2d ago

We Both Left Our Husbands for Each Other — and Then Had to Build a Stepfamily

A same-sex couple on love, two divorces, and what actually makes a blended family work. They met at the school gates, both happily married to men. Two years later they'd left their husbands, come out, and were trying to build a blended family of six from scratch. This conversation is one of the most honest accounts of stepfamily life I've ever had. Katy and Amy fell in love during the school run. Both married to men. Both, as they describe it, very happily so. What followed was two divorces, a coming out, a year sleeping in a sister's converted garage, five years of an ex refusing to sign divorce papers, and the slow, difficult, joyful work of building a blended family of six. In this conversation, they talk about all of it. The shame around how their relationship started. The near-breaking points that came not from how they felt about each other, but from the sheer difficulty of merging two families with different children, different bedtimes, and two women who both knew exactly what was right for their own kids. They talk about the two living rooms solution that finally made it work — the idea that a blended family doesn't have to be one fully merged unit to be a real family. They talk about what they'd do differently. About the guilt of putting more into stepparenting than biological parenting. About the arguments that nearly ended things. And about how they got through them. What comes through most is this: they didn't make it work by finding it easy. They made it work by being willing to have the prickly conversations, over and over, until something shifted. If you're in the messy middle of blending a family and wondering whether it's ever going to feel settled — this one's for you. WHAT YOU'LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: Why moving in together too quickly is the most common mistake blended families make — and what to do insteadHow two women with strong maternal instincts navigated parenting each other's children without it destroying the relationshipThe two living rooms solution: how giving a blended family permission to be a three or a six changed everythingWhy arguing on behalf of your own child almost never ends well, and how they learned to step backWhat happens when your stepchildren hear negative things from the other parent — and why Katy and Amy didn't have that problemThe specific thing that made the children feel emotionally free to love their new family without guiltWhy having more patience for your stepchildren than your own is more common than anyone admitsTHIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU: If you're a stepmum who wonders whether it's ever going to feel less chaotic and more like a real familyIf you and your partner keep arguing about the children and it's starting to feel like the relationship can't hold itIf you feel guilty about how your relationship started and you've never heard anyone talk about it honestlyIf you're putting enormous effort into your stepchildren and quietly wondering whether you're neglecting your ownIf you're trying to figure out how much authority you should have over children who aren't yoursIf you're in a same-sex stepcouple and feel like almost no content speaks to your specific situationTIMESTAMPS: [00:00] How Katy and Amy met — and why neither of them saw it coming [12:00] Two divorces at the same time: what that actually looked like [24:00] Coming out to the children, and how the dads responded [36:00] The bedtime wars and the prickly conversations that nearly broke them [48:00] The two living rooms solution — and what they'd do differently If this conversation stayed with you, share it with someone who's in the thick of it right now. And if the Stepmum Space podcast helps, a review on Apple Podcasts makes a real difference to who finds it. You can explore everything at stepmumspace.com. Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

