The DATEABILITY Smart Lovers Podcast

Jessica Santosa Carlton
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Hi I'm Jess! Christian Dating Coach and founder of DATEABILITY. Whether you are single or preparing to marry the love of your life, my hope is that this podcast helps you get rid of anxiety about the dating process as we discuss the mindset and skillset of Romantic Intelligence.

Episodes

  1. 01/17/2025

    Ep 10. A Too-Fast Courtship Horror Story

    You’ve been following the Lord for over a decade. You’re mature in your faith, and when you meet someone new, you’re excited. Maybe even thinking, Why wait? I’ve already been waiting 10+ years! But here’s the thing—jumping in too fast can lead to heartbreak or missed red flags. In this episode, I’m sharing excerpts from my e-book, The Vulnerability Modulation Handbook. This is your guide to navigating the early stages of courtship with wisdom and grace, ensuring you’re protecting your heart and honouring God along the way. I’ll be reading three chapters that will completely transform how you think about vulnerability, pacing, and emotional safety in relationships. If you’ve ever felt like you’re "all in" way too quickly, this is the episode for you. Mentioned in This Episode: Grab your copy of The Vulnerability Modulation Handbook for just $13: Get it here. Follow me on Instagram: @_dateability. Interested in MATCHMAKING? Fill out my forms: For Women: Matchmaking Form for Women. For Men: Matchmaking Form for Men.

    27 min

  2. 12/12/2024

    Ep 9. Why Aren't Men Approaching Women IRL? (feat. Single Man Panel)

    MATCHMAKING INTEREST FORMS: MEN click here. WOMEN click here. Available to Australians only, but if you are from outside Aus you are still welcome to fill out the form. It may just take a while to find you a match :) Follow me (Jess) on IG: @_dateability Send me a DM with "READY" to ask about coaching ------------------------------------------- What are men thinking as they look for their dream woman in the modern dating market?    According to Pew Research Data of 2023, 63% of men aged 30 and under have dropped out of the dating market with 51% reportedly still single.    As for the boys aged 30-49 in the US, 27% are still single.    What about the Aussies?  According to Australian 2021 Census data, the stats guy Simon Keutsenmacher says    "If you are a man looking for a single female the chances improve the older you get... and At age 100+ there are three times as many single women than men.  He says, "Dear single men, just staying alive will make you an increasingly attractive partner.  And If, on top of being alive, you manage to gain a university degree and/or earn a decent income your success on the dating market is all but guaranteed after the age of 35."    These sound like good odds.    Well here to either confirm or deny Pew Research data or Census data ANECDOTALLY, are 3 men who I've hand picked from the DATEABILITY community and have volunteered for my schemes to varying degrees.     They are all strong conservative Christian men, single, marriage-minded and absolutely wonderful conversation.

    1h 39m

  3. 09/05/2024

    Ep 8. How HEALED do we have to be before meeting our Forever Person? (feat. Licensed Counsellor Sarah Sibi Thomas)

    If you are in your late 20s to early 30s, and wanting a come-to-Jesus moment about your dating journey, this episode is for you.  My guest for this podcast episode is Sarah Sibi Thomas, a Christian Counsellor from QLD, Australia who met her husband at age 31.    She is the founder of Pure Heart Therapies counselling and family therapy practice and has 2 beautiful little toddlers.    We discuss the following in length:  Qualities of a Healthy, Healed Man  The Importance of Vulnerability, Emotional Maturity and Kindness  The Significance of Doing the Inner Work  The Power of a Strong Community  Healing and Self Discovery  Being Open to Different Paths  Finding a Partner with Shared Faith  The Journey of Healing    She is super spiro in the best way! I challenge and wrestle with her about the marriage of both the practical and the spiritual when it comes to finding a husband.    I found this to be an incredibly enriching and soulfoodie conversation.    Pure Heart Therapies was founded on the verse Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God”.   Sarah is passionate to help each individual, couple and family find holistic healing and freedom in body, soul and spirit so they can encounter the Fathers true character...  His transformative, healing and consuming love.    SARAH'S GOODS:    A 1 hour appointment is $95 or 1.5 hours is $140 and people can register their interest via the website www.purehearttherapies.com.au or follow me on instagram @pure_heart_therapies.

