Cohesive Horsemanship Balance Point

Tessa Nicolet
  • 5.0 (3)
  • SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Balancing life, horses, French Classical Dressage, Natural Horsemanship, Working Equitation, a few dogs, and such.

Episodes

  1. APR 15

    Don't be Selfish: Stop Helping, Start Asking

    Episode Description What if the most trust-building thing you can do - with another person, with your community, with your horse - isn't demonstrating your competence? What if it's showing your need? In this episode, Tessa takes on one of the most counterintuitive ideas in leadership, horsemanship, and human connection: that we don't build trust by offering help. We build trust by asking for it. Drawing on research from Simon Sinek, Brené Brown, and Adam Grant, and bringing it all the way into the barn, this episode will change how you think about misbehavior, community, and what it actually means to lead - whether you're leading a team, a clinic, or a horse. Key Takeaways We don't build trust by offering help — we build trust by asking for it. This single idea, from Simon Sinek's 2024 conversation with Trevor Noah at Brilliant Minds, is the thread that runs through the entire episode. When you refuse to ask for help, you are not being considerate. You are denying someone the honor of showing up for you. That, Sinek says, is selfish. Brené Brown's research on leadership and trust reveals something that surprises almost everyone. When leaders are asked what builds trust for them in their relationships with the people they lead, the answer isn't reliability or competence. It's being asked for help. Adam Grant cites the research backing this up — including a 1969 study by Jecker and Landy confirming what Benjamin Franklin observed 300 years earlier. We like people we help more than people who help us. The ask is a gift to the one being asked. The Rat Park experiment, which Tessa heard from Simon Sinek in that same Brilliant Minds conversation, reframes addiction as an isolation problem rather than a substance problem. When rats lived in an enriched social environment, they tried the drug-laced water but chose not to keep using it. Community changed what they needed. This experiment becomes the bridge into the barn — and into one of the most important reframes in this episode. The barn sour and buddy sour horse, through this lens, may not be a training problem at all. It may be an enrichment problem. A horse who is desperately herd-bound may be a horse who has never been given another genuine source of safety and connection — a horse who is under-resourced everywhere else. The training question shifts from "how do I make leaving less painful" to "how do I become a portable source of safety?" A misbehaving horse is a horse asking for help. The horse that bucks, spooks, refuses, shuts down, or won't load is communicating something. When we receive that communication as an offense rather than an ask, our trust erodes — and that erosion telegraphs immediately. The horse feels it. Their trust drops in response. The circuit goes negative. But when we receive the misbehavior as an ask and respond with curiosity rather than correction, we teach the horse that asking is safe. And a horse who has learned that asking is safe is a completely different partner. The ask lives in four dimensions in the equine world. Between horse and human — inviting the horse to participate in solving the puzzle rather than controlling the answer. Within our community — borrowing knowledge, ideas, tack, experience, and giving others the gift of being useful. Professional to professional — the clinician or instructor who asks a peer for help models that expertise and curiosity are not opposites. And instructor to student — asking what they're feeling, whether this is landing, what they've learned elsewhere. That last one is the most vulnerable and the most important. Vulnerability minus boundaries is inappropriate disclosure. Brené Brown's reminder that not every ask is appropriate for every relationship, every person, or every moment is the nuance that keeps this episode honest. The ask has to be proportional to the relationship and the readiness of the receiver. Authenticity without empathy, as Adam Grant says, is selfishness. And authenticity, Brené adds, should always be in service of connection — not relief, not performance, not being seen. Connection. Sources and References Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah — Brilliant Minds Conference, June 2024. "Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah on Friendship, Loneliness, Vulnerability, and More." Full conversation available on YouTube. Brené Brown and Adam Grant — The Curiosity Shop Podcast, inaugural episode, March 2025. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube. Jecker, J. and Landy, D. (1969). "Liking a Person as a Function of Doing Him a Favour." Human Relations, 22(4), 371-378. Referenced by Adam Grant on The Curiosity Shop. The Rat Park experiment — referenced by Simon Sinek in the Brilliant Minds conversation with Trevor Noah, June 2024. Connect with Tessa www.cohesivehorsemanship.com