53 min

Jul 1

Dreading the Summer Holidays as a Stepmum? Here's What Actually Helps

On Disney dad, effort asymmetry, and why the conversation to have is before you go — not during. Summer in a stepfamily isn't like summer anywhere else. The routine disappears, the kids are around more, and somewhere in the middle of it all, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself. If you're already dreading it before it's even started, this episode is for you. Resources mentioned: You can find the Summer Sorted planning worksheet mentioned in the episode at stepmumspace.com in the resources section. And there's a couples downloadable to help you prepare for the holidays here too. The summer holidays hit differently when you're a stepmum. It's not just more time with the kids — it's the loss of the structure that was quietly holding everything together. The routine that made things predictable. The school week that gave you some ground to stand on. When that goes, the stress doesn't just increase. It doubles, and the days blur into each other. This episode is a direct response to a question from Rachel, who summed it up better than most: dreading the holidays, more time together, kids turning their noses up at food on holiday, and a partner who turns into full Disney dad the moment they arrive. Katie takes each of those things seriously — because none of them are small. The food refusal that isn't really about the food. The Disney dad dynamic that can quietly unravel an entire trip if it isn't named before you go. The effort asymmetry that leaves you carrying every detail while nobody else in the room seems to notice. There's practical advice here — specific, not vague — about the conversation worth having with your partner before the holidays start rather than in the moment when things are already going wrong. And an honest reframe about what more time together actually depends on, and why arriving into six weeks with no thought given to your own needs is going to grind you down. You don't have to love every minute of it. And you're not failing if you're a bit relieved when it ends. WHAT YOU'LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: Why losing routine hits stepmums harder than most people understand — and what it's actually taking awayThe real reason a child refusing food on holiday feels so personal, and why your reaction makes complete senseWhat Disney dad is actually about — guilt, compensation, and why good intentions don't make it easier for you to live withThe one conversation worth having with your partner before the holiday starts — and why it needs to be specific, not generalWhy anxiety thrives in vagueness and how naming what you're actually dreading gives you some control backWhat to put in place for yourself before six weeks of no routine begins — so it lands differently when it doesTHIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU: If you're a stepmum who starts dreading the summer holidays weeks before they beginIf your partner becomes a completely different person on holiday and you're left feeling like the only adult in the roomIf the kids turn their noses up at everything you've organised and you can feel yourself unravellingIf you carry all the planning and logistics and nobody around you seems to notice or acknowledge itIf you feel guilty for being relieved when the holidays endIf you want something practical to do right now, before the summer starts, rather than managing it in the momentTIMESTAMPS: [00:00] Why summer feels heavier in a stepfamily [02:30] The loss of routine — why it matters more than it sounds [04:30] The food refusal that isn't really about the food [06:30] Disney dad on holiday — what's actually going on [09:00] What actually helps — and why the conversation has to happen before you go If this resonated, share it with a stepmum who needs to hear it before the holidays hit. You can find the Summer Sorted planning worksheet mentioned in the episode at stepmumspace.com in the resources section. And there's a couples downloadable to help you prepare for the holidays here too. And if the podcast helps, a review on Apple Podcasts makes a real difference to who finds it. Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

7 min

Jun 24

"The Ex Was Being Deliberately Difficult" — Six Years In, Here's What I Know Now

Most stepmums have thought it. The texts, the flat nos, the requests that somehow only ever go one way. Ellie thought the ex was being deliberately difficult — and she wasn't wrong to think it. What changed wasn't the ex. It was how Ellie understood the dynamic, what she stopped taking responsibility for, and what she asked her husband to do instead. Three years on from her first episode, she's back — honest about what's better, what's the same, and what she wishes she'd known at the start. If you're still in the hard part, this one is worth your time. WHAT WE COVER Why "she's being deliberately difficult" might be accurate — and why it still keeps you stuckThe moment Ellie handed all communication to her husband and what happened to her anxiety when she didWhy stepdads get praised for giving a child a lift while stepmums are held to an entirely different standard — and why that's not an accident"I love my stepkids but I don't always love being a stepmum" — why those two things are completely separate and why you're allowed to say soWhat it actually took for her husband to understand why she needed support — and why "just crack on" is what partners say before they get itSix years in: what's genuinely better, what you learn to let go of, and why the long game is realRESOURCES MENTIONED Ellie's first episode — "My Mental Health Was at an All-Time Low": Had I Made a Mistake Being a Stepmum? → Get the free Influence Gap™ guide → Book a free clarity call → Follow on Instagram: Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

40 min

Jun 17

Is It Okay to Want Space in a Stepfamily? The Truth About Blended Family Expectations

