135 episodes

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

Umpire Pants Umpire Pants

    • Comedy

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

    Episode 126: PG Chodehouse

    Episode 126: PG Chodehouse

    Please read the warning at the end before finishing this episode. Throat noises and George Carlin. Mary is high again. Richard Pryor and old comedy. Airplane food and snacks. Wearing shoes indoors. Wearing sweatpants instead of jeans, to be fancy. The pains of wearing glasses and why Google sucks now. American health insurance. Tooth repairs and getting faint. Seattle Times segment – Rant and Rave and Comments Section. Bill's embarrassing yoga story (it's NOT farts, guys). W.C. Fields movies. The XFL is coming to Seattle. Hat talk. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Seam Rippers. Kelley's Hint List! Cleaning stained wood floors. Fixing scratches in wood. Clean your attachments (vacuum). How to open a new book. Growing a sweet potato vine (listener challenge time!).

    END OF EP WARNING – I put in a short selection of things I cut out of the show. It's not pleasant. TURN IT OFF AT UMPIRE PANTS OUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR MOUTH NOISES! -Kelley

    • 1 hr 5 min
    Episode 125: Picture it Moving

    Episode 125: Picture it Moving

    Bill’s back! Fruitcake update: Kelley was right. Cheap bulk candy. Old Redmond. Porn theaters and mags. Snow in the PNW. Mary hates goats and likes dogs in shoes. Bad Plastic Packaging Segment: Putting your bag of carrots in a bag and legal weed packaging. Mary’s going to start asking people “what the f**k is wrong with you?” Hack jokes. Bad TV. We’re Turtle Penis now. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Bobby Flay whips his egg whites for waffles. Low-rise jeans sucked balls. Beat You to the Punchline – wow, that didn’t go well! Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning glazed wall tiles. Install a heat regulator. Brush and vacuum your coats. Painting you gold and silver slippers. Avoid too much heat with aluminum cooking utensils. Tire pressure hints. Umpire Pants Out!

    • 1 hr 1 min
    Episode 124: These are Not Normal Size, Give Me Some Peas

    Episode 124: These are Not Normal Size, Give Me Some Peas

    This track didn't change, I just fixed the title! It's a Kelley & Mary show! And the show notes did not make it with onto my thumb drive for uploading the show. We talked about couches, balls, the royal family, and some other stuff, then ended the show with Kelley's Hint List. Umpire Pants Out!

    • 49 min
    Episode 123: We Don’t Use the Word Weiner

    Episode 123: We Don’t Use the Word Weiner

    It’s our Taking of the Pelham 123 episode. Was Walter Matthau ever hot? (Today’s show pic.) Everyone listen to Hoyt Axton. Kelley’s couch problem. Mary has a coughing fit and her children aren’t very sympathetic. Ikea shopping. Hotdogs vs. wieners. Grizzly Adams was a real guy, you guys. Dave Barry, again. Pictionary challenge. LED lights and starting seeds. Beat You to the Punchline. Kelley’s Hint List! Rotate your floor coverings. Bill tried vacuuming his rugs diagonally, and it went ok! George Foreman and the GoFo. Use car wax on your furniture. Adjusting your choke. Umpire Pants Out!

    • 1 hr 8 min
    Episode 122: Are You Trying to Say Billfold?

    Episode 122: Are You Trying to Say Billfold?

    Bill ruins the illusion about our recording time. Napping habits. Bad plastic packaging of the week. Recycling. Mary’s Costco story. The softer side of Sears campaign. Mary’s trying to pretend she’s not high. Mary lays down some ranching rules and guidelines. We read a good Seattle Times comment. Kelley passes on a very gross story. Horror movies. Bill loves CHiPs, Kelley loves Banacek, and Mary thinks she loves Miami Vice. Chaperoning the Ski Bus. Kelley’s Hint List! Make your own cleaner for painted furniture. Up your sachet game. Using empty lipstick tubes, and refrigerating nail polish. Umpire Pants Out!

    • 1 hr 4 min
    Episode 121: Fish Dicks

    Episode 121: Fish Dicks

    It’s a rainy one here in Seattle, folks! Mary had a bad attitude about a free hotel stay. Bad plastic packaging. We name our future banana tarantula. We have an email from the other side of the waffle/egg white aisle, and now we have to have a waffle-off. Mary breaks down her non-love of pitbull. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Winter Solstice – Days are getting longer. Classic country. Bill’s got a great Nextdoor message to read. Shock talk. Beat You to the Punchline! Using English muffins as a hamburger bun. Eating too much weed. Kelley’s Hint List! Mary starts with a terrible Reader’s Digest hint. Using asbestos for energy efficiency. Motor operated draft regulator on your coke furnace. Fixing torn raincoats. Umpire Pants Out!

    • 1 hr 5 min

Customer Reviews

AJCJones ,

I don’t just love it-I’m IN LOVE with it

The hosts are really funny. Also, my husband argues with his mom a lot so it really hits home for me.

Stephcicconi ,

Laughed all the way to work in bad traffic

This podcast needs to go viral or mainstream- super funny!

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