    32 min

  2. APR 2

    True Softness: Balancing Clarity, Lightness, and Kindness

    There is a statement I believe all the way to my bones: there can be no softness without clarity. On the surface that might feel backwards. Clarity sounds firm, decisive, maybe even a little rigid. And softness sounds like the opposite -- yielding, easy, a horse who moves off your lightest thought. So how can one depend on the other? In this episode I unpack why clarity and softness are inseparable, what we get wrong when we confuse anxiety for lightness, and what it actually takes to build the kind of soft, willing, trusting partnership that every equine person is really after. In this episode: Clarity, softness, and lightness are three different things -- and understanding how they are different changes everything about how you train and how you lead. Real lightness is not a horse responding to everything in a frantic effort to get it right. Real lightness is a horse who trusts the conversation enough to respond precisely, without bracing or scrambling. And that kind of lightness only comes from softness -- which only comes from clarity. The overachiever horse: piaffe, leg yield, half pass, canter in place, and two steps backward -- all before you finished your breath. And all you wanted was a trot departure. This image shows up in horses and in workplaces, and the anxiety underneath it looks the same in both places. Simon Sinek's Start With Why, Brené Brown's "clear is kind, unclear is unkind" from Dare to Lead, and Emily Nagoski's insight from Burnout that "joy arises from an internal clarity about our purpose" -- three thinkers from very different worlds all arriving at the same truth that equine people have known for centuries. Four practical places to look when building clarity in your own work: starting with your why, preparing the ask before you make it, doing it the same way every time, and asking yourself first when things go wrong. And something that might be the most important piece of all: it is completely normal to be unclear while you are learning. Clarity is not perfection. It is orientation. And your horse deserves the same permission to be in the messy middle that you do. References and voices in this episode: Simon Sinek, Start With Why Brené Brown, Dare to Lead Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity Next episode: We are headed toward relaxation -- the deep, alive, trusting kind that lives on the other side of clarity and softness. Not the absence of energy, but the presence of trust. About Cohesive Horsemanship: www.cohesivehorsemanship.com

    26 min

  3. MAR 22

    Balancing the Exciting Breakthrough with the Boring Truth

    Episode 6 -- Balancing the Exciting Breakthrough with the Boring Truth We tend to celebrate the dramatic rescue. The heroic push through impossible odds. The leader who manages the crisis brilliantly. The horse that transforms in a weekend. The breakthrough everyone can see. But what if we have been celebrating the wrong thing entirely? In this episode, Tessa explores the paradox at the heart of good horsemanship and good living. Drawing on historian Martin Gutmann's TED talk "Are We Celebrating the Wrong Leaders?", the classical principle of preparation before action, and the quiet wisdom of a friend's father who once said "simplify your life" to a group of wild teenage girls, this episode makes the case for the boring truth over the exciting breakthrough. The work that produces real, lasting change is quiet, incremental, and unglamorous. It looks boring. And from the inside, it is the most extraordinary thing in the world. In this episode: The story of two polar explorers -- Roald Amundsen and Ernest Shackleton -- and what their wildly different legacies reveal about how we confuse a good story with genuine excellence. Historian Martin Gutmann calls it the action fallacy, and it shows up in the arena every single day. The classical horsemanship principle of preparation before action, rooted in the tradition of French master Baucher, and what it actually looks and feels like in real time with a deeply braced horse. Simple is not the opposite of exciting -- simple is the opposite of foggy. Three words spoken to a wild teenage girl that have taken a lifetime of quiet moments to understand. Martha Beck's essential self and social self from Finding Your Own North Star, and why the social self loves Shackleton while the essential self would always have hired Amundsen. Why resistance in horses and in ourselves is never defiance -- it is information. And the answer is always to go back and find what was skipped, not to push through at any price. The critical distinction between productive and unproductive struggle, building on Episode 3. Struggle is only productive when the pieces are already in place. When they are not, struggle becomes confusion. Reading the difference between those two things is the art of good horsemanship. And good living. The real proof of good training -- what remains when conditions change. What the horse carries when you step away. What survives the time off and the changed circumstances. References and resources mentioned: Martin Gutmann, TEDxBerlin 2024 -- "Are We Celebrating the Wrong Leaders?" Why do we celebrate incompetent leaders? | https://youtu.be/DU06c7f9fzc?si=3uuhjpVIBdRM0bh- Martin Gutmann, The Unseen Leader: How History Can Help Us Rethink Leadership Nuno Oliveira, Reflections on Equestrian Art Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity François Baucher -- preparation before action About Cohesive Horsemanship: Tessa offers clinics, workshops, private lessons, online courses and the Monthly Journey Membership. Her teaching is rooted in French Classical dressage marinated with natural horsemanship and life. Learn more at cohesivehorsemanship.com

    29 min

  4. MAR 8

    Herd Wisdom: Balancing Compassion, Community, and Growth

    Episode Summary In Episode 5 of The Balance Point, Tessa explores how community shapes our growth, motivation, and sense of self as horsewomen and horsemen. She unpacks the misunderstood science behind "survival of the fittest," shares her personal experience with the comparison trap both on social media and at the show pen, and casts a vision for the kind of community that simultaneously challenges and holds us, mirroring the very principles we seek to build with our horses. Key Themes The comparison trap and how it begins with curiosity before turning into shame. How the scoreboard can steal our joy from a genuinely meaningful ride. The difference between consuming and connecting. Community that asks much, is content with little, and rewards often. Releasing communities that no longer serve your growth, and trusting that your people will find you. The herd as a model for human community. What humanity could be capable of through collective compassion. References and Inspirations Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man and Selection in Relation to Sex (1871). Peter Kropotkin, Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution (1902). Nuno Oliveira, Reflections on Equestrian Art: Ask for much, be content with little, and reward often (Etienne Beudant - Main sans Jambes... Dressage du cheval de selle).