What if you're not trying to become one big happy family... and that's actually okay? For the stepmum who feels guilty for wanting space, distance, or a different version of family life than everyone else seems to expect. There's a version of stepfamily life that many people assume you're aiming for: everyone close, everyone included, everyone feeling like one big happy family. But what if that's not what you want? In this listener question episode, Katie responds to a stepmum who feels uncomfortable with the expectation that she should be closer to her partner's ex and more involved in creating a fully blended family. Underneath her question sits something many stepmums quietly wrestle with: the fear that wanting space means you're doing stepfamily life wrong. This conversation explores where the pressure to create instant closeness often comes from, why many dads understandably long for a united family, and what happens when that vision becomes the only acceptable version of family life. Katie also looks at the hidden burden many stepmums carry: the expectation that they should be the ones creating warmth, harmony and connection for everyone else. If you've ever felt responsible for holding the entire stepfamily together, this episode offers a different perspective. Because healthy stepfamily dynamics don't always look like matching Christmas pyjamas and perfect family photos. Sometimes they look like respectful distance, separate relationships, realistic expectations and enough space for everyone to be themselves. If you've ever worried that wanting less togetherness makes you selfish, cold or resistant to blending, this episode may help you understand that there are many healthy ways for a family to exist. WHAT YOU'LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: - Why wanting space in a stepfamily doesn't automatically mean you're not committed to the relationship - The surprising reason many dads push for a "one big happy family" vision - How forced closeness can sometimes create more tension than connection - Why stepmums often carry responsibility for family harmony in ways stepdads rarely do - The hidden pressure created by the "perfect blended family" versus "wicked stepmother" stereotypes - What healthy separate spaces can look like inside a successful blended family - How to tell the difference between what's yours to carry and what never belonged to you in the first place THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU: - If you're a stepmum who feels guilty for wanting time away from your partner's children - If you're a stepmum who doesn't want a close relationship with the ex but worries that makes you difficult - If you're a stepmum who feels responsible for keeping everyone happy and connected - If you're a stepmum who feels left out in a stepfamily but also doesn't want forced togetherness - If you're a stepmum who keeps wondering whether you're doing blended family life "wrong" - If you're a stepmum who feels exhausted by carrying the emotional labour of family harmony Try the free Influence Gap tool mentioned in this episode here . It helps you sort out what's actually yours to carry from what never was. If you know another stepmum who feels guilty for wanting space, send this episode her way, and follow Stepmum Space so you don't miss next week's question. Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

9 min

Jun 10

"Me Being Me Wasn't Enough" - Stepmum Expectations, Infertility & the Picture in Your Head

this episode includes an open conversation about infertility and pregnancy loss. Get the free Influence Gap tool here - For stepmums who can't stop thinking about everything! Book your free 15 min clarity call with Katie here If you came into stepfamily life carrying years of hope, and found that reality felt nothing like the picture in your head, this episode is for you. Lucy spent years trying to conceive on her own before meeting her now husband, and she didn't realise how much that history had shaped her expectations of what this family would look like. This is an honest conversation about stepmum resentment, the spiral of overthinking, and what it actually takes to stop trying to change what you can't. This episode is especially for stepmums who are independent, high-achieving, and completely blindsided by the fact that working harder isn't fixing it. WHAT WE COVER Why the grief of infertility and pregnancy loss shapes your expectations of stepfamily life in ways you don't see coming — and what to do when reality doesn't match the pictureThe specific moment the honeymoon period ends and the real work begins — and why it hits independent, capable women particularly hardWhy resentment towards your partner is more common than resentment towards the stepchildren — and how to have that conversation without it turning into a critique of his parentingThe fact, feeling, need framework — a simple tool for having difficult conversations without sounding accusatoryWhy "just disengage" doesn't work for women who genuinely care — and what actually helps insteadWhat being comfortable with being uncomfortable really means in practice — and why acceptance is not the same as giving up Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

