In a world where adulting seems to dominate every hour of the day—deadlines, responsibilities, bills—it’s easy to forget that play isn’t just for kids. But when it comes to relationships, a playful spirit might just be the secret ingredient to lasting love. Playfulness in romance isn’t about acting childish or dodging serious conversations. It’s about injecting joy, curiosity, and spontaneity into the everyday. It’s about sharing inside jokes that make no sense to anyone else, laughing at each other’s ridiculous impressions, and building a connection that can weather the storms of life by dancing in the rain, metaphorically or literally. What Exactly Is Playfulness in a Relationship? Playfulness is the art of keeping things light. It’s not a rejection of maturity but rather a bold commitment to finding joy together. It might look like tickle fights in the kitchen, goofy texts in the middle of the workday, or creating absurd nicknames that only you and your partner could ever understand. Research shows that couples who share these light-hearted moments report higher satisfaction, stronger emotional bonds, and even greater resilience in times of stress. In other words, a well-timed joke or a burst of shared silliness can be just as powerful as a heartfelt conversation. I find in my current relationship, and in relationships in the past, the more we are laughing, the better our relationship is doing. The less laughing, things got worse or they were already bad and we just stopped trying (that’s past relationships - we are trying to play all the time in my current relationship). The Science Says: Play Is Serious Business Playfulness might sound like fluff, but psychologists have found that it does some heavy lifting behind the scenes in relationships. According to several studies, playfulness strengthens emotional bonds by creating positive associations. When partners laugh and joke together, their brains release dopamine—the feel-good chemical that enhances connection and trust. It also helps defuse tension during conflict, offering a “reset” button when conversations get heated or misunderstandings pop up. Play also opens up space for creativity in communication. When partners feel safe enough to be silly or spontaneous, they’re more likely to approach problems with an open mind and a collaborative spirit. This is critical when you’ve got kids as they present a challenge into themselves. How to Invite More Play Into Your Relationship So how does one actually be more playful in a relationship? It doesn’t require a clown suit or a full-time comedy routine. It just takes intention and a willingness to break out of autopilot. Here are a few simple ways to get started: 1. Embrace the Art of the Inside Joke Every couple has their own language—those shared references, silly phrases, or code words that trigger a smile or an eye roll. Cultivate those. They create a sense of intimacy that feels like a shared secret. 2. Create Micro-Moments of Fun You don’t need to book a weekend getaway to bring in some levity. Make funny faces across the dinner table. Add a ridiculous twist to your daily routines. Challenge each other to a sock-sliding contest down the hallway. It’s the little things that add up. 3. Don’t Take the Mundane So Seriously Not everything has to be optimized, scheduled, or turned into a life lesson. Dance while doing the dishes. Narrate your errands in the voice of a sports commentator. Be willing to let go of being “normal” in favor of being fully present and absurdly joyful. 4. Reconnect With Childhood Joys Board games, old cartoons, blanket forts—there’s magic in revisiting the things you loved as a kid. Shared nostalgia not only sparks playfulness but can also lead to surprisingly meaningful conversations about who you were and who you’ve become. 5. Keep the Flirt Alive Flirting isn’t just for the early days. It’s a playful way to say, “I still choose you.” That wink across the room, the spontaneous compliment, the playful teasing—it’s all part of keeping the spark burning bright. The Role of "Ludus Love" Psychologists have identified a type of love known as "Ludus," which centers around play, teasing, and lighthearted flirtation. While it’s often associated with more casual relationships, elements of Ludus can be essential even in long-term partnerships. By incorporating humor, spontaneity, and a touch of the unexpected, couples can avoid the trap of predictability and keep things feeling fresh. Playfulness, when paired with trust and emotional safety, can create a dynamic where joy becomes part of the foundation—not just a fleeting mood, but a shared value. What Playfulness Isn’t It’s important to clarify what playful love doesn’t mean. It’s not sarcasm at your partner’s expense. It’s not ignoring hard conversations or using jokes to avoid accountability. True playfulness comes from a place of connection, not criticism. It’s about lifting each other up, not tearing each other down under the guise of “just kidding.” Why It Matters More Than Ever In an age of chronic stress and over-scheduled calendars, couples often slip into routine. Days blur into weeks, and romance becomes another task to manage. But play cuts through that fog. It reminds us that love doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. That joy isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. When couples laugh together, they stay connected. They remember why they chose each other in the first place. They build memories that are filled not just with milestones, but with moments—spontaneous, weird, wonderful moments that don’t need to be captured for social media to matter. The Takeaway Playfulness is more than a nice-to-have. It’s a relational superpower. Whether it’s through a goofy dance, a made-up game, or a shared laugh at the end of a long day, injecting a little fun into your relationship can deepen your bond, improve communication, and keep the romance alive. So lighten up. Let go of the need to always be productive or polished. Make room for play. Because sometimes, the key to lasting love isn’t grand gestures—it’s being willing to be a little ridiculous, together. References Aun, Wong, (2002); Antecedents and Consequences of Adult Play in Romantic Relationships; Personal Relationships 9(3), 279-286. https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00019 Baxter, (1992); Forms and Functions of Intimate Play in Personal Relationships; Human Communication Research, 18(3), 336–363. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1992.tb00556.x Brauer, Proyer, Chick, (2021); Adult playfulness: An update on an understudied individual differences variable and its role in romantic life; Social and Personality Compass; 15(4). https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12589 This research paper is summarized in the article How Playfulness Improves Relationships; Psychology Today, August 15, 2024 Gold, Timmons, et al (2024); A day in the life: Couples’ everyday communication and subsequent relationship outcomes; Journal of Family Psychology, 38(3), 453–465 https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001180 This research paper is summarized in the article How Playfulness Keeps a Romance Alive; Psychology Today, April 18, 2024. Metz, McCarty, (2007); The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction; Sexual and Relationship Therapy 22(3), 351–362 https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492 Proyer, Ruch, (2011); The virtuousness of adult playfulness: the relation of playfulness with strengths of character; Psychology of Well-Being 1(4). https://doi.org/10.1186/2211-1522-1-4 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit happyaf.substack.com/subscribe