    28 min

  5. FEB 15

    Beyond Methods: Building Confidence, Trust, and Respect

    Beyond Methods: Building Confidence, Trust, and Respect Episode Description In a world flooded with contradictory training methods and overwhelming information, how do you know what actually works? In this episode, Tessa cuts through the noise to reveal the three foundational pillars that matter in any partnership with horses (and in life): Confidence, Trust, and Respect. Drawing on Brené Brown's groundbreaking work on vulnerability, trust, and courage, Tessa offers a powerful framework for evaluating any training technique or method. Learn how to filter information through these three non-negotiable pillars and your own personal principles, so you can stay grounded in what truly matters. This episode includes a vulnerable personal story about a recent experience with her stallion McCrae that illustrates how quickly trust can erode—and how to rebuild it. Key Takeaways The Three Pillars Framework: Confidence - Grounded confidence built through curiosity + willingness to rumble with vulnerability + practice. Operating from "enoughness" with strong back, soft front. Trust - Built through Brené Brown's BRAVING framework: Boundaries Reliability Accountability Vault (protecting vulnerability) Integrity Non-judgment Generosity Respect - Rooted in inherent worthiness. Boundaries ARE respect. Clear is kind. Dignity over retaliation. The Three-Filter System for Evaluating Training Methods: Filter 1: Does it build Confidence, Trust, and Respect? (Non-negotiable) Filter 2: Does it align with your personal principles and values? Filter 3: Do you have the foundational communication to apply it fairly? The Grammar Analogy: Most training methods use the same basic "words"—the difference is in HOW they're applied. Like "Let's eat, Grandma" vs. "Let's eat Grandma"—same words, completely different meaning. Your principles are your grammar rules. The Marble Jar: Trust is built through small, consistent moments—each positive interaction is a marble in the jar. But marbles can spill out quickly through one moment of anger, unfairness, or betrayal. Tessa's Seven Core Principles Be an Empathetic Leader Become a Master of Body Language Be Playful Be Curious Be Clear Be Focused Be a Student of Lightness Connections to Previous Episodes This episode provides the framework that ties together concepts from: Episode 1: Beyond the Win - Operating from enoughness rather than external validation Episode 2: Balancing Ambition with Patience and Reward - Building trust through reliability and non-judgment Episode 3: Balancing Productive Struggle and Learning - Creating space for curiosity and vulnerability that builds confidence Resources Mentioned Brené Brown's Work: "Rising Strong" (book) "Dare to Lead" (book) Learn more about the BRAVING framework and grounded confidence at brenebrown.com Cohesive Horsemanship Resources: The Six Basics (free) - Your foundational communication alphabet Foundations Course - Building balance, willingness, and relaxation Learn more at cohesivehorsemanship.com Quotes from This Episode "Most methods are using the same 'words.' The real difference is in HOW they're applying it, and WHY." "You're always making deposits or withdrawals. There's no neutral." "Confidence doesn't come before action—it comes FROM action." "Trust takes time to build and moments to break." "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." "Even when you know the framework, even when you have the principles, you're still human. But the framework gives you a way back." "The technique doesn't matter as much as we think it does. What matters is the relationship you're building." Connect with Cohesive Horsemanship Website: cohesivehorsemanship.com

    36 min
  6. Balancing Productive Struggle and Learning

    FEB 1

    Balancing Productive Struggle and Learning

    SHOW NOTES: Balancing Productive Struggle and Learning We can do hard things - but how do we know the difference between productive struggle that builds confidence and destructive overwhelm that damages trust? In this episode, I explore the sacred space between comfort and catastrophe, where real learning happens for both horses and humans. Drawing from classical horsemanship wisdom, Buddhist philosophy, and my experience as both an equestrian trainer and Forest Service instructor, I break down how to support growth without overfacing. Key topics covered: Why comfort zones are temporary shelters, not permanent homes The difference between productive struggle and harmful overwhelm How mistakes are essential to building confident learners The Target exercise: a practical tool for teaching problem-solving Why "don't be afraid to mess it all up" might be the best training advice The foundations you need before you experiment: principles, communication basics, and knowing your horse How to handle rough training sessions and still end on a good note Featured wisdom: Glennon Doyle: "We can do hard things" The Four Agreements: "Always do your best" (knowing your best changes daily) Buddhist concepts of suffering as teacher Whether you're working with horses, leading teams, or navigating your own learning journey, this episode offers a framework for embracing challenge thoughtfully - with support, clear principles, and permission to be imperfect learners. Mentioned in this episode: Foundations Course (includes the Target exercise) Monthly Journey membership My promise to horses (available on website)