44 min

May 27

The Grief Nobody Talks About in Stepfamily Life

When your partner’s children live hours away, stepfamily life can start to feel like constant emotional whiplash. This episode is for the stepmum trying to hold love, anxiety, resentment and hope all at the same time. When Grace met her now husband, one of the things she loved most was the way he spoke about his ex-wife. Respectfully. Calmly. Like two people who had simply grown apart but still cared deeply about co-parenting their children well. But once the relationship became serious, everything changed. In this conversation, Grace shares what it has really been like navigating stepfamily life after her husband’s children were moved three hours away. She talks honestly about the grief of watching children grow up through motorway services and FaceTimes, the emotional toll of hostile co-parenting dynamics, and the anxiety that can quietly build around every pickup, drop-off and handover. We also talk about something many stepmums feel but rarely say out loud: loving your stepchildren while also carrying tension, vigilance and emotional exhaustion alongside that love. Grace speaks candidly about the pressure to get everything right, the overthinking before the children arrive, the emotional “crash” when they leave, and the guilt that can come with difficult feelings in blended family life. There’s also an important conversation here about loyalty binds, nervous system responses, and the reality that even in healthy relationships, stepfamily dynamics can leave women feeling emotionally on edge for years. If you’ve ever found yourself trying harder and harder to make stepfamily life work while quietly losing parts of yourself in the process, this episode will probably feel very familiar. WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: • Why “healthy co-parenting” can change dramatically once a new partner enters the picture • The emotional reality of long-distance parenting and stepfamily life across two homes • How chronic tension and hostile communication can keep a stepmum’s nervous system permanently on alert • Why many stepmums feel pressure to create the “perfect” environment every visit • The hidden grief of loving stepchildren you only see intermittently • How resentment, anxiety and love can all coexist at the same time in the stepmother role • The difference between genuinely difficult children and a nervous system that has learned to brace itself THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU • If you’re a stepmum who feels anxious before pickups, drop-offs or changeovers • If you’re struggling with feeling emotionally consumed by co-parenting conflict that isn’t directly yours • If you’re a stepmum trying to love children while also carrying resentment, exhaustion or hypervigilance • If you feel like your relationship changes when your partner’s children are around • If you’re navigating blended family challenges where distance, court orders or conflict shape everyday life • If you’re exhausted from overthinking every interaction and trying to keep the peace If this episode felt painfully familiar, you’re not the only one. Please follow or subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations, and feel free to share this episode with another stepmum who might feel seen by it. If you’re looking for more structured support, The Stepmum Reset is a small-group workshop designed to help stepmums feel calmer, clearer and more like themselves again inside stepfamily life. You can find more support at Stepmum Space. Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

51 min

May 22

"I'm Fine" - Why Stepmums Say It and What's Really Going On Underneath

A lot of stepmums get very good at saying “I’m fine” when they’re anything but. Not because they’re dishonest — but because stepfamily life can stop feeling emotionally safe enough for the truth. There’s something many stepmums quietly start doing without even realising it: saying “I’m fine” when they’re overwhelmed, resentful, lonely, anxious, or emotionally exhausted underneath. In this episode, Katie explores why so many women in stepfamily life begin disconnecting from their own feelings — and why pretending everything is okay can slowly become a survival strategy inside blended family dynamics. This conversation looks at the emotional pressure many stepmums carry silently: accommodating everyone else, keeping the peace, avoiding difficult conversations, and learning which feelings feel “acceptable” to express and which ones don’t. Because for a lot of women, saying “I’m not okay” can feel risky when the people around them don’t fully understand the emotional reality of the stepmother role. If you’ve ever found yourself saying “I’m fine” while quietly falling apart underneath, this episode will probably feel painfully familiar — but also deeply relieving. Katie also talks about The Stepmum Reset — a small-group online space for stepmums who are tired of coping alone and want somewhere they no longer have to pretend they’re “fine.” Find details for The Stepmum Reset here: The Stepmum Reset The episode also explores the hidden cost of constantly minimising your own experience, the slow loss of connection to yourself that can happen in stepfamily life, and why so many stepmums end up running on autopilot rather than actually feeling present in their own lives. Because often the problem isn’t that you’re “too sensitive” or “bad at coping.” It’s that you’ve adapted to a situation that hasn’t always felt emotionally safe enough for honesty. WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: • Why “I’m fine” often becomes emotional self-protection in stepfamily dynamics • The hidden emotional labour many stepmums carry without anyone fully noticing • Why stepmum resentment and emotional numbness often build slowly over time • How constantly keeping the peace can disconnect you from yourself • The difference between coping and actually feeling emotionally okay • Why so many women hesitate to be honest about feeling left out in a stepfamily • The question that often marks the beginning of real change: “What would happen if I stopped pretending I was fine?” THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU: • If you’re a stepmum who says “I’m fine” automatically, even when you know you’re struggling • If you’re exhausted by co-parenting stress, emotional pressure, or constantly accommodating everyone else • If you feel disconnected from yourself during the times the children are with you • If you’ve started wondering whether you’ve lost part of yourself inside the stepmother role • If you avoid telling your partner how bad things actually feel because it never seems to land well • If you feel guilty for resenting parts of stepfamily life while also trying very hard to make it work If this episode resonated, follow Stepmum Space wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss future episodes. And if there’s a stepmum in your life who might feel seen by this conversation, feel free to share it with her. You can also explore further support and resources at Stepmum Space Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

