was *LIKELY* lying, manipulating? Protecting his disease? Or do you feel it really could go either way? Like he *COULD* have been sober at that time? The truth is, YOU WILL NEVER TRULY KNOW. Instead, you need to keenly listen to your instincts and find the courage to follow that conclusion. What if You’re Wrong? If by chance, your instincts prove to be wrong, and you accuse your partner of being intoxicated at a time when he was in fact sober. Take a moment to ask yourself, how it is you got here? Remind yourself of the TRUTH. The truth is, he broke your trust at some point, he lied, he employed any variety of manipulative techniques, which CAUSED YOU HARM. So if he cannot take responsibility FOR THAT, for steering the relationship to this port, then you have a larger topic to address. So give yourself grace. There are times you might be wrong – there are times when you will be right. Learning to build trust within yourself again will take time, effort and dare I say, continual management. Reinforcement – A Strategy to Build the Skill Let’s talk about the greatest tool in ANY tool kit. Reinforcement. When learning to trust yourself again, you need to provide YOURSELF reinforcement. I briefly mentioned this technique in our previous article: T.R.U.S.T. Every time you make ANY decision, you remind yourself, “This was a good decision FOR ME, TODAY in this MOMENT.” It really doesn’t matter what decision you are reinforcing – it could be as simple as deciding to wash your hair, or to skip it for another day. Or what socks to wear. The simplest of decisions, that impact only you. You remind yourself, THIS WAS A GOOD DECISION FOR ME. By doing this, you are rebuilding what’s been lost, your trust in yourself to make sound decisions that are productive and positive FOR YOU. Through this process of positive self-reinforcement, not only are you rebuilding your inner trust, but also your confidence and your sense of self. And here in lies the true benefit. To gain yourself back, to get back what was lost, what was taken by lies and manipulations, is priceless. This gift, the gift of your; Sense of Self Self Confidence Self Trust It is not freely returned. You have to systematically find your way back to yourself. One simple or complex decision at a time. In time, like anything else we discuss here, once you put in the work, it will become second nature. That said, baby steps, give yourself the grace to learn a new way, a better way. Make the choice for yourself today. XOXO, Anonymously Becks Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic. If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ admin@secretspirits.com. Do you need one on one support in this time of need? Book a consultation with me, Anonymously Becks, OR join our membership program where YOU can begin to build your own support system. Visit our website, subscribe to our channels, Secret Spirits, to get more from Secret Spirits today.