    30 min

  7. JAN 15

    Balancing Ambition with Patience and Reward

    Balancing Ambition with Patience and Reward Episode Summary In this episode, we explore one of the most challenging tensions in horsemanship: the balance between our ambition for progress and the wisdom to honor our horse's timeline. Drawing from Nuno Oliveira's reflection on Beudant's timeless advice, "Ask for much, be content with little, and reward often," we unpack what it truly means to build willing partnerships rather than resistant compliance. This conversation extends far beyond the arena, offering insights into leadership, personal growth, and all our relationships. Main Points Covered The Ambition Trap How our achievement-oriented culture influences our horsemanship The difference between having standards and having rigid expectations Why our vision of what's possible can become an obstacle The courage required to honor the horse's pace when we can clearly see the destination Ask for Much, Be Content with Little Understanding the paradox at the heart of artful horsemanship What "asking for much" really means (vision vs. aggression) How being content with little requires sophisticated feel and observation The gap between what we ask for and what we accept is where learning happens Why this approach builds confidence rather than anxiety Reward Often: The Secret Why Oliveira emphasizes reward as THE secret to fresh, willing horses What reward really means beyond treats (the power of release) How reward evolves from complete breaks to refined conversation (descente de main) Creating a rhythm of ask and release that keeps horses mentally fresh A real recording of constant micro-rewards during a training session Applying this principle to ourselves and our human relationships The Art of Knowing When Reading the horse's actual state vs. the state we hope they're in When to push and when to release How our predetermined plans can conflict with what's actually possible Flexibility within structure: holding goals lightly while staying responsive Recognizing meaningful progress that doesn't match our original vision The difference between willing partners and resistant ones Beyond the Arena How this wisdom transforms our leadership and team management Applying "ask for much, be content with little, reward often" to personal development The challenge of rewarding our own tries instead of only seeing how far we have to go Building relationships characterized by willingness rather than resistance How honoring the process creates beings (human and equine) who thrive Key Quotes "Ask for much, be content with little, and reward often. In this last, lies the secret to leaving the horse still fresh, with a good impression for the next lesson." - Nuno Oliveira, Reflections on Equestrian Art "The moment of release IS the teaching moment." "We're not just training for today. We're building a long relationship composed of thousands of impressions." "The horse who is celebrated for a tiny try will offer a bigger try next time. Not because we demanded it, but because success breeds willingness." "The question isn't 'Did I accomplish my plan?' The question is 'Did I leave the horse still fresh, with a good impression for the next lesson?'" "This isn't just about training horses. It's about how we approach development itself." Key Takeaways These timeless wisdoms transcend any single training method or era - they've been passed down through generations of horsemen because they reflect fundamental truths about learning and partnership True horsemanship requires holding the tension between ambitious vision and patient execution - we must be educated enough to see where we're going while humble enough to celebrate small steps The frequency of reward matters more than the perfection of performance - "reward often" creates psychological conditions for confident, willing learning Release evolves from complete breaks for new concepts to sophisticated micro-releases within continuous work as understanding develops Reading the horse's actual state (not our hoped-for state) determines whether we should challenge or support in any given moment The impressions we leave compound over time - every interaction is a deposit that determines future willingness This approach to development applies universally: to our horses, our teams, our relationships, and most importantly, to ourselves Mentions & Resources Nuno Oliveira - Reflections on Equestrian Art, page 31 Etienne Beudant - French master horseman Descente de main (release of the aid) Intentional Path workshop series

    38 min

  8. JAN 2

    "Beyond the Win: Why Your Goals Are Draining You (And What to Do About It)"

    "Beyond the Win: Why Your Goals Are Draining You (And What to Do About It)" Happy New Year! Don't just set goals this year - Build a vision with this 6 step framework -  Find your joy - Find your principles - Find your fears - Define your goals - Build your vision and roadmap - Build resilient rituals Free workshop available Here:

    20 min
  • 8 Episodes

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
3 Ratings

About

Balancing life, horses, French Classical Dressage, Natural Horsemanship, Working Equitation, a few dogs, and such.

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