    1h 24m

  4. 07/31/2024

    Ep 7. Is Our Childhood Attachment Style a Life Sentence? (feat. Clinical Psychotherapist Jennifer Nurick)

    Is the attachment style we inherit from childhood a life sentence?  Can we go from an Anxious or Avoidant attachment style to earning the holy grail of close connection in human relationships as an adult – earned (and learned) SECURE attachment?    Here to explore the answer to this massive question is Clinical Psychotherapist and Attachment Expert - Jennifer Nurick.   She is the founder of the Psychotherapy Central Instagram page, a community of 180K like-minded seekers, a Director of the International Energetic Healing Association (IEHA),   She is a Mother to two beautiful children, a wife, daughter, sister and friend. She has a Master’s Degree in Applied Psychotherapy and Counselling. She is also the author of Healing Your Anxious Attachment which was only released in February this year. This episode was in front of 15 girls from the DATEABILITY Community who asked Jen specific questions about their own attachment journey, like: How can I be less afraid of rejection?  While you're single and practicing becoming more secure, what are ways that you can practice being secure with friends or family so that in a relationship it becomes easier?  How do I manage myself when temporarily parting ways from my secure partner is causing distress? What is one daily thing I can do to move from avoidant to secure?  Specific to the pre-commitment DATING journey though, Jen dives deep into: How your single girl/guy season is the BEST time to work on healing your inner child, and the different parts of yourself. Why co-regulation is the easiest way to achieving self-regulation (which is harder to do alone). How Attachment is on a spectrum, and anxious and avoidant parts are very common. How every couple in the early dating stages experiences the "Attachment Dance". The importance of paying attention to what is happening in your nervous system when a new love interest ghosts you out of the blue. Why it's not realistic to expect yourself to be "fully healed" before getting into a relationship, and what to do instead! Given this is such a rich discussion, I would love to know what has come up for you. Email me at jessica@dateability.io.

    58 min

  5. 07/11/2024

    Ep 6. Are we lying about our Core Values? (feat. Kevin Paulraj)

    When it comes to first dates... are we unintentionally being dishonest about what our CORE VALUES are?      Most people say they value the usual things – honesty, integrity, family.... but my guest today would argue that a person's TRUE values are exposed in the seemingly mundane content of their lives.       Now, how do we quantify said mundane content?      Here to show us and tell us is KEVIN PAULRAJ, Mindset Coach.      Marked by profound challenges—an abusive childhood, being kicked out of home, battling addiction, and enduring crippling anxiety.      Through these trials, Kevin found resilience and a deeper purpose.       He now sees his journey as a platform to inspire others, firmly believing in his mission to share his story and wisdom.       His goal is clear: to guide others towards lives of growth, love, and abundance, emphasizing the transformative power of personal discovery and resilience      We discuss at length...   The intersection of faith and personal development – neither of us fit into mainstream Christianity...   Why values are neither good nor bad – they just ARE.   Using values as a framework for compatibility in the dating game.   Creating the perfect conditions for meeting your Person using obliquity.   Confidence, authenticity and resilience in your single season and so much more!     DATEABILITY (Jessica Santosa Carlton)'s goods:  follow me on IG @_dateability  DM "Masterclass" for the FREE sample of the Romantic Intelligence 101 course  Drop me a hi at ⁠⁠jessica@dateability.io⁠⁠     Kevin Paulraj's goods:   www.kevinpaulraj.com    ⁠Reviews⁠ (What people are saying)    ⁠Success Stories⁠ (Client success stories)     ⁠Instagram⁠ (Follow me on instagram)   ⁠Facebook Group⁠ (Join our free community)

    1h 19m

  6. 06/27/2024

    Ep 5. How does a woman TRULY embody her Feminine Energy? (feat. Nathalie Biviano of Spine Tingling Marriage)