10 min

May 13

“I Gave Up My Old Life for This Family” – A Stepmum’s Reality

Sarah became a full-time stepmum to three children whose mum had left the family home. She didn't tiptoe in, she threw herself in. But that doesn't mean it's been simple. What happens when you go from complete independence to full-time stepmum… almost overnight? Book your free 15 minute call with Katie here Book your spot on the Stepmum Reset In this conversation, Sarah shares what it’s actually like to step into a family where the children’s mum has stepped away, and how quickly love, responsibility, and pressure can collide in stepfamily life. She didn’t come in gradually. She didn’t have weekends off. She went from her own flat, her own life, and full autonomy… to raising three children full-time, managing the emotional fallout of an absent parent, and trying to stay steady in a system that isn’t always predictable. And now, she’s about to have her first baby. This episode gets into the parts that don’t get talked about enough: the quiet resentment around money, the pressure to be the stable one, the guilt when plans change and you feel disappointed, and the constant balancing act between stepping up and stepping back. There’s also something important here about the stepmother role. About being deeply involved in a family, while knowing there are parts that aren’t yours to control. About learning, sometimes the hard way, where your influence ends. If you’ve ever felt the weight of holding everything together in a blended family, or wondered how to stay grounded without over-functioning, you’ll recognise a lot of this. WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE: • What it’s like becoming a full-time stepmum without a gradual transition • The emotional impact of raising children when their other parent is inconsistent or absent • Why “being the stable one” can quietly become too much to carry • The tension between wanting to step in… and knowing when to step back • How resentment shows up around money, effort, and appreciation in stepfamily dynamics • The reality of adding a new baby into an already complex blended family WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR: • If you’re a stepmum who feels like everything changed overnight • If you’re carrying more than you expected in your stepmother role • If you’re trying to stay calm and steady while things around you feel unpredictable • If you’ve felt resentment about money, effort, or lack of recognition • If you’re pregnant or thinking about having a baby in a stepfamily If this felt familiar, you’re not the only one carrying it. Follow Stepmum Space so you don’t have to work this out on your own, and share this with someone who might feel seen by it too. Support the show Links mentioned in this episode: Book your place on the Stepmum Reset — stepmumspace.com/stepmumreset Find out more about Back In Control — stepmumspace.com/backincontrol Book a free clarity call — stepmumspace.com/clarity Get the free Influence Gap guide — stepmumspace.com/influencegap

42 min

Stepmum Space

We Both Left Our Husbands for Each Other — and Then Had to Build a Stepfamily

Dreading the Summer Holidays as a Stepmum? Here's What Actually Helps

"The Ex Was Being Deliberately Difficult" — Six Years In, Here's What I Know Now

Is It Okay to Want Space in a Stepfamily? The Truth About Blended Family Expectations

"Me Being Me Wasn't Enough" - Stepmum Expectations, Infertility & the Picture in Your Head

The Grief Nobody Talks About in Stepfamily Life

"I'm Fine" - Why Stepmums Say It and What's Really Going On Underneath

“I Gave Up My Old Life for This Family” – A Stepmum’s Reality

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Stepmum Space

Episodes

We Both Left Our Husbands for Each Other — and Then Had to Build a Stepfamily

Dreading the Summer Holidays as a Stepmum? Here's What Actually Helps

"The Ex Was Being Deliberately Difficult" — Six Years In, Here's What I Know Now

Is It Okay to Want Space in a Stepfamily? The Truth About Blended Family Expectations

"Me Being Me Wasn't Enough" - Stepmum Expectations, Infertility & the Picture in Your Head

The Grief Nobody Talks About in Stepfamily Life

"I'm Fine" - Why Stepmums Say It and What's Really Going On Underneath

“I Gave Up My Old Life for This Family” – A Stepmum’s Reality

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