Welcome. Today, I'd like to draw your attention to how our Code of Ethics, the Yamas and Niyamas can be applied to our discussions around codependent behaviors. Let's first apply definitions. As a reminder, we define codependent partners as: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.” (Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, 1986) How many of us are parents? How many of us are trying to navigate an impossible situation, desperately seeking to find a balance? Trying desperately to hold the family together, to hold your husband’s feet to the ground for fear that he’ll float away if you let go even for a second. Let’s discuss how we can employ the use of our Yoga Ethics to help guide our decisions and behaviors through this challenging time. In our practice of the Yamas, External “restraints” or moral disciplines for how to behave in community with others. The practice of finding balance is identified as brahmacharya, translated as the “right use of energy”. When we consider the “right use of energy”, we are speaking about conserving our vital energy and directing it healthily. This practice is directly connected to our Tapas, translated as Austerity/Discipline. The topic of tapas is found within the Niyamas or our Internal “observances” or personal disciplines that focus on self-care and inner development. Austerity is commonly defined as the quality of living with little or no luxuries. The practice of self-discipline and austerity, through all efforts (physical, mental, and verbal) to burn away impurities and build inner strength. How the 3 Interact Now to make the connection between Codependent Partners, the Right Use of Energy and Austerity/Discipline. I am someone who fell into very predictable codependent patterns, in a desperate effort to hold my family together, amidst my husband’s behavior becoming erratic and unstable over an extended period of time. I often encourage this community to find grace in our own pitfalls, that we were REACTING out of the BEST of intentions under the WORST of circumstances. That said, finding grace for our behaviors is NOT giving ourselves the permission to continue behaving in a codependent manner. The key to arresting the codependent cycle is DETACHING. When we consider the word detaching, we define it as: “stopping our own reactivity to our partner’s behaviors.” Considering that definition, of stopping our own reactivity - that sounds entirely similar as finding our “right use of energy”. It does not serve us to engage in codependent behaviors; it does not propel us forward in any way. Our energy is better directed in a variety of other avenues. For example: Focusing on regaining our own sense of self Engaging in rigorous self-study How did we get here? What is the next right decision? How will this environment affect my children and their chances at having a healthy future? What boundaries are needed to enforce a sphere of safety around my kids and me? Using our definition of abuse, can I identify an instance where any of the forms of abuse have taken place in this home? How can I apply wisdom gained from past life lessons to help navigate this scenario? Educating myself on: The subconscious family role that I have adopted, and how to escape those behaviors. Addicted household patterns. Cues that indicate a relapse. Self-care activities: Yoga Meditations Outdoor walks Simple time with my kids Cathartic cleaning of the house And now for the tricky bit. The application of austerity or self-discipline. This aspect poses a particular challenge when considering all the aspects of pop culture that influence our days. Austerity, the practice of applying self-discipline across our physical, mental, and verbal efforts. Burning away any impurities that arise within our own humanity. Here I’d like to remind you of the physical practice of yoga, the Asana. Consider the most challenging physical posture that you can comprehend. For me, that’s the handstand. My constant challenger. Consider all the work that’s required to even consider inverting into a free handstand. Consider the mental discipline, the physical discipline, and the inner voice that you employ to encourage or discourage yourself. You actively and willingly engage in the hard work, knowing your time under tension will be brief and rewarding. This is your example of austerity in practice. Now, how do you apply austerity in your relationship with a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism? Through the application and upholding of healthy boundaries. Recall, when we consider setting a boundary, we consider the following aspects; Physical boundaries Emotional Boundaries Communicative Boundaries Psychological Boundaries Consider the active enforcement of boundaries, combined with the efforts of DETACHING from your partner, a good person suffering from addiction, as your time under tension. As you navigate this journey, this independent awakening, as your hard work, your time under tension. It may not feel brief, but it WILL be rewarding. A Moment of Reflection Are you engaging in Codependent behaviors? Do you need to DETACH? Do you see how your energy needs to be focused in a more healthy and productive direction? Can you employ austerity or self-discipline? Can you enact and enforce boundaries that will complement your vital energy and austerity? Gentle Reminder This is a gentle reminder, there is a way out, there is a clear path forward. And I’m not inferring to either “stay” or “leave” your partner. Instead, I’m suggesting you focus on yourself. Rediscovering your sense of self. Controlling the controllable – your own reactivity. Enacting and enforcing healthy and appropriate boundaries. Throttling your own vital energy. Enforce your own self-discipline and austerity in all your dealings. Living by your code of ethics holistically. You can do this. I know you can. XOXO, Anonymously Becks Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic. If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ admin@secretspirits.com. Do you need one on one support in this time of need? Book a consultation with me, Anonymously Becks, OR join our membership program where YOU can begin to build your own support system. Visit our website, subscribe to our channels, Secret Spirits, to get more from Secret Spirits today.