    Nathalie Biviano is the founder of Spine Tingling Marriage. She is a trauma-informed life coach, specialising in navigating marriage after babies. She’s also a Mama Rising Facilitator, a Certified NLP Practitioner, Matrescence activist, and a published author.   She holds a bachelor’s degree in communication.   She helps married mothers feel held, seen and supported by their husbands by releasing resentment.  I invited her on the podcast to have a delicious conversation about: the long, practical game of feminine energy and why this is so CRUCIAL in both the single girl and marriage seasons for women. Polarity Policing (you'll discover what this is!) what's at stake when we allow feminist culture to infiltrate our thinking, and how deeply entrenched the "masculinitis" was in herself as a married woman AFTER babies!!! and how she fixed this in herself and others! You will hear throughout our talk about Nathalie's cautionary tale. She is not a Christian, but God had spoken through her to me so many times I couldn't NOT invite her on the podcast. Nathalie's goods: @spinetinglingmarriage on IG ⁠www.themarriagewhisperer.com⁠ Connect with me on FB Nathalie Biviano Send me a DM with the message "5 Day Free Challenge" for more details --------------------------- DATEABILITY (Jessica Santosa Carlton)'s goods: follow me on IG @_dateability DM "Masterclass" for the FREE sample of the Romantic Intelligence 101 course Drop me a hi at jessica@dateability.io

    56 min

  7. 04/18/2024

    Ep 4. Why Sex Is Better If You Wait Until Marriage

    If you've had sex in the past but are re-evaluating this decision, this episode is for you. Or if you're wondering.... How do I manage my high sex drive while I'm single and wanting to save myself for marriage? How do I set boundaries with a new boyfriend and communicate respectfully that I want to wait? I go into loads of detail about this in my group coaching program ROMANTIC INTELLIGENCE 101 (see below for how to get in!) Now, we live in a culture that assumes virginity is: - Something to be lost by a certain age OR - Embarrassing, like a shameful secret OR - Impossible to still hold onto by age 30! Alas let me SELL you a new philosophy about sex - choosing to develop self-control is radical self-love, and that is God's gift to you through His Son Jesus Christ. Yes - I believe the trajectory of your life will turn out better if you decide to wait until MARRIAGE to have sex with ONE person and practice with them!! But I also believe that personal conviction is EVERYTHING. So if you listen to this podcast and are STILL not sold, no harm no foul. I argue in this "audio essay" that sex is much better if you wait until marriage because: Your body, soul and spirit will bond to the safest person for your long term future as a woman and You limit the risk of getting the wrong woman pregnant as a man. You will give your future children stability, an intact family life, a higher likelihood of secure attachment and assumed self-worth (instead of having to claw their way out of identity confusion from not knowing who their biological Father is). Sex within marriage is a representation of Christ's love, promise and supernatural BLESSINGS for you. Through making this hard-fought choice, you are more likely to enter [what I like to call] the Sexual Promised Land!!! Sources: Dawn Maslar "The Love Biologist" TED Talk - https://youtu.be/eyq2Wo4eUDg Ian Rowe, Institute of Family Studies, "Marriage is still the best way to bond a Father to his children" -   https://ifstudies.org/blog/marriage-is-still-the-best-way-to-bond-a-father-to-his-children  Tom Holland, Interview ‘Christianity gave women a dignity that no previous sexual dispensation had offered’ - https://scroll.in/article/953904/christianity-gave-women-a-dignity-that-no-previous-sexual-dispensation-had-offered-tom-holland John Piper "Why Save Sex For Marriage" - https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/why-save-sex-for-marriage ONLY 3 SPOTS LEFT for RQ101 June Intake!! Learn more: https://www.dateability.io/rq101programguide RQ101 Expression of Interest Form here: https://forms.office.com/r/ed7xYJuiHF

    36 min

  8. 03/28/2024

    Ep 3. Why Aren't Women Nice To Men? (feat. Coach Joshua Badu)

