Uncommon Discourse

Uncommon Discourse by Chris Gaffney

5,0 (2)
HUMOUR

Award-winning humor column combining creative nonfiction, memoir and humor.

29/09/2019

Season 01 Teaser: Words I'm Scared to Say

Nobody likes to feel stupid so it is infuriating when our language trips us up. I’m not talking about auto-correct or remembering which too to use, I’m talking about blatantly butchering a word and being too stupid to know. This happens to me all the time.

8 min
25/09/2019

Toiletry Loyalty

If I could make one wish for a happy couple on their wedding day, it would be that they’ve found someone who will be as loyal to them as I am to my brands of toiletries.

8 min
25/09/2019

Every Time I Order Coffee at a Restaurant, I Fear the Waitstaff Hates Me

Every time I order coffee at a restaurant, I fear the waitstaff hates me. Several friends who’ve worked as servers have confirmed that this is likely true. Not sophisticated enough for the bartender, but more complicated than either soda or water, coffee is by far, the highest maintenance drink.

8 min
25/09/2019

Perennials and Broken Fences

I spent a considerable amount of time last year empathizing with a bird who kept flying into my basement window. It wasn’t clear if he was trying to fight with his own reflection, or mate with it, but either way I could relate.

8 min
22/09/2019

Is it Rude to Bring Noise-Canceling Headphones to My Child’s Birth?

I’ve been full of various thoughts and anxieties leading up to my wife Jenny’s c-section scheduled for Tuesday morning. The vast majority of them revolve around the health and well-being of my wife and daughter, which brings me some relief because that proves I’m not a narcissist.

9 min
22/09/2019

My Imperfect American Flag

I am not particularly sensitive when it comes to flags; nobody trained as a lawyer should be. We know that to hate it is to love it, like a teen girl throwing shade at her mom for singing joyfully in the car.

10 min
22/09/2019

I Can't Stop Comparing My Newborn Baby to a Cat

I’m not even six weeks into raising my own child and I already can’t stop comparing my newborn daughter to a cat.

8 min
21/09/2019

I Never Know When to Run the Dishwasher

Nothing frustrates me quite like having to hand wash dishes next to a running dishwasher. If the items are fragile or hand-wash only, that’s on me; I knew what I was getting into when I bought them. But if the items are dishwasher-friendly and I’m only hand-washing them because I didn’t plan well enough – I’m both humbled and embarrassed.

8 min
21/09/2019

Phony Phone Voices

I adopt many different voices in my day-to-day life. The way I speak to old buddies is different from how I speak to colleagues, just like I speak differently to my nephews than I do to my grandmother-in-law. None of these speaking styles are inherently phony, they each reflect different aspects of my personality.

8 min
21/09/2019

Why Craft Beer Snobs Are the Worst

I was promised a future at bars with fun guys like George Wendt and Chris Farley eating wings and busting balls. Today’s beer drinkers are obnoxiously pretentious. It’s as if all the characters on Cheers turned into Frasier.

9 min
21/09/2019

Daddy Karaoke

Music has taken a significant role in my life since become the father to a newborn baby. Participating in school musicals is the most on-point preparation I’ve had for parenting. That prepared me for the clunky emotional transitions that have me spontaneously bursting into song whenever it seems like the baby might cry.

9 min

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Award-winning humor column combining creative nonfiction, memoir and humor.

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Uncommon Discourse by Chris Gaffney
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Uncommon Discourse