    Why do some women treat men like the enemy? Why has it become ubiquitous and almost fashionable for millennial and Gen Z women to say,   "I didn't even want to get married," a quote I have personally heard from various women, especially those who have already secured committed men in their lives...   Additionally, saying: "I want to be a wife and mother to at least 3 children" publicly as a single girl, is seen as a less-than, almost embarrassing personal goal, a betrayal to the feminist sisterhood and all the equality they apparently fought for.    I cannot wait to discuss this and related topics today with the male coach for DATEABILITY – Coach Joshua Badu!  Not only is he a personal long-time friend of mine (we first met serving on the same team at Hillsong Conference back in 2015!)  By job title, he is a Purpose and Spiritual coach, practicing for nearly decade.   Since late 2022 he has provided the male perspective for the entire female community at DATEABILITY.    In this episode Josh and I discuss:    Why women have been taught to be mistrusting and disrespectful towards men as a culture.   What is "misandry", how it is destroying your dating life, and what you can do about it!  The bad news and good news about women and men's opposite Sexual Marketplace Value directions. How building the mindset and skillset of Romantic Intelligence can lead you to your future husband on autopilot (and I also share that it's how I (Jess) met my husband!).  Feminine power and how it's being devalued in society at an alarming rate.  If you are an aspiring wife and mother, encouragement and advice to continue pursuing your goal of dating a godly masculine man for marriage.  Resource List: The War on Men - Suzanne Venker The Toxic War on Masculinity - Nancy R. Pearcey Our next group coaching Romantic Intelligence 101 intake starts around June 2024. Check out the course guide here: https://www.dateability.io/rq101programguide  Expression of Interest form here: https://forms.office.com/r/ed7xYJuiHF    Follow us on IG: https://www.instagram.com/_dateability/  www.dateability.io    Subscribe to the Smart Lovers Podcast!      Much love,     The DATEABILITY Team x

    1h 30m

  9. 03/15/2024

    Ep 2. The Cost Of Big Ambition on Your Personal Life

    Unpopular Opinion: If you're a marriage minded single woman listening to this podcast, do NOT go for that promotion at work. At least, not just yet. "Whom you marry, and how that marriage fares, will have the single greatest effect on your happiness and well-being than anything else you do. It will be the axis upon which all other decisions are made." - Suzanne Venker. If you need the money, put a deadline on your career ambitions - but ask yourself if you still want to be single and stressed out from your all-consuming, demanding career 5 years from now.... when your fertility window will be much smaller. If you want marriage, be as ambitious in love as you are about your career. If you want to find YOUR person this year, do something about it. The next intake for my group coaching program Romantic Intelligence 101 is in June 2024! Check out the Expression of Interest Form here: https://forms.office.com/r/ed7xYJuiHF This is a mindset and a skillset that will serve you for the rest of your life, that will impact your sons and daughters. With all my heart, I pray you receive this message to prioritise your happiness and put your career ambitions where they belong - after your relationships.

    18 min
  10. Ep 1. Why Christian Dating Culture is Broken

    02/29/2024

    Ep 1. Why Christian Dating Culture is Broken

    Perhaps you are here because you believe that great love exists. Not just for other people, but for you.   Why else would you be listening to this podcast? In the sacred space between you and your audio device; this here, is many years of real-life, on the ground tested research about how to date successfully, and to really enjoy it - as a real-deal Christian single who wants to hold on to your integrity, grow in character and stay committed to Jesus Christ.     I believe the Lord wants His sons and daughters back, and thriving in His house. Reflecting His nature of godly femininity and godly masculinity.  As a younger single girl, I constantly doubted myself, felt starved for affirmation, wanted all the attention from boys, and to be noticed.   Perhaps you might have asked the same embarrassing questions in the privacy of your own head: Am I good enough? Will I ever be?  Why hasn't it happened for me yet when I've tried absolutely everything?  Am I meant to be single? Is God telling me I'm meant to be single?    What am I doing wrong? I need someone to tell me where I am going wrong! In any case, I was tired of the anxiety that I felt robbed me of half my 20s. The wound motivated me to spend many years trying to get to the bottom of a broken Christian Dating Culture... www.dateability.io www.instagram.com/_dateability https://dateability.passion.io

    16 min
  • 10 Episodes

About

Hi I'm Jess! Christian Dating Coach and founder of DATEABILITY. Whether you are single or preparing to marry the love of your life, my hope is that this podcast helps you get rid of anxiety about the dating process as we discuss the mindset and skillset of Romantic Intelligence.

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